[amorius2005]

My girlfriend, has a few male best friends that she talks to on the daily basis. We are in a long distance relationship and she knew them first so I try not to complain too much. Even when I visited her, one of them just seemed to be around too much which I found slightly irritating. She doesn't hide her phone, and will tell me when they hang out, and even introduced us so she's not trying to be sneaky. Even though I admitted I don't like them hanging out 1 on 1 and she ended that. However, is it okay that a women you are in a relationship is texting guys practically every single day? I can deal with a couple days a week,but everyday? To be fair, she talks to her female friends just as much so I can keep your opinions fair. She also reminds me that she loves me and those are just her friends. I don't bring up the topic to her too much,only once in a while, so she might not know how much it gets under my skin.

[talaniman]

This is totally YOUR issue to deal with and take heart that you don't demand she change, or make this an unnecessary argument, or dramatic conflict. In the grand scheme of things such feelings are trivial and personal just to YOU.

Lets start from the beginning of YOUR feelings, and find out WHY this irritates you, and gets under your skin. Bottom line is not that you have those feelings, but how you acknowledge them as yours (NOT HERS!) and deal with them in a POSITIVE way!


As you have written, you have no reason to mistrust her, or be jealous of her male friends so what's up with YOUR feelings? Where do they come from?

[amorius2005]

I know you know your stuff, so just from a relationship point of view, you think its okay for a person to constantly talk to people of the opposite sex as much as they talk to their bf/gf? I already know my problem, my problem is I had 2 girlfriends that did the same thing, 1 of them dumped me for the guy, the 2nd one got confused and said she didn't know if she had feelings for her, so I dumped her, even though we got back together later and dated for about 4 years with no problems with the guy ever again... Now I see it as a redflag... If its normal behavior for people to do this than I will deal it and try to just trust her, but if its something I should be wary of, I would still like you viewpoint.

[catonsville]

I know you know your stuff, so just from a relationship point of view, you think its okay for a person to constantly talk to people of the opposite sex as much as they talk to their bf/gf? I already know my problem, my problem is I had 2 girlfriends that did the same thing, 1 of them dumped me for the guy, the 2nd one got confused and said she didn't know if she had feelings for her, so I dumped her, even though we got back together later and dated for about 4 years with no problems with the guy ever again... Now I see it as a redflag... If its normal behavior for people to do this than I will deal it and try to just trust her, but if its something I should be wary of, I would still like you viewpoint.

From your opening post, I see where you said they (meaning males drop in). Excuse me, that is a bit over the top. Texting once in awhile is okay but, on a daily basis is over the top as far as I am concerned. You appear to have a problem with that, so you need to get this out in the open to see what is going to be happening down the road. As you stated just above, you pointed out that you have seen situations like yours before.
Multiple males or females in a picture does not bode well.

[joypulv]

It's an LDR folks! He doesn't say how often they get to see each other in person.

Never ever EVER count on an LDR to be a 'real' relationship.
She's being normal and healthy. You are being normal enough in your jealousy, but it is UNFAIR for the situation.
Both of you need to keep your options open, because so much can change when you are apart. She realizes this (I think) and you don't.
Were your other 2 gf's long distance too?

[catonsville]

Folks? Old folks or all folks?

[CravenMorhead]

I know you know your stuff, so just from a relationship point of view, you think its okay for a person to constantly talk to people of the opposite sex as much as they talk to their bf/gf? I already know my problem, my problem is I had 2 girlfriends that did the same thing, 1 of them dumped me for the guy, the 2nd one got confused and said she didn't know if she had feelings for her, so I dumped her, even though we got back together later and dated for about 4 years with no problems with the guy ever again... Now I see it as a redflag... If its normal behavior for people to do this than I will deal it and try to just trust her, but if its something I should be wary of, I would still like you viewpoint.

Keep in mind the distance you are from her. Do you expect her to socially isolate herself? "I am in a relationship so I can't talk to you anymore." I think that is unreasonable to begin with because it is VERY controlling but more so because it is long distance.

I am a firm believer that men and women can be friends. I know you wouldn't be suspicious of your LD-GF chatting like that with her best girl friend, so a big reason you're not comfortable is because you see him as competetion. The thing is that he's been in her life for a LOT longer then you have. You need to trust her on this one. IF you can't trust her then break up with her.

A few of the red flags here are coming from you. Trust is key in a relationship. If you don't have that, what do you have?

[Cat1864]

I think you need to ask yourself one question. If the answer is 'no' then walk away from the relationship. The question: Do you trust her?

If you do not trust her and her judgement, then your jealousy and worries will only grow. Love and other positive emotions will turn into anger, control, and other negative emotions and actions. Do yourself and her a favor and let go before you destroy your lives as well as the relationship.

If you trust her, then let the jealousy and fear go. Holding on to the negative emotions and dwelling on them makes them grow stronger and bigger until they crowd out the love and affection you feel for her.

Think about this: The male friends knew her before you came into her life. IF they wanted more than friendship, they had their chance. She wasn't and isn't romantically involved with them. They are friends and she possibly thinks of them as brothers. You aren't a 'brother'. She cares about you as more than a 'friend'. She loves you. Why are you cheapening what she feels for you by comparing it to what she feels for them?

[amorius2005]

It's an LDR folks! He doesn't say how often they get to see each other in person.

Never ever EVER count on an LDR to be a 'real' relationship.
She's being normal and healthy. You are being normal enough in your jealousy, but it is UNFAIR for the situation.
Both of you need to keep your options open, because so much can change when you are apart. She realizes this (I think) and you don't.
Were your other 2 gf's long distance too?

No, this is my first one, and I met her in person before it became long distance, its not like a cyber relationship, she knows my family, I know hers, we bet to each others homes, etc... she even told me she's ready for a ring whenever I am, LDR is a pain though, and if this one doesn't work, don't think I can do it again.

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...nt-817902.html

LDR's are a leap of faith and a test of patience, and trust, even for the most committed of couples, and one hell of a risk to take since it skews reality, and gives way to fear and fantasy. Worse, you dump so much into them emotionally and mentally with a text or call the only reward, you are left empty most times.

Now you have raised the stakes and talked marriage? You should be talking about when/how to end this distance crap, and bonding in real life to see if indeed you are compatible for a lifetime commitment, or you are just hopeful electronic friends.

But dating in real life isn't in the near future is it? You are correct LDR's are EXTREMELY difficult.

This is what I told you in January, now you are seeing ghosts of other guys and questioning her loyalty. I get you are caught between attractions and FEAR, having had past experiences, but is that an excuse to make demands? Ask yourself... if indeed you see a red flag in her behavior, why are you still in this relationship? If you cannot honestly express yourself, and she understands your fears, and concerns and ADDRESSES them, then is this a healthy relationship to be in?

You really do need to make a decision to come clean with your feelings, or bury your fears (red flags) because if indeed this is a cause for irritation now, then resentments soon follow, and be aware that she may indeed be turned off by your insecurities from your past baggage (Bad experiences).

Maybe things can be worked out, maybe it can't, but either way what do you expect from this long distance relatively new relationship? All and any relationships has it's challenges my friend, can you overcome them from a distance? RARELY, especially one that started from a distance.

Just my take, either trust what she says, or leave her alone. Have fun until you get FACTS and then act accordingly. You don't sound like you are having fun so better start talking honestly, and hope she understand and gets it, and gives you FACTS.

[amorius2005]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...nt-817902.html



This is what I told you in January, now you are seeing ghosts of other guys and questioning her loyalty. I get you are caught between attractions and FEAR, having had past experiences, but is that an excuse to make demands? Ask yourself... if indeed you see a red flag in her behavior, why are you still in this relationship? If you cannot honestly express yourself, and she understands your fears, and concerns and ADDRESSES them, then is this a healthy relationship to be in?

You really do need to make a decision to come clean with your feelings, or bury your fears (red flags) because if indeed this is a cause for irritation now, then resentments soon follow, and be aware that she may indeed be turned off by your insecurities from your past baggage (Bad experiences).

Maybe things can be worked out, maybe it can't, but either way what do you expect from this long distance relatively new relationship? All and any relationships has it's challenges my friend, can you overcome them from a distance? RARELY, especially one that started from a distance.

Just my take, either trust what she says, or leave her alone. Have fun until you get FACTS and then act accordingly. You don't sound like you are having fun so better start talking honestly, and hope she understand and gets it, and gives you FACTS.

I will just try to deal with it still. Other than constant communication, I haven't seen anything along the lines of cheating or any genuinely interested messages. She doesn't even try to hide their names. She volunteers about their conversations, and most sneaky people don't say this stuff. It's still a sucky feeling though.

[joypulv]

She's a rare and valuable woman. I like the sound of her. Even trustworthy people sometimes hide things they worry might look/sound suspicious. She doesn't!

It's been shown in studies countless times that couples who have many friends of their own (each) do much better for much longer than those who think devotion means excluding others.

Nothing is a guarantee! Nothing, ever. Not only is there no point in being jealous, it usually ruins the relationship.
Jealousy is normal enough, but most of us put a lid on it for the sake of keeping the one we love.
It's WORK. Sucky? Tough. Teach yourself to not be jealous, to hide it anyway. It will show that you are turning into a mature adult rather than just thinking about your wishes.