What does NC achieve?

inthecrowd · Apr 20, 2007, 03:46 AM

Reading all of the posts on No Contact what does it achieve by doing it? Is it a way of healing if you have been dumped or a way of making an ex miss you?

To me No contact seems quite a stubborn way to go about it and you could possibly ruin your chances of reconcilliation by not contacting!

This could open up a backlash and a can of worms...

Jiser · Apr 20, 2007, 03:50 AM

Why re conciliate if you were dumped. In my case three times, I don't think It would work again.

Its for you to heal, by having contact with your ex your constantly brining up those past feelings. For those who can chat to them indifferently and become friends well good for them but for those who can't no contact is the best way to go so you can get some sort of life back without them constantly interfering with your growth.

Also if your ex wanted you back they would make a god dam effort I am sure. They have your numbers. Instant messaging, texts and email is a weak effort!

Allheart · Apr 20, 2007, 04:24 AM

Hi In -

I know, it is a very strange concept to digest. How can no contact get you to your hearts desire, heal your heart, fix a relationship?

There have been many good threads about this topic and I could only get my hands on two.

Basically, no contact is for you. For you to heal. This "no contact" is following a decision made by either one or both in the relationship, that either space is needed or the relationship is over.

I hope these two threads help.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ighlight=RULES

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...t-65739-2.html

diya · Apr 20, 2007, 05:59 AM

I agree NC may be important for people who need space and time to heal but I am a believer in open communication and working relations. NC can be very irritating for people who want to be forgiven by those they dump or get dumped... I personally feel , even if you have to adopt NC, at least don't go about it without letting the other person know that you do not wish to be contacted... that makes life easier for the other party...

Allheart · Apr 20, 2007, 06:05 AM

Absolutley Diya - not only does it make life easier - it is rude and hurtful not to let the other know.

talaniman · Apr 20, 2007, 07:14 AM

Originally Posted by diya

I agree NC may be important for people who need space and time to heal but I am a believer in open communication and working relations. NC can be very irritating for people who want to be forgiven by those they dump or get dumped...I personally feel , even if you have to adopt NC, atleast don't go about it without letting the other person know that you do not wish to be contacted...that makes life easier for the other party....

No Contact is for you and you only. It is to heal, and let the emotions cool down where you can move on, and is not something you announce, you just do it to cut the confusion down as you heal. These threads are full of stories where the continued contact has led to a false hope, and stopped people from accepting, and assessing the situation and moving on with their lives. When a relationship is over it takes a lot of time to switch gears from lovers to friends, and no contact gives you back the choice on your own terms. Its about taking the time to get healthy and make good decisions based on facts, and not feelings. As irratating as it may seem the emotional turmoil is more than just irratating its debilitating. No way I put the comfort of one who dumped me before my own, no matter how irratating. We can open the lines of communications when I feel better.

talaniman · Apr 20, 2007, 07:15 AM

Originally Posted by Allheart

Absolutley Diya - not only does it make life easier - it is rude and hurtful not to let the other know.

Rude and hurtfull for who??

talaniman · Apr 20, 2007, 07:22 AM

To cut confusion on this subject there is a difference between

Breaking up-End of an exclusive relationship.

A break-Changing the dynamics of the relationship

Space-Changing the dynamics, but working on the relationship

And couples need to be very clear on what they mean. But like all us poor humans, our feelings make us change our minds, and this also causes confusion.

Jiser · Apr 20, 2007, 07:22 AM

Wud give u rep there tali, I agree with that. Why should the dumper be put before u? They might have been one of the most important people in your lives, but no longer on their choice!! So away from their lives you go, to become stronger and find someone better. When your ready by all means reopen the lines of communication, but personally I believe you probably won't want to :P

diya · Apr 20, 2007, 07:26 AM

Talaniman... I respect your answers, however speaking from my personal situation and experience... when I dumped my boyfriend because I was nothing more than a fling for him... he did not question nor did he create a big hue and cry about it but was quiet for a long time.. possibly maintaining NC. He was right in doing so naturally he wanted to use me which I did not encourage... but I realized I felt miserable after that and just wanted to speak with him because I thought I hurt him... and I feel today that before dumping anyone or leading someone to dump you and adopting NC thereafter... all this do not solve an issue... because one of the parties keep flithering without proper answers. I agree with NC kind of concept but at the same time all I am trying to point at is that before you get into NC... let the other person know for sure that you DO NOT wish to be contacted again till you feel better... what do you say?

diya · Apr 20, 2007, 07:30 AM

Originally Posted by Jiser

Wud give u rep there tali, I agree with that. Why should the dumper be put before u? They might have been one of the most important people in your lives, but no longer on their choice!!! So away from their lives you go, to become stronger and find someone better. When your ready by all means reopen the lines of communication, but personally I believe you probably won't want to :P

Sometimes... dumper may not want to get rid of you but does things under the spell of emotions... but before she/he realizes the dumped goes into NC... which I feel is all about impulse actions on part of both parties... neither of them had open discussion which led to lot of turbulence... so I feel NC is good once it's been mutually decided upon...

talaniman · Apr 20, 2007, 07:56 AM

That is why communication is so important between partners as they can work together to resolve issues and not just impulsively act on ones own feelings. Most relationships end when one partner is not happy with things for whatever reason and dumps the other who is in shock as they didn't see it coming. Wouldn't it be better to just say I'm NOT HAPPY, LETS TALK, how often does that happen? The one breaking up has the advantage of knowing how they feel and why. The dumper is in shock and hurt. They need time to process those feelings. There very seldom is a mutual agreement in the middle of a break up, as one partners mind is made up and the other can only go along with it.

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