[vivia12]

Hello Everyone!

I used to be a regular on this site but now I am posting again. My Bf of 15 years wants to call it quits. I met him when he was in Graduate school in Louisiana, then we went from state to state, well I mostly followed him for his school, and career.

Wherever we went, I tried to build my life there with him. Now I am in my almost mid 40's, (he is three years younger than I am) I wanted a family, and more of a commitment after all these years. I spoke to him about this before and he always shied away from it. Last winter I tried to to him about having a child, he didn't want that either, and we had many arguments and disagreement, where he says the most hurtful things that I wonder where did my real boyfriend go?

So now we moved to this 3rd place in Illinois where the last winter was real harsh, where we moved for his job. Every day since we got here he claims that he really hates his job, this place, the harsh winter there-(We moved from Hawaii), but now the hatred of his life here in has extended to me, now he thinks I am the problem and wants to break up. His plans is quit his job and move out of this area and I go my way. We had many discussions, more like disagreements what turned into fights, where he keeps yelling its not working, you want a kid I don't. Well I have not mentioned having a kid anymore since he was against it but still wanted to be with him, even though he and I really didn't have an intimate relationship in years, so yes I settled for crumbs and now the crumbs are taken away.

The thing is he is very important to me and I do love him enough to perhaps forego wanting a child, but its not enough, he still wants to break up, says he doesn't want to be blamed later. It's as if he doesn't want to listen to reason at all, he didn't even want to celebrate our last anniversary at all, even though I asked can't we celebrate is as knowing each other? This man won't budge at all, little by little he is shutting me out of his life. Recently he went to his sister's birthday gathering, and he didn't want me there. It really hurts so I keep asking is there someone else? He denies and denies it even though he's on his computer every single night, even before way we moved here. Sometimes I see him smile at the computer but he claims he's not talking to anyone.

This really hurts, we live together, I don't have a job, just a small trust where I get some money a month but not a lot. I am looking for work, I don't know whether I should stay in the area or go out of state? I am deeply hurt. I do not recognize who this person I was with for 15 years at all. I still think he has someone else in the wings though he adamantly denies it.

Please any advice, insight will surely be grateful. I feel all my identity went to taking care of him now he's taking care of himself and wants me out and being nasty about it.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well of course part of the issue, you say your ID is lost in him. That should never happen, you should have always, have own friends, own actives you do. Since he no kids, no reason you should not have always worked.

So, you decide, where you want to live, where you have friends and family, move back there and start a new life.

15 years of no real commitment, should have been a serious sign of problems

[mmresd]

It seems as if he has allowed himself to disappear into the relationship's entity. If he is done, all you can do is respect his decision and start again elsewhere. Next time, make sure that both of you have your own entities as well as develop the relationship that both of you are wanting.

[Triysle]

My post may sound harsh, but I want to make it clear that it is not my intention to make you feel bad about yourself or imply that you are not a good person.

Your partner is a well-educated, financially independent man who does not want a long-term committed relationship or children. You do not have a job, have followed your partner all over the country, and do want a long term committed relationship and children.

He is not a better person than you, but he does want a different life than you. Unfortunately, you waited for 15 years expecting him to eventually change his mind, and he hasn't. You need to take some responsibility in this, and you need to acknowledge that he's not a bad guy for wanting his own life.

You have demonstrated some fairly significant insecurity with your accusations of him cheating, even to the point of getting jealous when he smiles at his computer. This is a huge warning sign, for me at least, that you are not happy with your own life and you probably don't know what you would do if this relationship didn't work out.

My advice - let him go, and figure out exactly how you can take care of yourself, live your own life, and find your own happiness. You've given a huge portion of your life to this man, but what do you, by yourself, have to show for it?

Now, time for some tough questions. You say you don't recognize this man, but do you recognize yourself? What goals did you have before you met this guy? What did you want from your life, both professionally and personally? Have you reached any of those goals, or did you put them all aside and focus entirely on this other person?

Please take the time to love yourself again. You can't expect anyone else to love you until you can do that. Best wishes.

[talaniman]

You have followed this fellow for 15 years and have hit a brick wall. You need to make a major life changing decision to stop following and find a path to your own happiness. Not easy after 15 years of following, but even you can see that following him has gotten you nowhere you want to be.

15 years is far too long to have NEGLECTED yourself. Curious though having read, and answered your other questions though if this was the same guy you have been posting about before?

If it is, you have ignored MANY red flags over the years to be with this fellow, and its no wonder things have come to a dead end.