[jessthequeenbee]

This is my first post and I am a little nervous about it. Here is my situation: I am a single mom of 2 girls, they are 13 and 16. I was 17 when I had the first one and have never been mother of the year. I was not an awful mother mind you, it's just that I was very young and had lots of growing to do myself. I was in an abusive relationship for a while when my oldest was around age 5, he did not live with us but she still saw the control he had and she hated him with a passion, she also saw that for a while he came first. That lasted about 1 1/2 years. I also partied a bit from about 21-23 and our lives were kind of a mess. We moved when she was 6 and life changed, no parties, no dating for me at all. For 6 years we lived in one place and I went to college and worked hard. Me and the oldest had a lot of fights, since day one she has been difficult. Her dad has never been involved, he tried once or twice but it never stuck. We moved with my parents into a duplex and then they bought a house and we live there. Well about 6 months ago I started a relationship and we would like to move together in November, we will have been together more than a year. My oldest is flipping out, saying she hates me, everyone in my family hates me because I am different now and that she will never move in with me. She (and my older sister) keep telling me I am choosing my new relationship over her. I told her my partner is not going to try to parent and that we would stay in our neighborhood, her school would remain the same, she will still have her own room etc. She says she won't go, she said f**k you. I don't know what to do. This is the first healthy relationship I have had, ever! Living with my parents is just not working at age 33, they are emotionally screwed up. Am I being selfish??
Can I force her to move with me? What if she won't? This anger toward me is not new, it just gets more painful as she gets older. I have probably been too permissive because I felt guilty for her dad not being around and not having a lot of money? Is it too late to discipline at 16? She just threatens to run away, I am frustrated and very scared! We tried counseling a few times, but she won't talk and now says she won't go back. HELP!!

[Samloveskyle]

Well... Coming from a 16 yr old, its never to late to discipline. You are not being selfish your doing what makes you happy. Everyone deserves to be happy.. you never know this could be the one.. She's probably mad because she thinks that you won't let her get by with much of anything. Having a man in the house and all.. Take her out to eat, tell her how happy you are and how much you love him. Tell her that you think that she is the one being selfish. If she wanted to be with a guy and was in love.. you would never take that away from her. Because that's all you want in her life and in yours is for both of you to be happy. Hope I'm some help.. tell me how it goes

[Fr_Chuck]

IT is hard to say, you really did not say much about your relationship with your new partner but I would say it sounds like a lot more there for the family than you are telling us.

As for the teenagers, I am not sure that maybe they should stay with your parents and you can work on building a relationship with them. I seem that perhaps they have not be a center of your life in building a relatoinship with them.

[StephAnne04]

I'm pretty much in your daughter's shoes. My mother has always put the men in her life before me and my siblings. I did it too with my own daughter for a while until I got some help.
I'm 20 now and am trying to learn how to do this without a guy. Anyway, I wanted to give you the opinon of someone on the other side.

It kind of sounds like your daughter is scared that what happened in the past will happen again. She wants you to love her and doesn't want to be second in your life. Seeing as she is your kid, I think that is a pretty fair request.

However, that being said, that doesn't mean you can't ever be with a man again.

If I were her, I would love for my mother to sit down with me (calmly) and ask what is really wrong. Don't accuse her of being selfish or anything like that. It will only make her mad and shut you out. I would just ask her why she feels the way she does and REALLY listen to what she says and take it into consideration. Don't come back with the "But what about me? Don't I deserve happiness?" attitude. She has to know that you really care about what she is feeling and what she thinks. I would talk to her about your feelings as well and just put them out there. She's your daughter, so of course she wants you to be happy too, but she's afraid of being left in the dust.

Whatever you decide, make sure you keep her as a big part of your life. Make sure realizes how much you love her, Make sure she knows that her feelings are valid and you do value her opionon. Ignoring her is the worst thing you can do right now.

I really hope this helps you and good luck. :)

[louie1]

Your daughter is being very selfish and acting like a spolit brat.
You have always put her first and she cannot handle the fact that just for once you are thinking of you!

Mine have not reached that age yet so I am probably not the best to advise but I would say keep in your mind that within a couple of years your daughter will be leading her own life and looking for her own path in the big wide world do not let her spoil your chance.

Call her bluff explain that you love her deeply but do not like her behaviour at the moment as it comes across as very childish, you are her mum and will always be there for her but this is your life and you have to put your needs into the equation.

If push comes to shove could she not stay with your mum until she finishes school?

[vlee]

She is 16, so yeah, unless your parents fight for custody or your daughter is emancipated, she has to do whatever you tell her. Bear in mind, forcing her will not improve your relationship with her. She has had stability since living with you and your parents together, and has probably grown as attached to them as to you. It's almost like having divorcing parents. Most older kids want to stay in the home they already have, with their friends and school and their familiar bedroom, etc... Have you thought about family counseling for the two of you? I think you should try to repair your relationship, but you still have a right to be with this man. Good luck.

[Lez]

This is my first post and I am a little nervous about it. Here is my situation: I am a single mom of 2 girls, they are 13 and 16. I was 17 when I had the first one and have never been mother of the year. I was not an awful mother mind you, it's just that I was very young and had lots of growing to do myself. I was in an abusive relationship for a while when my oldest was around age 5, he did not live with us but she still saw the control he had and she hated him with a passion, she also saw that for a while he came first. That lasted about 1 1/2 years. I also partied a bit from about 21-23 and our lives were kind of a mess. We moved when she was 6 and life changed, no parties, no dating for me at all. For 6 years we lived in one place and I went to college and worked hard. Me and the oldest had a lot of fights, since day one she has been difficult. Her dad has never been involved, he tried once or twice but it never stuck. We moved with my parents into a duplex and then they bought a house and we live there. Well about 6 months ago I started a relationship and we would like to move together in November, we will have been together more than a year. My oldest is flipping out, saying she hates me, everyone in my family hates me because I am different now and that she will never move in with me. She (and my older sister) keep telling me I am choosing my new relationship over her. I told her my partner is not going to try to parent and that we would stay in our neighborhood, her school would remain the same, she will still have her own room etc. She says she won't go, she said f**k you. I don't know what to do. This is the first healthy relationship I have had, ever! Living with my parents is just not working at age 33, they are emotionally screwed up. Am I being selfish????
Can I force her to move with me? What if she won't? This anger toward me is not new, it just gets more painful as she gets older. I have probably been too permissive because I felt guilty for her dad not being around and not having a lot of money? Is it too late to discipline at 16? She just threatens to run away, I am frustrated and very scared! We tried counseling a few times, but she won't talk and now says she won't go back. HELP!!!!

Hiya sound like daughter has a loy of issus that are from her past and her child hood that she needs to talk about. Do you ever get the chance to sit down with her one on one and talk about things and hear each others side of the story. Try just you and her going out for the day and enjoying yourselves spend some quality time togeather she may feel like she is in the background of all this and with everything that has happened in the past and moving round she probley don't feel very insecure. She may also be looking for reasons things went and why they are and be looking to blame someone and that nearest person might be you and that's why she is the way she is with you. Ask her about all the things you want to know but try and hear her side of things first.
I hope you get things sorted.
Lez x

[positiveparent]

Firstly StephAnne you are so very wise and mature for your years and the advice you have offered here is excellent. You truly seem to have a grasp on life, WELL DONE.

I agree that to call her selfish isn't going to be productive, in your eyes you may feel she is being selfish, but in hers she's feeling insecure and possibly threatened.

Sit down talk to her not at her, ask her what she is objecting to and why, reassure her that you love and care for her, and always will, be her friend.

Listen really listen to what she has to say to you.

Have your children met your new boyfriend? Perhaps they need to if they haven't.

I wish you love and luck.

[milliekyddx]

It is really hard having a sixteen year old daughter because I have got a sister and she is sixteen but I don't have nothing to do with her at all because she does not want me in her life now because off what I did lolxxx

[milliekyddx]

I think that this is a really good idea to be on this website about all these things.xxx

[JudyKayTee]

This is an old post. There are more current issues to be addressed. This is also a Q&A site, not a chatboard.