[Lacey5765]

Need help in knowing how to deal with this situation. My 19 yo daughter is in college and dating a boy of another religion. We have raised her in the Mormon faith and she has always been very active in her faith never has she doubted her testimony. Her boyfriend asked her some difficult doctrinal questions and gave her anti mormon literature to read. She now is questioning all of her beliefs including the Bible. She is consumed by this boyfriend and hopes to marry him in the future. This is the only boy she has ever dated and even if he had been the same religion I would not feel that they are right for each other. I am concerned that she is willing to give up everything she has known and her support group in college for this boy. She has attended church 3 days per week while in school. I am angry with him and don't know how to feel towards her. She is coming home next week and I don't know how to handle this situation. I will be seeing them both all summer as she will live at home and he lives in our home town. I know she is an adult but I feel she is making decisions based on pleasing him and not for the right reasons. Please help!

[NeedKarma]

At 19 she is an adult now and has the ability to question things. We can't tell by your post if the boy is a bad person or if you just don't like him.

[Lacey5765]

He is a good person and I don't really dislike him. I feel that he was disrespectful to challenge our beliefs and suggest that she read material that was speaking badly of her beliefs. I just concerned that neitherof them have been in a relationship before and don't really know what they need in a partner yet.

[Tuscany]

At 19 she is an adult now and can make up her own mind as to her faith. It is also common for young adults to venture outside of their comfort zone to explore new ideas, places, values. This could be the case for her. But, this does not mean that this is a permanent change.

I really cannot comment on the boy. He could be a very nice young man.

He is a good person and I don't really dislike him. I feel that he was disrespectful to challenge our beliefs and suggest that she read material that was speaking badly of her beliefs. I just concerned that neitherof them have been in a relationship before and don't really know what they need in a partner yet.

How do you know that she did not ask for the literature?
Part of growing up is figuring out what you need in a partner. In order to do that you need to date and find out what you like what you don't like, what values are important to you etc. Just because they are seeing each other does not mean that they will definitely marry sometime down the road.

[NeedKarma]

Personally I'm a big fan of marrying a little later in life so that you have a good idea of what a compatible mate is for you. I agree with you there. I don't care much for organized religion but I do believe that if one is involved with it it should be of their own free will, not because someone else wants them to.

[alkalineangel]

I actually think it is important for people to explore other faiths, read about them and come to their own decisions. I have done extensive research on many religions, and found my place with the same religion I was raised in, but that was of my own choosing. I wouldn't necessarily go as far as to say that this boy is the one who stemmed her doubts, she could have already shown doubts, and he suggested additional reading. I think what is important is that you support your daughter in her decisions and pray for her, and then respect her decision whether you believe it is right or not, but not push her in one direction or the other. Ultimately it is her decision. We give our children as much advice and education as we can, but we need to eventually let them go and let them choose their own place. Good luck.

[Fr_Chuck]

It is sad that someone can have so much "hate" against what someone believes to give them those silly anti mormon matierials, I have seen a lot of things written by chick and other hate groups such as theirs.

I don't understand why he can not merely accept her for being a christian of another denomination. This young man has some serious christianity issues hisself, and sadly she is too love blind to deal with it.

He is already trying to change your daughter into what he wants, not accept and love her for who she is.

In the end it is her choice and one she may end up regretting, as I am sure more and more changes to mold her in his image of a perfect girlfriend is coming.

I would say if she has questions on her faith, introduce her to people that can give her those answers, show her how the material she was given is nothing more than hate against other Chrsitians.
I have little pity for those groups that attack other Christians denominatinos just because they do not practice all of the same things or worship a little different. * by the way those same hate groups that attack mormoms also attack catholics so you are not alone

[Lacey5765]

Thank you all for your comments and support. Prayerfully we will get through this.

[RubyPitbull]

Lacey, you have been given some wonderful advice here. I will go one step further. Is there someone in your Church that your daughter admires and respects? It would be beneficial for you to speak with that person. The last thing you want to do is, as the parent, try to dissuade your daughter. Even though she is an adult at 19, she is still your teenage child and may go in the exact opposite direction of what you desire if you push her too hard. Find a way for her to reconnect with someone at your Church that she admires. Let that person be the guide to her.

Even though the boy lives in the same town, find as many fun family and Church outings as possible to take your daughter to this summer. Find as tactful a way as you can to leave him uninvited. She needs to be shown that questioning her community and the strong bonds that it brings, will be a monumental loss to her if she chooses to follow her boyfriend's religion.

I agree with Fr Chuck that to minimize a different religion, is a way for the boyfriend to control. If there is true love, one does not try to change the other person and make them into something they are not. I think a bit of separation from him might be in order, but it has to be done in a nonconfrontational and subtle way so it is not apparent to her what is being done. She needs to spend time with her family and friends as much as possible to realize what she would be giving up. She needs reaffirmation of her faith in as positive, nonconfrontal, nonjudgemental way as possible. The intent, and hopefully the result, will show her that what her boyfriend is doing IS judgemental, and that he is telling her that he does not accept her as she is, and does not accept her family and friends.

[Lacey5765]

Thanks so much! I was thinking the same thing but I am not sure how to "uninvite him". Generally when she is home he is at our home or if we try to do something together as a family she always asks if he can come along. How do I say "no" without obviously excluding him? I don't want to push her further towards him. Honestly right now I don't want him in our home right now. I am still angry. How do I respect her need for independence and her right to regain her testimony without letting her making choices for the wrong reason?

[RubyPitbull]

How many other family members do you have living with you? Does she have brothers, sisters, grandparents? Whichever ones you have the best relationship with and feel the same way as you do, are the ones you should have a private discussion with. If a grandparent or a sibling is the one to plan the family outing and "suggest" just family, she might be more amenable to it. Also, you may just want to discuss this with a church elder that you and your husband respect. I am sure they have dealt with this before. This person, or other parents who have gone through this, may have some additional ideas as to how to "positively manipulate" this situation.

I think planning as many church family functions as possible this summer will be extremely helpful. Especially if you have people that she admires and respects within the church become involved in this. The more you allow your church family to help, the better. This boy won't want to go to church functions. And, if he does, this is an excellent opportunity to show him what The Mormon Church is really about and dispel the propaganda he has been spouting.

[Lacey5765]

Great ideas. She is the oldest of 4. I am working on planning some activities now! I just hope that she doesn't use "I am an adult now" excuse not to attend. She did promise in an earlier discussion that she would go to church when she was home so that she did not negatively influence her siblings. Do you think it is wise to express my feelings toward him? I feel like I want to tell him that I am hurt by his actions and at this time can't be around him at this time. Also that I will work to get over those feelings out of respect for my daughter. Are 17 yo boys able to comprehend a mothers love?

[RubyPitbull]

No. 17 year old boys don't have clue except what their hormones are telling them! He cannot relate to how a mother feels until he has children of his own.

I know this is hard for you but you need to be as "nice and as sweet as pie" to him. Do not do anything that might undermine your daughter from participating in the activities that other friends and family members "set up." You need to act like everything is wonderful and these activities are not your idea but that you are just going along with them. It will be the only chance you have at getting your daughter to make the right decisions and will allow her to feel that they are her decisions. As I said, I suspect the BF will opt out on all these Church activities. But, if he doesn't, everyone needs to kill him with kindness and show him that what he has been taught about the Mormon Church is untrue. If this is handled right, you may find that he will be open to listening and may just get a clue as to how unfair he has been to your family.

[NeedKarma]

I just hope that she doesn't use "I am an adult now" excuse not to attend.

But she is an adult and has that right. No one should be dragged against their will anywhere.

[RubyPitbull]

The best way to work at getting over this is to rely on your family and friends within the Church for. I am not a Mormon but I know how wonderful a support network they can be. You have to actively try to hide your true feelings about this. Get everyone else, other than her parents, to extend the invites. She won't be so resistant if she feels that people just want to do activities with her and it isn't just her parents pushing her into this.

You are right NeedKarma but it is appears that the BF is controlling her. She will not be dragged. She will be a willing participant if this is handled correctly. In the end, it will ultimately be the daughter's decision.

[NeedKarma]

Yet the mormons show up at my house wanting me to "discuss" my faith (i.e. convert me) and that's OK? You can't have it one way and not the other.

[TheSavage]

O my -- your child is starting to find her own way in life. Isn't that what you really wanted?

she doubted her testimony" -- Of course she had not -- was she ever exposed to other thoughts at all outside your beliefs?
What your dealing with is a adult that's finding HER own way. Your path might not be what turns out to be the right path for her. -- Savage

[RubyPitbull]

NK, I don't think it is fair for you to equate your situation with theirs.

We can only go by what Lacy is telling us. She is looking for help in a situation where, up until this boy showed up, there wasn't a problem He is handing the daughter anti Mormon literature. We don't know what denomination he is. Maybe he is a fundamentalist. Maybe something else. But, the fact that he seems to be trying to actively convert her away from her faith is problematic in my mind. How much control is he instilling over her? Will he convince her to separate herself from her family and friends? If he is successful, where will she find herself? Cut off from those she loves?

Obviously, she will make her own decisions in the end. But, if he is actively controlling her, the family needs to act and not sit idly by. And they need to do it in a way in which they aren't judging or being reactive, just reminding her of her values and the closeness that they share. I don't see it as being a problem for them to attempt this. All they can do is try.

Now, now Savage my dear. No need for sarcasm. Yes, it is very possible that this girl may turn away from her Church. But Lacy is looking for help, not criticism. I don't see how making an attempt this summer, without putting undue pressure on her daughter, will hurt anything.

[NeedKarma]

I think a lot of assumptions have been made here. It would be nice to hear from the boy's side or the daughter herself before Fr. Chuck starts labelling him as full of hate like he did.

[RubyPitbull]

Well, in a perfect world, that would be nice. But, it is the mother that is posting and looking for constructive help. If the daughter or the BF posted, we would be advising them. Possibly in a completely different way. We can only go by what is being told to us and even though Lacy admits she is angry, I don't really read that in her postings here. I find her to be quite logical and a very nice woman who is very concerned about her daughter. So, why not offer constructive advice? In the end, if she handles herself without losing her temper or trying to be forceful with her daughter or the BF, at least she knows that she tried her best. If her daughter does choose to move away from her faith, hopefully, she will know that the door will always be open to her and that she will not lose the love and support of her family. To me, that is the most important factor here.