[Help77]

My fiancé and I are due to get married in 30 days. We got into a fight 4 days ago and he said we should take a break or postpone the wedding because he was tired of fighting every weekend for the past month. He has also been suffering from prostatitis, he feels pressure in his private and it burns with he pees or ejaculates therefore we haven't been able to be intimate in the past 2-3 months. We would still cuddle hold hands and be very affectionate.

The fight occurred because I have been feeling not wanted sexually even though I know we have been to the doctor together and he has pretty cried to me saying he can't even masturbate because he is afraid - I went through his phone- I fully trust him and I went through his phone I regret doing it but I found a text to one of his guy friends saying "take pictures of hotties at the gym and send them to me" that text message crushed me I confronted him about it he says I don't trust him and he turned it around on me and didn't even give me an explanation. He left, hasn't been home for 4 days has been with his sister.

I know he would never cheat but it was just the point of it. He claims he walks on eggshells and can't seem to ever make me happy. I always tell him he makes me happy and that I love him very much. He made an apt for me to go speak to the priest. I went yesterday and confided in the priest. My fiancé will be going tomorrow to speak to the priest.

I'm so hurt and confused is this it? Over a stupid fight that could've been spoken about instead he runs away!

[Oliver2011]

You know, hot girls don't go away just because you are getting married. And he's not going blind because you are getting married either. I think you are overreacting. And nothing good comes from snooping.

[Help77]

I did apologize to him and I told him I wanted to drop the argument and that I pleasewanted him home he said not yet I don't want to argue I said I don't want to argue either I love you and miss you very much. He told me he loved me but was tired of the arguing and walking on eggshells :(

[joypulv]

I'm sorry but you sound AWFUL. You don't seem to have a clue what kind of pain he is in, and yet you are so insecure that you don't feel wanted sexually??? Of course you don't! If you were pregnant and throwing up or about to go into labor would you want him sexually? As if that isn't enough, you say you fully trust him but went through his phone all in the same breath! WOW! And finally, the hotties at the gym: the poor guy can't even masturbate and you won't even let his friend send him PICTURES that aren't even porn or prostitutes?
TRIPLE AWFUL. If I were he, I wouldn't go through with this. You have zero right to be hurt. You don't seem capable of putting yourself in someone else's shoes, and are totally about your own selfish self only. I just see this happening over and over, even if you see the light about what is going on right now.

Oh - and he shouldn't be in so much pain with an enlarged prostate. Sounds like he might have a urinary tract infection too. Some can be passed back and forth during sex, so both partners need to be tested and treated. Or kidney stones or something. A GOOD doctor would not let him go with so much pain.

[Help77]

I know thank you for the harsh much needed answer I do realize that I was insensitive and I don't know what to do about it or how to make it better I feel terrible. I love him. I miss him and I pray that he gets well. I just don't know what to do anymore. I was selfish, controlling and stupid all in one.

[Jake2008]

In addition to what Joy has said, I'd like to offer something.

It takes two to argue, and it takes two mature, loving people, to actually solve an argument. Being angry, and being mature enough to express that anger, and come to some mutual conclusion, or end, to the argument, is essential. Otherwise, like now, you remember the argument, but you don't remember anything about any resolve, because it wasn't resolved.

The trouble with that is, the next argument, and the next, and so on, will end up in the same place, and each argument will end up with confusion, more anger, and no resolve, until it seems hopeless to even try.

I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater here, but, I would at least delay the wedding until the two of you learn how to communicate better. If that doesn't happen, your marriage won't be any different, when arguments and differences occur.

Also I don't think it's up to you to make him go to a Doctor- he has to be a big boy and take care of his physical problems himself. That he blames a lot of how he feels, on having physical problems, is both an excuse and a problem, both of which don't solve any problems.

I'm wondering if you would have ended up in the same place had he had nothing wrong with him.

[CravenMorhead]

What struck me here, and I apologize for responding so late, is that he is saying that he needs to walk on egg shells around you. I got a feeling that this isn't the first such incident that has occurred in this relationship. I have a feeling that there have been many arguments when you are talking AT him and not talking to him. It feels like he's the one that is always doing wrong, being inconsiderate, forgetting things, and you're the one that does no wrong. IE, he's always apologizing for whatever just happened to keep you happy. I think he's starting to see how his life is going to be for the foreseeable future and he's scared. Hence the running to his sisters.

I don't know how to fix that. I just got a feeling that the issues might be deeper then intimacy and snooping.

[smoothy]

If MY wife had given me that kind of crap before we got married... I would have not only postponed it... I would have canceled it.

That's speaking as a guy... if you were going to do this BEFORE a wedding, you WILL do far worse after one, knowing its far harder for him or you to simply walk away.

That's simply being blunt. Not mean.

[Help77]

We have been fighting every weekend for the past month. Not only did I accuse him of the pictures but I also made him feel bad about an surprise I planned for him- I bought him his favorite football team tickets, where we had to drive 6-7 hours to get there and he said he appreciated it but that he didn't want to go- I cried- he tried to appease me by saying lets go but I told him no because I didn't want to force him- let me cry and Id be okay- it made me feel terrible because I had wanted to surprise him and put a smile on his face we fought for about an hour then we fell asleep when I wokeup I didn't bring it up or say anything about it instead I cooked and we ended up watching the game on TV. We also fought about looking for houses in a flood zone I told him I didn't want to live in a flood zone. It's been stupid fights. I should've been more understanding and not been angry in each situation. That is why he says he walks on eggshells. I don't want to be like this and I am searching within myself and searching self help books to help me not be so sensitive and controlling. I appreciate everyone's advice and want to hear the bluntness it's not being mean, I agree. Thank you for all your help. I am hoping to fix myself so I can be the normal woman he met and to hopefully become a good wife for him if all works out not a mean, miserable witch (for no reason!)

[Fr_Chuck]

I would say postpone the wedding, and if you two are still talking, start going to counseling. There are serious trust issues from your side, You went though his phone, I agree, if my girlfriend had done that, I would have been out the door.
That is a sign you don't trust him.

Guess what, guys look at hot girls. He does now, and he will after he is married, it is called "looking" he may even look at porn, many guys do that also.

You need to understand he has a life and you need to learn some boundries.

Also, did you ask him if he wanted to drive 6 hours, I know, almost nothing will make me drive 6 or 7 hours, was this to be a 3 or ,4 day trip, drive one day, game one day, drive home another ?

[Help77]

I agree with everything you said. I regret it I wish I never went through his phone bc then this whole mess wouldn't have happened. I know he looks at porn, we watch it together sometimes and I know he looks at girls. I was just crushed because these are real girls that they are taking pics of at the gym, it bothered me. But I guess it is a form of porn for him. And again I trust he would never do anything I just wish I had never said anything about it it's a guy thing.
No, I didn't ask him about 6-7 hr drive I just assumed he'd say yes bc he loves his football and his team is in the west coast, I couldn't take him to the west coast but I could've taken him on a 6-7 hr road trip, he said "I wish you would've asked me before getting the tickets" I understand now but in that moment I just wanted to surprise him and make him happy. I know now I won't do that again and I'll consult with him first. I will abide by our/his boundaries and I won't ever do that again because no good comes from it.

[talaniman]

I think you have learned to think before you act or speak, so you won't have to apologize for impulsive, emotional, words or actions. Give him space to cool off, get counsel, and regroup. I don't think this is the end, just a start to learning each other better, and finding a way to resolve your issue to the benefit of you both.

You both will have to reassure each other that you are willing to work on your flaw, as I am sure that he has as many as you do. Yours may have popped off this time but his will surely pop off in the future and I dare say have before.

Couple only survive as long as there is a willingness to keep working on it. Finding a way is a challenge that will never end.

[Help77]

Thank you for your kind words. I spoke to my fiancé yesterday he says that he would meet up with the priest today and speak to him then we'd go speak to him together sometime this weekend. He told me that we had to see if we can work this out because he was tired of fighting and he doesn't want to keep "working on things and working on things". He also said that we needed to come up with a decision by this upcoming week on what to do with the wedding. I am giving him his space and praying he doesn't postpone the wedding. I learned the hard way I should've been more sensitive to him and should've never invaded his privacy. I'm so stupid for crossing that line. Can anyone suggest any reading material on how to improve oneself? Thank you again to everyone's imput means a lot and helps me a lot. Thank you!

[smoothy]

You are welcome, and thank you for listening and not just getting angry like some would. Someone else will have to suggest some reading material appropriate for this situation as I can't make any recommendations there.

[joypulv]

Please ask him to take care of his physical health. I know a lot about chronic pain. It fogs my mind, wears me out, I don't want to go anywhere, I'm forgetful, I get easily depressed.
Men are notoriously unwilling to tell doctors about pain for the most part.
The doctor should be before the priest, so that the priest doesn't have to sort out pain from emotional problems.
Why don't you see the priest too, separately, and then he might want to see you together?
I do admire your willingness to accept criticism. Many come here and get all defensive. So there's hope for you two.

I'm 68. I didn't stay married more than 13 years. (We didn't fight; he left me for a younger woman, but we were sort of distant from each other, so it's not so different from fighting - and chronic pain played a part.) I can see all sorts of ways we failed to communicate with each other. One thing we were pretty good at though was allowing each other to live our own lives. You are one rail of the railroad track, and he is the other. You don't cross over into demands and jealousies and insecurities or you derail.

Remember - you are hoping to spend the rest of your life with him! YIKES! Be your own self, your own person, with your own life for when he's doing what he likes to do, or has to do! ENJOY time apart as well as together. You need it too for practical reasons - he might die. You need a life that doesn't fall to pieces if something happens.

[Help77]

I sincerely appreciate the advice I get from here. I come seeking advice to change or to see things from a different perspective. Some people are just silly and dislike what they read I guess. Thank you smoothy I will continue searching the Internet for s good guide.

Joypuly- you were right for calling me awful. Sometimes I wish my fiancé would communicate more with me in telling me that I'm being mean or harsh. I grew up in a strict household where I became independent at a young age and learned to deal with hard situations my fiancé is much more sensitive and loving then I am and sometimes I get lost in my old ways- I'll have to work on that as well. But, anyway I'm sorry about your past relationship. I do allow my fiancé to live his own life he goes out w friends once a week and I've never said anything about his whereabouts in fact I encourage him to go because I feels it's very healthy. My insecurities come from within myself and I try to mirror them upon him and it's not fair and it unacceptable and I knkw that I will lose him like that so I must change. As for the priest I went on Wednesday it was good to speak to him he made me see things in a different light which was very comforting and hopeful for me. My fiancé went today and he just texted me that "The priest made a lot of good points..it felt good talking.." I am again very hopeful because my fiancé never wanted to talk to anyone about his problems he refused couples counseling even when I went by myself a few times he never said 'maybe' he always said 'no,no,no' so I'm glad he found it helpful tonight to speak to the priest. We have an apt on Wednesday to go together to see the priest. I am hoping for the best! But overall your right about everything- his health is very important he has been going to the same urologist for about 2 months he's gotten second and third opinions they all tell him that his problem should go away on its own. I will also look into either a hobby or going back to school to keep busy. Thank you again. We will see what happens! I will keep you guys posted.

[Help77]

He said the best thing to do is postpone the wedding. 5 years of being together, 2 of those years living together. The wedding would've been in 29 days! What's going on! He needs another few months to decide if he wants to marry me all because of a few arguments! Does the past 5 years not count as anything? He said he was coming this evening to talk face to face it's 7pm and I still haven't heard from him. I feel disrespected and as if he was waiting for the moment to up and run and I messed up this month and he runs w it! I am devastated. Why postpone why not just cancel it and end the relationship! We're going to lose 11,000 for venue, 5,000 for Video, 3,000 for limos. I don't get it if he didn't want this why did he pursue me, propose. We were looking and picking out the cake and flowers a week ago!!!!

[teacherjenn4]

How can you be upset if you've realized how he has been feeling? Did you expect to apologize and then the wedding would be back on? If you're worried about the loss of the deposits, throw a great party at your venue, or better yet, find someone who can't afford it and donate it to them.

[talaniman]

He said the best thing to do is postpone the wedding. 5 years of being together, 2 of those years living together. The wedding would've been in 29 days! What's going on! He needs another few months to decide if he wants to marry me all because of a few arguments! Does the past 5 years not count as anything? He said he was coming this evening to talk face to face it's 7pm and I still haven't heard from him. I feel disrespected and as if he was waiting for the moment to up and run and I messed up this month and he runs w it! I am devastated. Why postpone why not just cancel it and end the relationship! We're going to lose 11,000 for venue, 5,000 for Video, 3,000 for limos. I don't get it if he didn't want this why did he pursue me, propose. We were looking and picking out the cake and flowers a week ago!!!!

As he has re-evaluated things, maybe its time to re-evaluate things for yourself in an honest way given the recent facts and events that have presented themselves. Your whole focus seems directed at this wedding, and not solving conflicts that seem to endanger that wedding.

Maybe such an elaborate event is not what a guy with physical challenges needs right now, and the emotional fallout of your snooping. There seems to be a bigger problem(s) to be solved before a celebration can take place. Maybe you shouldn't just ignore his behavior, or reactions to those problems any longer.

Questioning why he has done things the way he has so far is only half the conflict.

[Help77]

I understand what you are saying but I want to fix things. And I am on my way towards recovery. I have been reading many self help books on insecurity and realize where the root of my problem is. The thing is he hasn't been home in a week now. He said he would come over last night and he didn't. I did see his car parked in the lot as I went to throw out garbage I called him he said he needed alone time and took a walk. I said okay. He never showed up. I can't work on a relationship alone. If he is done w the relationship I just don't understand why he doesn't say so. I believe a week is more then enough time to cool off and being that we've been together for so long he should know whether he wants this or not.