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    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #61

    Nov 23, 2014, 06:29 AM
    Yes. Your husband is right. You cannot enable your son. Most people at his age have families and stable jobs. Your son does not. It is time he learns to take care of himself, and for us parents, sometimes that is hard.

    Mom, is there a chance he is addicted to drugs or alcohol?

    This is a tough time of year for many parents. The holidays are among us and we don't want our children to be alone. However, this is the path your son has chosen. Just as when he was a child, and you were teaching home some of life's lessons, so is the same now. There are consequences to his choices. To properly learn that lesson, he must live with the consequence to this choice. He chose to disrespect you. He has been given the opportunity to return home should he follow the rules, but he chose not to.

    Stand your ground and let him learn this lesson. You might talk to your counselor this week and tell him/her you need more frequent sessions to get through this.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,325, Reputation: 10855
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    #62

    Nov 23, 2014, 06:38 AM
    Even worse day to day so worried apparently he has about reached his overdraft limit. I am worried out if my mind?
    We all have done that and survived. Stop feeding your worries mom, as he will eventually figure it out. I think you just like to worry and fuss over your kids, especially this one, and have done it so long that you find it difficult not too. I get that, but at some point you have to get control of yourself, and RESPECT his right to try, fail, and regroup.
    Peedles's Avatar
    Peedles Posts: 32, Reputation: 1
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    #63

    Nov 23, 2014, 06:56 AM
    Yes he has some promo work about 3/4 days each week but the employment situation in our area is not good. I just find it do hard. He did have a drug problem about 5 years ago but we got him sorted out not on drugs now for sure. I am a worrier I know but find it so hard not to worry about him and his future. Maybe if he had a more regular job and was in a relationship it might be easier. Thanks again for your words I do get strength from them
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,325, Reputation: 10855
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    #64

    Nov 23, 2014, 07:43 AM
    I find it interesting you do not TRUST, and RELY on your husbands ACTIONS? For now that would be such an easy thing to do to follow his lead until you can work to be more OBJECTIVE, just because you KNOW you need to.

    You must be patient with the process, and I realize how difficult that is. It will get better eventually though it doesn't seem like it now. For now when the worry about your son rises, physically get up and do something good for yourself, or your husband, or focus on a simple task until its completed. In this way you will drain the worry energy and make it productive energy. It's a way to hug YOURSELF and feel a bit better.

    Practice that and then you will act on things you CAN control (YOU), and not dwell on the things you CANNOT control (YOUR SON). I am sure as you get more sessions in with your counsellor/therapist, these are the tools of Good Orderly Direction you will be guided too.

    Feed the positive, starve the negative.
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #65

    Nov 23, 2014, 07:58 AM
    Peedles... I may have missed it, but do you work outside the home? If not, would that be something that you might consider, even part-time? Or perhaps volunteer work? Do you have friends that you visit or do things with? Any sort of activities that you enjoy? Something new that you have always wanted to learn to do?

    What I am getting at is that having other things to occupy your time and thoughts with may be helpful. Focusing more on you and things that you like to do, or plan something fun to do with your husband, will be a benefit. Start having regular dates for example. You can each take turns planning something to do, even just going for walk, or visiting another town near by for the day.

    Now, as your children are getting more independent, is the time to start focusing more on you and on your relationship with your husband.

    Your children will benefit from seeing you being engaged in outside activities, enjoying life, and keeping your mind and body active. It is a great life lesson for them to see.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #66

    Nov 23, 2014, 08:40 AM
    I see the OP walking around the house, wringing her hands and working herself into a lather over this adult. This is not a good psychological profile to even consider. OP doesn't seem to be moving forward to a better mindset in spite of all of the 'bolstering' she is getting here. We are her crutch so to speak and she is leaning too much on it and not looking ahead to focusing on anyone else, or anything else in her future. There are a lot of moms here, I am one too, we all worry about our kids but, you and I have other day to day activities and full time jobs to take us away from any worry, for the time being, and to say the least turn our minds to other things for the next day and the next.

    Doula is right in suggesting something outside the home to occupy her mind; a distraction does wonders to promote a healthy outlook, which she does not have, as far as I can see therefore her son is taking up ALL of her thoughts, and I know from what she has posted that he does have problems, but he is an adult nonethless.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,325, Reputation: 10855
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    #67

    Nov 23, 2014, 09:03 AM
    The OP does work and has friends and is seeing a therapist. She is just early in the process, and is reaching out for hugs and support.

    I have seen doc am on anti depressants also having counselling. I have always been there for all my children and just feel I am letting him down not being there for him even though I know it's the right thing to do. Made even worse by the fact the Christmas is fast approaching. But that said I don't feel I have any other option.
    I can't bear to talk about Christmas as the moment. I just don't sang him to feel alone or a afraid I'm rubbish aren't I ?

    Am 58 work in a beautiful clothes shop. Friends good and other family supportive. The fact that he may not be there for Christmas us not a problem as he wasn't when he was abroad but worry about him feeling sad and unhappy
    Some do take longer than others to get to that better place, and indeed the process may take years, and there are no quick fixes,or instant feel good successes.

    It's easier said than done, FOR SURE. Thats the problem with long posts though, much can be lost and forgotten. :)
    Peedles's Avatar
    Peedles Posts: 32, Reputation: 1
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    #68

    Nov 23, 2014, 01:23 PM
    Please don't leave me
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,325, Reputation: 10855
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    #69

    Nov 23, 2014, 02:15 PM
    No worries :)
    Peedles's Avatar
    Peedles Posts: 32, Reputation: 1
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    #70

    Nov 24, 2014, 02:42 AM
    Thank you - am back to see the therapist this evening. I really need this help right now please continue with this much needed and appreciated help.
    Peedles's Avatar
    Peedles Posts: 32, Reputation: 1
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    #71

    Nov 24, 2014, 02:58 AM
    Oh and yes as posted I do work and do other things but this worry is always with me.
    Peedles's Avatar
    Peedles Posts: 32, Reputation: 1
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    #72

    Nov 25, 2014, 01:39 AM
    Went to see the therapist last night and she says their policy is to always leave communication lines open. Not sure if we have done that? We sent him an e mail last week to say the door is open if fe wants to come and talk to us and make some changes but we are not in contact other than that. His dad did meet up with him also 3 weeks ago but he said he wouldn't change. Oh dear your thoughts would be appreciated?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #73

    Nov 25, 2014, 03:52 AM
    You can not control his communication, All you can do, is allow him to email you or message you, as long as those communications are not being done, merely to harm you. I may disagree with the therapist to a point, if the one party is trying to control or use fear to gain advantage, communication has to end, until the other person is willing to be honest in communication.

    A few weeks without communication is really nothing, the idea is, to allow communication, if and when he is ready. That may take a month, or it may take 6 months, only time will tell that.

    I set the belongings of my son, in bags on the porch of my home once time, He had a drug issue and was not working, and bring people with weapons into my home. He did not talk to me for almost 9 months. He lived in his car for about 3 and with friends other times.

    Later, he found there was no free ride and even friends would not pay his way for long.

    He decided to do better. And proved it on his own before, I helped, I would not merely take his word, but wanted to see actions.

    Then, I still did not let him back into my home, but I help pay for a small one room apartment to let him get established on his own.

    He went back and got his GED, and started working. He now drives for one of the delivery companies and has a good job.

    You have to be tough, and know that he has to suffer some, to really want to change, now, he will be trying to use you and get too you. Only after he comes to understand, he is wrong, will real change happen
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #74

    Nov 25, 2014, 04:44 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Peedles View Post
    Went to see the therapist last night and she says their policy is to always leave communication lines open. Not sure if we have done that? We sent him an e mail last week to say the door is open if fe wants to come and talk to us and make some changes but we are not in contact other than that. His dad did meet up with him also 3 weeks ago but he said he wouldn't change. Oh dear your thoughts would be appreciated?
    Oh, heavens. What can we say that we have not already said?

    About keeping lines of communication open. You have this lines open, your son chooses not to communicate. Your son said he wouldn't change. Than he won't change. At least not until he hits rock bottom.

    Peedles, I'm not sure what you expect from us, but our advice is now becoming repetitious. None of our advice has changed, nor will it. I have said it before, and this is the last time I will say it. It is time you cut the umbilical cord. He is a big boy mom, he can take care of himself. He has no one to blame if he falls flat on his face except for himself.

    As an FYI, I have been in a similar position with my 27 year old son. We now have a wonderful relationship and he says it is because his father and I gave him no choice but to face the consequences to his actions.

    Peedles, if you continue down this path you are going to ruin the holidays for your other 2 children. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get off the pity pot.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #75

    Nov 25, 2014, 04:48 AM
    You think or feel he is going to change greatly, very quickly, you need to be ready for weeks and maybe months of almost no contact.

    You sent the email, and let it go, just wait now, till he is ready,
    Peedles's Avatar
    Peedles Posts: 32, Reputation: 1
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    #76

    Nov 25, 2014, 04:55 AM
    Thanks
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #77

    Nov 25, 2014, 05:13 AM
    I went almost a year with no contact from my son who is now 27. I had a choice.. Wallow in self pity or put on my big girl panties and give attention to my other 3 children. Guess what I chose?

    Peedles, your son may be on a self-destructive path, but so are you. You can't spend all of your energy just on this one son. Sometimes it's just best to let go, no matter how hard it is. There are others in your family who need you. If you continue this pity party you may find yourself alone with no husband and no contact from your children. Most people don't want to be with negative people.

    I know you can find it in yourself to be strong. You have a backbone, you just need to find it.

    If you are not on medication, it might get time to consider it. If you are, it might be time to talk to your prescriber about changing it.
    J_9's Avatar
    J_9 Posts: 40,298, Reputation: 5646
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    #78

    Nov 25, 2014, 05:23 AM
    Lastly, I for one, will no longer respond to your negativity. When you have something positive to post, please do so and I will respond accordingly. I would rather reward positive behavior than perpetuate negative behavior.
    Chloe Edwards's Avatar
    Chloe Edwards Posts: 38, Reputation: 3
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    #79

    Nov 25, 2014, 07:58 AM
    Peedles, let him learn to big boy. If he falls down he will be the resposible because he is not a kid anymore. I hope you have gotten your advice, and you'll not get any negativity in your mind. Be brave and let him learn for his good only.

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