[saJoshua]

My father committed suicide the day after my 5th birthday. He was in jail for robbing banks and he hanged himself. My mother never remarried.

My sister gassed herself in her car when I was 21, on the day after her 25th birthday. She was 3 1/2 years older than me.

My brother was shot dead in a hijacking in December last year.

There is only my mother and me left, but I was married in February this year. We're expecting a baby boy.

Ever since my brother died, I have really lost the will to live. It's real deep down. I'm very affectionate towards my wife and we regularly go to therapy together to strengthen our relationship.

I'm a certified genius and a member of mensa. I have a great job and I'm healthy. Everything is actually fine, but I wish that it had been me that died on one of those days.

I grew up so ashamed of not being able to say "my dad is a ..." or "I had a great fishing trip with him", then a lot of my 20s just never getting over my sister's death. My brother meant the world to me and I was trying so hard to help him be successful. I bought him the car that he was shot in, only a month before the incident. I hadn't seen him in 2 years and was going to see him the weekend after.

I don't really expect an answer, I just wanted to get some of the feelings inside me out in words. I'm just going to keeping plodding on. I'm sure it's all going to be fine tomorrow.

[curlybenswife]

You know what I really think you should turn the negative into a positive, you now have a job to your wife and your unborn child soon to change your world in the most amazing way that I can say, you have to make that baby's life perfect in everyway and give him all you didn't get its time to turn everything around and look forward you have had a hell of a ride but now its your time.
The day your son is born your heart will melt and everything in the world as you see it now will change keep strong your going to make a great daddy.

[Bluerose]

saJoshua,

I know you were not really asking a question or looking for advice but if I may…

I do sympathise because my dad committed suicide when I was 19.

It was tough for some time but I decided to work on my own recovery, and simply refused to go down that road.

I got married, I loved my guy - he helped me a lot with my recovery - but it wasn’t until my first child was born and was in my arms that I really knew love. My life didn’t change over night but I felt like I had awoken from a deep sleep and a seed had been sown it just needed time to grow.

I brought up three children and have four grandchildren.

Even if you stick around and simply dedicate your life to your children and their children, giving them a better start and making things better for them, it makes it all worth while.

You have been through some traumatic stuff and I would like to suggest that you talk to a therapist who might be able to help you deal with the memories of all that has happened.

I know you don’t want your child to go through what you did because that’s what kept me going until I got strong enough to deal with all my feelings and emotions.
Recovery can be slow but if you are willing to put your body, mind and soul into it for the sake of your lovely wife and beautiful child, the future will begin to look much brighter.

[ordinaryguy]

Yes, suicide is an option--a very bad one. Having lived through your father's and your sister's suicide, you know first-hand how bad it is. It is a perfectly selfish act. It is terribly cruel to do that to those who care about you. Your life has been unfair, and you have some awful burdens to bear. Your grief over the loss of your brother is a huge one, and you need to pace yourself for a long process. Coming on top of the grief over your sister and father, I can see how it may often seem to be more than you can do to bear it. But for the sake of your wife, your child, your mother, and all others who care for you, you just have to do it. There is no way to make it easy, but it is possible by taking one day at a time, and as you say "keep plodding on". I truly feel for you, and wish you all possible comfort and strength to do what you must. Courage, friend.

[krittengirl]

You said that you go with your wife for relationship counseling, but are you going to a therapist on your own for your suicidal thoughts? While the relationship therapist may be a good counselor, you need some one on one time with a counselor. Also make sure you keep the phone number of a crisis intervention center on you at all times (maybe in your wallet). Have you ever gone to a psycologist to see if you have a disorder that can be helped with meds. It is somewhat common for a person with an "imbalance in their mind" to be extremely intelligent. Don't just leave things how they are. Go for help now while you have the strength to do it. You may not have that strength if you wait for a particularly low time.

[saJoshua]

Well, thanks for all the answers to my post. I am grateful for your thoughts on this.

I can appreciate that when my son is born, it will make all the difference. I also know that my mother must be feeling just as shattered, if not more so and if anything had to happen to me, it would certainly push her over the edge.

Thank you bluerose for sharing about your dad. I also refuse to go down that road. To be more specific, it's not killing myself that I would like, I would just like to stop living. It's as ridiculous as trying to kill oneself by holding ones own breath. I also struggle a lot with thoughts about heaven & hell. Most of my immediate family believed in other religions than christianity. Will suicide condemn them to hell or purgatory for ever? What about my brother that died before making a strong decision about God.. Well as far as I know.

I know that hopelessness is like a rot. It won't strike quickly, but one day, everything about me will be affected. That's what I feel in any case. My brother was the one person that went through a lot of the sh!+ that I did when growing up and I'm still dealing with some of it. I wanted the best for him and he wanted to live. He wasn't suicidal.

As ordinary guy says.. I'll just keep plodding on. I feel like the greatest tornado has torn through my life and that I have lost everything, but if I just plant a daisy here and there, and fix up one thing here and there, it will make a difference. If I keep going to church and continue to love my wife and family, although I don't know where my heart is and it feels like it's been ripped out, I can't help but be positively affected.

krittengirl, I am fortunate to have a really great therapist. She is very equipped to council me in my extraordinary situation. I'm strongly considering making additional sessions to discuss my heartache. I know that she will help me to equip myself with positive steps to cope and make the most of this difficult time.

Again, thank you all for your comments. The caring helps and means a lot to me personally.

Joshua

[ordinaryguy]

Joshua--

My hat is off and my head is bowed in respect to you, my friend. You are bearing multiple burdens that would utterly break most people, and you are doing it with a grace and wisdom that eludes many whose burdens are far lighter.

You are right, hopelessness is a rot, but rot has its place, and you have lots of waste material that needs breaking down into useful fertile soil. It is not glamorous work, and very few understand its importance, or its rewards, but they are real and rich, even when unrecognized.

The finest fruit of this soil is wisdom, rooted in humility and compassion. What you are doing is meaningful, valuable work. The herculean effort involved is not wasted. You are making something good out of something bad. I'd even go so far as to say that this is God's work on earth. Take heart.

[Rockabilly1955mama]

Joshua--

My hat is off and my head is bowed in respect to you, my friend. You are bearing multiple burdens that would utterly break most people, and you are doing it with a grace and wisdom that eludes many whose burdens are far lighter.

You are right, hopelessness is a rot, but rot has its place, and you have lots of waste material that needs breaking down into useful fertile soil. It is not glamorous work, and very few understand its importance, or its rewards, but they are real and rich, even when unrecognized.

The finest fruit of this soil is wisdom, rooted in humility and compassion. What you are doing is meaningful, valuable work. The herculean effort involved is not wasted. You are making something good out of something bad. I'd even go so far as to say that this is God's work on earth. Take heart.

Very good answer

[misslala]

Joshua-I have to tell you, I am surprised at your take on everything... and I promise you that although the birth of your child will not give you answers, it will give you hope and strength that you never knew you had. There isn't any advice to give, and obviously nothing that you don't already know. I'm glad that you're in therapy, and your wife sounds like a wonderful support partner. I'm sorry for your pain and loss, it seems unfathomable to me, but although this may not mean anything at the moment, know that God will see you through. Never give up! All that is left for me to say is good luck, God bless you and your family, and know that there are people saying little prayers for you... even if you don't know them!

[louie1]

They would want you to enjoy and achieve what they did not have the opportunity to.

Be strong and show them what you can do !

[Bluerose]

saJoshua,

When is the baby due?

How you feeling today?

[lfsxthnudie]

Don't do that to your son. And your mom- after all that she's been through you'd be that selfish? You need to talk to your therapist and get some medication. Lexapro, Wellbutrin... there are lots, but you shouldn't be having thoughts of death. If you are on meds now, call your doctor now, you're on the wrong one. Smile.

[saJoshua]

saJoshua,

When is the baby due?

How you feeling today?

Hi Rose,

Thanks for asking. Jordan Alexander is due on 07 July. It's quite exciting and I am enjoying feeling the baby grow in my wife's belly. She says it gets very active when I rub her belly, but not so much when the people at her work try get a kick.. :)

Yesterday was a good day. 50% of my salary is determined from deliverables, so you can imagine how rewarding getting 100% on my review is. I had several distinct emotions yesterday. Determination before, then elation after my review. In the afternoon, I got busy posting on my brother's site & that evoked torn grief & intense sorrow. I spent the evening with my wife. We've just moved to a new apartment & I spent some time unpacking some boxes in the spare room. It was very satisfying to busy myself with a necessary practical task with such a visually pleasing result.

I don't know yet how to make the best out of my brother's passing, except to be utterly pragmatic. It can be said that his timing was perfect. Whatever he was in this world to do, he did. I appreciated our friendship and helping him seemed intrinsic to my success in life, but now that I don't have that burden to bear, it's as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I want to remember every single moment I spent with him. I want to capture the fleeting memories in a box that I can open whenever I want to remember him. However, such an obsession may not be positive in the long term and perhaps such a tight grip would cause that part of my heart and mind to grow stale. I think of tasting the most delicious flavour and not wanting to open my mouth ever again or swallow in fear of losing some of it's essence. That would be a dreadful restriction of natural experience. What of flavours to be found tomorrow? What of family and lives that will touch and be touched by my life tomorrow?

The title of this thread seems more and more strange, almost melodramatic. Know that the replies I've had are valuable to me.

Joshua

[curlybenswife]

I just wanted to send you a big hug Joshua you are obviously quite a special man to have gone through what you have and still be standing.
July 7th isn't that far away it will fly by and you will be holding the little man in your arms its an amazing feeling.
I actually think a box of memories would be wonderful it would be something to share with Jordan when he is older then you can tell him all about the people you have lost in your life.
Xxxxx Laura

[Bluerose]

Joshua,

Wow! What a difference. So upbeat, so positive. It's only natural that you will still feel sad, and very sad from time to time as the waves of grief wash over you. You sound like you have a handle on it though. Good for you.

Jordan Alexander, what a beautiful name. I can just imagine the excitement and the planning that is going on. For both of you, feeling the baby move inside, makes it all the more real. And he will be here very soon.

Glad to hear that yesterday was a good day for you. I wish you many, many more. I popped over to your brother's site and left a message. Do you have a site of your own? I did something else while I was visiting there yesterday, I started one! Pop over and take a look if you like. I'm only just getting the hang of it so don't expect anything too amazing just yet. lol

The Rose Files

I understand how painful it must be while reading your brother's site but staying away won't really help. Grief has a course to run and it must be allowed to run that course - no matter how long it takes. We seem to cope better once we accept that.

You say you have just moved? That wouldn't have been stress free. Moving house is very stressful. But it's time to relax now, and you best do that while you have the chance... Cause when that baby comes, you won't remember what sleep was let alone what relaxing means. But take heart that just lasts for the first few months. lol

Keeping your mind on the lessons you taught each other will lift your heart. And remembering him through creating a box of memories need not become an obsession.

My only granddaughter died. My baby's baby died. my daughter dealt with it in her way and me in mine. She chatted on the net to other mothers, gathered poetry and pictures, the result of which is a beautiful photo album book which she decorated herself, that she can bring out and show anyone she wishes to share the memories with. Or simply sit with it on her own and shed a tear or two. Such beautiful poetry and song lyrics.

I began to collect teddy bears and small porcelain figures. My daughter also collects angels, and is often given one in memory of Jessica Rose. We share these things with each other, our friends and the rest of the family.

We also deliberately share smiles whenever her name comes up - which is quite often cause she has a big brother who misses her and likes to say her name - and because we know that is what would make her happy. She doesn't want to see us all sad and unhappy. And neither does your brother want to see you sad and unhappy. Build your memories, tell your stories, shed a tear - but smile too. Cause I believe that's what they want to see.

Take care.

Rose

[JakeDD]

My father committed suicide the day after my 5th birthday. He was in jail for robbing banks and he hanged himself. My mother never remarried.

My sister gassed herself in her car when I was 21, on the day after her 25th birthday. She was 3 1/2 years older than me.

My brother was shot dead in a hijacking in December last year.

There is only my mother and me left, but I was married in February this year. We're expecting a baby boy.

Ever since my brother died, I have really lost the will to live. It's real deep down. I'm very affectionate towards my wife and we regularly go to therapy together to strengthen our relationship.

I'm a certified genius and a member of mensa. I have a great job and I'm healthy. Everything is actually fine, but I wish that it had been me that died on one of those days.

I grew up so ashamed of not being able to say "my dad is a ..." or "I had a great fishing trip with him", then a lot of my 20s just never getting over my sister's death. My brother meant the world to me and I was trying so hard to help him be successful. I bought him the car that he was shot in, only a month before the incident. I hadn't seen him in 2 years and was going to see him the weekend after.

I don't really expect an answer, I just wanted to get some of the feelings inside me out in words. I'm just going to keeping plodding on. I'm sure it's all going to be fine tomorrow.

I am someone who has considered suicide for years and I can tell you that it is a decision.

Anytime we are in the position of making a decision, we confront ourselves with the future outcome of each path in front of us. One path may be short with huge consequences later on and the other path may be more difficult with very little consequences. Generally we're taught to make the decisions that will give us the best life in the end instead of splurging and doing whatever feels right at the time. The sick part of society defies that thinking IMO.

Suicide is one of those complicated things for the other people in our lives. It allows the individual to escape huge problems with no personal consequence. When there are people around who would deeply suffer from that person's decision to commit suicide, there is selfishness involved. They put their need to escape over the feelings of the people who care for them when they ended their life.

A lot of people say "Oh, their pain must have distorted their thinking". Depression absolutely can make the decision making harder to weigh what's important, but it's still a choice. It's a test of strength for those who are willing to believe that some things in this world are worthwhile.

Honestly, I am 26 and I don't see a single good thing coming out of my life except pain and dissatisfaction. I love the people around me, but I take them for granted and force myself to be around them and act like I feel anything.. Still, I wouldn't do anything like that until my parents pass away and I could separate from my significant other. That won't be anytime soon though, so I'm going to make it the best I can for them until then.

If your Dad didn't love you enough to resist his feelings, that's not a Dad that's worth missing In my opinion. My Dad had the capacity to build me up and act like a father, but he watched TV and ignored me my entire life instead. Now I barely even talk to him. My Mom treated me like a husband growing up by loading me up with all the burdens. She blamed me for everything at the age of 9, including finances and living situation. She always threatened to commit suicide because her boyfriends would break up with her and would make me cry for hours, then try to offer me motherly comfort and wisdom for my pain... I was always suffering in school as a result of my personal stress and dropped out at the age of 14.

My point: most peoples' parents are pretty jacked and many of us suffer deeply. You are not alone.

[Bestsinger101]

Hi Joshua

I am new to this and saw your 'thoughts'.

I can appreciate and have an understanding of your feelings very much, my father died when I was 8, my sister took her own life when I was 19 and I lost my partner through a bike accident 18 months later.

My sister was my best friend in the world, we shared a house together for a while so I needless to say numb.

My mother was devastated so I was the only one left to be strong and I have carried on that trait, to I guess, my detriment. It has slowly got worse and I often wish I would not wake up, not through my own hand but just 'slip away'.

A good few years on and I am married now. I have always been a level headed person who people seem to rely on in a problem or a crisis but my thoughts are still with me, I often try and take a look outside of myself and live up to what people see and expect of me.

A few years ago I miscarried and we seem not to be able to have children after many operations etc. I always thought my perspective would change on having children but its is not to be.

I wish you every success and do hope you find some respite from your darker thoughts and that your child will bring you some if not all of the happiness that you deserve and so wish for.

[Markmackhoppis]

I'm a certified genius and a member of mensa.

Well, if you are a certified genius, then you would have at least read Kant and know you have a moral imperative to take care of your son ere you leave this life.

For you and your family suicide is easier than most, and that is a good quality and also a bad quality. Your Western religion will make it difficult for you to kill yourself - you'll supposedly go to hell which is utter nonsense. You won't go to hell, you'll be free.

You and your family had a gift, most of us have to sit here and suffer this life no matter how difficult it is or what disease is wrought upon us. In some societies the ability to commit suicide is a gift. You have the ability to escape whilst the rest of us do not and we can not because we are afraid of death! Because we have scruples that deal with our religion! Because we're afraid to Decompose!

Yet, you have a child. You must take care of this child, and neglect your need to terminate from this dreadful festering hole. It would be the good thing to do, not the religious thing to do, but the goof thing to do. There is no punishment for your death, you can kill yourself, but be moral about it and not so selfish.

[Wondergirl]

As a fellow Mensa member, I wish the best for you and your young family! You know you always have all of us here to give you a boost when you need one--and we will expect the same from you!

[Bestsinger101]

I'm a certified genius and a member of mensa................. be moral about it and not so selfish.

Can I ask you, have you ever lost people in these terrible circumstances?

I have had some similar experiences and I have lost an unborn child through illness and am not able to have more, but I am not judgemental.

People do those their way sometimes, we all have life experiences to tell, some people have had worse and some better but we can at least support each other when these times are upon us.

I wish you well.