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InSearchOfAnswers · Apr 18, 2007, 10:43 AM

1st I probably should watch what I ask for, because in this case I got it.

My last GF wasn't a strong, confident woman... she wasn't sexually experienced either, which may have caused this (I was her 2nd and she was 25 at the time)... great girl, great values, family, etc, just very body conscious and she had absolutely no reason to be...

Fast Fwd a couple of years... I meet a great girl. She's gorgeous, shares my sense of humor, and is extremely confident to the point she's cocky... "no man can tame me" was often implicated and occasionally said... We meet and hit it off. Begin dating. There's immediate chemistry - we share the same sense of humor and have a blast with each other. We are crazy about each other. She's a beautiful, strong, indepentdent woman that I have a lot of respect for in that regard, however, she's almost "too independent" to the point she is harsh In month 2 she said "we have sex - we dont make love" "dont get too clingy" "women shold be able to have sex with whomever they want. 'slut' is such a bull word"... stuff like this was a problem for me. It still is. I wish I could physically cut those memories out of my brain.

Its not like I have a long list of her past sexual experiences (if I had to guess, she's in the 15-20 range), it just the things she says that gives me pause... [is she just putting up a cocky front? Does she really feel this way? Is she so sexually liberated and/or scarred that this is her coping mechanism?] If she wasn't someone special, I wouldn't care as much and probably wouldn't be here now, but we are talking the potential mother of my children, so its kind of a big deal. Whenever I jokingly tell her that what she said bothered me back then, she usually responds with "i really said that? wow I was a real b!tch"... couple that with the fact she lost her viginity to date rape.

My real question is how do I learn to handle what I do know (and what I have a good idea about) when it comes to her past ... anyone else feel 'my pain' ... ? Someone please sort all of this out 4 me ...

smoothy · Apr 18, 2007, 12:39 PM

Trust me... take her at her word. If she's saying this then she means it. Unless you are comfortable with this now, then move on. If it bothers you now, then it always will. You won't "get used to it". She's OK for an occasional date, or bang. But don't close your eyes to more suitible women for anything more serious. I've been there before.

InSearchOfAnswers · Apr 18, 2007, 01:24 PM

Thanks

I wasn't a virgin when we met, so I can't harp on the past... and I feel hypocritical to a degree... but the date rape concept is so foreign to me. I have no idea how anyone could be that malicious, hurtful, and pathetic all at once, but apparently it happens... then my mind races with the thoughts of how this affects women sexually later in life, etc... she had a few months of therapy after the incident, but the whole thing is a lot to process for me, the BF, so I can't imagine how it was for her after it happened...

smoothy · Apr 19, 2007, 05:35 AM

Some women can move on beyond that, I've known (and dated) some that have, and they didn't let it control their lives even with a daily reminder ( a child). My issues with them were totally unrelated to that, and I still feel certain were not influenced by it in any way. Just certain personality traits that bothered me.

It boils down to first impressions are usually accurate and to trust your gut feelings. Its easier to move on then try to force yourself to get used to something you don't like in a person. Its never right to try to change a person, or even to expect them to change. You are better off finding a natural "fit" for you. There are plenty out there and not everyone is right for just anyone.

InSearchOfAnswers · Apr 19, 2007, 09:18 AM

Thanks -

Its tough to see clearly when emotions are so high. I really like this girl - I love her - but when I get in "mother of my children' mode, I cringe sometimes. Im not stupid enough to seek out a virgin (are there any left? LOL) but Im not 100% comfortable seriously dating someone who carries has carried on casual sexual relationships (for that reason alone). Anyone else find themselves feeling this way?

Illusion · Apr 19, 2007, 10:20 PM

Are you having trouble accepting her beliefs - women can be sexual and can be with different partners and there is no need for a relationship - or is it her past? You can't do anything about her past. It should not bother you. It's not her past that could come between you. But you can talk to her about her beliefs. Is she interested in having a relationship? Is she just interested in friendship and sex? She could be using the "Don't get too clingy" thing because she does not want to get close to you. Keeping you at arms length is one way to avoid an intimate relationship. When she says you just have sex, is she letting you know that she does not want a deeper involvement? She is somehow letting you know what she wants out of your involvement with her. Clarify your involvement with her and let her know what you want. Is the "women can sleep with who they want" a indication that she will be involved with you and other guys? You need to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. If your beliefs do not agree - or if she does not want the kind of involvement you want - then you may have to re-consider.

InSearchOfAnswers · Apr 20, 2007, 06:23 AM

I guess I don't like the fact I was initially grouped with the rest of the 'sex buddies' and not taken more seriously initially when I made it clear I had feelings for her. But now she says she knew she was falling for me from day one. Its confusing. And, yes, the fact she so brutally honest about her sexual flings in the past bothers me - the way she's goes about it is caustic to a degree. How do I 'get over it" ?

Thanks for your feedback.

smoothy · Apr 20, 2007, 08:58 AM

Best way is put distance between you, and keep it. Find another woman who shares the same values you do.

Trust me in the fact I have been through this myself. I won't go into any details however.

Like the old saying goes. Time heals all wounds.

But keep picking at the scab and its never going to heal.

kriss320 · Apr 20, 2007, 11:22 AM

There's an adage that states, " a man should have his mortorcyces new, his cars used, and get his women experienced". For me, it's always been important that when someone tells me something, they know of what they speak. Therefore, if YOU have a past, and SHE has a past, and you guys are great together, then you have a great thing.

Everything that you two experienced BEFORE you met, made you what you are now. Sex seems, from what you wrote, a VERY big part of what interest you both in a releationship. You stated some things regarding... " the future mother of my children"... but didn't mention if that is what she is thinking, too. She may have just been coy in the beginning just to see if you were man enough to take the fact that she wants to be equal to your drive, or to see if you had the 'steel' to stick around. I'm sure over time, she has learned enough about you to keep you around.

TALK at length about what troubles you. Tell her that she opened the door, put the question in your mind, and needs to be the author of it getting settled. Tell her it's your fragile male ego that needs soothing, for it is and if she is truly a 'reformed player', she'll know what to do to fix it. For players know how to use this, building and breaking.

My best to you.

InSearchOfAnswers · Apr 20, 2007, 11:27 AM

She's w/o a doubt a player, and I have told her my feelings - as hard as it was to do - but she offers no solutions and seems to feel that if it doesn't bother her it shouldn't bother me ("What?! i mean - serilosly - what should I do? They contact me." is her reply). She has even said it wouldn't bother her if I contacted girls I dated. That's not what I want to do and not what I wanted to hear...

kriss320 · Apr 20, 2007, 11:32 AM

I have my own question posted from eariler, and I'll give you the advice of what I'm doing. Tonight we will sit down and talk this out. I'm going to do what I mentioned to you, in that she is going to have to own up to putting that in my brain, and she is going to have to fix it. I KNOW it's my own personal ego, but she damaged it, and if she can't make it better, then we'll have to move on... without each other. I sometimes wish I could have been one of the 'toys' instead of the 'boyfriend'. But, knowing me and how WONDERFUL we are together, it would have gone this way regarless.

InSearchOfAnswers · Apr 20, 2007, 11:35 AM

Originally Posted by kriss320

I KNOW it's my own personal ego, but she damaged it, and if she can't make it better, then we'll have to move on...without each other. I sometimes wish I could have been one of the 'toys' instead of the 'boyfriend'. But, knowing me and how WONDERFUL we are together, it would have gone this way regarless.

I feel the same. Happy and confused... lucky and cheated... all at once.

EnglishRose · Apr 20, 2007, 12:00 PM

I think that maybe she has build up a front at the beginning and that you have slowly broken it down. Being raped really does this to a lot of women. You think you have moved on but then every so often when it comes to trusting someone new it hits you in the face. She wasn't just raped by a stranger, this was someone she felt safe to go out on a date with. She trusted a man and he hurt her. The front she has put on is that sex is not important, that it doesn't and therefore didn't mean anything to her. I think that we both know that is rubbish or she would not be in a long term relationship with you. As long as she now feels secure and isn't ssaying these things now then I think you have nothing to worry about. Her past is her past, we all make mistakes

InSearchOfAnswers · Apr 20, 2007, 12:07 PM

If I had to guess, I would assume that the rape scarred her in such a way that for her to 'get over' it and have a 'healthy' sexual life beyond that incident, she must preface every sexual relationship - any relationship really - with the disclaimer she used on me ("dont get too clingy ... no man can tame me" BS)... but after breakig down those barriers, there are still things I'm not fully comfortable with and I'm confused about.

I guess I don't know how to tactfully say these thing bother me and I think they are a direct result of that incident. Of course, I'm no shrink, so she might throw that in my face.. . but seriously, how do you bring up 'your rape could still be an issue" in a sensitive manner?

Emland · Apr 20, 2007, 12:35 PM

Since this post is almost identical to your other post, I think you should change you question from "should my GFs past bother me?" to "my GFs past is making me nutz - what to do?"

Whether it Should is irrelevant. It OBVIOUSLY does. If you cannot get past it and let it go then this subject is what you will fight over repeatedly and eventually break up over.

The past is the past. There is no changing it now. Either accept her as she is or break it off and find someone else that you can accept.

EnglishRose · Apr 20, 2007, 01:23 PM

I see your point, bringing it up without opening new wounds could be hard. When she says something you don't like, tell her. Just ask her why sh says it and if she means it. Ask he rwhat her issues towards sex are about and why she still talks that way. Don't meantion the rape until she brings it up. Most importantly though you need to remember that she didn't chose to be this way, it was a natural reaction to what happened and she probably doesn't even know she does it. You can't compare her to your last girlfriend even though its always hard not too

Illusion · Apr 20, 2007, 03:59 PM

What bothers me about this is that she blows off how you feel - she must have some idea that when she talks about her past it bothers you. The past is over and cannot be changed. What is the point of talking about the past. Is she talking about the past to get a reaction out of you? Then she can tell by your reaction that you care. That would be emotional manipulation - and it is indeed cruel to know you are hurting someone but do it anyway. Not a good trait to have in a partner. This young lady is letting you know what she wants out of her relationship with you - and it doesn't sound like she is interested in a commitment.

You know, sometimes when you meet someone and they like you, they may not be honest that they play the field. They are not going to tell you that because they want to be involved with you also - because if they were honest and you knew they play the field - you might not stick around. Sure she likes you, but her comments are sending a message. That she does not want you to get too close. It's not up to her to offer solutions - you need to decide if you want to continue to see her. It sounds like she is hurting you however - and that's no fun. You need to find a girl that shares your beliefs and will be more sensitive to your needs.

InSearchOfAnswers · Apr 1, 2008, 07:42 AM

Originally Posted by Illusion

What bothers me about this is that she blows off how you feel - she must have some idea that when she talks about her past it bothers you. The past is over and cannot be changed. What is the point of talking about the past. Is she talking about the past to get a reaction out of you?

That's what I don't like... that's messed up if that's what's she's doing, but honestly is seems to be like a total lack of her 'getting it'... its like if she can't think it or understand why something bothers someone else she's totally void of empathy or understanding. Not by choice but like that part of her is totally missing and she can't process it

smoothy · Apr 1, 2008, 08:01 AM

If she "can't get it" then maybe "She doesn't want to get it". YOU have to size her up honestly and decide if you can live with her the way she is. She isn't going to change to suit you... yeah people change in their own way in their own time and its never how you want them to.

If you are not 100% happy with her and her issues then cut your losses and move on. Not every woman can or will be a good fit with any particular guy or vice versa. I'd cut my losses and move on to find a woman that's a better fit for you. Trust me any of us that have dateed more than 2 or 3 people understand what I mean. There is a better woman out there for you and unless you continue looking you won't find her.

InSearchOfAnswers · Apr 5, 2008, 06:32 PM

Thanks smoothy

Its not that I'm inexperienced or that I haven't dated a lot of women. Quite the opposite really, but while I have no trouble getting a date with attractive, successful women, I do find it is difficult to find a spark or connection with someone that I feel I really mesh well with.

My current girlfriend has told me she feels the same way, although, looking back with the info I now have, it seems she may be a committmentphobe and she has zero trouble finding 'fillers' to take up the space in between boyfriends.

What does bother me is her need to hold onto all of the old stuff. Imo, the past is the past.

Anyway, I just wanted to respond and let you know we are going to see a therapist. Thanks for the advice