[smith1012]

Okay I'm trying to figure out how to stay positve about life and. Stuff. Is it a good method to stop caring about not having friends in school and all over. Like I always stay home and never really went out with friends in my life. I just stay queit all the time at school unless somebody talks to me. I can't initiaive my own conversations because my grew in the habit of being quiet. Should I care about this and wait till something happens. No matter how I think I always am quiet at school. If I think in bed that I'll talk to 3 new people at school tomrrow it never happens. So what should I do? I'm 18 years right now so am I too young and should I wait till I grow out of this problem about quietness and shyness

[startover22]

Do you have anything that you like to do, like art, biking, running, anything like that? You could be doing something you love and get involed with a group that does the same things. I wonder if volunteering would be right for you, at least you would have to talk to the people you are helping, it might be a good step to take. Hey and remember if you have something to say don't be afraid to say it, usually people love to have a conversation. Get out a little more. I think you will enjoy it!

[smith1012]

I don't know if its me but I seem to talk in monotone and if I can't say a word properly it sounds like I mumble. Is this because I'm a quiet person? Or is it because I'm scared to talk thus causing my mouth to not open up wide enough to get the words out clear?

Boy I feel like I wasted my whole 4 year of high school not talking as much to people or hanging around with friends. I keep thinking that being 18 years old is pretty old and haven't done much in my teenage years

[snapdragon]

I have somewhat the same problem, only mine is because I've kind of been scarred by something. My best friend killed herself and you sound kind of like her too. She was very shy and also mumbled sometime. I don't think you should worry too much about whether your speech is great, the main thing is that you're happy.I don't unfortunately have any methods to making new friends or anything, because I have also kind of given up searching for friends. But I am not happy about that, I also can't keep a conversation going. My boyfriend gets mad at me because I don't talk enough. All I can say is that if you feel you need to talk about anything this place has been the best place I've found. I hope that you can get some of the answers that you're looking for.

[smith1012]

Yeah I get kind of worried about how I speak because if someone were to make fun of me and the way I spoke, I would crash into depression mood. Talking is the only were to best communicate with people and if people say I can't talk properly then what else can there be. I know IM can work but I want to talk up front. That is one main reasion why I'm so quiet no a days. I'm paranoid over the way I talk. People do say I mumble sometimes because of my deep voice. I just don't understand why I got the habit of being negative and being quiet. I try to think positive but it is hard when you don't even say word the whole at school. You need something to reinforce the positive thinking you are trying to achieve. I always see talking to others the biggest positive thinking booster of all time. I wish there could be some all day drug that can help out this negative thought problem like how alcohol helps for couple for hours

[Emland]

I don't know if its me but I seem to talk in monotone and if I can't say a word properly it sounds like I mumble. Is this beacuse I'm a quiet person? or is it beacuse I'm scared to talk thus causing my mouth to not open up wide enough to get the words out clear?

My son has a hesitation stutter and his speech teacher recommends that he speak while exhaling. That way it helps project the word out. Do you make eye contact when you speak or do you tend to look down or away? What you say matters so be confident, that will help the words get out, too.

I was shy in High School and even today don't say much in groups until I get a read on the situation.

[Fr_Chuck]

Get into some activity that is of interst, a club, or group, I did not try to track your age from another post if there was one, so I don't know a age gorup, But if you like chess see about a chess club, if you like to build models there are clubs for that. Get invovled at the Y or a church group,
But there are quiet people, and there are people who are more talky.
All you can be is you.

[smith1012]

Okay I found out that past is history and future is mystery therefore I must live in the present. However I need advice on how to keep my mind fully at the present. I usually seem to drift off to thinking about future scenrios and past incidents.

Thanks for all your replies... great help

[templelane]

That sounds like one of the main themes in Aldous Huxley's The Island. It is a book about a utopic society - the opposite of his arguably more famous Brave New World. In it they have trained bird that go attention! And here and now boys- don't worry I'm not suggesting you do that! They also meditated to concentrate on the present - perhaps you could try that. It might also help with your confidence.

I used to be very queit as I moved around a lot - one thing I learned is fake it until you make it. Pretend to yourself that you are confident and act in a confident manner- stand up straight, walk tall - positive body language. Pracitice at home - you'll probably feel silly at first but stick to it- the more you act confident the more confident you will become.

Join a club where people don't know you- they won't know you are usually shy. Walk in and force yourself to smile, make eye contact behave in confident manner - even if you're not. People will believe you and then you will start to believe yourself. People will be nice because you're new and you'll have a common interest (the activity) to start conversation.

Also do you like animals? I find that looking after animals- especailly large ones (dogs/horses) can bring out confidence. You cannot show them doubt or fear if you want them to respect you. Also they don't care what you say to them!

Hope everything goes well, also I recommend those books (random I know).

[smith1012]

What is the best technique to mediate to feel more confident and more into the present?

[templelane]

I'm not an expert on meditation - I've only ever done a wee bit. One of the ones I did like that made you in the present was involved in really looking at an orange. You take it and study it, how does it smell? What is it's texture/shap/colour just concentrate on the orange don't let yourself think about anything but it. I'm not sure I'm explaining this very well... Basically the idea is you focus so much on one thing you can't be anywhere else. You can bulid it up- it gets easier.

Another one I did for a while involved lying in bed and listening to everything around me and concentrating on the noises. Then I would concentrate on what my toes felt like- were they warm/cold? Feeling my toes against each other. I'd do this with every part of my body working my way up towards my head. Focus on your breathing, breath with your diaphram, slow and deep- think concously about what is happening inside yourself to breath, imaging each tiny muscle. The trick is to focus so much on your body in an abstract way that you can't think about the past or the future. A book would probably explain it all much better than I can. It takes a while to get good at it but it is brilliant if you can get it.

Maybe post a new Q and people who can explain this stuff better and will give you coherant advise. You seem really nice - I hope you can get more confident.

[smith1012]

Okay thanks I guess I'l try focusing at an object and think about the object. Every time I stop thinking about the future and the past I feel so happy and good. For example when I stop thinking about how I didn't talk to the girl when she was alone sitting, I just forget about the girl and live life. Before it would like kill me inside and make me just want to sleep. I guess if I practice with having my mind fully at this moment then everything in life will be easy

[wallabee4]

I've read a bunch of your posts and think maybe some of my story would help you to put YOUR life into perspective. In elementary school I had the weird misfortune of every time I made a new best friend that kid would move away. I'm not exaggerating. The kid's Dad's jobs would make them move or they moved out of public school into Christian school or they grade we were in meant the next year we'd be in different schools because of where classes/school district lines were drawn. I got shyer and shyer. Then BAM! In 4th grade I got terrible acne that continued all the rest of the time I was in school. I was really tall for a girl and had what they used to call 'high water' pants (now I'd be fashionable in 'crop' pants, but back them my mom sewed 'extensions' on the bottoms of my pants because we couldn't afford new pants when I got too tall.) I was as isolated as it could get. I had crushes on 3 guys in school who never knew I existed. My pet cat was my only friend. I was in ZERO extra curricular activities all through HS and, like you, figured I'd wasted my time there when I went to college I wanted a brand new life. The only thing I did good with was I studied my brains out and got all A's since I didn't have anything like friends/activities distracting me from my schoolwork. I graduated a year early with all my hard work (quicker to get away from those kids) The teachers all loved me, the kids ignored me. In college I soon realized in a dorm there was no NOWHERE to escape the people who wouldn't be my friends. I, too, was 'known' by everyone, including my sister and myself that I said negative things--sarcastic things about anybody. I'd be waiting in a line and make a nasty comment about the check-out girl. I'd watch TV and make a smart aleck comment about the characters on a show. I'd point out something stupid in a song lyric on the radio. Like you, I tried to control it but it didn't happen. That's when I realized I was just so downright uncomfortable inside my own skin. I know now that I was saying negative things because negative was really all I felt inside. Really, if I DIDN'T make friends then at least I didn't have any friends to lose. (If you love no one you can't get hurt, I guess) I looked in the mirror one day and got the nerve to talk to the school nurse about my acne. I got onto Accutane which was expensive but a Godsend (Mom and Dad's insurance covered it). I got a job at school as dorm night receptionist and saved up to buy more stylish clothes for myself. I made sure I wasn't dressing like what my parents wanted nor what the 'other' girls dressed like but simply in exactly what I FELT COMFORTABLE IN. It's amazing how much difference THAT makes. I went to my guidance counselor to see what my aptitudes should lead me to major in and I focused all my energies again onto school. I spent most of my time in nature--among the trees and birds studying. (Maybe you'd think I was a geek, I have the confidence to say I don't care.) I'd come to realize that I wasn't as negative anymore when I was happy with myself more--and that made me even happier with myself--but it didn't instantly attract friends because my 'shy'was too deep. I'd sit alone in the cafeteria and I never made many friends in college. (I had another factor--a sicko boyfriend I'd picked up along the way--that helped still alienate friends but that doesn't seem to be your problem) But when I started my first job, BOY did I make friends as an adult. None of them knew my past from school and I had made myself into a new person to present to THEM. I was extremely good at what I did and got all sorts of praise and promotions. My cat and I moved out to my own apartment and from that point myself confidence had built to the point where I dumped the sicko boyfriend and I moved onto all sorts of extra curricular activities that made me smile--I went skydiving, fishing, hiking, played pool--and soon I found a man I loved. I attracted good people once I had become a better person. Take this time to simply LOOK in the mirror and one by one see what you can improve about YOU. (It's ONLY EVER going to be YOU that you have the power to change in this world. YOU will NEVER have the power to change OTHERS.) Don't let anybody else in the world affect that decision to change. Change for YOU. A lot of times in my life I've seen that God (if you believe in Him) answers your prayers by saying 'No.' Like you want that girl. God says the answer is 'No.' And eventually you will move on down the road and see the reasons for that. Since God is able to see past present and future, He already knows why. You just have to trust Him. You are actually being given a gift in your life right now while you are struggling to become a better YOU. Lots of those kids you see in the packs of friends--especially the ones you'll see partying all through school and being oh so popular will wake up 10 years later and realize how they wasted THEIR college careers. They spent so much time following the pack they never formed their own identity. Or they attached themselves to a girlfriend in Jr. High and missed out on meeting all sorts of girls in college. I can tell you at 18 I, too, thought I was all grown up and knew everything. I remember being 26 and having to give a presentation at a local high school and walked in and my first impression was, 'gee, look at these little kids! I thought I was all grown up when I was 18, but gee these kids are babies!' I got engaged at 19 and thought I was going to get married. By th grace of God I didn't and instead I married a much different man at age 29. My life would have been a shambles had I gone with my gut at 18. Give yourself the time to mature that you REALLY need.

Remember, a sailor never learns much about sailing on calm seas. It was when he weathered the storms that he learned the skills to be great.

[smith1012]

Wallabee that helped so much. Thank you. I had the problem of thinking I was too old, at 18 years, to not be having fun or hanging out with friends or going out occasionally rather than staying at home most of my time. I guess thinking about a girl like she's my everything even when I don't know her a s much is typical emotional behaviour at this age. I guess 18 years old is way to young and its when you go to college and mature that life truly starts.

I could become that person who went From NEgative to Positive. I could be that person who was all shy and quiet to a completely new man who talks with others and make a lot of frieends. That is quite the inspiration.

[wallabee4]

Once you asked about books. Might be out of print, but try Steven Covey's 7 habits of Highly Effective People and George Sheehan's Personal Best. GREAT books for turning your life AROUND.

Remember, though, it gets tough if you don't have a habit to replace a bad one with. Simply replace your bad habits of shy and negative with WHATEVER YOU are good at--even if it doesn't directy lead you to many friendships. For me it was writing and firefighting. For you maybe Art or cartooning or music. Or typically male mechanics or weights or running or typically non-male flower arranging who cares as long as it's what YOU want. I once made a friend for life by being on a beach and sculpting a guitar into the sand. I was all by myself and this guy walked by and saw it--he played guitar, I only wished I could-- and we struck up a conversation. Turned out although we were 200 miles from home, he was actually from MY HOMETOWN. We've been TIGHT friends since 1981... (See what I mean about God knowing more than we do?)