[Secret_J]

I truly believe that my existence is based on the morals and values of what I’ve obtained growing up until this day in my life. I’ve recently made a sacrifice for my relationship and it’s making me feel wretched inside. This sacrifice has to do with morality of one’s character and for me to let go of what I believe is truly honorable, it’s makes me lose a piece of myself too.

I’ve been crying my eyes out for the past two days. After making this decision, I feel regret, but I keep thinking of what I have gained – I get to keep “him.”

I know love takes sacrifice, but I think sometimes why couldn’t have he done the same?

Every woman wants that support from her man, to feel backed up and protected, to feel secure. I didn’t get that from him at all when the whole situation happened with him and his friend. His friend basically swindled me out of money, and took advantage of me for everything else. I let my boyfriend know of the situation, and there was no sense of him backing me up after hearing of what his friend did to me. After awhile its been an on going argument – my views vs. his views. I know that you are not suppose to treat people like that, but his bond with his friend blinds him from seeing the true character of this person. His friend also has bad influences with him about drugs, now my boyfriend is thinking on going back into it after being 6 months clean, he wants to return to the habit because of his friend still does it.

I chose to give in, and to not let it “bother me anymore,” but it makes me feel that I am weak and that this situation of his friend taking advantage of me is going to be an excuse for anyone of his friends to do similar things. At the same time I want our relationship to keep going. I love him more than words can say, and I’m willing to do anything to show him that, even lose a piece of myself. Is this wrong for me to do? He won’t ever leave his friend, and I know that, no matter how bad his friend treated me, I know that. That’s why I chose to give in.

I just feel so horrible inside. Like I don’t even know who I am anymore. I am numb to everything. I have fought over and over again about what I believe a good person, a decent person can or cannot do, but I just feel so lost.

Please help.

[sypher373]

I chose to give in, and to not let it “bother me anymore,” but it makes me feel that I am weak and that this situation of his friend taking advantage of me is going to be an excuse for anyone of his friends to do similar things. At the same time I want our relationship to keep going. I love him more than words can say, and I’m willing to do anything to show him that, even lose a piece of myself. Is this wrong for me to do? He won’t ever leave his friend, and I know that, no matter how bad his friend treated me, I know that. That’s why I chose to give in.

You did not choose to give in.

You want to give in, you want all the tension to subside, and you want to be happy again. You wish that you could give in and just let it go, but deep down you know that you won't be happy if you give in on the issue and let it go.

The only solution I see to this situation is to reach some sort of compromise with your boyfriend. While I don't see any reasonable compromise involving drugs, other than him quitting, if one party is not happy, the relationship will not work. A middle ground needs to be found between the two of you.

To "give in" with the hopes of becoming numb to the feelings and indifferent to the issue is not helping the situation. Until you can honestly say that you are happy, or at least satisfied, with a compromise that you have reached, the issue will not go away.

[richcali]

You must come first above all others and if that is not the way he thinks then he is the wrong guy. Now go a step further and have the friend take advantage of you in any way and he does not see your view... sorry he is not in this relationship like you are. You should never have to be a second choice and I am afraid you are more like third in his choices as drugs and his friend seem to have the top two

[Secret_J]

I really do think that I love him more than he loves me. Even though he does say it is equal, the sacrifices I have made to maintain this relationship are far more than what he could have ever done. He said so himself and he's proven that by not defending and supporting me during this whole ordeal with his friend.

It's really hard for me to understand why he would let his friend get away with this, and I question his friendship because you wouldn't want to do or hurt your friend's partner anyway shape or form as a mutual respect between the two. Unfortunately boyfriend doesn't see it that way and only gets defensive when the argument gets brought up. The history he has with this person is the excuse I get of why he can't be on my side.

I haven't eaten for the past two days. I am emotionally tired, and we both agreed to work it out but at the expense of me losing myself integrity and the morals and values I have strongly believed throughout my lifetime. He's worth it though. I love him too much and I refuse to let anyone come between our love even if that person has treated me very badly. I have to live with it I guess.

[talaniman]

Hi Secret, I remember you from your previous post and I think I told you then, I can tell you're a nice person, and I don't want to be harsh but this is a nightmare of your own making, and will get much worse if you continue to allow such shabby treatment. This love you have is to one way, and takes you to places you should not have to go. That is so unhealthy for you and you have it within your power to have so much more. First lose the BS partner who puts his friends before you. If this is not a bad sign, I don't know what is. Next stand up for yourself and stick to your own guns, as you know what's right for you, and what your doing now ain't it by a long shot. It's your call but if I were you I'd cut all the BS from my life and replace it with what's real and healthy, and then you don't have to beat yourself up for giving up what you believe, to some undeserving chump, and his long time punk buddy.

[mckenzie134]

Once you lose your morals and values you lose yourself. Once you lose yourself you are no longer living your life. Once you are no longer living your life, you will then be living someone else's! The hardest thing for you to do secret is walk away I could hardly do it myself but if you clea your mind do you really want to be with someone who puts his friends before you? I know you know what the correct answer is and you may say I am sacrificing for love and to stay with him, well I tell you now you do not want to be with a person who would not do the same for you. Giving things up for someone is not great but is sometimes done but when drugs are involved get out. Its hard to do but really he doesn't sound to in love with you and the only way you will find this out is by leaving and standing up for what you believe in. If he does say he loves you well he will distance himself from this loser or he will lose you. Some choices are hard to make but if he wants to spend his lonely nights taking crap he can hand with his mate and he will find out what his lost...

[Secret_J]

But if it were the other way, wouldn't he say as a defense "don't let a girl come between your friendship?" and in return he would have sacrificed his long term relationship of his friend who he has known for years to be with me? I am NOT the type of person to break up two friends. That's not my character. But I am not the type of person to let anyone just take advantage of me and for that person to get away with it either, this is why it's so hard. The hardest situation I have ever dealt with emotionally.

My boyfriend is NOT a bad person. Though sometimes I do think he takes me for granted, he has supported me and backed me up in other situations, it's just not this one. He has sacrificed in other ways, just not this one.

I chose to give in, because I was willing to make the sacrifice for love but I keep on wondering why he wouldn't do the same for me. And when I asked the question, “if anyone else did what your friend did to me, would you have acted the same way?” And he answered, “of course not, if it were someone I didn't know that well, I would get really passionate about it.”

I guess when it comes to this friend, he's allowed to do whatever he wants, when he wants. I use to believe that my boyfriend would love me and protect me through thick and thin and would “have my back” regardless of the situation, I don't think that way anymore. It's hard for a woman to not have that 100% support coming from the person she loves. Even just writing about it makes me so sad and can't help getting teary-eyed. It's not even so much of what his friend did to me, but I feel a sense of loss in myself and in the person who I thought would completely love me no matter what, whether it may not be that way at all.

Would you give up a life long friendship with a friend if he hurt your partner financially and emotionally?

Would you break up a friendship that you know has a solid history?

Would you give up what you believe in for love?

[talaniman]

Would you give up a life long friendship with a friend if he hurt your partner financially and emotionally?
You doggone right, if you hurt my woman you hurt me. Plain and simple.

Would you break up a friendship that you know has a solid history?
My committed relationship comes before all my friendships, and my friends know that.


Would you give up what you believe in for love?

Hell no. And there ain't that mch love in the world to make me betray myself, and for the record I've been married 33 years!

[Emland]

His relationship with his friend is more important than his relationship with you. Sorry to be blunt, but your description of the situation makes it obvious.

If my best friend swindled anyone out of their money (regardless if they were my partner or not) they would cease to be my friend. His friend's character says a great deal about him, too.

Since he has no problem with how you were treated and is contemplating returning to a druggie lifestyle, I would recommend you break it off immediately. Nothing good will come of your relationship.

[talaniman]

I think you may have to redefine the boundaries and the whole purpose of this relationship. If the well being of his friend is a higher piority than your needs, then what are you even doing there, and making excuses for bad treatment to boot. That ain't love my dear. It's a very dangerous compromise that will end in you losing yourself, and what you believe. Does that sound like a healthy love?

[Secret_J]

Wouldn't that be selfish of me though? It's like saying, "Either you choose me or choose your friend?"

Isn't giving an ultimatum in a relationship considered wrong?

[Emland]

If it were a jealousy of how much time he is spending with one versus the other, maybe.

It isn't selfish when you demand for him to choose between a druggie thief or his girlfriend. You are giving him a wakeup call. If he doesn't answer it - walk away.

[Secret_J]

It's harder said than done, and I know that all of you have had similar experiences when you knew you had to let someone go but you still tried to keep it going. I know the “smart” decision is to let him go, for myself, for my morals and my principles. I know that I should have my partner back me up at 100% if he really truly does love me, he'd be there no matter what. BUT my heart can't let go of him.

[playful child]

Don't give in you should tell him your feelings if he doesn't understand then he's just using you or something he doesn't treasure you like your a queen does he anyway if you believe that you have the will power you'll tell him something but even if you do break-up with him he probably won't even mind it but itsurrelationship not mine I'm here for advice that's all.

[talaniman]

BUT my heart can't let go of him.

Don't let your heart lead you to disaster, chaos, misery and pain. Love is not letting some one tear down who you are. What sense does that make. Drop the excuses and save yourself the heartbreak that surely comes with losing ones self.

[Secret_J]

Today was a much better day for me and I'm starting to get an appetite again. My smile is slowly coming back.

My partner and I seem better since our long talk last night. He agreed with me in taking some time to rebuild our relationship with no contact with his friend and no distractions. He said that he truly loves me, and is willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I mentioned to him that my security factor with him is at a low point right now, and truthfully am very afraid if a situation like this happened again, what would be the result of it. He said that I didn't need to worry about that because this would never happen for the second time.

He saw me go on this forum, and asked what it was. I told him the truth about it and he wanted to know the replies that were said. I was hesitant at first but I basically told him what everyone pointed out on here, and he got quiet. I didn't really know what to make of it but I'm with this man because I love him, and I do know him well enough that the way he looked last night, he had to feel some sort of regret that he was putting me through all this and I really do believe that.

So I guess from this point forward, we'll just see where it goes. I still don't know what the outcome of our rebuilding cycle will be, if he's going to remain in contact with the “druggie thief”, limit his communication with him, or totally disregard him from our lives. Of course I prefer the 3rd option but for right now, I'm just going to not even think about him, concentrate on “us” and enjoy each other.

We're planning on going out of town this weekend and I'm looking forward to it. I'll give you all updates as time progresses.