[Rukmini18]

Hi ,

I was in Serious relationship with a guy for 4 years. We loved each other so much that though we were living in two different cities, we had a very good understanding and we used to meet often too.
2 years back I revealed this to my parents and obviously I heard a NO from them as he was from a different caste. I was almost forced to get engaged to one of my relative(though he was a very good guy and well settled too) but I cancelled everything, fought with my parents and still fighting since 2.5 years.

He revealed our love to his parents on January 18, 2015 and they told him that if my parents accept , its fine and they will think about it. Then I thought my only problem is on my side. He was called home on Feb 28, 2015 for some pooja and he told me that he will settle down things and come back. But within two days, on March 2nd, his Sister called me and said that he is going to be engaged in a week. I was not allowed to speak to him neither he made an effort to speak to me. He decided our love in two days :(

I went to his home town but they locked their home and I was roaming like a mad girl searching for them. Finally I called his mother and told that we have a physical relationship, so please think about my life, then she answered that, "My son is a guy, he will roam with 100 girls, i don't a have a problem with it. I cant stop the engagement, i'm sorry"

I was shocked :( How can a women speak like this what ever might be the situation :( U spoil the life of the other girl who is getting married without knowing all these bull :(

He works in Delhi, after engagement, I booked the same flight as he did and went to Delhi in search of him but he convinced me saying that he did not have any other option :( Their marriage was fixed but it got cancelled as his grandmother was expired. It is postponed to November 22. As a girl I lost everything and I can never imagine a guy in place of him :( He is not understanding that. He has only his parents status as the girl belongs to a political family (She is the grand daughter of Rosaiah). He doesn't want to cancel his marriage but he is least bothered about my life :(

Please temme what should I do :( I will die if this marriage happens and two girls (me and the girl who is getting married) will be directly or indirectly losing our lives. :(

[talaniman]

You have another choice you can make. You can accept his decision to cast you aside and choose another. I know how unfair and hard it may seem but wandering around with false hope deprived you of the truth of your situation, and without a doubt you will be emotionally devastated by these events for a while. However you can choose to grow beyond this, and find a better happiness with a more loyal partner.

You are simply wrong to think that life should end because you lost such an intense love after fighting so hard for it. Many have healed from your situation when they realize the love they wanted didn't love them the same way, so didn't fight as hard as you did, so don't wallow in your own hurt, grow from it and be wiser for it, and rebuild to be stronger.

Your life can begin again and be better if you choose to make it so. Someday you will be grateful that this fantasy ended, and you will waste no more time crying over it. For now all you can do is grieve the loss you have suffered and regroup your dignity and self respect and begin the journey to happiness you deserve.

If you want to.

[DoulaLC]

Know that while it hurts now, you will get passed the hurt. You will love again. There are many men in the world, do not think for a moment that there is only one that you can love.

For now, stop obsessing with this man, it will do nothing but continue to cause you pain. Spend time with family and friends, focus more on work or school. It will get easier as time goes on, and most likely, at some point, you will find a new man to love who is available to you.

[joypulv]

I'm in the US and only have tiny glimpses of what relationships are like in India, although we read about them a lot here on this site. I became friends with one woman in India through this site. She is divorced, has a daughter, is a teacher in a big city in Tamil, is fairly young, and has a tough time, still dealing with the court over custody. I have another teacher friend in India, on the northern desert border, much more rural, who is in a happy arranged marriage.

In any country or culture, chasing after someone is fruitless desperation. You can't blame his sudden change on anyone in his family, even if they made all the arrangements and put pressure on him - HE is the one who AGREED. So why chase him? He's not good for you! You need to let your hurt turn into anger for a while, just enough to take the edge off the pain. Anger is part of survival. Don't let it consume you though. Get your friends to drag you everywhere they go, without trying to cheer you up or introduce you to men. It will go down. It will feel like an eternity at first. As for having sex with him, that's over, it's done, so you aren't a virgin. You will find someone someday who won't mind. You could even move to a country where there aren't so many people who do mind. What else did you 'lose?' 4 years? I got dumped after 13 years, and I'll bet I was much older. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Get online, find chat rooms of women who have been dumped, especially Indian women. It's not easy for us to appreciate that for you it's a much bigger deal, but we have all gone through it in some way or another.

[Fr_Chuck]

No you will not "die" you will merely be upset and have to move on.

This is partial a mistake, since you did not introduce him to parents long before you started "falling in love" Also once they said no, you honestly should have accepted that, and started to move on.

You live in a culture where your parents can decide who you will marry. So unless you move on, and find someone else, your parents will merely find someone else and force you to marry.

[Rukmini18]

Hi all... Thank you so much. What ever you people advised me is correct. But my heart is not accepting me to forget him. I want him at any cost. When he is not taking the step to come to me, why can't I take it.. He loves me so much but he is bound to the current situations and he is afraid to cancel the marriage. Why can't I do that. When he doesn't have courage to do it, why can't I take some step. Am I speaking something wrong ? Is there any other solution to stop this marriage ?

Please guide me.

[joypulv]

He's not being honest. He is 'bound' to the marriage because he accepts his family's demands more than he is willing to love you more.
No, you can't step in to cancel it. You will just make a horrible spectacle and a fool of yourself.
He could but won't.
He's not a little baby (but in many ways is acting like a spoiled child). He's not being fair to you. If he loved you but chose his family anyway, he wouldn't tell you that he is 'afraid' to cancel. He'd be clear about his choice. He made the choice. He's stringing you along, playing on your emotions, maybe even enjoying your desperation.
HE IS ACTUALLY BEING MEAN and you don't realize it.

[talaniman]

Hi all... Thank you so much. What ever you people advised me is correct. But my heart is not accepting me to forget him. I want him at any cost. When he is not taking the step to come to me, why can't I take it.. He loves me so much but he is bound to the current situations and he is afraid to cancel the marriage. Why can't I do that. When he doesn't have courage to do it, why can't I take some step. Am I speaking something wrong ? Is there any other solution to stop this marriage ?

Please guide me.

Don't try to stop the marriage, because you cannot, only he can, and he doesn't want to, nor do his parents. Tell your foolish heart to stop lying to you, and shut the hell up, so you can do the right thing for yourself, and stop looking like a big fool for someone who doesn't want you.

He played you, plain and simple, and turned your heart against common sense. You cannot change his heart,only your own. Do so now and get on the path of good orderly direction and stop all this foolish nonsense.

Your heart make you speak wrong about EVERYTHING you have written. Get control of yourself because while no doubt this fellow is without honor, his love is a lie, and not worth the cost you are paying to have it. Not worth your life, or the future happiness you could have if you want it.

[Rukmini18]

Ok Sir,Agreed. With all my senses I'm knowing that I'm still imagining that he still loves me. Recently I questioned him when he said that nothing is there in his hands, then why the hell did you propose and pull me into this. The time when he proposed I said it would be difficult. He was the one who convinced me saying that he would look after everything. I blindly believed him more than I did in God :( Now he is saying that his family prestige is only more important than me :( He told that when he saw his mother's tears nothing else came into his mind. Why didn't he tell all these before two years when I was fighting with my parents :( This is not the problem of mine. This is the problem of the youth. Many girls and guys play with emotions in the name of love but finally leave the partner by saying a stupid word called 'Society' "Caste' and Parents. Why the hell they don't think about this before they get into a relationship and when they are unfit and incapable to Love. Its waste to Love somebody if you don't have guts. Its better to wear bangles to their hands and sit at home instead of calling themselves as 'MALE' (Sorry.. I'm speaking about only such Cowards and Cheaters not every male who truly loves and respects the relationship).So do you say that we should leave such people ? Unless someone make an effort, many innocent people lose their lives. Any girl or boy should be afraid scared to cheat somebody in the name of Love. They should pay for this. Recently my friend committed suicide because she couldn't take this pain. But he is happy with some other girl ?Isn't this Injustice ? People who did a mistake are happy, who didn't are unhappy. What type of law is this ?

[talaniman]

Isn't this Injustice ? People who did a mistake are happy, who didn't are unhappy. What type of law is this ?

Yes it's unfair as well as hurts like hell, and you have a right to be ANGRY. That has been said. Rest assured he will pay the consequences of his actions, it just will not be you who exact those consequences.

Your part is to deal with YOURSELF... NOT HIM!! The best revenge is survive this ordeal and strive to thrive and find your own happiness. Recover from this insanity, don't wallow in it! While you may not be ready for that to happen yet...there is no excuse to continue bad foolish behavior, so leave him, AND his family alone, especially as hard as it is to accept he is a liar you never should have given your heart to in the first place.

I mean didn't you waste years listening to his crap instead of having your parents meet him? I hate to be harsh but truth be told you own half this disaster by YOUR own actions. Time to forgive yourself and get about life.....and eventually YOU WILL...AFTER you realize and own your part....AFTER the emotions have settled.

What you think you will never calm down, and get clarity and understanding in the future? You would be wrong again......so vent all you have to.

[smoothy]

I agree with talaniman. Your best revenge is find someone better, and live a better life with someone better than he was. You don't get wasted time back... so you count your blessings this happened BEFORE you found yourself married to him. Or worse... married and had kids with him.

Learn to put this aside or your bitterness if you do not will poison future relationships. And that would be YOUR fault... not his.

Forget him..forget what he did, be glad he is now out of your life...and a relatively short time you will be glad you are out of his.

[Wondergirl]

Many girls and guys play with emotions in the name of love but finally leave the partner by saying a stupid word called 'Society' "Caste' and Parents.

Those are huge problems in your culture. My Indian coworkers were, despite tears and pleadings, pushed into arranged marriages (before they came to the U.S.) because there was no way out due to -- just as you said -- society, caste, and parents. Money and connections are considered major advantages that a partner can bring to a son's or daughter's marriage. I'm hoping this will change as your generation takes over society and makes new rules. Meanwhile, please do what others have said -- survive this and emerge victorious with happiness and contentment and eventually a partner who loves you with no conditions and barriers. I sense great strength in you and will keep you in my thoughts.

[Rukmini18]

Those are huge problems in your culture. My Indian coworkers were, despite tears and pleadings, pushed into arranged marriages (before they came to the U.S.) because there was no way out due to -- just as you said -- society, caste, and parents. Money and connections are considered major advantages that a partner can bring to a son's or daughter's marriage. I'm hoping this will change as your generation takes over society and makes new rules. Meanwhile, please do what others have said -- survive this and emerge victorious with happiness and contentment and eventually a partner who loves you with no conditions and barriers. I sense great strength in you and will keep you in my thoughts.

Thank you Wondergirl...

And thanks to talaniman...

I go with your words and NO I don't want to take revenge on him. My heart still says that he is a good human(except in this case). I'm just telling that, as each girl or guy will leave such people, then the number of sufferers will be more. I want to take the initiative on behalf of them. I may not save the world, but I can definitely save at least a few around me. Not only Love, this is at least better when compared to the people who are being cheated after marriage. Many women are being killed for dowry in India. Who will stop all these :(

I just wanted to make a change... :( My action might be at least a drop of water in the ocean, but definitely the ocean will lack that drop.

[talaniman]

LOL, you have come to the right place to touch other peoples lives who are in need for sure. I came here in need and stayed to pay it back. I'm still here.

Lot's of good people here.