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talaniman · Apr 19, 2007, 12:40 PM

There is a side to this you seem to be missing. Why should she rearrange her life which she is happy with, for you when you haven't given her the proper motivation to do so? I think she is waiting to see, are you the one who can deal with her on her level, or are you someone trying to control her. It seems she is looking out for herself, and not really ready for the kind of relationship you are looking for. I have suggested if you deem her worth pursuing, you change your tact and not worry about the exes, but endeavor to show her the better side of you, that does not demand change and can handle the threat of competition that these exes represent. Honestly you are not married or committed enough to make demands on what she does or how she does it, so back off and forget it, or man up and come with it as a male who is confident and knows what he wants. Believe me or not, that is what this female is looking for so ask yourself, do you think you are the one??
Remember and understand her past, as it relates to her attitude and actions now. The last thing she needs is a man who does not understand and accept her for who she is.

InSearchOfAnswers · Apr 19, 2007, 01:23 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

There is a side to this you seem to be missing. Why should she rearrange her life which she is happy with, for you when you haven't given her the proper motivation to do so?? I think she is waiting to see, are you the one who can deal with her on her level, or are you someone trying to control her. It seems she is looking out for herself, and not really ready for the kind of relationship you are looking for. I have suggested if you deem her worth pursuing, you change your tact and not worry about the exes, but endeavor to show her the better side of you, that does not demand change and can handle the threat of competition that these exes represent. Honestly you are not married or committed enough to make demands on what she does or how she does it, so back off and forget it, or man up and come with it as a male who is confident and knows what he wants. Believe me or not, that is what this female is looking for so ask your self, do you think you are the one???
Remember and understand her past, as it relates to her attitude and actions now. The last thing she needs is a man who does not understand and accept her for who she is.

Thanks tal - and I agree with you. I am here to get insight to help me understand. To get insight.

lisalou · Apr 19, 2007, 02:39 PM

I keep in brief contact with my ex, he was a part of my life and part of my growing up we have both moved on but there are things that we have in common and still laugh about - the same with my current boyfriend, we have been together 3 years, and though I found it hard to accept his friendship with his ex (they have a large group of mutual friends and see one another occasionally, once every 6 months or so) I eventually realised that I had to trust him. He loves me and is no longer with her. I know that he wouldn't cheat on me with her as he has told me his feelings about her.

I would be upset if my boyfriend asked me to cut ties with my ex because I have nothing to hide, our friendship is innocent and I would begrudge anyone who didn't trust me or had a problem with this because it essentially means you do not trust her. I too would NOT ever say that my boyfriend could not ever talk to his ex. I trust him. Your girlfriend has done nothing to betray your trust and you should not force her to cut innocent ties.

InSearchOfAnswers · Apr 19, 2007, 05:36 PM

Originally Posted by lisalou

i keep in brief contact with my ex, he was a part of my life and part of my growing up we have both moved on but there are things that we have in common and still laugh about - the same with my current boyfriend, we have been together 3 years, and though i found it hard to accept his friendship with his ex (they have a large group of mutual friends and see one another occasionally, once every 6 months or so) i eventually realised that i had to trust him. He loves me and is no longer with her. I know that he wouldnt cheat on me with her as he has told me his feelings about her.

I would be upset if my boyfriend asked me to cut ties with my ex because i have nothing to hide, our friendship is innocent and i would begrudge anyone who didnt trust me or had a problem with this because it essentially means you do not trust her. i too would NOT ever say that my boyfriend could not ever talk to his ex. I trust him. Your girlfriend has done nothing to betray your trust and you should not force her to cut innocent ties.

Lisa - check your messages

maxim · Apr 20, 2007, 09:50 AM

InSearch...
I hate to say it but I think Emland is right. She should be able to talk to you about anything... not her other "friends". I don't talk to my ex. Anymore because my new boyfriend did not like it... she should respect your feelings and do the same. A person told me in a response to one of my questions that there should'nt be anything for them to talk about if it cannot be said to that person in front of you... I think she is hiding something... and if she is still talking to previous f-buddies I will almost garentee there's flirting involved.

InSearchOfAnswers · Apr 20, 2007, 11:07 AM

Originally Posted by maxim

InSearch...
I hate to say it but i think Emland is right. She should be able to talk to you about anything...not her other "friends". I don't talk to my ex. anymore because my new bf did not like it...she should respect your feelings and do the same. A person told me in a response to one of my questions that there should'nt be anything for them to talk about if it cannot be said to that person in front of you...i think she is hiding something...and if she is still talking to previous f-buddies i will almost garentee there's flirting involved.

I feel the same. The few times an ex has sent me a text my response has been short and distant... I feel that anything other would be betraying my girl in some way. I have told her this, yet she really doesn't have a response... I guess I just rely on the Golden Rule too much. Maybe I just need to look out for #1...

Thanks to all

ISOA

maxim · Apr 23, 2007, 01:26 PM

InSearch...
Good Luck... #1 is always the most important...

InSearchOfAnswers · Apr 23, 2007, 01:45 PM

Thanks maxim

I actually mad an appt with a rape crisis center counselor this morning. Hopefully this will help me work through the issues I am having with this, help me better understand her and how this has shaped her, help us communicate better, and make us a better couple for it.

When all of this started, I thought about having lunch with an ex to make her see my point, but that is immature and I'm better than that - even if it would in some way make her feel some hint of what she makes me feel (when she is apathetic to my problems)... anyway, I think Im going about this the right way. Ive got to trust that decision and go with it.

I appreciate all input - everyone has been very helpful. Its nice getting all of this off my chest since I can't tell anyone about this w/o betraying her trust, so for that, I thank all of you.

Im definitely trying on this end. I hope all of my efforts are not in vain.

If anyone has anymore words of wisdom, please do not hesitate to enlighten me.

ISOA

talaniman · Apr 23, 2007, 05:30 PM

Im definitely trying on this end. I hope all of my efforts are not in vain.

You may not reap the rewards of your efforts to day, but those efforts will be rewarded.