[iAMfromHuntersBar]

All right everyone,

Just looking for a little bit of input on this situation, not sure how to go about resolving this;

Me and my girlfriend live together, and have a very happy stress-free life, we have enough money to get by and have nights out and treats, generally life is great.

However a couple of my girlfriend's family members are a little mental, specifically her older sister, who has a small child, little money, a job she dislikes and a failed marriage.

Whenever she calls she never fails to upset or stress out my girlfriend, many times she's been in tears because of stuff her sister has said, like when my lass was stressing over a big university essay she said

"What's the point in going to uni, you won't get anything out of it!"

Things came to a head last weekend when she came to visit.

Firstly she decided to swap the day she was visiting at the last minute, totally wrecking our plans for the weekend.

When she turned up she made hurtful comments about my girlfriend's weight, the cleanliness of our flat and the way we live.

Her child fell over and hurt herself and she went off the handle, blaming my girlfriend because they were supposedly very tired from the journey. In short, my girlfriend was in tears again and I was very, very annoyed.

She basically ruined our Easter weekend and left us both feeling drained and stressed!

So... anyway, I don't EVER want her in our home again, and I've told my girlfriend this, but I fear she may buckle under pressure.

Would it be wrong for me to tell her sister straight out that I don't like her attitude and don't want her in our flat again?

Thanks for your time, help and input!

J

[iAMfromHuntersBar]

*bumps*

Anyone! Lol!

[Krs]

How would u feel if you had to have a word with her sister?
Obviously thou inform your girlfriend!

[iAMfromHuntersBar]

I wouldn't know how to put it?

She's the sort of person who will do or say something very hurtful, and then when you react or protest she acts even MORE hurt that you're offended!

Yeah, I'd tell my girlfriend before I said anything to her!

[Krs]

I would really limit myself to see her, especially due to all the stress she is causing upon your girlfriend.
You mentioned your girlfriend is at uni, well, she doesn't need extra stress especially from a family member such as her sister!

You could put it in a way - don't attack her sister, but through a guilt trip maybe! She how she reacts.. It's a tricky one!

[iAMfromHuntersBar]

The worst thing of it is my girlfriend keeps apologising for her sister's behaviour! I can't seem to make her understand it's not her fault that her sister is a nut-job!

The thing is, I don't want to just avoid her, or pretend to be busy whenever she wants to visit, I really want her to understand how much stress she puts us through, and unless she changes she's not welcome in my home!

[Krs]

Then speak to her (the sister)
Or maybe you and your girlfriend should her down together and have a good word and put some sense through that thick head of hers.

[aloneinMD]

Maybe if you both sit down with her and tell her how you feel it would help. It sounds like she is jealous that your girlfriend is making something of her life, and she wants her to be as miserable as she is. She is in a happy relationship, she does not have a child attached to her hip, she is getting an education. I have a friend that always tries to call me and make me miserable, like her... what I have done is just backed off on the conversations and kept my distance. Now we are not as close as we used to be, but I still have her in my life. When we do talk it isn't so gloomy because I do not give her the time ramble on.

[louie1]

Ok firstly the thing your "Lass" must keep in her mind is that her older sister is purely jealous of her success. The spiteful little comments re uni , weight, your home is pure green eyed monster.

With this in mind I would say that it would be kinder to keep the sister on a long lead i.e. visits a few and far between and short and sweet.

You do not need to rub "salt in the wound" by talking to her she is already unhappy with "her lot" and this may create bad feeling with other family members.

Take everything she says with a "bucket of salt" remembering that she is a "green eyed monster"

Good luck in all you do!!

[Lillian42]

I would try not to see her as much as possible but she is your girlfriends family so you are kind of stuck with her you cannot expect your girlfriend to to see her. But your girlfriend should maybe try to spend less time with her if she makes her feel like that or maybe she should try talking to her.

[NowWhat]

Okay, I have an overbearing sister. She doesn't put me down or anything - but you always know what she is thinking.
My husband gets frustrated with her because if I make a decision and she doesn't think it is the right one - I know about it. It can cause stress.
With my sister though, she is working on her issue with bluntness and is really getting better.
The problem here is that if you go to the sister - you are going to look like a controlling boyfriend. Your girlfriend really needs to do this - I would recommend that you be there for support or to speak up when the sister starts to bully. If this doesn't come from your girlfriend - I don't think things would change. Maybe if your girlfriend sat down to write a letter? It can be intimidating with someone who is so negative to sit face to face.

[lacuran8626]

I had a difficult relationship with my former sister in law that was similar in a lot of ways.

When she visited, usually for extended weekends with her husband and infant dauhter, she treated me to endless insults, inconsiderations and childish behaviors that permeated the entire experience. She acted like she was entitled to have more than, different than and better than we had to offer at everyturn.

Her demands were crazy. She'd want pickled beets to have with her sandwich (what?), or chopped pistacios to put on her sundea (I was serving pie). When I put pork chops on the grill she lamented for a half hour about why I was so stupid - she wanted steak and how could I not have steak? I can't have caffein and my husband hated coffee, so she of course crabbed that I was only serving decaf. She tried to browbeat me into making some weird cake recipe she had read about - I had two pies and we were only 5 people. Of my two guest rooms, she preffered the one without a reading lamp, so then crabbed for about 2 hours that there was no lamp. I finally said very angrily, "this is not the dark age. There are countless lamps around the house and you may read near any one of them you chose. You may not move a lamp and I have no additional lamps. " She kept it up further at which point I told her, "Mary, the street lamps will be on in a few moments and if you don't drop this, you will be reading beneath one of them." She laughed and the moment I went to bed, she went to my living room and took the end table lamp - which she damaged in the process.

The next day, I called the Holiday Inn. I got off the phone with my notes and advised her that they have several rooms available, free caffeinated coffee in the rooms, and a restaurant on site with several different kinds of meat and desserts.

She left with her family in a huff. The extended family came to know this as the "great Come to Jesus moment". It didn't end the behaviors, but it did end them in my house.

Moral of the story - don't tolerate it. Discontinue tolerance of the behavior but do what you can to support your girlfriend's desire to remain close with her sister - or at least to continue trying.

[iAMfromHuntersBar]

I had a difficult relationship with my former sister in law that was similar in a lot of ways. ...

Lacuran... are you sure we aren't talking about the same person! Lol!

I left out a few examples from the first post, but I'll add them to show how similar they are!

Before she arrived, she demanded we find a pub to have Sunday lunch in - then when it came to it she changed her mind and said she'd far rather do something else!

So I cooked, from scratch, as we almost always do (I love cooking!), she stood and watched me peel potatoes, chop them and parboil them ready to mash, whilst explaining that her kitchen was bigger than ours and how she couldn't imagine how we live without a microwave (we hate microwave food!).

I served up the food, when she looked at me, horrified and said
"This mash isn't instant is it?!"
I bit my lip and just said,
"No, I made it!"

Oh, and she also said how much her eyes were hurting because of how dusty our flat was!

Just a couple of examples from a LONG weekend!

:D

[lacuran8626]

I know this has been a while, but I did learn over time to just dish it back with humor and I also learned that if she said something embarrassing to me in front of others, I would respond with a simple, "I don't know why you would say such a nasty thing but let's change the subject". With that, others would jump in and say, "Really, Mary - that's not very kind". She never saw the light, but at least I got the last word.

[Homegirl 50]

When she comes to visit it is at your place. You live there too. I would tell the sister you don't appreciate her rudeness. That she is not welcomed there unless she can be more civil. I doubt your girl friend has the guts to do it, but she may appreciate your doing it.
She is not only disrespecting her sister, but she is disrespecting you in your place. You have every right to say something to her.

[iAMfromHuntersBar]

Hi guys, thanks for your answers! We've managed to avoid her for the past few months, so it's all been sweet! Yay!

I like the idea of 'outing' her every time she says something nasty though!

[Homegirl 50]

Oh yeah, out her. Otherwise she thinks that what she does is OK and will continue to do it. Put her in her place a couple of times and she'll get the message. She'll either straighten up or stop coming over. Either way, you win.