[ScottJJ]

Hi there, this is my first post in a while, I hope you can help me. I have been with my partner for 7 yrs now and since my younger days I have been paranoid about how good looking I am to the opposite sex(I'm male)due to previous insults from females and I suffer depression. I know this may seem silly but this has always troubled me and is major to me... The story is I'm beginning to lose my hair and I was telling my partner I'm not sure I would suit a bald head and I'm really worried... What she said in response was "You have a nice enough looking face for a bald head" and I have instantly took this as kind of negative. What's bothering me is the word "enough" I feel it means your face is passable enough to pull it off but she doesn't find my face really attractive as I assumed she did. If the word "enough" wasn't used id be fine.. if she said your face is nice to pull it off I wouldn't be questioning it... I've taken it as her meaning your face is passable but not really nice in her eyes... please help I'm so confused.

Thanks
Scott

[J_9]

Ask her! Very many women find balding/bald men very attractive

It really sounded like a compliment to me.

[ScottJJ]

Ask her! Very many women find balding/bald men very attractive

It really sounded like a compliment to me.

I did ask her and I don't think she would ever intentionally hurt me, she said it meant my face is nice enough for a shaved head I'm worried now she is protecting my feelings... I hate when my mind does this as I begin to ruminate

[J_9]

You are over-thinking this. You have a nice face for a bald head.

Have you received any counseling for your insecurities? If not, it might be time to consider it.

Would you have felt better if she said "no way! You would look terrible bald!"

[ScottJJ]

You are over-thinking this. You have a nice face for a bald head.

Have you received any counseling for your insecurities? If not, it might be time to consider it b

Would you have felt better if she said "no way! You would look terrible bald!"

Yes I'm doing CBT just now but I feel embarrassed to talk about it as it seems immature and ironically my counsellor is male and bald.

If she had said id look terrible then yeah I would be hurt, it's just that word "enough" that confuses me i.e. taking it like - your face is passable enough but not great if you get where I'm coming from... Sorry if I seems stupid I'm quite a sensitive person

[talaniman]

You really are overthinking this, and placing an unnecessary burden on yourself and your partner. Since this issue has been a long term issue with you, then you really need to address it better. It would seem a simple check up, and frank conversation with your doctor would be the starting place to do this and go from there.

Why have you not reached out before?

[J_9]

You are taking this WAY out of context. What she said was actually a compliment. We all have body parts we aren't proud of, or embarrassed about. No one is perfect. Not me, not you, or the next person to respond to your question. No one! You are who you are. Accept it and embrace it.

If you had some of the physical issues I have, you would be a recluse and never leave your bedroom. Physical attributes make us who we are in more ways than just looking pretty.

[ScottJJ]

You really are overthinking this, and placing an unnecessary burden on yourself and your partner. Since this issue has been a long term issue with you, then you really need to address it better. It would seem a simple check up, and frank conversation with your doctor would be the starting place to do this and go from there.

Why have you not reached out before?

Hi there, I have reached out before to you guys a few years back but have been doing a lot better, I have spoken to my doctor and I am on Setraline to ease my anxiety, I did originally go to psychotherapy which helped. At the moment I'm doing CBT but I struggle to see him regularly due to my varying shifts at work. Speaking to you guys really helped before, I was under another user name but my email is no longer in use for that one

[joypulv]

It's easy for me to jump in here and say what the others said. Also, be GLAD she is forthright. If she had gushed all over your comment with many protests, I'd be a thousand times more worried.

But I too have always been insecure about my looks. My husband (now ex) once asked me, ~ 35 years ago (!) if I meant my small boobs when I made some remark. I didn't let it bother me, yet managed to never forget it!

All I can do is joke. Joking about ourselves is a faster, cheaper, better cure than any CBT. Not knocking the counseling, but that's the serious side. One good thing I learned was this: a lot of insecurity is a kind of self-centeredness. Here you are, looking for affirmation, really, that a balding head isn't horrible. You care too much about yourself! Insecurity + need for affirmation = selfish and egocentric.

Oh and then there's good old practicality: do you want to keep your partner, or lose her???!!! Some things you just force yourself to put a lid on. Think about starving puppies or abused children or something instead.

And FINALLY (I can't seem to end this), just wait til you are old, totally bald (but hair sprouting out of your ears), sagging, wrinkled, weak, and forgetful. THEN wonder why she is still with you.

[ScottJJ]

You are taking this WAY out of context. What she said was actually a compliment. We all have body parts we aren't proud of, or embarrassed about. No one is perfect. Not me, not you, or the next person to respond to your question. No one! You are who you are. Accept it and embrace it.

If you had some of the physical issues I have, you would be a recluse and never leave your bedroom. Physical attributes make us who we are in more ways than just looking pretty.

Those are very inspiring words thank you, I'm not a vain person I basically got teased and rejected by females in my high school years and it really affected myself esteem, I'm not an arrogant person or anything I just want to be as good as others out there

[J_9]

I will give you an example. I am a woman. I had breast cancer. I have no breasts because they had to be removed. Do you think this defines me? He11 no!

Men tend to lose their hair as they grow older. This doesn't define you as a man. It's a known fact. You have a choice to either accept it or let it ruin you.

[J_9]

Those are very inspiring words thank you, I'm not a vain person I basically got teased and rejected by females in my high school years and it really affected myself esteem, I'm not an arrogant person or anything I just want to be as good as others out there

So, your looks define you? I have no breasts, but I am still a woman.

You have a receding hairline, but you are still a man.

Yeah, I got teased in school because I was an A-cup. Heck, my own father teased me and told me to put "band aids on my mosquito bites," lol. Does that make me any less of a woman than a girl with D-cups? Absolutely not.

Our physical attributes aren't what defines us.

[odinn7]

You are digging to create a problem that is not even there. Over-thinking silly things like this will create problems were there are none.

[talaniman]

Thank you for responding with such clarity.

I am beyond sure that you have been encouraged to practice good behavior rather than focusing on YOU. Is not part of your overall treatment to step back and take a breath before you act or speak? It is the PRACTICING of real time behavior that acts to change your thinking.

Easy enough to be caught off guard, but that indicates more practice in that area. It's up to you to use the tools you are being taught. Acknowledge this to your partner, and promise to do better, and work on your issues a bit more, that will ease her mind, and yours too.

Keep practising good orderly direction, and behavior. Chalk this last experience up to OOPPSS! Find something more productive and satisfying to do, that ends the dwelling on this incident. Like getting some flowers for your obviously patient 7 year partner.

You just got stuck for a minute on your own crap. Happens to the best of us.

[Jake2008]

I suspect that different situations have you in the same place- taking a nosedive emotionally, and as you said, ruminating about what you perceive as a problem.

You have to stop it!

Intellectually, you know your partner after so long, as to not expect a hurtful comment over something that bothers you. For all you know, she guards her words very carefully because you act so overboard with any comment to do with how you look. My guess is, she gave you the fewest words possible in a positive way, to avoid exactly what you have described, as happening.

I think too that it wouldn't matter if she ripped off all her clothes and jumped your bones because she loves bald headed men!! Then you would think she was just feeling sorry for you and it was pity sex.

So, the problem is not her, the problem is your habit of reacting negatively to what YOU see as a negative, about yourself. No amount of compliments will convince you otherwise, so stop expecting them to.

Instead when you get that nagging feeling that a tornado is about to invade your brain and mess up your common sense and confidence, go and sit somewhere quiet, and write out your thoughts. The 'event', how it made you feel, and what you should do about it.

That last bit is the hardest, but in time, becomes a reaction, and that turns the negative nose-dive, into a positive spin, and you can accept not only a compliment, but believe it too.

Most importantly is learning to accept that the only person that can judge you, is yourself. We all have things about ourselves that we find negative, like stature, weight, eye colour, etc. No amount of tearing yourself up will change the basic facts. In your case, you may very well be balding, and because there is nothing you can do about it (something to write down while you're figuring out how to actually think about it), and you are taking a nosedive that not only depresses you, but depresses others around you.

Another thing you could try is attaching a number, like 1-10, for importance. For instance, let's say your baldness issue has had you spinning for 2 days now, so you let yourself get to the critical 10. Had you taken hold of the thoughts and feelings when they first started, and worked on them, it may have only been a 2 or a 3. In other words, you could have stopped the cycle, and moved on to more important matters.

This is called not taking yourself too seriously, building confidence and self-assurance, and changing your thinking, which in turn, changes your behavior.

You have some work to do.

[ScottJJ]

I will give you an example. I am a woman. I had breast cancer. I have no breasts because they had to be removed. Do you think this defines me? He11 no!

Men tend to lose their hair as they grow older. This doesn't define you as a man. It's a known fact. You have a choice to either accept it or let it ruin you.

No of course not I do not think that defines you... I guess what I'm meaning is I want her to really like my face even with no hair and I felt she feels my face is passable "enough" arrrghhh it's that word that throws my mind

I suspect that different situations have you in the same place- taking a nosedive emotionally, and as you said, ruminating about what you perceive as a problem.

You have to stop it!

Intellectually, you know your partner after so long, as to not expect a hurtful comment over something that bothers you. For all you know, she guards her words very carefully because you act so overboard with any comment to do with how you look. My guess is, she gave you the fewest words possible in a positive way, to avoid exactly what you have described, as happening.

I think too that it wouldn't matter if she ripped off all her clothes and jumped your bones because she loves bald headed men!! Then you would think she was just feeling sorry for you and it was pity sex.

So, the problem is not her, the problem is your habit of reacting negatively to what YOU see as a negative, about yourself. No amount of compliments will convince you otherwise, so stop expecting them to.

Instead when you get that nagging feeling that a tornado is about to invade your brain and mess up your common sense and confidence, go and sit somewhere quiet, and write out your thoughts. The 'event', how it made you feel, and what you should do about it.

That last bit is the hardest, but in time, becomes a reaction, and that turns the negative nose-dive, into a positive spin, and you can accept not only a compliment, but believe it too.

Most importantly is learning to accept that the only person that can judge you, is yourself. We all have things about ourselves that we find negative, like stature, weight, eye colour, etc. No amount of tearing yourself up will change the basic facts. In your case, you may very well be balding, and because there is nothing you can do about it (something to write down while you're figuring out how to actually think about it), and you are taking a nosedive that not only depresses you, but depresses others around you.

Another thing you could try is attaching a number, like 1-10, for importance. For instance, let's say your baldness issue has had you spinning for 2 days now, so you let yourself get to the critical 10. Had you taken hold of the thoughts and feelings when they first started, and worked on them, it may have only been a 2 or a 3. In other words, you could have stopped the cycle, and moved on to more important matters.

This is called not taking yourself too seriously, building confidence and self-assurance, and changing your thinking, which in turn, changes your behavior.

You have some work to do.

I honestly thought I was making good progress and it's feels like I've been jolted back 5 years and I'm panicking... I still don't know why I'm like this and if it has been since I was a child as I cannot remember that far back I just remember high
School being awful and the opposite sex paid attention to other guys but not me
And when I tried to date them I was rejected every time

[Wondergirl]

We all have to learn that we are good enough. I don't look like Katy Perry, nor do I sing as well as she does, but am pretty enough and sing well enough. I also bake cookies that are even good enough to mail to a bachelor friend and cook meals for my family that are satisfying enough. Our rescued cats are happy enough living with us that they don't try to escape out the front door every time someone opens it. Today the weather is good enough and the sun warm enough to enjoy a walk around the block.

Soon it will be time for my 3 o'clock coffee break. I'll make the coffee hot enough (but not too hot) so that, if I sip it carefully enough, it won't burn my tongue. Should I nibble on a few of my good-enough homemade cookies?

[ScottJJ]

We all have to learn that we are good enough. I don't look like Katy Perry, nor do I sing as well as she does, but am pretty enough and sing well enough. I also bake cookies that are even good enough to mail to a bachelor friend and cook meals for my family that are satisfying enough. Our rescued cats are happy enough living with us that they don't try to escape out the front door every time someone opens it. Today the weather is good enough and the sun warm enough to enjoy a walk around the block.

Soon it will be time for my 3 o'clock coffee break. I'll make the coffee hot enough (but not too hot) so that, if I sip it carefully enough, it won't burn my tongue. Should I nibble on a few of my good-enough homemade cookies?

This is what I mean though it's as if she has said I'm nice enough but indirectly
Saying/not intentionally that I'm passable but not great looking in her yes is this not what she is implying?

[joypulv]

No no no, we can't tell you what she is implying.
We are here to talk to you about how you interpret her words.
I worked hard on what I said. Now I feel sort of slighted!
Oh well, now I've dropped it, and will go feed my animals and myself.

[ScottJJ]

No no no, we can't tell you what she is implying.
We are here to talk to you about how you interpret her words.
I worked hard on what I said. Now I feel sort of slighted!
Oh well, now I've dropped it, and will go feed my animals and myself.

Sorry I didn't mean to annoy you all advice on here in meaningful to me, just not good at these sort of things and the last comment made I was wondering if they meant what I asked