[maya H]

2-2-16 excerpt
I've been so disgusted with myself that I've been trying to find ways to punish myself without anyone noticing. Beating myself with a belt, cutting, punching myself. If I am successful and do damage there is no way to hide it though, especially if we do end up getting to go swimming. That's why I haven't done anything except play with the thought. So I guess it's good that something is stopping me, but what would have happened if I didn't have that 'safe net'?
If I'm honest I've also been thinking a lot about the hospital and whether it might be helpful. At one moment I think it might help but I don't want to present problems to go because I hate it; and the next I feel fine and am completely miserable at the thought of going.

Last time I did all this I seriously had a problem but I exaggerated it to get attention. This time though I don't want the attention. I don't even want to face these problems, because I REALLY don't want to go to the hospital. In fact I'm even contemplating erasing this after I write it so that no one knows what going through my head.
I am beating myself up emotionally right now. I just don't have the strength and motivation to try to change it. There's nothing anyone can to do to help or change it either. I'm in a hole and daze that I can't seem to get out of. I don't want to be this way or feel this way but I feel hopeless. Like nothing is ever going to change. Mom's mentioned not working on trauma because I feel this way, but how am I ever going to get better if I don't at least try to face this?

I'm sorry that I've been so emotional and depressed, but in a way I can't help it. I have the tools but I keep giving up on them because I get more depressed when I hit a high and fall again. I'm sorry for the lying but like I keep saying I don't have the guts to tell the truth, consequences are not my motivation, I'm used to that. I have these thoughts of punishing myself. I don't want them but in a way I feel like I need and miss them because I'm not used to happiness. Maybe this is all my body's way of restoring 'natural' order, even though I know deep down that I don't want it. I just want to be happy and feel like I can express my inner, real self.

2-12-16
I'm writing this to say some of the things I'm feeling and that I've noticed. I used to think that not taking my medicine had no effect but it does because I'm more prone to get upset then normal. Over all I get upset and my mood changes drastically in a matter of minutes, sometimes I don't even know why. I seem to have 3 mood ranges and I've experienced all of them in the past week, and all on Wednesday. Depressed/angry/upset, normal/happy, and joyful/crazy/almost on a high feeling. The last I seem to only express by myself or with Danika. I don't show this one because it's embarrassing.

I seem to get upset with almost everything mom says to me about me messing up. I know that that is partly a teen thing, but I take it way too far especially since I'm not even in trouble. I don't want to but I still feel that feeling of punishing myself for these things. Getting offended, not obeying mom, and lying are all things that I “beat myself up' about. I do this by talking down on myself, threatening to hurt myself, and forcing myself to sleep less.

I've also noticed how intense my flashbacks have become they seem to be getting worse. In the last 2 days I have 2 examples. The first on Wednesday, When I didn't volunteer to help I didn't think it would be a big deal but it was. The way mom commented and told us to help her was a trigger and made me have a flashback. At first it was just my mind racing but when we went out to the kitchen and she started serving the way she turned around sent me into a frenzy. My heart started racing and I had trouble breathing because all I kept seeing was her hitting me in the face for not helping. The second example was also when mom was serving dinner yesterday. I didn't understand that she was putting 2 scoops of green beans on a plate at once I thought it would be one on each then continue to seconds, so it was a simple misunderstanding. But when she started to get upset I just kept seeing her hitting me and throwing the plates to make a disaster because I wasn't communicating and I misunderstood her. It isn't mom's fault for all this I know that but sometimes I have to sit down and process all of this before I can tell her and if I don't then I forget and I'm not able to tell her. I feel like everything is a trigger and I don't want it to be, but when they start making me feel like this, it's harder to change it.

So this is just some of my feelings. I don't even know if you need to know this or if you can help, but it's easier for me than trying to get my thoughts in order and tell you all of this without forgetting something.

[joypulv]

OK, fortunately this is really only half as long as it looks because you duplicated it.
Maya, this is not helping us understand you and your situation much at all. It's a bunch of recent events that just seem trivial on the face of it, except for reference to flashbacks and feeling suicidal and previous hospitalization.
Anyone having flashbacks needs therapy, and you don't mention any, unless Danika is a therapist. You toss that name out with no reference. Your title mentions a psychiatrist - you need a therapist, someone trained in counseling, and who doesn't cost your insurance nearly as much as the psych, whose job is to decide on medications.
I know you are just a teen, and I am expecting a LOT by asking this, but I hope you can work on a writing style that cuts down on the little incident descriptions. Spend more time writing about what how you feel and act MEANS. Here's a little writing project: how can you feel less guilty? We all feel it of course, but do you deserve such a heart wrenching feeling? It isn't even an emotion. It's a bunch of feelings like hurt and anger and sadness that got all warped, and it's wasted. It goes nowhere.

Meanwhile, all this is best for a therapist... we don't know your history that brought flashbacks, or your meds, or anything at all about you, other than some little events around the house.
I know therapy sessions can seem very very short when the rest of your time looms before you.
If you want to practice writing again, try something more cohesive and comprehensive. Keep it no longer than what you wrote here (not doubled), so edit it as much as it needs to be for strangers. We don't 'know' you, so help us to!