[sadmom]

This has bee a horrible year! I thought that I got through the worst, but today I want to give up.
I have an adult daughter. We were always so close, in fact, we were best friends.
She was engaged.In June they broke the engagement, over the phone, due to a fight about where they would live. He lives in Florida and she lives in MA. She told him her family meant too much to her.
That same week we were having our house painted. He was either married or divorced with a son. To make a long story short, she flipped her lid, told me that she hated me and took off to live with the looser painter guy.
For months I didn't hear from her. At the beginning of this month, she left me a note and said that she wanted to be close again. We talked and I told her how hurt I was. All month she has called me about twice a day.
Oh, I almost forgot to add that she drives a new BMW which I pay for. I also pay the insurance. When she left, she drove off in the car. Oh, and I don't even KNOW where she lives. It's been 7 months and yes folks, I don't even know where she lives. Even bad parents know where their kids live!! @!
So anyway, here I am satisfied with the obligatory phone calls. Oh, she has come to visit 3 times. Once because I bought her some face creams and she wanted to get them. The other 2 times she wanted me to color her hair. All 3 times she left as soon as she got what she wanted.
She is a school teacher, and also teaches dance. Today she started her 3rd job working for her dad. So she worked today in the town where I live, not a 1/2 mile from me. She called me on her way home (wherever that is!)
So, why am I in tears? Why do I just want her out of my life so I can stop hurting? Because I honestly expected her to stop by and see her mother. I guess she didn't because she didn't need or want anything!
This brings back old hurts, and I just want it all to go away! My parents live 2 hours away. I see them when I'm invited to their house on holidays. I can remember how hurt I felt when they called me to tell me that they had just come from visiting my sister's grave. My sister's grave is also in the town where I live, 2 minutes from me. They drove to visit my sister's grave, but didn't visit me.
I felt that same hurt today.
The scumbag that my daughter lives with took advantage of her when she was hurt and confused. She works 3 jobs and he never works!! She had her school vacation this week and I could here him and his kid in the background whenever she called. I know he's a rebound guy, and she's screwed up, but I guess my hurt makes me not care what happens. I feel used and I never deserved any of this from her of all people.
No, I didn't tell her this, because I'm sick of being told how bad and wrong I am. I hate the person she has become and I don't want any more of the hurt. I wish she'd just go away.
I look forward to suggestions, but please don't be too hard on me, I'm truly broken.
sadmom

[mbschlgr]

You mention that you are paying for her BMW and her insurance. The reason you are doing this is because?? :eek:

[NeedKarma]

I'm going to agree with the above poster - why did you buy an adult daughter a brand new BMW AND pay her insurance? Stopping the payments can only hurt you so you're in a pickle now. Aren't adults supposed to be independent?

[Chery]

Dear Sadmom. You are being used and have been used for a long time. It is time to get out of this and live your own life. It will hurt in the beginning, but it will fade, I promise! First you need to tell her you want the car back or you'll report it stolen. Then go and sell it. It is your right. Or stop payment on the insurance and the car and have it reclaimed by the dealer - or call the dealer yourself and ask him to find a buyer for you. That sounds real crass but will protect you from any litigation. She is working three jobs, is old enough to take care of herself so she should also be able to afford her own car. She can also go to a hairdresser or have her 'man' do her hair for her. Stop being her victim. She probably sees how your other relative treat you and you probably set yourself up for this because you might not know any better, but it's time to do a self-check, see a therapist, make new friends and stop being there for her. Unconditional love for your child can only go so far if you don't get the love and respect you deserve back. We all have choices in life and it's time for you to make a big one for your own good. Instead of paying for the car, go to Atlantic City or Las Vegas for a weekend and have some fun. Get out of the house with all those memories for a while and look at other alternatives. As it stand right now, if and when you need her, she will be too busy.. so force her to grow up. She will some day come back, but make sure it's on your terms. She's having her cake and eating it too. Have you no dreams or wishes yourself that you can make come true now. I wish you all the best, and if you need reassurance that you are right, get back with us, we will be here for you.

[Chery]

P.S. If the title to the car is in her name, but you can prove you pay the insurance, stop paying it and make her do it.

[momincali]

Sad Mom - She's older than 18 and doesn't live under your roof? She's not your responsibility anymore. Let me ask you this, if you broke someone's windshield, are your mommy and daddy going to pay for it? Of course not, that's your problem. At this very moment, you need to admit to yourself, "okay, I messed up buying my adult daughter this car and not teaching her the values of hard work and sacrifice but from this moment on, I am not going to continue to spoil her this way." Admit that part of the reason you did and do this for her is to make yourself feel better. Stop buying her all this stuff, you can't buy her love or her gratitude. She needs to change her attitude towards life, not just you. If she's living with this loser, you have to respect that it is her choice and she will just have to learn the hard way, hopefully, she won't get pregnant and put a baby in the middle of all this stuff. She needs to grow up now! Take the car back from her today, now, at this very moment! Not out of spite, out of your desire for her to become a real adult. If you ask her for the car, she will yell and scream and tell you what a terrible parent you are and tell you again that she hates you... yada, yada, yada. Since you don't know where she lives, you will have to use the same manipulation she used on you, tell her you have something for her, a surprise you can't tell her about but one that she will really love and appreciate (its not like you're lying, someday when she does grow up, she will love you for what you did!) Have a tow service ready to pick up the car (let them know you don't have the keys and you will have to show them you are the financially responsible party for that car) and have it towed somewhere until you can get the keys (if push comes to shove, have a locksmith make you a set) and park it in your driveway. If you have your own car paid off, sell it and use the BMW. If not, let your daughter know that the free ride is over. Tell her that you respect that she has moved out, made her own decisions and decided to become an adult on her own. Tell her that by becoming an adult (a teacher no less?? ) she will have to be self-sufficient and responsible. She can take the bus or carpool or do whatever it takes until she can purchase a car of her own. This is the only way she will truly learn to be a TRUE ADULT, age has nothing to do with it. Oh and by the way, your kids should NEVER be your best friends, otherwise, it gives them the idea that you are equals, you certainly are not. You can be very close, be there for them, share lots of good times, but always remember they are your children, not your best friends, keep the parent-child respect intact.
By taking these actions, you have to be willing to let her hate you for all the garbage she's going to go through, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it will only turn on if she is the one who wades through all the garbage and turns it on. Maybe you can make a deal with her, she can buy the car from you (and no, don't lend her the money to do that, let her figure out how she's going to do it), she needs to give you the same down payment they would expect from her at a car dealership (so keep her credit history in mind) and monthly payments should be expected from her on an exact due date. Remember, if you are flexible with her, she won't learn anything. The real world is not flexible either and she needs to learn this today! You feel bad because you have a conscience and there is nothing wrong with that, there is something wrong with having inappropriate guilt though. Having a back bone is not wrong or mean. You will see, things will change for the better, but stick it out, don't give in. This is tough love, I know it works, it did for me, I was that irresponsible, selfish, self-centered little brat until well past my 20's. My parents stopped rescuing me and I had to sink or swim. It was hard work, lots and lots of hard work, but well worth it cause I'm doing the backstroke now. Happily married with three kids and my 15 year old daughter is learning what I didn't learn. She knows that at age 18, if she did well in high school and planned on going to college she is welcomed in our home, as a guest. We will help her out somewhat financially and she may stay as long as she keeps her GPA up and follows our rules. Otherwise, I guess she'll have to learn the phrase, "would you like fries with that...?" Be a parent :)

[mbschlgr]

momincali - excellent reply! :D

[Chery]

momincali - you'll make a great contribution to this forum. That was great! This mom has sacrificed too much for an ungrateful daughter.

[fredg]

Hi,
This original post was back in Feb, 2005. I wonder if SadMom has read any of these more recent posts.
fredg

[Chery]

I hope so too. Some subjects, especially like these, should be recapped now and then, as this mom is certainly not the only one victimized this way. Lord knows how many other moms sacrifice themselves for their children the wrong way instead of instilling values, they just give and give until there is nothing left, then bang.. they get rewarded in this manner.

[momincali]

I thought about that one myself. I really do hope she came to the conclusion that her job with her daughter was pretty much done. As a parent, I know we find it hard to let go, we want with all our heart for our children to grow up and be kind, intelligent, responsible people. We teach them the values and morals that our parents taught us and try to be role models. However, when a child takes on adult-like behaviors like moving out, picking the wrong mate and so forth, it's time we realize that they are on their own. We took them as far as we could. Now, any words of wisdom should be given only when asked for, otherwise we are the meddling intrusive parent who has no life of their own. I wonder if we can send her a "hope- things-are-well" kind of email??

[Chery]

I thought about that one myself. I really do hope she came to the conclusion that her job with her daughter was pretty much done. As a parent, I know we find it hard to let go, we want with all our heart for our children to grow up and be kind, intelligent, responsible people. We teach them the values and morals that our parents taught us and try to be role models. However, when a child takes on adult-like behaviors like moving out, picking the wrong mate and so forth, it's time we realize that they are on their own. We took them as far as we could. Now, any words of wisdom should be given only when asked for, otherwise we are the meddling intrusive parent who has no life of their own. I wonder if we can send her a "hope- things-are-well" kinda email???

I agree, we all have to make our choices on our own once grown up. What's nice is that when our children seek advice and we give it, and they choose another way, most times, they come back and say 'you were right'.

We could try and PM this mom, hoping that she is still keeping up with this forum, or she could be reading this as we speak, at any rate I too hope all is well with her.

[Chery]

I just checked her profile, and she only posted 4 times, the last in July, so I hope all is well now.

[momincali]

[QUOTE=Chery]... What's nice is that when our children seek advice and we give it, and they choose another way, most times, they come back and say 'you were right'.

Boy, you were right on with that one! Parenthood, it's a beautiful thing... ;)

[Chery]

[QUOTE=momincali]

... What's nice is that when our children seek advice and we give it, and they choose another way, most times, they come back and say 'you were right'.

Boy, you were right on with that one! Parenthood, it's a beautiful thing... ;)

I couldn't have said it better myself. I was pregnant three times although my doctors forbade me to as I have a heart condition among other things. But I have a beautiful 1976 model daughter who does not take drugs, has a great head on her shoulder, is kind and loving, worked herself up to a Finance and Accounting Manager on Ramstein AirForce Base as a civilian. She did it all herself, as I was drinking while she was in school and not much help. I am so darned proud of her I could jump or cry every time I think of what she could have wound up being. Even though I was not there for her all the time, I instilled values and respect for others, and it stuck, thank goodness. And to top it off, I tolerated a marriage that she is ending because they all have to learn and I stayed completely out of it, even though when I first suggested she was too young, she tells me now that I was right. Right now she's really in love and it warms my heart to experience that with her, not too many of us can say the same. He's in the Air Force and I wish I could have him cloned (only a little older) for myself. He was taught all the right things from his mom, respect, cooking, cleaning, and laundry, etc. Even though his parents were teachers, they still had time for raising their kids right. He is far from being a wuss, he is there for her to lean on and suports her and makes her laugh (which he loves to hear). He has a young son and I just can't wait to meet him and play grandma.. My daughters husband did not want kids one day, then kids the next day, even though he was more of a child himself, that's why she left him. She's a Scorpio and needs someone stronger than herself to deal with her - believe me I know - I taught her to be strong.. So I know this world still has a chance if we parents care enough about our kids to give them proper guidance and examples. I know I'm ratteling off here, strong meds for cancer, but when it comes to my baby, there is just not stopping me sometimes. She is so caring of me that is makes me cry even now.. Well enough for now, but I guess you got the gist of how I feel about parents and children. Good Luck to you and your kid(s). ANOTHER GRATEFUL MOM!

[momincali]

Thank you for sharing that with me Chery. I'm glad to hear that your daughter turned out so put together, I love happy endings. You mentioned taking Cancer medication, I pray all goes well. I wish you and your daughter all the best.