[Conformity]

All right, here's the issue in full.

I moved out of state to be with this girl after a difficult long distance relationship. Moving from my parents house, I moved in with her, her dad, and her step-mom. Within two months, I had a full time job through her father and an apartment full of furniture.

Things started rough, arguing a lot, her throwing fits, and all the usual confusion and mess you'd expect. She felt like she should be living with her friends, not with her boyfriend. Eventually, her friend and her boyfriend moved in here, which sucked for a few reasons but actually improved my relationship with her because I think we became more grateful for each other.

We've been living here for close to two years now. She's 20, I'm 23. Our lives are routine. Sometimes we cook, sometimes we go out to eat. We sit on computers in separate rooms in the evening, and we watch TV together. We never really had a lot of sex once we moved in together, so it's an average of once a week maybe. Then we go to sleep for a while, wake up and get pissed off at our cat, and it starts over.


Now, the issue. She's always talked about wanting to move out on her own or with her friends since we moved in. I found out through a friend that she had been talking to one of her friends about moving out. I became upset but I didn't flip out. She said she didn't really know what she wanted, but was leaning towards moving out with this friend of hers. She said how she also thought it would strengthen our relationship and that she wouldn't take me for granted as much.

After digesting that and understanding her side, I realized that she had been distant towards me for the last few weeks. We hadn't had sex or been very affectionate at all - by her doing. I'd try to hug her and she'd just sort of shy away. Finally, I said to her that I didn't think she was interested in me anymore. She said that that isn't the case, but lately she's been plagued by the idea of what it would be like for her to be single. Not even be with someone else, but just be single. Of course, I was crushed. She said she knows she'll never find someone who treats me better than I do or loves her as much as me, but she just can't help but wonder what life would be like.

She had been losing weight due to the stress of that thought and how bad it made her feel that she was thinking that way. She said she'd never be able to break up with me because she knows how much it would hurt me and she doesn't want to do that. She's frustrated because she knows that I won't ever break up with her. I mean, I would if she did something really bad, but I don't want to break up with her just because she throws a fit now and then and acts moody.

She has a horrible track record with the guys she's dated. Her mom tells me she doesn't think there's anyone else she's seeing, as do her friends. Her parents love me and her friends love me and think she's insane for wanting to leave me.

She's also bitter at me because of the money I earn at my job while she slaves away at a daycare not earning what she deserves. She's also bitter because my job allows me a lot of flexibility in terms of when I work. She's wanted to go back to college for a while to become a teacher, but she lacks the financial support and seems too unmotivated to do the research required to make it happen. She often talks about how she feels like we're married. She asks me about what I think things are going to be like in the future, and if this is just how it is, and I have to honestly tell her, "I don't know, I don't think about things like that."

I treat her very well and endure a lot of manic episodes. I pay more than my share of everything and I don't mind as I'm not that attached to money. She's completely provided for and taken care of, which I think is kind of the issue. I think she wants to see if she can make it on her own and provide for herself. I think she's been spinning her wheels watching all of her friends go to school and do things and it makes her depressed and unmotivated.

Another contributor, maybe, is that one of her best friends is breaking up with her boyfriend. But the thing is, they have real issues to contend with. From what I get, my girlfriend just wants to break up simply because it would be something new.

Since we talked about it, we've been a lot nicer around each other. We laugh more and we have a good time. We're still not affectionate. We're going to Mexico in June, and we talk about how great that's going to be as well as discuss other future plans. There's a lot of mixed signals and I don't think she knows what she wants.

I just want some input. I'm crazy about this girl. I'm afraid we'll break up and she'll go out and screw something up. And then I'll screw something up. And then we'll try to get back together, only now with additional baggage and resentment for the things we did while we were apart. I'm nearly positive if we break up, she will try to come back at some point.

[talaniman]

She's twenty and curious about life. That's pretty natural. But for you to take everything she says personally, will drive you crazy. Until something concrete presents its self, relax and be a good house mate, and try to make up all that long distance time. I think she needs to have fun with you and not the cat. Show this lady a great time and leave the computers alone some nights.

[brazygirl08]

Yes. Show her you want to spend time with HER. As her out, tell her you want to rent a movie and make her dinner! Do something FOR HER. Spice it up! LESS COMPUTER> more her and you time. Show her life can be FUN and different with you! But spice back into it... I PROMISE. Just show her that there is more to life than the computer, cat and TV! Show her there is YOU AND HER... :)

[Conformity]

I guess I didn't make it clear - I don't sit around on the computer neglecting her. She sits around on the computer wasting time and asks me basically to go away if I try to get her off it. Because I can't get her to stop mindlessly pissing away her time on the computer, I'm left to stare at my computer or the TV. So, like I said, this is her doing, not mine.

We do things all the time. I make her dinner all the time. I take her out to eat to nice restaurants all the time. We go places and do things as often as we can.

[brazygirl08]

Hmm I don't know! Keep me updated :) SHe just sounds confused!

[talaniman]

If that's just the way she is then what's the question? Don't be insecure and good honest communications is so necessary to learn and implement. Sharing, caring, talking, and listenening. Your both finding your way. Your both trying to get a happy life. Work together.

[Conformity]

For some reason even though I wrote a short novel of what's going on I don't feel like anyone has a clue of what I'm talking about

[talaniman]

for some reason even though i wrote a short novel of what's going on i dont feel like anyone has a clue of what im talking about

You sound insecure and are having trouble dealing with it. I think your worried about the wrong things, and if I'm wrong straighten me out here. Communicate with us, as in ask a specific question.

[brazygirl08]

I know exactly what you are talking about. Best thing to do is talk to her about it... I mean if you want her to stay... talk to her

[Conformity]

We basically broke up the day before yesterday. I said that I think she needs to change some things in her life and we need to kind of have our own separate lives but not break up. She said it would be pointless to make this big of a change and not break up. I was crushed.

I sat down with her last night and she told me that she just feels so terrible and doesn't want to hurt me or break my heart. She explained to me that there's nothing wrong with me and I'm a perfect boyfriend and that she owes me everything for teaching her what I've taught her and being there for her. But she just can't do this right now and it weighs too heavy on her.

I told her I was going up to New York this weekend and she seemed really upset and said she thought I was just going to go up there and do some crazy things so she couldn't find out. Which isn't the case. I just need to get away from here right now. But I explained to her that I won't do anything stupid, and she explained to me that she's not going to do anything stupid. We both agreed that our relationship just can't continue with her the way she is, so she wants to get out on her own and really become a happier person.

She said that we're not taking a break because "breaks dont ever work". I don't know, it's like neither one of us is going to go out and start seeing someone else (me because I'm not that way and her because she knows it wouldn't help her accomplish what she wants right now). So I guess it's just more of an open ended break-up.

I just want to see her happy and but I still desperately want to be with her. I'm just going to give her the space she needs right now and hope things kind of fall into place.

I guess give me your thoughts on this. I guess it's about as painless as the break-up of a two year relationship can be. But I'm stuck here worrying and wondering if she's just going to come around a month from now and say she wants a casual relationship. I just know this is far from over and that's the part that really scares me.

[talaniman]

The way you explain this break thing is so confusing, and I imagine it is for you too. Before you guys do your thing its best to define terms and know what is expected from you both. Something specific that you both can understand or honestly you will have nothing, which it would be pointless to have hope or wait for each other. Personally I would have to know a whole lot more details and intentions or I'm out of here any way. If your love allows her to make all the rules and you just obey, that ain't love, that's slavery, so make sure she knows your true feelings, so she can get all the space she wants. Look out for your interest, and let no one put you on hold, as she is looking out for herself.

[Conformity]

Thanks, that actually helps.

[football2009]

I am going through something very similar to what your going through. My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years and have lived together for 4 years. We both are very young, both 20 years old. She decided she wanted to move to Washington because her grandma is dying of MS, mulitple sclerosis and her grandma is her everything. So I understand why she would want to go up there and take care of her. She also said she wants to do it on her own because she has never done anthing on her own and wants to just get her life straightened out and become a happier person. She moved this morning at 5am so I am still pretty sad, but someone said something to me which really has helped me "If your love her you will let her go and if it's meant to be she will come back." I am going to support her 100% for this decision. I hope this somewhat helps

[Gemini54]

I think that you need to let her go. She wants to be single and explore the world, you need to be free of her listlessness and indecision.

Reflect back on what you had - little sex, dramas, separation. Is this what you want in a relationship?

The idea of not being in a relationship is what scares you, not losing her. She sounds like a pain in the butt, and it sounds as if you made all the effort.

The only place that the relationship is not over is in your head.

Let her go. It's hard because it's been 2 years, but it will pass and you'll be glad of the experience.

Soon you'll understand that you're better off without her and you now have the opportunity to explore something new.

[jdjdkkk]

Any update on if she came back to you?