[Lucky098]

Ahhhh! I need to vent so bad!

My boyfriend and I of 8.5 YEARS broke up on new years day...

His reason... he said he cannot himself marrying me. I never put any pressure on him. He also said he knows that I wanted to move in with him... I have no money to contribute to living with him! I told him that too!

Than he went on a rampage of how I don't want to do anything with his family.. I'm anti-family and so on... and now all of a sudden he wants to go to church and find God... *sigh*

I'm not heartbroken.. I'm sad, disappointed and angry.. He has made me out to be the epitome of horriblness... I kept him from his friends, family and so on... NOT TRUE!

His family disliked me.. his wonderful, sweet brother told people who haven't even met me that I'm a B****, controlling and that I wanted to hook up with him. GROSS!

He never stood up for me.. He never told his brother to knock it off... he never made it easy for me to get along with his family... he did nothing to make our relationship better.

He isolated us from everyone. He worked all the damn time.. always working. Always, always always! Oh and he claims that I was talking S*** about his family on Facebook.. Still cant find that message or post.

He dug so deep to find things that I did wrong.. I don't like the lake.. I LOVE THE LAKE! I don't like his friends WE NEVER HUNG OUT WITH THEM! I don't want to be apart of his family HE NEVER CAME OVER TO MY HOUSE!

Last December we broke up because he was being stupid and the result was he kissed a girl and his a-hole brother in law posted the pic on Facebook (for my benefit I'm sure). I left his butt... a month and a half later he came back apologizing and seeming to actually want to make things work. The entire 2014 year he and I did OK... he did things to piss me off...
Examples:
Valentines day: no gift or card. I cancelled my plans with my mom for him. We spent the night together... he left to hang out with his family ASAP the next day. Still no card or anything the day after or even by the next time I saw him.

He ACCUSED me of having a profile at match.com.. I don't have one, never did. I went on a double date with a friend who did use the dating sites... not me. Did not talk for about a week and a half. He thinks I lied to him and stated that he didn't care if I had an acct or not since we were not together at the time... but when he asked I denied it, he got upset and acting weird.

He asked me to go to his house ONCE since our reconciliation... on Father's day. I already made plans that day with a friend (my dad was gone for business). He thinks I blew him off. He has never asked me to go to his parents house since.

HE FORGOT OUR ANNIVERSARY! I got him a card.. he told me he didn't get me anything. Our anniversary landed on a Sunday. Sunday's were his sanctioned "family days"... he couldn't disrupt that for even our anniversary. He claims and said that he didn't understand why he had to be all into anniversaries or valentine's day.. why did he have to pick one or two days out of the year to express his love... UGH!! I thought it was BS than...

Over the holidays.. we originally made plans to hang out christmas eve.. He had to work and I decided to cook christmas eve dinner and invite him and some of my friends. He didn't come. He said he wasn't going to make it... but later called me at 8/9:30pm, which I never answered.. I had company over. He claims that he was calling to see if he could still come.. THE INVITE WAS STILL THERE! IT WASN'T LATE!! He got mad about that... YET... he never even invited me over to his house for christmas..

Christmas day: we spent the evening together. He was happy to see me.. He told me he had a surprise for me that Friday.. He said "Its in Colorado Springs, you get to pick it out". I NEVER pressured him for an engagement ring.. but what does that say to anyone else? I got slightly happy... later he told me it was a pair of five-finger toe shoes.. I would have been happy with those.. I've been asking for them for awhile.

But lets back up to Christmas eve... those stupid Facebook "my life this year" slide shows.. he posted his.. his sister-in-law posted that this was the year that he should find himself a "hottie girlfriend". My friend stuck up for me and claimed he already had a "hottie girlfriend" and tagged me. His cousin laughed at the comment.. the SOL continued to make a scene.. claiming he's told her he's single... I did ask him why he told her that.. he claims he doesn't talk to her. I don't know about this one on who is lying.. because his SOL is a real C***. But he never stuck up for me.. for us. He never corrected anything!!

We went to Breckenridge that Friday after Christmas... We went to a whisky distillery... he drove up, I agreed to drive down. He had some shots.. On our way home, he called his employee and gloated about how he got to drink for free.. employee asked how he was driving home.. he said 'SOMEONE is driving'... I'm someone now.

He was distant and detached that next week... I invited him to my company Christmas party WEEKS AGO.. he still agreed to go... picked me up and everything. Claimed to have not felt good, so was quiet. I text him after he dropped me off "thanks for coming, cant wait for the NYE party for our kiss" no response back. I just figured he fell asleep.

Can people really just turn off that quickly?? When we got back together from his kissing incident.. I didn't tell a lot of people because I didn't know where we stood. My car is still in his name (paid off in Feb) so I told myself so many times to just stick it out until its paid off and walk away... He beat me to it! @$$Hole!

I was loyal.. I wanted to be around him... I would be the DD so he could go out with his friends.. When his brother screwed him over, I encouraged him to not make drastic choices... I asked him to come to my house many times since he wasn't asking me to come to his parents house..

I feel like he isolated me from everyone. We didn't have a lot of time to spend with one another, so the time spent, we did hang out alone with each other.

He never really gave me any compliments.. I feel as if he just ground me into the dirt.. I have such low self estime... he rarely said I was pretty.. I tried to after his cousin laughed at someone complimenting me on that Facebook post of his.. We rarely held hands in pubic... OMG! IF WE KISSED! That never happened.. Was this an emotionally abusive relationship? Because I feel like it was.

This boy stole 8.5 years of my life from me for nothing.. He stated that I spent too much time on the small stuff, such as cleaning his house, doing his laundry and so on... He said it took him 8.5 years for him to "get" me to do this.. HE NEVER LIVED ON HIS OWN UNTIL THIS LAST YEAR! I wanted to help him because he did work a lot and didn't have time do to these things... I didn't mind...

OHHHHH and he got pissed at me because I didn't talk to his friend's girlfriend when we went to Chipotle. That place is LOUD and they were eating already. We showed up and he said hi.. His friend introduced me to his GF and we talked somewhat.. was I suppose to chatter her ear off? We weren't on a double date.. we weren't in a quiet area where we could talk.. it was loud and obnoxious.. but because I didn't do what he thought I should do.. I'm snobby. *sigh*

I did nothing right for him...

I just don't know how to feel. I feel like I lost my best friend and I feel pretty alone. He's caused me to lose a lot of my friends... I don't know how to feel... I really wanted to work things out with his family this year... I feel like I should still do it and at least set things straight.. I never hated or disliked them! Yet they all think it.

I don't want to be alone! I want a boyfriend.. I want someone to share my life with.. all the happiness and sadness. (that's another thing.. I work at a vet hospital and we euthanized 4 pets and lost one on the surgery table.. I was absolutely heartbroken.. he was not consoling at all).

I'm so sorry this is a novel.. but I just had to get it out onto something... I feel like I'm divorced... I feel like I'm alone.. I feel like there is a little black cloud following me around... I'm not positive about myself right now... He has just torn me down into nothing and I don't know how to fix it... My job is a dead end job.. tonight I filled out a bunch of apps for different jobs... I'm praying to GOD That I can get a new job... I just need a boost of some sort...

My one friend that stuck it out with me throughout this BS is still wanting to be my friend :) We get to hang out tomorrow night!! I cant wait!. OH my.. . now I'm all choked up :( :( :( :(

I'm so sorry this is a novel...

Oh.. and he text me tonight and asked if I noticed his car acting up the last time I drove it... I didn't respond for 4 hours.. than finally said "no"... I shouldn't have done that... Once my car title is in my hand.. his A$$ is getting blocked.. along with his entire jerkass family...

[joypulv]

Couldn't read the whole thing.
Do you want responses?
I'm going to be critical of you, sorry. You want cards and special days, yet went on a double date. He works all the time, is close to his family, leaving little time for you, but you don't accept what is and move on. You can't contribute to living together, making you look like a mooch. He has made it clear that he isn't going to marry you, yet you have allowed this to drag on for 8.5 years - no one held a gun to your head.
Be glad it's over.
Time to find a path of an independent woman, maybe? When the shock of loss is wearing off, sign up for some courses. Jobs like court stenographer are going begging, and pay as much as 90K.

[J_9]

Why have you spent 9 years with him without a ring or a date? After 2 years he should have been given his walking papers.

Unfortunately I am on my iPad, so I can't pick apart your post. You both are guilty. This is a very toxic relationship and it needs to end now, for your sanity and his if you have any left.

[Lucky098]

I cant tell you why I stayed with him for so long... :-( stupid, I guess...

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...im-750618.html

Well lets hope you mean it THIS time.

[tickle]

No one needs negativity in their lives, it pulls them down so they cannot cope with just saying no, this is enough! Always thinking things will improve. You hung on too long. Were you afraid to start dating again ? Of course we don't know the whole story but we do know you from your wonderful advice on the pet forum.

Do what you have to do now and should have done probably a few years ago, drop him, get on with your life and look for someone who fills the bill for you.

As an aside, Facebook seems to make more problems for people, get off that so no one can ever through something up in your face again, be it true or false. Facebook makes everyone's life an open book. My son and I went off it a long time ago and were better for it.

As for dating sites, get on one now and see what comes up. If anything it gives you an interest while you are single again and who knows what may happen...

I am separated after 45 years, Lucky, he wanted out and you know, I am a lot better now then I ever was, feel good, getting on with my life and you can do that too !

Stay away from his family, do not try and work things out, set things straight, it will not work ! You will be setting yourself up for more heartache doing that. You wont want to hear what they have to say to you !

[ma0641]

"This boy(?) stole 8.5 years of my life from me for nothing. YOU let it happen!!!. Reread you prior posts!! "Once my car title is in my hand.. his A$$ is getting blocked.. along with his entire jerkass family..". "didn't have a lot of time to spend with one another, so the time spent, we did hang out alone with each other---but----, " He's caused me to lose a lot of my friends".
8.5 years to find that out?

[odinn7]

I get it...I wasted a huge portion of my life with someone that treated me like garbage but I kept hanging on because of what my dreams were of how we should or could have been. It's tough to just walk away sometimes even though you know you should. Easy to say, hell, I tell people here all the time to do it...only because I have learned over the years, the hard way, that it isn't as difficult as you think and you are better off. Anyway, yes, easy to say but not always so easy to do.

How about this...don't beat yourself up over it. It is what it is. Learn from it, know that you shouldn't accept it, move on. You have had plenty of time to learn from this and see that this is never going to improve and is only bringing you down. You don't need it and you CAN and WILL do better in the long run. Move forward with your life and leave the dead weight behind.

You can do it. Believe in yourself.

Yes, easy to say but trust me...it will be hard in the beginning but after some time, you will look back and want to kick yourself for putting up with that and wasting so much time. Trust me. Believe in yourself.

[catonsville]

Yes, that was a "Vent", you described a lot also. Since it is over, as it should be, I wish you good luck in the new year. You have every reason to move on and find your happiness elsewhere.

[tickle]

I must say, Lucky, you had a really good place to get that off your chest ? Isn't it wonderful to have somewhere to do that, like here !

[DoulaLC]

It's only a mistake if you don't learn from it and repeat, or accept, the same behaviours in your next relationship. Consider it a life lesson... lengthy lesson, but a learning experience none the less about yourself as well as what works and doesn't work for you in a relationship.
Thank your good friend for sticking by you through it all. Hope you find some peace with this and move on to something much better.

[Alty]

Lucky, we're friends on fb so I've read a lot more about all this than the rest of the people here. I remember the numerous breakups, the heartache you experienced, the loneliness, and every time you vow that you're not going back to him. Sadly, every time you do, and the same thing happens.

I'm going to be harsh because I think that's what you need. When are you going to learn that this relationship is going nowhere? When will you stop going back to him and figure out that you two are not meant to be? When will you finally move on?

You posted all the things you hate about him. If he were here to post his side, what would he say? It takes two people to make a relationship work, and those same two people can destroy it. This has been 8.5 years of dysfunction.

You may have wasted 8.5 years of your life on this guy, but he wasted the same 8.5 years. You both lost time because neither one of you were able to make it work, and both of you were too stubborn to walk away for good.

It's long past time to finally get him out of your life and move on. This time for good. I will tell you that if you end up getting back with him yet again, I won't be sympathetic. If you keep lying in a bed of nails, and then complain that it hurts, but keep going back for more, after a while people ask "why do you keep intentionally hurting yourself? Why am I bothering to help you? Obviously you aren't willing to learn".

I am sorry that you're hurting, but really, if you had told me you were back with him yet again, I could have told you this was going to happen. If you had walked away the last time, for good, you'd be over him already. Instead you get to start from scratch, and based on the past, I'm betting this isn't over yet.

[Lucky098]

I guess I was just hoping for something good to happen. During these 8 years, he and I went through a lot, from being dirt broke, going to school and him opening up two stores and becoming successful. It was so hard to adjust to him running a store, he was hardly ever around. But when things started to pick up and he could hire people, I had my boyfriend back. But he had changed during that time. He lost his spark and wanting to be fun. He use to always have people over to watch football games or MMA fights, but that stopped once is family demanded this Sunday dinner thing. We went to the lake a handful of times with his friends and I always had fun.. but nothing was good enough.

I feel so stupid for taking him back. I feel like everything he said to me last Jan. was a lie, he had no intention of making us work better. I tried, I tried hard. I wanted to make him happy. The 2014 year did go by quickly, and I never got a chance to speak with his family and hopefully befriend them again... I always felt like they never liked me.. and when I found out his brother was talking so much crap about me.. It just made me want to give up.

My heart is not broken.. I remember that feeling, and I don't feel like that. I'm just upset and sad.

I'm glad Odinn can relate.. because that is exactlly how I felt. I always was waiting for the good moments to continue. I was always waiting for the US talk.. always.

I am afraid of dating again. I'm afraid of learning someone new. I'm terrified of not being able to find me someone. I want a man who is going to be sweet to me, not blow me off. I want that so bad! And I thought that was him the last couple of months. But I've come to the conclusion that HE couldn't be what I wanted, and no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't do it.

I'm sure this isn't over yet either.. I just hope that I'm strong enough to stand my ground.

I'm going to nursing school... I'm trying to get a job for the between that pays... I hope that 2015 is good to me and gives me what I need and deserve to be happy again.

My mind is everywhere. I remember all the nice things he's said to me and done.. and it just doesn't make sense to me on how this ended.

My friend Amanda thinks that he does truly love me.. but his family is kind of not allowing it to happen by pressuring him... I don't know... that's just how she thought of this whole train wreck.

[Lucky098]

... I also haven't cried yet...

[Wondergirl]

What are the chances you'll take him back? (Be careful. We're all reading this.)

How are you going to resist the urge?

[Lucky098]

I don't want him back... I can't take him back. He's never been serious or sincere about us. He's allowed too many bad things to happen... I just can't... *sigh* I just need to be civil until my car is paid off and the title in my hand...

And what am I going to do? Block him from everything... That's going to be hard because than its final... That'll be a vodka night for sure!

[Alty]

Lukcy, one thing I learned early on in my relationship with my husband, family is family. Until you're married and become family, your S.O's family will always come first. They're a permanent, you're just an until... until you're married.

Thankfully I got lucky, Rod loved my parents, and they loved him. I loved his mom, I tolerated his sister. I had a few issues with both of them after we got married, but before that we were very close, and still continued to be close even after the problems (most of them created by jealousy and the feeling of loss when Rod and I married. On their part). Now my parents are gone, his mom is gone (his dad I never met, he died 3 years before I met Rod at the age of 19). His sister we don't talk to, because she's screwing us out of a very large inheritance (it's a long story).

Even when there were issues I supported him seeing his family, I was the one that made plans to see them, invited them to Christmas dinners, Thanksgiving, birthday parties, or just because. We went to my parents house every Sunday for dinner, and saw them a few times a week.

Family is important. If you can't get along with his family, you have very little hope of keeping him in your life.

[Lucky098]

Alty.. I tried. I use to always hang out with him and his family. I saw his parents more than mine. I went to chrisrmases, birthdays, weddings and funerals. I went to his family get together at the lake.. But he always managed to start a fight so it wouldn't be any fun. I went to baby showers.. Everything! I tried to be friends with his sister... Asking her to go to some cheesy little wine and cheese type parties... Horse back riding... She would say OK and than I'd never hear from her... And he blamed me.. Said I didn't try. I tried to befriend his cousin and than one day she didn't like me.. I have no idea why. I tried being friends with his brother and he tore us apart because of jealousy...

I tried to get him to come to my families functions and he always had an excuse as to why he couldn't. I stopped participating with his family because I felt like it was very one sided. I was getting pressured from my family that I was never around and that he didn't want to ever come over for anything. These last few months I invited him over all the time and he'd never come.. Just excuses. Reasons he couldn't.

Family is important to me, too... I really did want to try and work things out with his family...

This is also why I'm torn... To try and make amends with his family and see what happens.. Or throw in the towel and give up.

[Alty]

Throw in the towel and give up. It's long past time to do so. If you go back you'll just get more of the same. You two want to be together, without the tools to do so. You're just not meant to be. It's long past time to move on sweetie. It really is.

I realize it's hard to just forget someone you've been with for 8.5 years, but that's what you have to do. Either that or you keep going back, and you both keep getting hurt because neither one of you can make the relationship between the two of you, work out.

You know me, I'm honest to a fault. I'm saying this because I do care about you, and you need to hear this, need to listen, and need to finally do what you've been advised to do for a long time now. Let him go, find someone that actually wants to be with you, someone that you can make a life with, not someone you have to fight to make a life with.

[Lucky098]

I know I need to leave him and move on. He has hurt me more than once and than pointed the finger at me. He called me "somebody" on our Christmas date... And I still don't fully believe he told his mom we were back together, even though he claims he did.. His actions said otherwise.

I guess if it truly is suppose to be our paths will cross and it may work.. Or it may not. But right now? I'm done... I'm so done! I am not the epitome of bad... I wasn't always that wrong... I did try and do things that would make him Happy.. Try and participate and find interest in some of his hobbies... And he just turns around and says I refused to be interested in his interests...