[Jiser]

I believe time alone doesn't heal. You have to want to get over your ex and constantly try to see yourself happy without them. As long as you focus on the fear that you'll never meet anyone else, the anger that they left, or the hope you'll get them back, you'll stay pretty much stuck in the same place.

Of course, you need to take time to grieve the end of a relationship, but you also need to keep looking and moving forward - not backwards. It’s important to do new things, meet new people and create new memories.

Gradually, as you force yourself to interact with others, you will start to find yourself enjoying at least parts of life again. If keeping yourself busy was the only solution to getting over an ex, then none of us would be here. It's a combination of doing these things, time and crucially adopting the right attitude that works - by judge

[teri2]

That is so true. If you really want to get over a breakup you do have to get out and meet new people and never give up your life for anyone. I went through a tough time trying to get over my ex that I broke up with because he did not appreciate me so I ended the relatiionship. It was hard because I loved him but I also had to realize that he just was not the man for me. He calls me when he feels like he is totally losing me and that does not help me because it brings back all of the emotions that I had for him. Now I just don't answer his calls anymore. ;)

[SouthernBelle06]

I agree that you have to want to get over an ex and you have to give up hope that they will come back before you can begin to come to terms with everything. My ex broke up with me unexpectedly last year after a year together. It's very hard to want to get over someone when you are still in love with them though. I struggled with that a lot this past year. In my case the breakup was completely out of nowhere (at least from my receiving end it was... it never is for the one doing the dumping though). It comes as such a shock sometimes. I struggled a long time whether to give up hope of a reconciliation, but once I truly accepted that it was over and cut contact with him, I slowly started to heal and do better.

I will say that I never "wanted" to get over my ex (because I loved him), but I was forced to. I also struggled with guilt for not being his friend after the breakup (because he repeatedly contacted me asking for friendship) but it was too hard for me because I wanted more from him than just friendship. Every time he would contact me after the breakup, I would find myself analyzing his words looking for clues that might indicate that he wanted to reconcile and it kept me stuck in a cycle of hope and consequently disappointment.

Post breakup friendship with him was just too hard for me, but not for him (because he wasn't the one who was dumped). I still miss talking to him about things sometimes, but I tell myself that I didn't want this breakup, he did. I think you come to a point that you know you have to get over someone and you have to try to focus on taking care of your own self and your own life and happiness. You learn that you certainly can't control someone else's feelings. You have to wave the white flag and say "OK I surrender. I accept defeat" and try to keep your pride and dignity and get on with things.:)

[origins13]

I completely agree you Southernbelle! And good points made, Jiser! It's been almost half a year since my ex of 5 years broke up with me. I tried to do all things to get over him but it's hard. At times, I still wonder if I can get over him. It's been quite a long time since the break up and I still think about him from time to time.

I guess after all, it takes time to heal. But it also takes a lot of effort to move on. Perhaps cause my ex was seeing someone else soon after the break up and yet keep asking to stay friends which I refused to. Two months ago I struggled through and changed my mobile number so my ex could not contact me, telling me he still loves me, blah blah blah, giving me false hopes and yet is still in a relationship with someone else.

Break up is difficult. But eventually we'll reach a point where we can rationalize that we're better off without our ex, despite we still love them. We all just need to stay strong and have the determination to move on for a better life.

[SouthernBelle06]

I know how you feel origins. My ex insisted on the friendship after dumping me too. My ex and I were long distance but we had discussed my moving to his city last year. I was planning to look for jobs in his city just a couple of weeks before he told me that he met a girl closer that he really liked, told me he was unhappy with "the situation" with me, broke up with me to be with her, but still wanted to stay in touch with me as friends. This came out of nowhere and completely threw me for a loop. I was devastated. I said no to the friendship and asked him to leave me alone. He wouldn't. He kept leaving messages, emailing, calling as "friends". I am a nice person and still cared for him so I tried not to be rude and I would answer him sometimes. I tried to keep it casual, but repeatedly mentioned I didn't think the friendship was a good idea. He knew I was hesitant about it. I told him in September of last year that I couldn't be friends anymore. He said he understood and left me alone for about 6 weeks.

Then when he emailed me out of nowhere last November stating oh so casually that he now lived with the girl he dumped me for, that was it. I told him that I would no longer be in touch, and I politely told him that I didn't appreciate his insensitivity about the situation, and I cut it off for good. This made me very angry because I had asked him to stop contacting me several times and to me it just seemed cruel. So I couldn't deal with it anymore. I really loved this guy was prepared to change my whole life to be with him (of course he lives somewhere that I have always been interested in moving to anyway) and he completely betrayed me. So there you go.

I don't know why someone will break up with you specifically for someone else, hurt you, and then expect you to remain their best friend. Call me crazy, but I just don't get it.

[SAB123]

I also agree on this. I realize now that my Ex/Fiance of almost 5yrs used me and was her door mat. But deep down inside I still love her and her son but when she broke up with me those other 5 times and I didn't want to let go of her so I stayed miserable for 2-3 months on each time she cut my heart. But she always came back for some reason. Not this time (Well not yet) But by letting go of that person you start to thinking clearer and you stop thinking about them more by the day. Will she contact me again to get back or to be friends, I can almost guarantee that. But by wanting to heal you can make the right decision to take that person back. And NO I'm not taking her back ever again.

[origins13]

I know how you feel origins. My ex insisted on the friendship after dumping me too. My ex and I were long distance but we had discussed my moving to his city last year. I was planning to look for jobs in his city just a couple of weeks before he told me that he met a girl closer that he really liked, told me he was unhappy with "the situation" with me, broke up with me to be with her, but still wanted to stay in touch with me as friends. This came out of nowhere and completely threw me for a loop. I was devastated. I said no to the friendship and asked him to leave me alone. He wouldn't. He kept leaving messages, emailing, calling as "friends". I am a nice person and still cared for him so I tried not to be rude and I would answer him sometimes. I tried to keep it casual, but repeatedly mentioned I didn't think the friendship was a good idea. He knew I was hesitant about it. I told him in September of last year that I couldn't be friends anymore. He said he understood and left me alone for about 6 weeks.

Then when he emailed me out of nowhere last November stating oh so casually that he now lived with the girl he dumped me for, that was it. I told him that I would no longer be in touch, and I politely told him that I didn't appreciate his insensitivity about the situation, and I cut it off for good. This made me very angry because I had asked him to stop contacting me several times and to me it just seemed cruel. So I couldn't deal with it anymore. I really loved this guy was prepared to change my whole life to be with him (of course he lives somewhere that I have always been interested in moving to anyway) and he completely betrayed me. So there you go.

I don't know why someone will break up with you specifically for someone else, hurt you, and then expect you to remain their best friend. Call me crazy, but I just don't get it.

I think we were in similar situation, SouthernBelle. I was also in long distance with my ex. We tried to work things out. Problem was I couldn't move to where he was at the time due to some family issues at home. Before we broke up, he told me that he wanted us to work out and offered to move to where I am. But few weeks later, out of the blue, he called it quit. Soon after I found out he's seeing someone else already.

He wanted to stay as friends. Since the break up, he called and/or emailed me about every two weeks, telling me how he still has feelings for me, blah blah blah. At one point, I just give up cause I couldn't figure him out - why would a guy break up with you and still wants to be friends? Why would a guy tells you he has feelings for you but is still seeing someone else? I was very angry and disappointed that I was with this person for 5 years and at the end realize I actually don't know him at all.

So conclusion is - we're better off without this people. Though I still love him, I know cutting him off is for the best in the long run.

[canadianbacon]

SouthernBelle, It seems like I'm beginning to go through what you went through awhile ago. The entire breakup out of nowhere, her wanting friendship but it was too hard for me, etc. It makes me cheer up a bit reading that you're doing OK now though, because I can't seem to get out of this depression. You give me hope that one day, sooner or later, I will get over this girl that I'm still madly in love with.

[SouthernBelle06]

Well Canadianbacon, I won't tell you that it has been easy because it hasn't. I'm not 100 % yet. I still miss my ex sometimes, I still regret the way things went down, I still regret that we don't talk, and I still hurt that he is with someone else (at least as far as I know he is). I still wish that things had turned out differently between my ex and me sometimes, but it's not like I initiated the breakup. I kind of got stuck with it. I have no regrets on any of the behavior on my part (well, other than letting myself get so emotionally invested in someone who apparently did not care as much for me). I know that I tried and I was willing to do what it took to make things work. What else could I do? It hurts but after so long you finally just have to accept what's happened and focus on your own life and well being, not so much on your ex all the time. I'm doing a lot better and I am not depressed like I was but it's because I made an effort to focus on taking good care of myself, both physically and mentally, and I had to stop being in touch with him. I talk things over with friends when I am upset and I am trying to do things to make me happier. Giving up hope for a reconciliation was probably one of the hardest things for me to do and of course the passage of time helps. But there are many here on the site who have been through breakups and are probably doing a lot better than me like Skell and Geoffersonairplane, just to name a few. Read back on their posts : )

[Jiser]

Its hard, I still talk to my ex on IM. Always looking for some sort of hint, always advise her, try to be nice and she knows it and I think appreciates it, don't let allot go about myself. Though I am progressing well from the break up finally :P. I look around a bit and I can tell her ex's are sniffing good and hard like they did when I was with her! Now she's got a job with one of them.

It's a lonely world but hey :(

[karma82]

Its hard, I still talk to my ex on IM. Always looking for some sort of hint, always advise her, try to be nice and she knows it and i think appreciates it, don't let allot go about myself. Though I am progressing well from the break up finally :P. I look around a bit and I can tell her ex's are sniffing good and hard like they did when I was with her! Now shes got a job with one of em.

Its a lonely world but hey :(

It is impossible for a human being to completely give up feelings for somebody they cared about. We can only fool are selfs. This is why no contact is normally the best bet, but in this age of instant comunication, it makes it hard. I feel for you Jiser. I too am trying to be the nice guy and sit back and show that I still care but can move on if I have to. Maybe it is killing me but, can you really justify going out and meeting somebody, dating them, all the while knowing that if your ex calls you and really puts in some effort that you will go back to her? What about the other peoples feelings? I am just trying not to fool myself into thinking that I don't care about her anymore, because I do! Everything has a way of sorting itself out in the end.

[iamm_flawless]

I believe that this is very true although the hope of them coming back could come true , not saying I don't agree with other people... but once that person has left you some realize that they honestly loved or liked you but some come back to use you & torture with your feelings , this is actually a true fact & most people , just let them come right back into their lives & honestly its not worth the heart break move on boo & focus on your future not a guy... who cares you can find another & not like him/her better than them . So this is what you do try & let go , but don't forget to grieve so you will know that the feeling is mutual & figure out where your religious beliefs are ( didn't want to offend anybody) & then go for your success , their will be days your remember the good times & the bad but that's not necessarily bad just don't let it happen again . Stop Searching for the same person all your life , its okay to start brand spanking new.. be yourself & be different .