[Krs]

I had my family over for easter. I bought all the food cooked it and we all decided to share the expenses.
Mum and her boyfriend haven't paid me yet!
I feel awkwared asking them for the money seeing as mums boyfriend is helping us with works in our apartment...
My husband said we need that money, and then we will treat him another way...
How do I go about it? :(
Shall I get my husband to ask mum for the money?

[Clough]

Awkward as it may be because of the boyfriend's help, I think that either you or your husband could ask for the money. After all, You did all agree with each other to share in the expenses.

They may have simply forgotten about their share in the expenses. The boyfriend helping out is just a separate issue.

I would just say something like "Hi! It was great that we could all get together for Easter and share a meal together. Don't you think so, too? I was just wondering if we could settle up on the expenses for our Easter meal together, since we all agreed to share in the expenses." "What do you think?" This is better and less aggressive, blaming or intimidating than saying something like, "You forgot to pay your share for the meal we had on Sunday. I would appreciate it if you would pay up."

If they bring up something like a barter, then say that not having the money leaves you tight right now, that you really appreciate the boyfriend's help with things and that you and your husband are planning on treating her boyfriend in some other way in the near future.

[Krs]

Thanks :)
Sounds good.

[lacuran8626]

I'd just act like nobody forgot - it just hadn't come up before, and let your mom know, "Oh, I figured out the costs for brunch and your share is $40 (or whatever the amount is). Thanks for offering to help pay for it - we're kind of strapped and it will really help. If there's anything we can do for you, please let us know."

If it becomes an issue let it go - even when you're strapped, money seems to be a fleeting issue and it's not worth ruining a family relationship. Then if you host next year, instead of sharing the cost, ask everyone to bring something and commit to what they are bringing in advance. If they don't bring it, it doesn't get served - period. Nothing needs to be said, it will be obvious to everyone.

A lot of families fall apart over stupid crap like this so don't make a federal case out of it, and let it go if it's not how you like it to be resolved - it's not worth it.

[NowWhat]

I like the above post. Just approach it like it is no big deal. "Oh, by the way..."

I am one of those people that always forgets things like that. It is one of my flaws. I now tell people - PLEASE REMIND ME - I WILL FORGET!

That reminds me, I owe my mom some money...

[kp2171]

And you might be cautious in the future... NOT that you did anything wrong.

Our family tries to have a bigger family dinner once or twice a month on Sunday. Cousins, in-laws. Could be a dozen and change. Two dozen now and then.

While we do occasionally ask people to bring things, we usually assume the cost. And then if someone chips in, lovely.

With one cousin in particular, he is really "forgetful" about sharing expenses. Probably half the time he'd forget. And id ask. Sometimes twice. Anymore I just plan on paying it all. I still may ask, but I budget for it all.

So maybe see how this goes and then next time count on doing it all... or maybe see if they'll buy and bring some things.

I know. Its more complicated than the easy way that you agreed upon.

Oh well. Got to love family.

[swirlgirl]

Just for future reference... ask for the money up front... say " Oh I am going to the grocery to buy the Easter dinner food...I can work around your schedule to drop by and pick up the $30 (or whatever amount you think it will be)...I will keep track and if your to get any money back when we divide it up, I will give it to you on Easter."

[lacuran8626]

Ths reminded me of kind of a funny thing that happened to me about 20 years ago... moral of the story? If you can't afford to, or don't want to, treat someone - don't. Follow Swirlgirls' brilliant plan and get the money up front. Takers can be very manipulative, but they usually will rely on you to meet them half way, using your good manners, caring demeanor, desire to help or whatever so that you become complicit in manipulating and cheating yourself! I learned that by simply not participating in being cheated, I had tremendous power.

I was a college student and had a boyfriend who had an uncanny ability to avoid paying his way. He would always manage to have a friend with him when he got a haircut, was hungry or whatever. He'd get the haircut, or eat the sandwich, or get to the ticket window at the movie and then "realize" he didn't have his wallet with him. We would be so embarrassed for him (and to be seen with him),we'd pay the tab and he'd "promise" to pay us back (never did). It got so bad, he never paid for anything, ever when he was with me or his other friends. We'd be in a bar and when it was his turn to buy the next pitcher of beer, he'd take the empty pitcher and arrange to get "sidetracked" by other people he knew - who of course, would fill his glass from their pitcher (this was the 80s - I don't know if many bars still sell beer by the pitcher but it was the norm in college bars at the time).

So anyway, his friends, roomates and I decided we needed a plan - some kind of "intervention" for the painfully cheap.

We realized he rarely actually asked us to help - he would just make sure we were there for the moment when he was in a bind, and he would then exploit our natural sense of obligation to step in and help a friend. We decided to stop participating in the process of ripping ourselves off. We even had this discussion, "what if he needs a prescription...what if he's in jail and needs bail...what if he runs out of gas on the tollroad". This led to a conversation about how often he runs out of gas. We tallied up that over the past few weeks, we had together brought him over 15 gallons of gas, one can at a time, when his car had "run out" unexpectedly. We were paying for all of his gas in this way! Decision made - not one bottle of beer, not one shared Cheto, not one pair of his roomate's socks, not one sheet of printer paper, not one quarter for laundry. We would include him in things, but would not give him crap. Christmas? He'd get a card - if that. Birthday? A good natured slap on the back and a round of "happy birthday" sung at our usual table in the student union. We even nixed the idea of a twinkie with a candle in it - one friend said that a gift of a birthday Twinkie would be like a quick line of powder for a coke addict.

So, one day he took his car for an oil change (using his mother's credit card, of course). He asked me to give him a ride after he dropped it off, and also asked if while we waited for the car, we could stop by the grociery store. Now this,I thought, was a normal thing friends do for each other so I agreed to give him the ride.

Anyway, I knew he was presuming I would pay for his groceries, though he didn't ask or mention it. So, we go through the whole store and he's telling me how he wants to make this fabulous chicken teryaki dinner for me, and he's acting like Emeril Lagasse picking out all this expensive stuff. I'm just saying, "oh, it would be so nice to be treated to a nice dinner". He'd show me something expensive and ask if I liked it , and would ask me repeatedly, "come on, Hon what do you want?" and I'd just say, "I don't need anything so hon, just buy what you want". I gave no indication at all that I was going to pay for a damned thing.

He gets to the register and I say, "no sense in both of us standing in line" and I went to sit in a chair not far from the checkout near the entrance to the store. I see panic flah across his eyes but ignore it. The cashier rings everything and starts bagging it. Boyfriend starts the final act - the fumbling for the wallet and acting surprised it's not there. He steps out of line and whispers to me, "hey, babe - seem to have left my wallet in my apartment", to which I reply, "bummer". I went outside to wait for him.

I didn't do this to stick it to him. I decided I would treat him like a responsible man. Responsible men do not leave their wallet at home when they go shopping. If they do once or twice (in a lifetime), they leave the grocieries at the store, retrieve the wallet and return to pay for, and pick up, the items.

When he came outside, saying, "I'd have thought you could have helped me out in there", I said, "I gave you a ride...what do you mean?" So he starts this whole thing about how he was trying to do something nice for me by making me dinner, and that I just let him get humiliated in the store, and how it wasn't right. I said, "yeah, I guess I'm just cheap and selfish."

When he continued on, I got in my car and left him there. It was about 5 miles from where his car was. It was a nice day out, so I figured... everything is walking distance if you have time.

I don't know if he ever learned anything but he had a lot of experiences like this one in the following weeks. He dropped out of our group of friends, and found a new girlfriend who lived in my dorm the next year. She cosigned a loan for him to buy an exotic bird, of all things. I can only imagine who made those payments...

[kp2171]

She cosigned a loan for him to buy an exotic bird...

You just can't make this stuff up. Who needs fiction when real life is this loopy.

Wow.

[froggy7]

I had my family over for easter. I bought all the food cooked it and we all decided to share the expenses.
Mum and her boyfriend havnt paid me yet!
I feel awkwared asking them for the money seein as mums boyfriend is helping us with works in our apartment...
My husband said we need that money, and then we will treat him another way...
How do i go about it? :(
Shall i get my husband to ask mum for the money?!

First question... did you all decide to share expenses before you bought all the food, cooked it, and invited people over? If you just sprang the splitting expenses bit, you were very rude, since you didn't give people a chance to decline the invitation if they didn't want to pay. Then again, this might be a family habit, in which case I'd handle it however the rest of your family does.

Second, if you are having people over for a meal, you should be prepared to eat the cost of the meal. Etiquette requires that you be gracious in inviting people, in playing host, etc. It does not require that you spend beyond your means. Given that this is a family holdiay dinner, I'd go with potlucks if there are a lot of people and you can't afford (or don't want!) to make everything yourself.

And third, while mom's boyfriend helping out with your renovations for free is technically an unrelated item, it's not. Which gets back to the first question.. did they know that they were going to be charged for dinner? Or did they think that this was one of those treats that you were doing to show your appreciation for having someone help you and your husband? And really, if you are willing to spend 40 to show the boyfriend that you appreciate what he's done, why are you unwilling to let the 40 that mom and boyfriend owe you for this slide? Financially, you will come out at the same point.

But etiquette-wise, if you are hosting something, you are paying for it. Which is why dinners are supposed to be about the company, not the food. A big pot of chili with close friends is much better than a fancy 8-course meal with strangers, that you are expected to pay for.