[whatishethinking]

I am married, but deeply in love with another man. I am 42 years old and I have known him for 30 years. He, my husband, and myself all went to high school together. I have always been attracted to him and we dated for several months when we were 20 years old. We were very attracted to one another and we were intimate with one another, but we never had sex. He was out of town for several years and that is when I started to date his friend who eventually became my husband. He moved back to the area and he also married. We both had children. The four of us were all friends and our children played together. He and his wife divorced. He, my husband, and I remained friends. He began dating a younger woman and an unplanned pregnancy was the result. Their relationship is terrible, but he and she are living together and raising their child. I have not been happy in my marriage for years, but have stayed for the children. He and I would talk to one another when things were difficult in our relationships. We have always been able to talk about anything with one another. We became involved in an emotional relationship and I fell in love with him and I had suspicions that he felt the same way. It was killing me not to tell him and apparently it was the same for him. We began to flirt. A couple of months ago, he told me that he loved me and that he was in love with me. I also confessed my feelings for him. We talked about how we thought about each other and longed for one another. We talked about our feelings and wondered what we were going to do with this mess. We both knew that what was happening was wrong because of our involvement with others, but felt too strongly about one another. He would say who knows what the future holds. There was a lot of sexual tension between the two of us but we knew if we took it any further things would never be the same. Just recently, the two of us were intimate, but just like 20 years ago, we did not have sex. Things have changed. We spoke the day after this happened and he said I told you that would make things weird. Then we spoke on the phone and he seemed distant. I phoned him several times and he did not return my calls. I stopped at his place the other evening when I knew his girlfriend was not there. He invited me in, but we did not discuss what had happened or what was happening with us. He told me his girlfriend did not want me to have any contact with him. I can't help but think he is using this as an excuse. I feel like he is shutting me out and this is killing me. I think I deserve some sort of explanation about what he is feeling or thinking and he is not giving me this. I thought of writing him a letter, but I threw it away. Am I wrong for wanting closure?

[tigeranimatio]

What is he thinking? Probably the exact opposite of what you're saying.

I understand thoroughly how strong emotions are. How you think that's what matters. In some cases, that can be reason enough to act.

However, this man is obviously feeling guilty, for a variety of reasons. Given that you are each in relationships, you are both guilty of cheating. And not only has he encouraged that in your life, but your husband is his friend, and he has to try and keep that from him.

Oftentimes cheating occurs because of the strength of temptation, but honestly the weight of guilt can last much, much longer.

If you don't feel this guilt, and sincere regret for what you have done, my advice is to admit what you have done to your husband, and leave him. If you are feeling regret as well, you can apologize and pray for his forgiveness, but there is no excuse for lying to someone you've sworn to be with forever.

This other guy is dealing with things himself. You cannot let his actions guide you, as this is a strong sign of codependence, which isn't healthy ESPECIALLY considering he's not your partner. Take a deep breath, realize what you've done, and move forward.

I have been through a similar situation. I hope I don't sound condemning; I just know that my experience told me the more quick you face the problem, the more quick you can sleep at night. Good luck!

[amIwrong]

I am married, but deeply in love with another man. I am 42 years old and I have known him for 30 years. He, my husband, and myself all went to high school together. I have always been attracted to him and we dated for several months when we were 20 years old. We were very attracted to one another and we were intimate with one another, but we never had sex. He was out of town for several years and that is when I started to date his friend who eventually became my husband. He moved back to the area and he also married. We both had children. The four of us were all friends and our children played together. He and his wife divorced. He, my husband, and I remained friends. He began dating a younger woman and an unplanned pregnancy was the result. Their relationship is terrible, but he and she are living together and raising their child. I have not been happy in my marriage for years, but have stayed for the children. He and I would talk to one another when things were difficult in our relationships. We have always been able to talk about anything with one another. We became involved in an emotional relationship and I fell in love with him and I had suspicions that he felt the same way. It was killing me not to tell him and apparently it was the same for him. We began to flirt. A couple of months ago, he told me that he loved me and that he was in love with me. I also confessed my feelings for him. We talked about how we thought about each other and longed for one another. We talked about our feelings and wondered what we were going to do with this mess. We both knew that what was happening was wrong because of our involvement with others, but felt too strongly about one another. He would say who knows what the future holds. There was a lot of sexual tension between the two of us but we knew if we took it any further things would never be the same. Just recently, the two of us were intimate, but just like 20 years ago, we did not have sex. Things have changed. We spoke the day after this happened and he said I told you that would make things weird. Then we spoke on the phone and he seemed distant. I phoned him several times and he did not return my calls. I stopped at his place the other evening when I knew his girlfriend was not there. He invited me in, but we did not discuss what had happened or what was happening with us. He told me his girlfriend did not want me to have any contact with him. I can't help but think he is using this as an excuse. I feel like he is shutting me out and this is killing me. I think I deserve some sort of explanation about what he is feeling or thinking and he is not giving me this. I thought of writing him a letter, but I threw it away. Am I wrong for wanting closure?

I am in a bazaar and similar kind of situation though not the same. What I tell meself is that:
1. I don't deserve closure ( I don't guess) since there was a form of a relationship, but not an actual relationship were both people actually have something invested.
2. He may have distanced himself, it may have nothing to do with you. It maybe that he is trying to do what he thinks is right, even though there is no clear right or wrong.
3. How can you deserve anything, dosen't your husband deserve the same?
(I am not trying to be hard on you, these are the thoughts that go through my mind pertaining to me and I am sharing)
4. You can not know what would have happened had both of you doen it properly, letting your significant other know, and separate or divorce, and then go from there. It may or may not have worked out. Doing it this way makes you into something else. It makes you into a liar if you don't disclose what's going on to your significant other.
5. Now what, if he is not part of your life at all, what are you going to do about your marriage? That's an important question. Are you going to stay just because you don't have something better to on to? Just because you have invested too much in your marriage, and if that is the case is it not enough to have kept you from emotinoally cheating?
6. Do you plan to tell your husband and let him decide what he does are does not want to be apart of?
7. Do you still love your husband?
8. Is it possible that caring for this man, and him being away (when you were 20) made you lonely and so you moved on, then in your marriage now you find that you are lonely again and found a "band aid" for that.
9. Is it possible that you may miss this man, but mostly miss the "band aid", the fantasy, the excitement, the small moments of thinking someone somewhere desires you like you long for?
10. Are you happy with yourself? Do you have any regrets?

I am not judging you, like I said these are questions I ask of myself. I doubt I have any concrete advice. I have gone to a therapist, perhaps you should consider the same. The reason, obviously there is a lot of mixed up emotions and at the very least you want to preserve your privacy. Seeing someone could help you sort that out. Regardless of your marriage, you have to get clarity for yourself. Don't ask why he left, ask what brought you to together and if that was valid.