[DDONMOM]

I Need Some Help Here!! I Have A 16 Year Old Daughter.
She Is A Bright, Beautiful, Amazing Young Lady That Has Decided To Destroy Her Life.
She Is Using Drugs Skipping School Doing Everything She Can To Disobay Everything I Say.I Got A Call From Her After She Took A Ride From A Boy Who Was High And They Had Just Slammed The Car Into A Parked Car Doing 60. She Was Ok But Was Handcuffed And Taken To The Hospital In The Police Car.she Was Cited For "under The Influence" She Had Taken A Bunch Of COLD Pills To Get High.
Last Night She Told Me She Hated Me And Wished I Would Get Outa Her Life And Leave Her Alone.BECAUSE I TOOK HER CELL PHONE AWAY BECAUSE SHE WAS GROUNDED FOR BEING HIGH AGAIN AND SHE LEFT ANYWAY WHILE I WAS AT WORK.
She Says She Can Do Whatever Because Fate Decides What Happens So If She Od's It Was Meant To Be!!
I Can't Get Her To Open Up.we Had An Appointment To See A Counsler She Wouldn't Go So I Went By Myself. He Said I Was Doing All The Right Things But Nothing Seems To Work.
Any Ideas Out There??

[shenda]

I find it easy to remember the days of old, when you were a teenager, your reactions and thoughts... I understand that those were different times; however, the principle remains the same... temptation of the forbidden fruit.

Your daughter seems to be spiritual, believing in fate, karma and od's, thus remind her of the actions she takes now, shall come back to visit her at a later date. Remind her of the foundation she is laying and building upon. She has to make decisions and choices, thus she must be accountable unto the choices she makes. This may present you with a challenge for no mother desires to witness a child in ruins, yet sometimes we have to take our hands off them, in order for them to become All to aware of what they are doing. Life is not a game, she must understand that. You may try to help her feel the consequences of her actions. Sit down with her, advise her of what she could attain, do not focus so much on the disruptive behavior, do not rage for this feeds her behavior. Whatever you feed grows, begin to instill hope, help increase her appetite for good. Personally, I implore spiritual guidance, seeking God in the manner by which I am to parent. When my son turned 16, he started using drugs, I did not fuss at him. I merely kept him accountable to activities and chores, sometimes waking him at 5am to clean his room, not giving him money, encouraging his interest in art and music. Advising him of the foundation speech he grew up with. Be it sand, which blows away, wood, which seems sturdy, but with enough rain, it rots and gives way, with enough wind, it is torn apart; or brick, rocks... solid foundations affording him to build as high as he desires... very shortcut version, but I know you will get the drift. So with me not giving him money, he decided that he would seek employment, the real world reality bit him hard, he was offered a job contingent upon him testing negative for drugs, when he did not pass the drug test, he felt his future looked glim, thus consciously deciding that obtaining gainful employment meant more to him than using drugs. My son has been drug-free for over four years now and he has discovered the art of conversation. He now values his future... in his own words... "Mom, I am growing up now". Each child is different, but for some... it is not in getting high, it is the oppression to conform, the rebellious nature to do what one is told not to do; help her understand why she feels the need to get high. Remain non-judgmental, give her time to trust you, to confide in you, yet remain firm... do not allow her to disrespect you. As my late mother reminded All eight of her daughters, "There is only one Queen in this house, if you feel you can not adhere to what is expected...see the door and make your own way". She meant that and until we were able to roost our own nest, we obeyed.

[mike145k]

You need to get her away from her friends they are not a good positive role models,if you have to enroll her in some kind of programs that help children who have gone down the wrong way and you as a parent are the responsible ones,get your act together and read books on this problem do all you can to help her. :) :mad: :eek:

[serialwife]

Okay someone get ready to mark one on the wall. I agree with Mike on this one. It is the parents responsibility and enrolling her in programming might help. If she continues down this path you can file an out of control warrant with the family court in your city. It will bring her before a judge and then you and the judge will set forth the house rules. If she violates those rules it is the same as breaking any other law. Sometimes it takes a few days in juvie to realize that sucking down Nyquil to get drunk and high isn't cool.

[lilfyre]

To help you help your daughter you must first be able to help your self. I had a problem similar with some one very close to me. Some one suggested Nar-Anon. I kind of shrugged it off because I felt that it was not me that need a support group. After a few weeks more of dealing with the chaos and anarchy that had besieged my family I went. I sat and listened to all of the stories and learned about the behavior of the user, the things they say like they hate you or it is your fault. You learn that it is not your fault and they are acting the way they do to continue to use, it is just there way of getting you off their back. I do not know where you live so try the link below it is a Nar-Anon like that list all the state and world wide. I hope this was in some way helpful to you. www.naranonmi.org/meetings_worldwide.htm

[justagurl:)]

Hi, I was almost like your daughter when I was 12-13. Getting high, atheist, cutting myself, attempting suicide, just a plain awful kid! Well, its been about... a year, maybe two.. so I am about to be 15 next week... and I am the happiest person in the world... well almost. I went to church and got saved. I had possitive ro models, and they have blessed me in so many ways! I really got close to them, and my mom tore them out of my life. I miss them terribly. I cry all the time. They have done nothing but good for me and my parents ruined it. They grounded me from church, and I almost wanted to go back to my "old ways" but that was just the devil, God told me NO! Hehe. Your daughter MIGHT be doing it for attention. That's half of why I did it. The other half is because I hated myself. It seems to me that you really love your daughter VERY much. Try ( I don't know if you have a religion) praying for her. Or bribe her to go to church. That's how I got there.hehe. But, if not, I will definitely pray for her... if you don't mind... whats her name?
Chelsea**

[feelhelpless]

To help you help your daughter you must first be able to help your self. I had a problem similar with some one very close to me. Some one suggested Nar-Anon. I kind of shrugged it off because I felt that it was not me that need a support group. After a few weeks more of dealing with the chaos and anarchy that had besieged my family I went. I sat and listened to all of the stories and learned about the behavior of the user, the things they say like they hate you or it is your fault. You learn that it is not your fault and they are acting the way they do to continue to use, it is just there way of getting you off their back. I do not know where you live so try the link below it is a Nar-Anon like that list all the state and world wide. I hope this was in some way helpful to you. www.naranonmi.org/meetings_worldwide.htm

Thank you for your post. What hit me the most was your statement about getting you off their back. That is exactly what my daughter is doing and she feels that she is being successful. I hate the drug world and feel so helpless in getting her off the drug. Again, thank you for your suggestion.

[fredg]

Hi,
The VERY best thing you can do for your daughter is NOT continue with the same things happening!! You have to make a change for her.
Go to your local Social Services department, talk with them.
Also, talk with someone about seeing a judge, maybe circuit court; get a judge's decision to legally have her placed elsewhere, like a drug free enviroment; such as a rehabilitation center.
If you do nothing, your daughter will probably ruin her life, and cause you even more unhappiness.
Drugs are one of the worst scourges on Earth; and this will not change until you cause it to change.
She is a minor, and has to be treated as such by the Courts.
Best of luck,
fredg

[Morganite]

Hello, Lilfyre,

I know this is not what you probably want to hear, but by age sixteen children are spreading thei wings and finding out for themselves.

They are trying life outside the nest whilst still keeping, as it were, one foot inside it as a place to hide if things go badly wrong.

Continue to be supportive, not condoning what is wrong, but confirming your love for her. She needs to know that you love her, in spoite of all that has transpired.

It is in the scheme of things that children will go out of parental control, and that's part of establishing their own personalities and characters independent of the nuclear family.

Kids are meant to grow up and deal with society on their own terms. If your parenting has been of the right kind, she will probably not go too far astray. Even if she does, it is impossible to 'control' children forever. They grow up and become their own people.

Our pareting is designed to lead them to the point so that when they do, they know which choices are correct, and which ones are not.

They will make mistakes, and they are also part of the maturing process that accompanies familial separation.

However, through all of the long process, whether you like it or not, the responsibiliy of parents is to continue to love and support their children, even when they dislike their choices. Never - ever - give up on your kids!

:)

[s_cianci]

Inform your daughter that she needs to make a choice ; either live by your rules or she does not live in your home and you wash your hands of any and all responsibility for her. Then state the rules that you want her to live by. Better yet, do this beforehand so that when you do confront her there's no question or ambiguities. I know that this is a painful position for you to be in but it was your daughter who put you and herself in this position. She must take responsibility for herself and her decisions and if she insists on destroying her own life, then you cannot allow her to destroy yours and those of the rest of your family as well. She will have to suffer the consequences of all of her decisions, most of which will no doubt be bad ones. However, even after you've "disowned" her, keep your list of rules handy. If in despairation she eventually "repents" and wishes to come back home, she can if she agrees to abide by your rules, just as before. Once again, however, the minute she strays from your rules, then she's out of there. The choices are all hers ; she eithers follows the program and reaps the rewards or rebels and suffers the consequences.

[Morganite]

With respect to the previous poster, giving ultimata to teenagers is always a bad move.

In her present state of mind, she is very likely to march out of your home, your family, and your life forever, which is probably not what she really wants to do.

But telling her that it's "My way or the highway!" is almost always counterproductive, and if you are really worried about her well-being, you will not force her to make such a stark choice as this.

You have to keep the lines of communication open alongside of your front door, her space in your home, and her space in your heart.

All any parent can do is to do their best to teach right and guide well. Beyond that, Children don't stay children and your daughter is less that two years away from legally being an adult.

Love her because you love her, and do not make your love for her dependent on he robedience to you. As Robert Browniung write:

"Love is not love that alters,
When it alteration finds"

Being a parent involves sacrifice, often of the highest order, and it costs some parents dear. But the extent to which they are willing to sacrifice and suffer for their children indicates the extent of their love.

She may just be having a wild teenage fling, or she might be setting out on a life of drugs, sex, and rock and roll, but whatever it is, she need your constant and consistent support.

She will know that you do not condone what she does and how she lives, but if - over and above that - she knows that you love her and always will - come what may - she will know where to run to when the storms of life begin to overwhelm her.

Do not cut her off, and do not give her the ultimatum either to knuckle down or else get out of your life. Children have to be given room and time to try their own wings, or else they will always be children.

If you have taught her well and set good examples for her throughout childhood, she will remember what she has been taught, and it will stand her in good stead when she most needs it.

I think that your trials as a parent are not done, but let your love for your child grow to provide the strength you will need to face them successfully and keep her love.

I always taught my children that whatever happened to them in life, and whatever they did, whether it was right or wrong, they should always come straight home to be loved, and my hearts and door would never be closed against them.

Please don't close the door, even if you feel that you have no alternative.

Morganite

[arcura]

You have some good advice here. Use it as best fit and that you can.
But always keep in mind the obvious.
Your job as a parent is to prepare your kid for life away from you as a decent citizen who will be of self value and value to others.
Also that you have just a short time now until she can legally be out of you area of influence.
Don't delay. Use what you can of the suggestions here and PRAY.
I'll also pray for you and your daughter.
Peace and kindness,
Fred (arcura)
:)