[thatkidscat]

Hi. I'm 13 years old. I'm home schooled and my mom is depressed. It is starting to get me depressed and I don't know what to do. I don't want an answer like "She has to want to change herself" or "Don't worry about it. It's not your problem" or "things will get better" because that will not help. I have tried to get her to talk to a therapist or take anti- depressants but she will not.

She drinks every night and sleeps until 3pm. She tells me she hates life and wishes she wasn't here. I'm afraid to talk to anyone about this because she has the scariest temper ever. She throws and breaks things and cusses with my six year old brother in the room. My parents are divorced. My mom keeps saying that she really isn't a bad mother because she doesn't do drugs. She spends more time looking on Facebook and stuff and then complaining that the people on their have perfect lives.

We saw a movie set in Africa about all those poor children. I felt really bad I had been complaining and my mom said she did too but the next day she went back to feeling sorry for herself. I have tried everything. She knows it affects me and my brothers but she won't stop. I can't even bring up the subject because she freaks out. I'm scared that she is going to get worse. I need some real help now. I can't talk to my dad because he is such an arrogant person and uses everything I say to him against my mom when they fight.

I have considered living with just my mom because she says she is lonely on the weeks we aren't with her and she says she doesn't want to go out with friends because they just get drunk all night (but she does that at home anyway) I don't know what to do. Please help.

[smoothy]

Fact is you ARE 13. And there really isn't much if anything you can do. Except behave, do what she asks and help even when she doesn't.

Fact is you really don't know what went on between them that resulted in their breaking up. And if her friends get drunk all the time. She REALLY needs to find new friends. Nothing good will EVER come of hanging out with drunks or being one yourself.

The fact she does it says she has big problems she is NOT dealing with (namely being an alcoholic which IS substance abuse and an addiction). And would be putting you AND your brother at risk.

Drunks are not fun to be around and MEAN drunks (like many are) are dangerous to be around. She NEEDS to get into treatment to deal with that and then many of her problems might go away....or at least lessen. The problem there is most drunks won't admit they have a problem. And until they can, they aren't going to take any steps towards improving themselves. That's a huge task for an adult. And an impossible one for a 13 year old.

Also if she is an alcoholic its unlikely the courts would let her have full or primary custody. Which would be required before you could go live with her. Its not something you simply get to decide to do or not at your age. Its a lot more complicated.

[talaniman]

Read these links and maybe they will help give you some insights and ideas.

National Association for Children of Alcoholics

Children Of Alcoholics

How Al-Anon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics Audiobook | Al-Anon Family Groups | Audible.com

Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups

All these sites have many links for help, and support. You are NOT ALONE, so start with educating yourself and finding the right help.

[Alty]

I understand that you want real help, that you want someone to tell you what you have to do to fix this. The thing is, the sad fact is that until she wants help, no matter what you do, she won't change. Hard reality to face, especially at 13.

Staying with her on the weekends won't help, that's my opinion. She's lonely, she's an alcoholic, and she's using you, and that's not right, and it's not okay. You may think your dad is an arrogant jerk that uses whatever you say against her, but it sounds like he has a good reason to, and a good reason to be concerned. You and your brother should not be with your mom until she gets help and cleans herself up. It's not a safe environment for either one of you, especially your younger brother.

You're dealing with too much. Kiddo, you're 13. I have a 13 year old daughter. You are not the parent, you are not an adult, and you should not be responsible for fixing your mom. Your mom is the adult, she's the one that needs to wake up and get help so she can start helping you. Not the other way around. She's the parent, she's the one that should be taking care of you and your brother. You are 13, you should be worrying about what you'll wear for Halloween, and your first kiss, pimples, your homework, not that your mom is an alcoholic and depressed and frankly, not being a good mom.

Maybe the first step is to show your mom this thread, your question here, so she knows that this has become something very serious and it's time for her to get help and be a mom.

Please keep us posted kiddo. Remember that you are only 13. Time to get adults involved, and talk to your dad. Show him this thread too so that he knows that him fighting with your mom, isn't helping you, it's only making it worse for you. Hopefully one of them adults up.

[dontknownuthin]

This won't be the answer you want but I think it is the answer you need. You need to go to an adult in the family. If your father can't be supportive and helpful, are your grandparents (mom's parents) still living? If they are, could you sneak away and call them and tell them that Mom is depressed and drinking and sleeping all the time and you don't know what to do? She is going to need for an audlt to probably get her into a hospital to stabalize her depression and may need treatment for alcoholism as well, depending on if she's an alcoholic or just depressed.

You need to understand that depression is a chemical problem in the brain and not something people can just snap out because someone does something to make them happy. A depressed person could be on vacation at Disney World with everyone they love and still feel depressed. It is a very treatable illness but the suffering person has to be wiling. So, no, there is nothing you can do - except tell responsible adults and ask them to help her. If she will not get help, you might have to go live with your Dad until she does. Don't let her depression manipulate you out of having a relationship with your dad. He has probably dealt with your mother's depression and wanted her to get help and she wouldn't, so he could come off arrogant about it because he's exhausted by it. He could really resent it a lot because he can't be with his family all the time. Don't be too quick to judge - Dad probably has very understandable reasons for being the way he is.

So, talk to adults in your family - whether grandparents, or if Mom has a sister or brother, or her best friend. And yes, she might be mad at you for talking about it. Sometimes you have to piss people off to help them. I actually called the police one time because my friend was talking about killing himself. They came and got him and put him in a mental hospital against his will. He was really, really mad at me but he got the help he needed. He still thinks that it wasn't necessary, but we made up and everyone else who knows him thinks I did the right thing. When people are mentally ill - and depression is a mental illness - they rarely are right about what they really need.

[Fr_Chuck]

You need to talk to your dad, the reality is, at 13, or even 30, you can not make another person do anything or feel a certain way. Since this is having an effect on you, perhaps you should consider living with your dad more being honest that it is your mom's drinking and anger, that is the reason.