[NeedingAdvice]

Hi,

4/11/07
Right now I am sitting at home my son asleep and my wife just called me from her conference in Vegas to tell me she was going out to gamble with 5 co-workers and one of them is the guy she had an affair with. How am I supposed to react? How am I supposed to feel? Can I tell her this isn't appropriate?

4/12/07
It gets better... I spoke to her last night it started good and ended WAY BAD! I didn’t get to sleep until after 4pm. So my wife as you know has been telling me, both of my therapists and my mom have been telling me what I need to do to make us work; however, My wife says that I am not doing what they are all telling me. What she says is that I need to trust her and not to live in fear that she will leave me and stop worrying about the guy. She says by continuing to bring him up and focus on him the more he becomes a focus for her. She says the focus goes away from us and is on him.

How do I get rid of these?

She says that it is always something… that there is always something that I am worried or stressed about and she doesn’t like it.

Now… my real question.

Last night my wife and 5 guys went gambling after dinner. They were out until 1:30am. Yes, the man was one of the five. Now my wife told me there was a little time when the guy and her were alone as everyone else dispersed and did their own thing which typically happens. My wife chose to stay with the guy. Now… here is my issue. I have been getting used to the fact they have to work together; however, non-work related things/discussions I thought was not appropriate. She said there has been some personal conversations with him… to what extent, I don’t know. (BTW... she told me all of this.) Seriously I don’t think this is right. She thinks it OK to do things with him as long as it doesn’t jeopardize our relationship. She says if they want to get a coffee together that I should be OK with it. She says that I should be fine with them going to get coffee together and that I should be fine if they are alone as long as she holds true to loving me. I don’t feel comfortable about this.

Am I off base… should I be OK with her request?

I feel like all the responsibility is on me to change. So she has stopped kissing him, holding his hands, building a relationship, stopped taking him the train… Aren’t these a must?

How can rebuild trust when she is doing NON work related things with him?


Thanks,
P

[Krs]

The question is :- how do YOU feel about it?

[NeedingAdvice]

The question is :- how do YOU feel about it?

I don't know... Mad, Frustrated, Hurt, Vunerable. Pretty gross right now!

[Krs]

Well I honestly don't blame you, I would feel exactly the same.
You gave your wife a 2nd chance, I think its only fair that she stays away from this guy.

I would make a point of it, yes. You have every right too.

[Jiser]

Communication, make sure you are honest with her, if she doesn't respect your feelings.. Then I think maybe you know what to do.

[JoeCanada76]

If you are concerned about her past affair and you can not trust her. You can not move past what happen then I already think you know what is the best thing to do. I know it may be hard with a child but children can pick up on when a parent is not happy.

Joe

[JoeCanada76]

If you feel gross and mad , etc... Did you guys ever go to counseling if so and it has not helped maybe a divorce is due?

[NeedingAdvice]

Well i honestly dont blame you, i would feel exactly the same.
You gave your wife a 2nd chance, i think its only fair that she stays away from this guy.

I would make a point of it, yes. You have every right too.

I just got off the phone with her and she says that I have to start trusting her that she wants to be with me. And if I can't do that and I continue to worry that there is something going on then we won't be able to move forward. I don't know what to do!!

[NeedingAdvice]

Communication, make sure you are honest with her, if she doesn't respect your feelings...? Then I think maybe you know what to do.

I am honest with her... She says that she is sorry that she has to work with him. She says that shouldn't matter and what should matter is that she wants to be with me and that she will not make the same mistake twice. How do I trust her?

[NeedingAdvice]

If you are concerned about her past affair and you can not trust her. You can not move past what happen then I already think you know what is the best thing to do. I know it may be hard with a child but children can pick up on when a parent is not happy.

Joe

She is telling me that I should trust her... My brother, mother and therapist are all saying trust her. It just seems too convienant and easy.

[NeedingAdvice]

If you feel gross and mad and etc...... Did you guys ever go to counseling if so and it has not helped maybe a divorce is due?

Yes... I have two counselers and we also go jointly. She just told me tonight that I should be OK if they are alone together as she would not jepordize our relationship. Should I trust her? The problem is they are really close as friends.

[Allheart]

Hi Needing,

Boy, I sure don't envy your position, or how you must feel.

I do think that, although her past behaviour does not deserve, you need to forgive and work together on trusting her again. With that said, SHE should be making the road to earning your trust easier and pain free as possible. Her being out on the road with the guy she cheated with is NOT helping her EARN back your trust.

Hmmmm seems everyone is putting all the responsibility squarely with you. Doesn't quite seem right does it.

First, if possible, in you heart and head, forgive her. Being able to trust her again, will mean you will have to let go of this past betrayal.

Counseling together may prove helpful. Let her know, by all means you will trust her again, but it is something that together you need to work on and that SHE has a role, and a big one at that, in gaining your trust back.

I do wish you all the best. Please don't feel bad about yourself for finding it hard to leave go and trust again. In your shoes, boy, it would take me a long time and a whole lot of loving convincing from my husband, before I was free from the fear of having him do it to me again.

My heart feels for you, but pick your head up, you did nothing and are not doing anything wrong.

I think you and the Mrs. need to have a chat and not while she is on the road. When she comes home. That regaining trust is something you both need to work on together.

My very best to you :)

[NeedingAdvice]

Hi Needing,

Boy, I sure don't envy your position, or how you must feel.

I do think that, although her past behaviour does not deserve, you need to forgive and work together on trusting her again. With that said, SHE should be making the road to earning your trust easier and pain free as possible. Her being out on the road with the guy she cheated with is NOT helping her EARN back your trust.

Hmmmm seems everyone is putting all the responsibility squarely with you. Doesn't quite seem right does it.

First, if possible, in you heart and head, forgive her. Being able to trust her again, will mean you will have to let go of this past betrayal.

Councelling together may prove helpful. Let her know, by all means you will trust her again, but it is something that together you need to work on and that SHE has a role, and a big one at that, in gaining your trust back.

I do wish you all the best. Please don't feel bad about yourself for finding it hard to leave go and trust again. In your shoes, boy, it would take me a long time and a whole lot of loving convincing from my husband, before I was free from the fear of having him do it to me again.

My heart feels for you, but pick your head up, you did nothing and are not doing anything wrong.

I think you and the Mrs. need to have a chat and not while she is on the road. When she comes home. That regaining trust is something you both need to work on together.

My very best to you :)

WOW... That is very insitefull! I don't know if I can trust her ever again. There are several parts of me that says that I can't; however, my love for her is still very strong. Should I be OK since my wife and the jerk can't and aren't getting new jobs soon that they will be in close quarter sometimes alone. In addition, as you may know co-workers go out when they are on the road. Should that be OK?

[Jiser]

It must be horrible for you. Without trust there is nothing. You gave her a 2nd chance, if she bugers up, that's her loss. So abide by your 2nd chance.

I know personally I wouldn't feel comfortable at all what so ever in your situation. But without the trust the insecurity fire will rage!

[talaniman]

It will take an awful long time to get your trust back, and given the present circumstances, it may take longer. I feel you are doing your part with the counseling, make sure she is doing her part. This is a two way street, and no one should expect you to just cave in and forgive as if nothing has happened. Work on the insecurity though even though its understandable and try and find peace. I think you have every right to expect her to EARN your trust back. If not..? What kind of job does she have where they are off partying in Vegas and your at home anyway??

[JoeCanada76]

I understand that you love her and that you want to try to make it work but at the same time you do not trust her. Honestly with two people working together, two people who had an affair together and two people being out together. Hmmm that I would question. I would also say if it happened before and they are in circumstances or situations where it could happen again or maybe it already did? How do you really know and there is no way of really finding out? Trust will take a long time to earn but she is not even making an effort. There most be other areas of work, other people she could work with to prove to you that she is doing her best to stay away from temptations. I agree, with allheart. This is being put on your shoulders and everybody is telling you, you should trust her.

Along with other people saying give her a second chanch, if you want and if she screws up then, say good bye. The question is do you think you will be able to build up that trust again. Is she worth it? These are questions you have to answer for yourself.

Best wishes for you bud.

Good luck and keep going to the counseling for both of you together and separately is important.

Now I am sure a lot of things would be a lot easier on you if they were not working together. She is also giving you an ultimatem by saying you have to trust me or things will not move forward. She is right in a way but you can not force somebody to feel a certain way. She needs to understand this takes time and if she loses her patience then you know it is not going to work.

Joe

[NeedingAdvice]

It must be horrible for you. Without trust there is nothing. You gave her a 2nd chance, if she bugers up, thats her loss. So abide by your 2nd chance.

I know personally I wouldn't feel comfortable at all what so ever in your situation. But without the trust the insecurity fire will rage!

Your right... however, I am feeling that I am asking her to change and controlling her. She hates to be controlled. I feel that she may leave me if I push too hard.

[NeedingAdvice]

It will take an awful long time to get your trust back, and given the present circumstances, it may take longer. I feel you are doing your part with the counseling, make sure she is doing her part. This is a two way street, and no one should expect you to just cave in and forgive as if nothing has happened. Work on the insecurity though even though its understandable and try and find peace. I think you have every right to expect her to EARN your trust back. If not ...........?????? What kind of job does she have where they are off partying in Vegas and your at home anyway????

She is in Marketing and she used to travel A LOT with this guy. They became extra close. What if she doesn't like the push and she is expecting me to get over it?

[mckenzie134]

I think you should trust her... and I believe the reason this may have happened in the first place was because of your insecurities. You can never blame yourself though she made the choice to do this. It may be hard but if you can cheat once you can do it again and again and again. If she was serious about mending the relationship she would cut all ties with this guy. She is just playing you for a fool.
\
I think you have to think if you had an affair with a lady aqnd then your wife new and you wanted her so much you would want to fix the marriage what is the first thing you would do... You would stop associating with the person you had the affair with. The only reason people keep speaking to them is because there is something there, sorry to be optomistic but don't now about that therapist saying trust her she did you over once this won't be the last time and I'm sure you feel that. Being the reason you can't trust her properly and that's understandable , They always say when someone cheats in arelationship[ they will do it again if given the chance and at the moment she has every opportunity and I tell you now this is the onlyt guy you know about.

Also if she really loved you and wanted to help she would not be in private with him...

WAKE UP... Tell her its over your best thing would be while she is in vegas pack up your stuff and get out make her wake your gone!!

[mckenzie134]

I think you should trust her... and I believe the reason this may have happened in the first place was because of your insecurities. You can never blame yourself though she made the choice to do this. It may be hard but if you can cheat once you can do it again and again and again. If she was serious about mending the relationship she would cut all ties with this guy. She is just playing you for a fool.
\
I think you have to think if you had an affair with a lady aqnd then your wife new and you wanted her so much you would want to fix the marriage what is the first thing you would do... You would stop associating with the person you had the affair with. The only reason people keep speaking to them is because there is something there, sorry to be optomistic but don't now about that therapist saying trust her she did you over once this won't be the last time and I'm sure you feel that. Being the reason you can't trust her properly and that's understandable , They always say when someone cheats in arelationship[ they will do it again if given the chance and at the moment she has every opportunity and I tell you now this is the onlyt guy you know about.

Also if she really loved you and wanted to help she would not be in private with him...

WAKE UP... Tell her its over your best thing would be while she is in vegas pack up your stuff and get out make her wake your gone!! You're a man not a mouse this other bloke he couldn't give too shis what's going on that's why his in... Get out and she will learn and have to makea choice...