[LadyB]

Fr_Chuck, you have posted several times in the adoption forum, and seem to be against adoptees searching for their biological families. May I ask why? Do you have any personal connection to adoption?

I see you are from Sparta. We have a connection in that my maternal grandfather was from Sparts, and my ancestors through him have been in the area since 1795. Ever heard of Griffintown Road? That's the remnants of my ancestors landholdings. Know any Broyles, Griffins, or Wilhites? If so I am related to them somehow.

I have never been there, and my grandfather died when my mom was a child, so I never met him. However, I am connected to the area, and to the human race, through the unbroken chain of biology and I am thrilled to know that. It makes me feel complete and an affinity for people I have never met. It is an important part of my identity.

Adoptees don't always feel connected to all of history like I do, they have been disconnected from one chain and put on another. Nothing wrong with the new chain necessarily, but it can tend to make one feel alone or isolated or lacking in a solid sense of self... "Who am I and where did I come from and how did I get here".

There are so many reasons adoptees might need to meet their biological family, and it doesn't reflect badly on their adoptive parents in the least... it helps them have a fully integrated identity. A search for biological family is a search for self. Please don't discount that need and desire.

[Fr_Chuck]

I work with support groups sometimes and what I have found ( of course those that have great meetings don't need support groups)

But everyone that looks one of two things happen, they either find, or they don't find, we see all of the great reunions on Opah and other TV shows, but we never see the bad ones, where the birth parent gets a restraining order to keep them away, where they find out there were a product of rape, where their birth mother curses them and spits in their face, where when they find them they are told, that now they wish they had had an abortion. You have ones where they find that their birth parents were sexual preditors or worst. Perhaps they get spit on by their birth parents. So after having this fanticy of a wonderful loving mother that will be all they ever wanted, they find a drug using hooker.

And of course you have the cases where the one of the birth parents are remarried and never told their new partner about it, and when they do it causes them so much trouble it causes their divorce.

And actually I am adopted and I have a son who is adopted and a son who adopted a child, so yes I have a lot of experience, Plus years of working with adoptees who have such a hard time after they find the bio parent from hell.

And then the real parents ( that is the adoptive ones) because they are the legal parent and also they are also the ones who were there to teach them to ride a bike, the ones who held them in the middle of the night when they were scared.

And they have a great identity, they are the child of a loving family who went out of their way to pick this child, and if they want to search who they are, they search the history of their adopteve parent because that is who they really are.

And unlike many say, I found my birth parents, and they are OK, birth father died many years ago and I found a 1/2 brother and three 1/2 sisters, but no connection, they are stangers just like picking someone and saying he is my brother. My 1/2 brother and I have talked on the phone but never meet in person, just say no reason to want to, no shared history , merely the same sperm donor. Just like if three ladies when into a sperm bank and had children from the same donor, it does not connect the children by any real bond. The bonds in life come form what we do growing up,

And to be honest I knew the father of the son I adopted and I provided him his name and address ( if you ever notice I have a lot of resourses in finding people) I don't think he ever connacted him, but I gave him that chance.

What a lot of adoptees don't know, and often seldom said, most of the time the adopted parents know exactly who the birth parents are, even in the old sealed adoptions, it is listed on the original adoption papers that they signed and many times given a copy of it. I know this as a fact since my real parents ( adopted) had a copy of the court order naming my real parents. And a bribe of 100 bucks to a court clerk got me a copy of the original birth certiicate. ( not advise this for people now adays)

I found out I was listed in the orgianal family bible, and got some photos of my birth parents, so mine went fairly well compaired to the 1000's of adoptees Ihave worked with over the years.

*******The main trouble is they are expecting too much from this relationship, the are wanting a family, mom and dad who has searched for them all of their lives, and will fill some empty spot, I see the words,
I just have to find them, I can't live without knowing, I have never, and so on. And when they find the real life, I doubt anything really would be right for them, and when it goes bad, like actually I believe most do, it causes them so much harm, they are not prepared or will accept it will go bad.

If a person just has a interest, and wants to find out what happened and know they may find out their dad was a dead beat, and their mom was a hooker I have no real problem with them looking, just that they need to be realistic.

But yes their can be strange things found, for example it turns out my 1/2 brother and I went to the same college, he used to come and eat at the dinner I used to own. But I guess the strangest was I ened up doing the same job ( project engineer) as my birth father, and we both ended up having a accident involving chemicals at @ age of 40, he died from it, and I came close to dying. And both of us had 5 children.
So that was sort of strange,

We know a doctor here in Town who is a Griffin, and I have heard some of the other names, I moved here about 3 years ago when I opened up a business here.

But honestly I can't name any one real reason that anyone NEEDS to find their birth parents excpet for a medical emegancy, maybe needed a transplant, but even medcial history with today's testing, does not mean a lot.
It is not a need, it is basically a mental or emotional desire, that can often be helped in counseling making them happy with who they are, not needing to try and find some majic peroson to cure all that is wrong in their lifes.

It all comes from the belief that we are who we are from our environment, not as much from the genes, and the social interaction that we go though with the people who raise us, makes us who we are, and that a person who is happy with thierself don't have an uncontorled desire to HAVE to know who was the sperm donor.

Just read the posts here in legal about the dead beat dada who are so willing to sign over every right, so they don't have to pay child support, where in life can these deadbeat jerks ever be of any good to find.

[LadyB]

Thanks for your response. I appreciate it.

I am also and adoptive parent, but we are in an open adoption with a wonderful relationship with my son's bio-family. He is the most incredible kid, and very much loved by us, as well as his bio family. People are born with certain traits via their genes, and their environment helps shape those traits and activate the genes, but I feel both are important and should be respected as what makes a unique individual.

Sure, there are negative histories out there, but I don't think crack smoking hookers and pedophiles are even close to the "norm" as far as birthparents. I also am a big believer in facts over fantasy, and would want anyone I loved to know those facts, and deal with those facts rather than demonizing or idealizing to fill the empty space.

[Paragraphein]

So... are you saying adoptees should not search based on fear? Fear of what they might find?

That is what it sounds like to me.

Is that really a good approach to life?

I mean I can see making some decisions out of fear... like, I don't run into the road without looking first, because I'm fearful of getting run over by a car.

But the thing is... statistically, there are lots of cars to be found on roads.


Whereas statistically, I've seen no good evidence that most birth parents end up being horrible people and negative influences in adoptees' lives.


I have to be honest, hearing you talk about all the things that could go wrong upon a reunion... a lot of them smack of prejudice to me.

I am a birth mom.

I am not a hooker.
I am not a drug user.
I am not living in secrecy and hiding my daughter's identity from everyone.
I am not a cold woman with no feelings for my daughter.

The others... "causing" a divorce between a birth mom and her husband... stuff like that... that is not the adoptee's fault. I understand the adoptee may FEEL it is, but it's not. If the marriage was that fragile, that it was unable to withstand the discovery and reunion of a long-lost family member of one spouse, then it was not a good marriage with a good foundation to begin with.

Bringing the truth to light is never a bad thing, IMO. Sometimes there will be fallout, yes. Sometimes the fallout will be difficult, painful, hard to navigate. But that doesn't mean bringing the truth to light was a wrong move. It doesn't mean secrecy or broken family bonds should have prevailed. What it means is everyone needs to do their best to sort through the fallout, and form something new, something stronger, something more loving, something workable, something redemptive, from the pieces.

[grammadidi]

I think that so often children 'blame' themselves for being adopted. I also believe that many of them, no matter what, just don't feel 'connected' to their adoptive parents - even though they may be wonderful parents. Sometimes, finding their birth parents can help them understand that it was circumstance, immaturity, ignorance, illness, lack of support systems, rape, addictions, etc. that caused the parents to give them up - not the fault of the child. I also feel that if no 'connection' is established with the birth parent after finding them that it can enable the connection to more easily form with the adoptive family.

Often, the circumstances at the time made adoption the best choice for the child and the decision to place that child was the single most unselfish and loving thing the birth parent could have done at the time. Does that mean the child should never know their parent or the parent should never know their child? Sometimes all that is needed is a thank you.

Even if the birth parents are truly horrible people, it can benefit someone who has been adopted to meet them and realize this for themselves. It can just put something deep inside them to rest.

I would like to add that my (deceased) husband's parents divorced when he was a baby. His mother died when he was 3 and his father was not accepted by the family because they feared that he would take the 2 children from them. He did not want to cause the family any hardship or upset the children's lives, so he left them with their maternal grandmother. My husband always felt like he missed out. He wanted to know his dad, know some family history, hear his father's side. Well, I found his father for his 48th birthday. They bonded immediately and had a wonderful relationship until they both died within six weeks of each other. Never did I regret finding that man. His other children never accepted my husband coming back into their father's life. None of them ever expressed a desire to meet or correspond with him. That hurt my husband, but he bore no hard feelings. It was important to him that he know he had another brother and some sisters, and he would have liked to meet them, but he did understood and respected their lack of desire.

All in all, I think that if a person feels the need deep inside them then they should be able to fulfill that need, regardless of the consequences. If nothing else, it may bring the closure they need in order to lead an emotionally healthy, happy life.

Didi

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes the truth, you don't search because you already have a mother and a father, the people who adopted you.
The other sperm and egg donors gave up and all rights to any contact with the child years ago. That is the truth to it,

What it means is that the people with some misconceived idea of family needs counseling to get though those issues, If a birth parent is having issues, they need counseling to get over their issues,
A adoptee can get counseling to understand that the real parents are those who have worked and helped and raised them all of those years.

And it is not fear, but it should be known to those searching what can happen, I cousel so many that watch the loving meetings and have this grand idea of what their meeting will be like, and when it does not happen, they are destroyed since they have filled some whole in their life with this deam,

And really what good is finding, someone is always harmed, if no one else the adopted parents since they lose a special closeness, they may not admit it, but there is a pain.

I have seen far too much pain and suffering form these searches, teens at near suicide, young adults that desert their adopted parents to run to someone who was never there for them.

Read some of these posts from men wanting to give up their rights, so they don't have to pay child support, which of those loving men deserve a visit from their child when they are old. What do you tell them, it is OK, desert your child, give them up, but it is OK, when they are 20 go find them and walk right back into their life.

[grammadidi]

Oh, and I do not support kids looking for their birth parents. I think they should be at least 21 (although I would say 25 if it were up to me) unless there are some extenuating circumstances (ie: a fatal disease or illness). As Fr_Chuck noted, this could have a detrimental effect on youth or young adults.

Didi