[j2237806]

Hi, I'm 21 years old & my boyfriend is 30. We have been together since Feb. 24 of this year, so almost 6 months. He has 3 kids to which he needs to pay child support. I have no kids. He lives with his mom to make money last more. When I met him he worked at a restaurant and paid for his stuff and his half of the expenses when living with his mom. Soon after we got together he quit his job because he had a problem with the boss and what he was making wasn't enough because the place was too far away. After that, he started working at another restaurant a bit closer but to be completely honest, the money was terrible. That wasn't worth it at all. After that, he got another job at a diner that was close to his house. The money wasn't great but it made ends meet. Unfortunately, his herniated disk gave him problems and had to go to the hospital which made him miss 1.5 weeks of work. He had a doctor's note and the boss saw he was feeling terrible. She told him to take the time he needed that he would get his place back. When he went back after the week and a half (they only used him on weekends and he missed 2) the boss said someone had taken over and she just stopped picking up his calls. He got another job at another restaurant and that one he just quit because he felt like it. He said he didn't make enough money there for the amount of work he had to do. During all this time, I paid for his car lease and insurance and other expenses. His mom covered the rent and the phone. He didn't bother to find something and pay for himself. He hasn't paid child support in 5 months. His license is suspended. Back in April, I found out I was accepted into New York University College of Dentistry. He said from the start he would go with me. So my parents have paid for my expenses in relations to that and I have paid for his. My parents HATE him be they think he's lazy that's using me. I'm in love with him. I leave tomorrow. My parents are telling me to not take him, but my heart tells me to give him a last chance in NY where there are plenty of jobs compared to Miami and see what happens. If he doesn't start working within a month and doesn't help me out, I'm going to tell him to leave because it's only fair he helps me since I will be paying EVERYTHING with loans that have interests. What do you think?

[smoothy]

Ditch this loser...


He doesn't take the legal obligation to his kids and the court seriously..( all those excuses about those jobs were exactly that....excuses, bad ones at that). its impossible he will to you either. He is looking for someone to pay his bills for him so he can have even more kids he won't make the extra effort to pay for.

[j2237806]

Ditch this loser...


He doesn't take the legal obligation to his kids and the court seriously..( all those excuses about those jobs were exactly that....excuses, bad ones at that). its impossible he will to you either. He is looking for someone to pay his bills for him so he can have even more kids he won't make the extra effort to pay for.

You're right that he hasn't taken the legal obligation, but he does see them but he does take them home and spends weeks with them and takes good care of them. What throws me off is that before we were together he was super hard working and would have 2 jobs at a time. When he was with the mom of his kids, he had 2 jobs where he would sleep 2 hours a day. Idk what happened that he turned this way. You don't think I should give him a last chance?

[smoothy]

Personally, no. And I'm saying this as a guy. Even without the legal imposition of child support... never in my 35 years since college have I EVER taken a job as lightly as he does. Once in a great while, you have a really bad job... and for that I would give a one time pass... but not one after the other. When it becomes a regular thing...its obvious the problem lies with him, not someone else.

This is just my opinion... but I think he sees you more and more like his personal gravy train.

And he WILL have to pay that support until he becomes current....even if they (his kids) are 30 years old at the time, or heaven forbid, something happens to them. That obligation doesn't end when they become adults. Whats in arrears is ALWAYS owed to the other parent until its paid.

Some places will put you in jail for failure to pay child support.

That's also part of being a good parent. Helping to support your kids and pay for their needs.

[talaniman]

Let's see he has run out on his mom, and his kids, quits many jobs, and you think he deserves another chance with YOU? Sorry your parents are correct, he is using you, and you let him. Trusting someone with his track record is FOOLISH! That makes your love even more foolish after seeing first hand his character after only 6 months.

Guess you have to learn your lesson the really hard way.

[CravenMorhead]

Hi, I'm 21 years old & my boyfriend is 30. We have been together since Feb. 24 of this year, so almost 6 months. He has 3 kids to which he needs to pay child support. I have no kids. He lives with his mom to make money last more. When I met him he worked at a restaurant and paid for his stuff and his half of the expenses when living with his mom. Soon after we got together he quit his job because he had a problem with the boss and what he was making wasn't enough because the place was too far away. After that, he started working at another restaurant a bit closer but to be completely honest, the money was terrible. That wasn't worth it at all. After that, he got another job at a diner that was close to his house. The money wasn't great but it made ends meet. Unfortunately, his herniated disk gave him problems and had to go to the hospital which made him miss 1.5 weeks of work. He had a doctor's note and the boss saw he was feeling terrible. She told him to take the time he needed that he would get his place back. When he went back after the week and a half (they only used him on weekends and he missed 2) the boss said someone had taken over and she just stopped picking up his calls. He got another job at another restaurant and that one he just quit because he felt like it. He said he didn't make enough money there for the amount of work he had to do. During all this time, I paid for his car lease and insurance and other expenses. His mom covered the rent and the phone. He didn't bother to find something and pay for himself. He hasn't paid child support in 5 months. His license is suspended. Back in April, I found out I was accepted into New York University College of Dentistry. He said from the start he would go with me. So my parents have paid for my expenses in relations to that and I have paid for his. My parents HATE him be they think he's lazy that's using me. I'm in love with him. I leave tomorrow. My parents are telling me to not take him, but my heart tells me to give him a last chance in NY where there are plenty of jobs compared to Miami and see what happens. If he doesn't start working within a month and doesn't help me out, I'm going to tell him to leave because it's only fair he helps me since I will be paying EVERYTHING with loans that have interests. What do you think?

How many last chances are you going to give him? He's been through 4+ jobs in six months. You and his mother have been paying for his way in life. He has medical issues. I have to side with your parents to be honest. I think he is using you at the moment. I don't think he is honest with you, his family, or his ex-family.

One thing to consider, if he does move with you, you'll be common law in a little bit and then you could be responsible for a lot of his bills. He might just not find work. You've got a promising future in front of you. I would take that and go. Six months is far too short of a time frame to know if you love someone, to know if you are actually compatible. I know you're questioning this, and you know what the right answer is. Act on it.

[J_9]

Luckily, neither New York or Florida recognize common law marriages.

I will, though, agree with the others. You are being used. This man is lazy and full of excuses.

If if your parents are paying your expenses in regard to dental school, you would be smart to leave this looser in Miami (where there are just as many jobs as New York) before your parents pull the purse strings on you.

[j2237806]

Luckily, neither New York or Florida recognize common law marriages.

I will, though, agree with the others. You are being used. This man is lazy and full of excuses.

If if your parents are paying your expenses in regard to dental school, you would be smart to leave this looser in Miami (where there are just as many jobs as New York) before your parents pull the purse strings on you.

Who's talking about marriage! My parents would only help me if he didn't go with me. If I went alone, they'd help me a bit. Otherwise, no.

[Cat1864]

My thoughts in no particular order:

How much time have you spent talking to his mother or other friends and relatives? If most of your information about his past before you met him comes from him, then I think you may be finally seeing the real person instead of the person he wants you to think he is.

If he moves to NY with you then he will be the stereotype of a deadbeat dad. He won't be paying child support and he won't be seeing his children. I would almost bet that phone calls and other methods of communication with his children will end unless you or the mother(s) instigate it.

Not only will he have past support to pay off but he will still be responsible current support. That means more of his non-existent paycheck will be gone before he gets it.

If he is only qualified for restaurant work, then there may not be as many jobs available in NY as you hope there is. People trying to break into the entertainment field and college students tend to take restaurant jobs until they give up or make enough to support themselves in their chosen occupations. The pay won't be any higher and the living expenses probably will be.

He doesn't seem to be interested in learning new skills and or spending time making himself more valuable as an employee. He will continue to make low pay until he stays in a job long enough to prove his worth and get a raise.

Why was his license suspended? Child support or something you haven't told us about?

I wouldn't be surprised if your parents decided to stop supporting him through the support they give you. If you can't support yourself without your parents' help while in school, then you should not be supporting another person who isn't trying to support himself.

I think you should be very concerned about the possibility of getting pregnant and having the responsibility of school, a child, living expenses and him.

You have to make your own decisions. I just hope that you make this one with open eyes. Closing your eyes to the warning signs will not make them go away.

Good luck and may you enjoy NY and your studies. I hope you meet a lot of new people will become friends you treasure for the rest of your life.

[j2237806]

My thoughts in no particular order:

How much time have you spent talking to his mother or other friends and relatives? If most of your information about his past before you met him comes from him, then I think you may be finally seeing the real person instead of the person he wants you to think he is.

If he moves to NY with you then he will be the stereotype of a deadbeat dad. He won't be paying child support and he won't be seeing his children. I would almost bet that phone calls and other methods of communication with his children will end unless you or the mother(s) instigate it.

Not only will he have past support to pay off but he will still be responsible current support. That means more of his non-existent paycheck will be gone before he gets it.

If he is only qualified for restaurant work, then there may not be as many jobs available in NY as you hope there is. People trying to break into the entertainment field and college students tend to take restaurant jobs until they give up or make enough to support themselves in their chosen occupations. The pay won't be any higher and the living expenses probably will be.

He doesn't seem to be interested in learning new skills and or spending time making himself more valuable as an employee. He will continue to make low pay until he stays in a job long enough to prove his worth and get a raise.

Why was his license suspended? Child support or something you haven't told us about?

I wouldn't be surprised if your parents decided to stop supporting him through the support they give you. If you can't support yourself without your parents' help while in school, then you should not be supporting another person who isn't trying to support himself.

I think you should be very concerned about the possibility of getting pregnant and having the responsibility of school, a child, living expenses and him.

You have to make your own decisions. I just hope that you make this one with open eyes. Closing your eyes to the warning signs will not make them go away.

Good luck and may you enjoy NY and your studies. I hope you meet a lot of new people will become friends you treasure for the rest of your life.

I've spoken to his mom about his history.

His license was suspended because he didn't pay child support for 3+ months.

I take birth control pills. I don't plan on having kids with anyone for a LONG time. I also don't plan on getting married to anyone for a really long time.

[J_9]

Okay, the common law marriage was suggested by another member responding to you. I was simply stating that it is not possible.

As as for birth control. It is never 100% effective, you can still get pregnant.

If if this man is not willing or able to support the children he created, what makes you think he will assist is supporting you? If you take him to New York, be prepared to give up your dreams of dentistry. He will drain you and your bank account.

[joypulv]

Most requests for advice here contain the seeds of the answer the person is seeking.
Here's your seed: 'What throws me off is that before we were together he was super hard working and would have 2 jobs at a time.'

What does that tell you? To me it says that there's something about YOU that lets him use you. The gulf between your age 21 and his 30 is enormous. You are full of promise and a career, while he is full of burden and no career. Not even taking chef courses? Nothing.

Tell him you love him but can't take him with you and will see him when you are back home visiting family. He'll move on before you do, betcha anything.
PS: It's all moot anyway. For $2,000/mo, you might be lucky to get a 12 x 12 'studio' with a toilet and tiny shower at one end, and a microwave cart for a kitchen.
Even if you take 4 trains from a borough for an hour twice a day, you won't find a cheap apartment.

[smoothy]

Tell him you love him but can't take him with you and will see him when you are back home visiting family. He'll move on before you do, betcha anything.

joypulv hit that smack square on the head...

I'll put down good money on THAT bet... and I'm not a gambler. Its as sure a thing as you will ever come across the rest of your life.