[comfortablynumb]

I would like to start by giving a little background so that its easier to understand & give advice...

My boyfriend (age 37) & I (age 34) have been together for just over a year. I have known his family a long time but didn't really know my boyfriend because he was older & was out of HS before I got to HS. I graduated with his younger sister. Anyway, I am recently divorced with two children. My boyfriend has never been married & has no children. We started talking recently after my ex & I separated. Things picked up rather quickly though I doubt either of us would complain. I live with him now. I stayed with him for awhile after my ex & I separated until I got my own apartment to be closer to my kids school.
I really care about & love my boyfriend a lot, and he's wonderful with my kids, he is especially close with my youngest son who is 5. There are certain things that have been bothering me though about my boyfriend that I am trying to make sense of, analyzing, trying to find out if I am the cause.

He has a very strong alpha-male personality, whereas I am pretty vulnerable, gullible & sensitive. I know now that if I say something that sounds like I am mocking my boyfriend or sarcastic, i.e.. He asks me something & I respond with "yes" but in "duh" way/voice, he gets very angry & will tell me not to talk like that to him again. But he will respond that way to me all day long. If I am stressed or anxious about something & turn to him, he tells me I stress him out & that he doesn't want to talk about what I am stressed or anxious about because he says I am going to do what I want anyway, and if I continue to talk to him about it- he gets angry. He puts me down in front of others, to make them laugh. He will always find things to pick on about me- a zit, the fact I some hair above my upper lip (I am italian), my hair, he says I remind him of Al Bundy's wife in Married with Children", he says I walk like a dinosaur, that I am a terrible driver, that I dont make sense. He finds that bad in all of me, its like a hammer constantly hammering me into the ground until I just disappear. I am self-conscious tho he will tell me from time to time that he likes my natural beauty. I get to the point lately where I shut off & don't talk just to save myself from being degraded or belittled by his remarks no matter what I say or do. And when I do shut off, he will say things like "so you're mad at me now huh? You're not going to talk to me anymore? I pissed you off?" but he says it in the tone that hes not concerned, but like it was his goal to get under my skin. I get him a Valentines Day card, he didn't get me one but says to me after he reads my card to him "happy valentines day- I helped you move out of your apartment last weekend'. He jokes though sometimes I worry he is not joking, about not ever marrying me. Though on a good day we will talk about the future. We are currently looking for houses together. Every one I point out, he finds something wrong with it though. I wish I could think of everything that has happened, but this is the short version I guess.

Last weekend my kids were over, they were in the living room, my boyfriend & I were in the bedroom. He was laying on his bed playing on his phone, and I was complaining about things were the living situation with me & the kids there (his house is very small & he has 4 roommates!). He started telling me all I do is & complain. I said to him that he is all I have to turn to when I am upset, need to vent, need someone to talk to. I even told him that he never wants to cuddle EVER & how that bothers me & that I should be able to come to him when there is something wrong. Immediately he jumped out of bed like a bear, starting almost roaring in this rage of anger, stormed past me, slammed open his bedroom door so hard it put a hole in the wall & then turned towards his bedroom door, raised his fist & roared again & flung open the front door so hard he ripped the door knob off. (In front of my kids). I was so shaken up, I sat crying in his bathroom, on the floor, against the door. After ten minutes he came back in the house & tried to open the bathroom door & said "see what you do! when you dont stop nagging me, you make me turn into that, you don't listen when I tell you stop!" I didn't say a word. He went back outside, and I came out into the living room, grabbed my kids & tried to get out the front door but couldn't because he broke the knob, finally after much trying to break the door down so that I could get out, he opened it, and I rushed the kids in the car (my kids didn't put much thought into it, I guess they weren't paying much attention to the situation). I went to get into my car after getting my kids in, and my boyfriend called me over to him to talk for a minute. I grabbed my cell phone, left my cars drivers side door open just in case, & went over to him & stood 15 feet or so from him. He said "what, are you scared?" I told him I was a little, that he really freaked me out. He said, "what, do you think I am gonna hit you?" When I didn't answer, he told me that he would never hit me, but that I make him angry sometimes & that its all my fault. He said he has never hit a woman in his life & that if I think he will hit me that maybe we should break up then.

We didn't end up breaking up. But things are still the way they were since last weekend. I don't feel first when I am around him, I feel on eggshells, he makes me feel so uncertain of his thoughts & feelings, like maybe I am not good enough yet other times he will just randomly surprise me with a hug & kiss. His siblings have told me in the past he has a temper. I have only seen his temper one other time before, when we were in the car driving, and his roommate pissed him off on the phone, so when they hung up my boyfriend said "I am so mad I could just start punching anyone around me"... I was the only one in the car with him. Nothing happened though.

My boyfriend has PTSD, from a shooting while he was at work, someone he worked with was shot & killed near him about 6 years ago. He has been on meds & therapy in the past, but hasn't been in over a year.
Anyway... thoughts please...

One other thing- my boyfriend keeps saying he wants me to only work part-time or be a stay at home mother if we can afford it. I am all for that considering I have been a stay at home mother before & love & miss it. But not sure he is saying it for other reasons.

[J_9]

Darlin', your boyfriend isn't confusing. He's controlling and abusive. You need to get out of there sooner rather than later. By staying with him you will risk losing your children completely when it is found what kind of environment you are exposing them to.

Run, don't walk, as fast and as far as possible.

[talaniman]

Your traumatized guy is traumatizing you and your kids and if you are that desperate of course it will get worse. Only an abusive control freak blames you for his impulsive temper and lack of patience or empathy and yes anything he says or does is designed to keep you his docile victim.

Is that the life you want for you and your kids? Or the example you want them to learn about how to interact and behave? I find it sad you think this behavior is normal or even healthy, but only you can change where and who you and your kids live with, or see the reality of your situation.

Sorry he is no alpha male, but a cruel slave master who whips you emotionally and uses your fear of struggling alone to keep you in line. Why can't you see that, or do something about this trap you are in?

My advice is for you to seek a better way of life without him in it.

[joypulv]

I find your story refreshing, given much of what I read here, because you describe BOTH of you equally well!
You covered his drawbacks, and then covered yours - a rare event.
Seems to me that you aren't well suited to each other, unless you are both willing to do a ton of work. I don't see how you can do anything while you are living with his 4 roommates and your kids (2 or more, you don't say). It was a huge mistake to move in to that situation.

If you can't afford counseling, do this: sit down alone or together and write down your expectations of him, and he writes down his of you. E.g.: you want cuddling, you want to vent, you want him to stop putting you down in front of anyone else. I'm sure there's more. He may not be able to express himself as well as you do (common enough for men), so if you can do it together and KEEP CALM and completely non-judgmental during the process, do so. Pretend you are sitting in front of a professional.

Then you get together like two horse traders or sports teams doing first round draft picks. You negotiate, compromise, and make trades. 20 minutes of cuddling 4 times a week, in exchange for no negative words allowed then or for 2 hours afterwards. And so on. DRAGGING UP SPECIFIC SITUATIONS IS NOT ALLOWED during all this. One-liner wishes only, in the left column, with suggested solutions/trades in the right column.

I wish I had done that. My ex moped while I vented. We never actually fought. When he dumped me after 13 years, I didn't see it coming.

GET THAT HOUSE ASAP!!! Have an agent and scour zillow.

[DoulaLC]

Comfortablynumb,

Read what you have written... and also keep in mind the things you haven't shared, and answer this: what would you tell your daughter, sister, or best friend to do if they shared the same concerns with you?


I think you already know what needs to be done; what you likely think about everyday, but it does sometimes help to have others confirm it.


Listen to what the others have said... don't remain just comfortablynumb... That is not living the life you want and certainly not what you want for your children to see or live as well.