[JoeCanada76]

Well the only solution to this. Is there any communicating of this possible choice to your daughter? Why not see if she understands the issue, not pulling her one way. Give her the option. See what she says. Maybe that will be the deciding factor?

Or another option is get the teacher to decide. I know not enough is given to the parents for decisions and they might have already told you it is your call. Why not leave the final decision to the teacher?

Just a couple of options that I thought of for you both to think about.

Joe

[NowWhat]

The teacher has given her recommendation. She thinks that our daughter should be held back. Not because of any other reason than our daughter is young. And she knows how we feel (or felt). She has excelled in every subject except reading this entire year. And we didn't feel that was enough to make her repeat the year. We have hired a tutor for the summer to get her caught up.
But now with the math scores on the decline and me knowing that it isn't going to get any easier - I am having second thoughts.

I have talked to her about this in casual conversation. (there are 4 kids in her class that were held back last year) And she said that she is to smart to be held back (her words) and wanted to know if one of the girls (her best friend) was dumb - was that the reason she was held back? I don't want her to think for a minute that she dumb - she isn't.

I don't think it is lack of communication on our part - we communicated very loudly tonight :). We are talking about this - but we have totally different views.

[JoeCanada76]

It sounds like the daughter wants to move forward? If that is the case. Then maybe it is a good idea to let her go forward. That is just my opinion, but it counts for nothing. You guys are her parents. Hope you react an understanding some how but yes, for sure a decision needs to be made one way or another.

[NowWhat]

I guess I keep thinking - what if we are wrong. If we go my way or his and we are wrong. (I am the worrier in this relationship.) We don't pay the price - she does. I was so sure prior to 3 weeks ago. Now, with the meeting on Friday coming, I just don't know. I don't want to make the wrong decision and there is no way of knowing until it is made.

And yes, she wants to move forward. All of her friends are - to her it is the natural order of things. I think she would be devastated to learn she had to repeat the 1st grade and I know that, so I have that playing in my head also.
AARGH! I am so confused.

[krystal1973]

Hello, You said that you were meeting with a special ed teacher. Is your child on an IEP, and what calls for the special ed teacher? I do want to mention that maybe your child is struggling a little with the stress in your family with your husband etc. You mentioned her reading was a struggle this year. Reading is the foundation of all other subjects, although most children just learn to read in the first grade. During your meeting with the teachers you need to ask some very important questions before making a decision about retaining your child. You cannot ask specifically about the other kids, but you can ask how she did in comparison to the other children, you could also ask what the SCHOOL could do to help improve her reading and what things you could do at home to help.
Tell us more does your child have an IEP in place?
Also you mentioned that your husband says there are no do overs, but he is getting a second chance at his marriage isn't he? Just sounds odd.
I personally am not for retention, but there are special circumstances,etc.

[NowWhat]

You know, I almost said that about the do over thing to him tonight - but I was mad and didn't want to make it worse.

She doesn't have an IEP in place - they doen't think she has any learning disabilities - they think she is young. The special ed teacher is just part of the team we are meeting with. She has over 30 years experience and is a wonderful teacher, so I guess she can tell us how we can effectively reach our daughter. She seems to use her environment to learn.

When he and I were in the thick of things at the beginning of the year - she had some issues at school. Mostly that if she didn't want to do something - she would tell the teacher "I'm not doing it." It went on for a month or so. We talked to her about it and she got back on track.

We have known the entire year that she was behind in her reading - she couldn't read at all in the beginning. Now she reads Level 1 and 2 books. At the end of the year, though, she should be into level 3's and there is no way she is going to get there in less than a month. (Hince the tutor)
My husband is going into this meeting with his mind made up. I was too, until 3 weeks ago. Her teacher knows this and says this is just a formality meeting - to cover the school's butt.

[Skell]

It is a tough one and clearly something that is hard to come to a compromise on with your husband if he is hell bent on her moving on.

In my opinion I think you may have to trust your teachers judgment here and think seriously about holding her back, as you obviously are, but hubby isn't.

The teacher is with her every day in her learning environment and would be the best person to make the judgment on whether she needs another year to come to grips with what she is learning.

Could the reason be that your husband won't entertain the idea of her staying back be that he see;s it as some sort of failing in him / you as parents?

You even admit that she is having problems with some aspects of her learning. They aren't going to slow down and wait for her next year either. She may fall further behind, or she may catch up.

It is obviously a tough decision for a parent and I'm sure I don't need to remind you that it should be made in the best interests of your daughter and no one else. I know you wouldn't need reminding of that NowWhat, but maybe your hubby does.

See what the meeting brings and please let us know!

[NowWhat]

Skell, You are inside my head! These are my points exactly! I don't want school to always be a struggle for her. And I think that we should see this as an opportunity to let her mature academically and once she does that - I think she is going to breeze through it. She is smart.

As strongly as I feel about this - that is how strongly he feels about it. So we are at different ends of the spectrum. And my daughter is in the middle.

It is so frustrating. We have to be united on this. At least, I think we do.

[Skell]

It is very tough. No doubt.

I think though that he is being a little more stubborn than you if he is completely dismissing what the teachers are advising.

There would be no ulterior motives behind what the teachers are advising. They don't stand to gain anything. They are only wanting what is best for your daughter.

What reasons does he have for being so stuck on her progressing?

And it is a lot better that she repeat now, than in 4 or 5 years time. That would be a very hard thing for her then compared to now I would think!

[NowWhat]

That is what I said - we can do it now and she can get her footing - or she will always be behind and struggling.

In 3rd grade the kids have to take a standardized reading test that tells the state where the kids are at. If the kids fail - the school loses funding. So - our school system has been known to hold kids back at this stage that are slow readers. In a way, the school does benefit.
He said that she needs to learn that you have to work hard to get where ever you are going in life. That you don't get do-overs. He thinks that if I work with her in the math and the tutor works in reading - she will be fine. He also doesn't think she applies herself at school. He said that if we hold her back that there will be no vacation this summer - because she shouldn't get rewarded for failing. (He was becoming a pain in my A$$) I told him he wasn't making sense and then the conversation was pretty much over.
He is set in his decision - he was before we even sat down with this.

I think he is potentially setting her up to fail by sending her on to 2nd grade. He just doesn't see it that way.

[Skell]

Well in that case maybe your husband has a point. I can see both sides. Especially with what you say about schools and funding. That a little sad to think that that MAY influence a teachers advice. But is is a big MAYBE!

Do you think that with a little tutoring and some application from your daughter she can catch up?

I still think your husband needs to consider listening to what the teachers have to say before he completely makes his mind up.

[NowWhat]

That is where I get frustrated. I am not 100% on my decision to hold her back. I HOPE the tutoring helps. I pray the tutoring helps.
3 weeks ago - he and I were together. But, because I worry about everything that involves my kid, I started having second thoughts when bad math papers started coming in. (We have not had to worry about math - our saving grace) I really just wanted to talk out my concerns - when he sort of shut me down - I got on the defensive and was kind of like - We ARE holding her back! You WILL listen to me! I know, we lost (or I did) sight of the object of conversation - our daughter!

I just want to KNOW that whatever decision is made - it's the right one for her.

[Skell]

And in the end only you can make that decision. And I'm sure it will be the correct one!

[krystal1973]

As far as being too young I do not know. My niece and my oldest son also young starters. Both have been exceptional learners and my niece was in the top 10 of her class when she graduated. My son is a straight A student, is mainstreamed, and he is deaf. So I don't know, Children are exceptionally fast learners. When my son started reading he seemed to struggle, so I went out on my own and found everything I could to help him to read. I have a Kindergarderer right now, who is an older child for his grade and he was reading by 2nd 9 weeks of school, but most children do not until Mid first grade. Maybe your daughter just has a different learning style, and maybe the teacher and her are not compatible. Well if you are definite about your plans to move south then if she were held back anyway, maybe it wouldn't hurt her to move up for the time being. If they hold her back a year in another location, then at least it will take the burnen of you deciding to hold her back or not. Just a thought.

[NowWhat]

With the moving thing - we have had our house on the market for over a year now - with no offers or anything. It feels like we are never moving. Making plans for the future are getting depressing.
My fear is that if we let her go to 2nd grade here and then sell the house 2 months into the year and then move her back to 1st - won't that do some damage?
If we kept her in 2nd when we move - it would be like letting her skip a year if you are comparing the 2 school systems. And she is behind here!

I guess I am getting frustrated with the fact that my husband is so against holding her back that he won't even listen to what I have to say. I just wish that he could say "You know, I disagree with this, but I trust you enough to let you take the lead." I wish I could hear him say that. I have stayed at home with her her entire life - trust me enough to make this decision. Don't discount what I have to say.

[talaniman]

I don't see a problem since they can have your child tested for placement and you would have a good idea of her weaknesses and strengths. The bigger issue as I see it is the instability of home, as your trying to move but she may be in school when you do. Leaving friends and familiar surroundings can retard her progress more than a school curriculum can and with the social adjustments her class work can suffer a bit. Investigate thoroughly as I think more facts are really needed for a reasonable decision can be made and see how your daughter feels about moving away from friends and having to make new ones possibly in the middle of the year. I can't see how any decision can be made without a comprehensive placement test is done.

[NowWhat]

We really thought our house would sell fast. That we could move last summer before school starts - and we hope we can move this summer before school starts. We are actually moving closer to family - so I think that will help. We are kind of hanging out here alone - just us.
She seems fine with the move - excited because she won't be "the only cousin left in Ohio". (That really bugs her)

They do these tests all the time to gauge where she is at and according to the test she is registering at 8 months into kindergarten. Now these tests are done on the computer and no one is sitting with her to make sure she really focusing. Her teacher says she is always the first one back and doesn't think she really is appling herself when it comes to this test. So, she says it is really hard to judge the true level.
But, we know and have known that she is behind on her reading. We aren't blind to that. I just think the extra time we could give her to mature would be so much better for her.

[J_9]

Sweetie, you know what my thoughts are on this, as I held my girl back in kindergarten because she was not mature enough to progress. Now she is in 7th grade and a straight A student, never has to study to earn her A's.

I atttribute this to holding her in kindergarten an extra year to give her the chance to mature.

Yes, your daughter may "catch up" during the summer with tutors and all, but you know how hard playing "catch up" is. Will she enjoy her summer? No, it will be just like school and possibly making her resent studies and have a harder time and be more reluctant next year.

Your husband says "no do overs" well, you have some good advice so far, but to get your point across, pack his bags and put them on the porch for when he gets home. Tell him that if your daughter does not have a chance to "do over" then neither does he. It is a two-way street babydoll.

Another avenue to explore would be that you and your daughter move in with family down south, leave hubby there to sell the house. That way there will be no argument about holding her back. It will just be a done deal. If he is against that then keep your realtor and you all move and sell the house empty. Many families do this all the time.

If he is against everything remind him that he made the decision to cheat and ruin your family it is your responsibility to make sure that your daughter is well taken care of and this includes her education.

Put your foot down and tell him that this is what is going to happen, he can either be with you on this or he can go back to his girly. It is well known that he has not made very wise decisions in the past, what makes him think he is making wise decisions now?

[NowWhat]

I think for us - this is a test. We have been doing really good with each other. Communicating and all. Now we have this issue that we are so different on - so how do we solve it? I don't want to go to war with him - but I don't want my daughter to suffer because I am tiptoeing around trying to avoid a fight. I want to be calm and rational. I just don't know how to do that! :)
I feel strongly about my view. He is confused because up until 3 weeks ago - we were on the same page. I was comfortable with my decision to send her on to 2nd grade. Now - I am not. And trying to talk to him when he has made up his mind is like talking to a brick wall.

[J_9]

Move to your new state and stay with relatives when school begins if the house is not sold. That way you both get your cake and get to eat it too.

She is not held back because of the deadlines imposed by that state and she gets to remain in first grade to give her a chance to mature a bit.

He can either go and let the realtors handle the sale of the house, or he can stay behind until it is sold.