[comfortablynumb]

You can get some background from a post I wrote back in February. Things haven't been like that in the last month, thankfully. He still picks on me but he has gotten a lot better. BUT...
Shortly after I wrote that post, I started leaning towards wondering if my boyfriend was cheating on me, though I didn't think he would really do this, he is not that type of guy, I know his family, and we are always together except of course when he is at work, but I wondered if he was maybe talking to other girls are something, I just haven't been feeling wanted so to speak. My boyfriend does pay for a lot, pretty much everything. I have been job hunting for months now since getting laid off in January & finally got an awesome job I start at a week from tomorrow. So my boyfriend paid my car payment last month, my storage unit, my car insurance, my food, gas etc. I feel bad about it because I hate relying on others but I wouldn't have been able to do it otherwise.
Anyway, early last month (March), shortly after my last post, I decided to go through his phone (something I have never ever done, big no-no, I know). He had left to the store to get baseballs to practice baseball with my son & he left his phone home, which he must've forgotten. My son pointed it out after my boyfriend left, he said 'OH, he forgot his cell phone!'. I kept staring at it, trying to talk myself out of it, but I grabbed it, guessed what I thought he passcode was (which I was right) & browsed...
The first thing I went on was his Facebook messages. I found a couple bull ones to guy friends & then I found a conversation between him & what I know to be a woman he used to see for a little while, in the message they were talking about how miserable her life is now w a guy she is dating (she & this guy live in another state), my boyfriend was giving her advice, and then at one point started asking her what she was wearing, she wrote back what she was wearing, they joked back & forth about what color her bra & undies were, and they were sending smiles & winks back & forth. At one point he even told this woman he was unhappy w his life now. Another message was between him & this random woman who lives out of state who has a lot of modeling/half nude pics on her Facebook page. I don't know how they know each other, but the message was pretty much one sided, my boyfriend was asking her how she was, and how proud he was of her for turning her life around from drugs, and then he told her he heard she was doing fully nude pics & asked if she wouldn't mind sending him some to see.
I knew I only had so much time before my boyfriend would get home, so after that, I went into his text messages, I opened a few that were from women, some were bull stuff about work, some were just random work related questions, and then there was a text from the end of December this past year. This woman & him were in a very deep sexting session. He was asking her if she missed his manhood, she was saying yes of course. He was telling her he was unhappy, she asked him how she could help, he said by shooting his load off. And then they went into sexting, very detailed. He kept writing things like 'again' which made me think he had been with this woman before. Towards the end of the text, she was begging him to come over to her house, she was telling him how she didn't have her kids that night & how bad she wanted him to come over. That was the end of the text, her begging him, there was nothing written back from him.
When he got home from getting the baseballs, I left his phone on the bed opened to the screen of sexting texts between him & that woman, so that when he went to grab his phone he would see them first & know I know. But he didn't come inside right away, he immediately started playing ball with my son. So I went outside & started putting my stuff I had at his house into my car. He asked me what I was doing & I ignored him because I was so heated I wanted to make sure whatever I said back didn't sound stupid or vulnerable. I came back inside, got more of my stuff, brought it out to my car & he asks me again what I am doing & what's wrong, I replied without stopping loading up my car, 'why don't you ask _______ (the woman's name)'. He hesitated, but didn't go inside to see his phone, so I told him next time he leaves he should try to remember his phone. I told my kids to get into the car. My boyfriend must have then realized who I was referring to, he tried to stop me but I left. I brought my kids to their dads (who I was bringing them to anyway that afternoon). My boyfriend kept calling my phone which I didn't answer. And he left a voicemail apologizing & kept saying he wanted to explain (which he was also saying just before I left, which my reply was that there is nothing to explain, there is no way out of that one). When I got back to his house a couple hours later, he wanted to talk but I told him we were done, that I had a hunch & all this time he was picking on me & making me feel inadequate & insignificant, I was right & he was wrong, and that I don't date cheaters. He kept saying he didn't cheat, that he never met up with these women while him & I were dating, I didn't believe him at first, but after going off on him & saying my piece, I went & sat outside, where he followed me & he just burst into tears. He said he loves me & the kids, that he didn't mean to hurt me, that he was sorry, that he doesn't want to even picture his life without me in it, he wants to marry me one day & grow old together. He told me a whole lot that I had never heard him say before because he is not the mushy affectionate 'talk about our future-in-love type'. I asked him why he was talking to them, why did he do all that, and his response was two things (bare with me here because his reasons are going to sound absolutely absurd).
Okay, I don't want to get too detailed here, but my boyfriend & I have in the past talked about threesomes. Its only something we have really talked about while having intercourse because it gets turned on. But I thought he knew I wasn't actually serious about having one. One of the excuses he had for why he was flirting w these women like that, especially the one he was sexting was because he was trying to see if she would be into a threesome, but what is interesting is, there is nothing in these messages about threesomes, its just him & them. He told me he got carried away in the text with the one woman. Then he told me its an alpha-male thing. He told me he knows its going to sound weird but that he likes to know that he's still 'got it' so to speak, without pursuing anything physically. He said he would flirt like that just to see that they're interested & then he would drop off the conversation, which he says is what happened with the woman he was sexting, she was begging him to come over & he stopped texting her. So those are his reasons...
After a day or so I decided I was going to stay with me, he promised me he would never do it again because he had the fear in him that I would leave him & he didn't want that. He apologized a bunch & he said he would prove himself to me. A week or so went by & he still picks on me here & there, not as bad, but I make little comments here & there about these other women & then I feel myself getting heated all over again. I am insecure as heck since all this. I am constantly comparing myself to other women, putting down other innocent women to him when they pass us, and I still feel broken inside. I have become very bitter. Skeptical. I even went in his phone again (he says he left his password the same so that he can show me he's not hiding anything), and I found nude pics of all kinds of women, some that look like they were sent to him, a few of that woman he was sexting (which was obviously from their sexting session), even screenshots of Facebook profile pictures of women that he is friends with. Which that really makes me wonder, why does he need snapshots of a headshot of random women? Is it so he can remember who is available to mess with, instead of writing down these potential women he just keeps their picture in his phone so he remembers? Its got my mind spinning. Since this all happened in March, I have went into his phone & only found two pictures that were half nudes that were of the woman I mentioned who models, the one he was asking for nudes of. Those pictures are also publicly on Facebook, that's how I know she didn't sent them to him. Im not an idiot, I know that he could still be talking to women & deleting the messages before he leaves his phone on the dresser & takes a shower, knowing well that I can look at it. He gets annoyed when I make comments or bring up the other women lately, he is starting to say things like 'you need to learn to trust me again, I am with you constantly, I am not doing anything behind your back & I am not talking to any more women.' I just cant help it though, I feel so betrayed & broken! I never worried that he would do something like he did, and since I found out he did, its tearing me up inside. I really don't believe that he physically cheated, but even if he didn't physically cheat, he emotionally cheated on me, he was intimate w them, he looked at their bodies & commented on them & he told them he wasn't happy. It still hurts. I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to be a pushover & dumbass either.
(see comments for the rest.. it only let me post so much)

[comfortablynumb]

Its been about two weeks since I looked at his phone, I am trying to stop, and to trust him. Yesterday afternoon he got up for work & I made a comment about one of the women, it was minor but it ended up escalating into a huge argument & he left for work pissed off. I am going to try to post the conversation with this post so you can see how the conversation went after he left yesterday. Anyway... of course I know what most of you will say, I am an idiot & shouldve left him a long time ago. I really do love him, and I know he loves me too. He is not used to relationships. His longest before me was only 9 months long. He is almost 38 years old. I am not looking to be yanked around, I want something serious, I want to trust him again. Trust is hard to get back, I understand that, it can make or break a couple. I need to know how to trust him again. I want us to work on our relationship. He gets mad at me because I get mad at him for something he did in the first place. I am just afraid its going to be unfixable & drive us apart, and I don't want that.
I decided I am not going to post the texts between him & I. But I will share a few texts that he sent me after this argument yesterday...

(below is his texts from yesterday.. )
'If I delete them, will you stop accusing me of this ? If that's all it takes, Ill do it. For both mine & your happiness something needs to give. I seriously cant deal with being accused of cheating every day. It is wearing on me. I am understanding but it is getting to be too much for me to handle every couple days. I like it even less than you do. Things like this concern me about our future. Sometimes its wonderful, then this. I worry about my levels of stress. This is putting me somewhere I have never been stress related. I don't want to die of a heart attack. This is not the way a relationship should be. I seriously have been feeling kind of ill and I think its stress related. Sadly I think the stress will kill me before you can get past this. I want to try to keep us together but I will reach my limits soon. Then we have to do what's best for both of us. I don't want that but I don't want to die either. Or continue living like this. I fear you will always be insecure and never get over this. Which means it will always be the same old thing. I don't want either one of us to live like this. This is my only gripe about our relationship. After today's debacle, I feel like the walls closed in on me even more. I cant be alone, I cant get up early, I cant do anything without raising suspicion. This is typically when my relationships end. I cannot live like this. I screwed up before by texting them. I have been ever so careful to make you feel better. I have NOT talked, texted or had ANY communication of any type with any girls but clearly that doesn't matter to you. You're the only one that determines where we go from here. I am getting resentful I don't want to be gone beyond repair. I do love you. I understand I started this mess but you won't let it go and keep going after my throat. Ive stopped doing what I was doing. This has to stop. You're the only one who can make that happen. I don't want to lose you but bear in mind, I think after this, my resentment will start to become permanent, making us harder to build.'

That was his texts from yesterday... after the argument. Advice?

[Fr_Chuck]

It is about over, since your lack of trust make you snoop and now you can't stop asking and talking about it.

You need to be honest, and if it is to work, get into counseling. With him

[talaniman]

I and others were pretty clear in pointing out in your other question that you both had issues that fed the worst in each other, and saw no way this would work, despite you both wanting to stay together. I still feel the same way as before, that things will get worse, but unless you both agree to couples counseling I see NO WAY either of you can make the changes needed to work together to resolve your personal and shared issues.

Two unhealthy people cannot make a healthy relationship without a lot of help, so get it.

[CravenMorhead]

To put it short. It is over. Dead. Kaput. No way to go forward with this. You can read it in his message. Neither of you admit it and would rather try to make this work when it can't because something broke is better then nothing.

This is quite common in my opinion. We're such social creatures that we want to paired and together with other people. This modern world disconnects us so badly from other people, under the guise of connecting (Ie Facebook, Texting, etc... ), that we're alone most the time and need that experience of being with someone, even if it is functionally retarded. I have seen a metric buttload of relationships that shouldn't be just because both were comfortable and afraid of being alone.

The base issues here are many:
1). You don't trust him.
2). He abuses you.
3). He doesn't trust you.
4). He is trying to change himself just so you don't get angry.
5). You're not happy
6). He's not happy.

Seriously, if your Bestie told you this story, what would you tell her?

He's checked out, you can tell by the text message, and you've checked out. You've taken your stuff out of his place. Just end it and work on yourself for a little bit.

[J_9]

I agree with what everyone else said, but I'm going to put a different spin on it.

You have children who are exposed to this. Boys? Girls? One of each? Think about what you are exposing them to. Daughters will be raised to believe that this is normal and will end up finding themselves in abusive relationships. Sone will be raised to believe that this is normal and will end up being the abusers.

Is is that what you want for your children? You are supposed to be a role model, raise them in a healthy relationship. This relationship, though, is anything BUT, healthy. It is abusive from his side, and manipulative on both of your parts. It's time for you to get out of relationships for a while, stop focusing on you and your needs, and start focusing on raising physically, mentally, and emotionally healthy children.

What would you tell your daughter if she came to you with this scenario of her relationship?

[joypulv]

My advice is to learn how to gather your thoughts. You, like most people who fail at relationships, give detailed descriptions of what happened, but don't summarize it, analyze it, or draw conclusions from it. Truthfully most strangers online don't want to read it (which I doubt you would either). I read about half of the first part.

A good couple counselor will teach you how to communicate, corny and trite though that sounds. He or she won't pass judgment. No right or wrong (unless something criminal is going on). It's like going to school, with exercises to do, maybe on paper. It might start with writing down what you WANT from your partner. What you NEED in another column. You may not say anything negative, such as "I want you to stop talking to other women." You say "I want to know if you can tell me about women you talk with, and what your limits to that you have." HE makes a list too. Want to try it yourselves? It doesn't mean you'll stay together. After you have your lists, you make more lists that solve what you need from each other. Some of it will be trading, compromise, negotiation. It can even be funny if you let it, like 2 kids trading Halloween candy.

After all.... he went out to buy baseballs to play with YOUR SON!