[anim31401]

My boyfriend (30s) and I (20s) have known each other since July but after being with him I've found out that he's struggling financially now. I don't want to sound selfish or anything but I'm from a low-income home and the fact that he's financially struggling right now its just the biggest turn off to me. Ever since I was a kid I sacrificed my happiness for my mother because she was low on money. I basically had no childhood because of that. And now I'm going to school and working I thought it would be time for me to actually do things in my life and enjoy it. I just don't feel right with the whole situation. Money is something I stress about and I'm very picky on how I spend it just because of my childhood. I don't want to end up in the same boat as my mother years down the line when I'm in my 40s and the whole not having money thing just scares me to death. I support him of course but I'm getting fed up because now I'm not as secure as I used to because of him. He said he's not with me for my money but the thing is I don't have money. He said he's made a lot of mistakes in his life and that's why he's not stable right now. Am I just being selfish because I've always wanted to be successful in life and now that I'm with someone I like, I find out that he's building up his life now, trying to get the pieces together and that's a turn off to me. I don't know maybe I'm asking for too much but I don't know how long I can support him for and to tell the truth I have a lot going on right now and working towards my goal to be stable is just harder now that he's in the picture.

[Alty]

When you say that you're supporting him, do you mean financially or emotionally? If it's financially, then I can understand the resentment, and I'd even call you out as not being very practical. You've known him since July, so 3 months? No way that there's enough a commitment there for you to be financially supporting this guy. He's 30, he made his bed, let him lay in it.

Now, if you mean you're only supporting him emotionally, I don't see the problem. His lack of money has no effect on what you earn. Take care of yourself. It's not like you two are getting married and he's going to drag you down because he's not good with money.

Bottom line, you've known this guy 3 months tops. If you no longer like him because of his issues, than dump him and move on. It's not like you two have built a life together. Heck, at 3 months you barely know him.

[DoulaLC]

Maybe you just aren't ready to be in a serious relationship right now. With so much going on in your own life, and wanting to make sure that you are secure financially, perhaps that should be your focus right now, along with your education. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel safe financially, especially given your background. If the relationship causes too much stress, and also negative feelings towards him, then maybe it is time to be on your own for awhile longer.

What is he doing to turn things around for himself? You mentioned that he said he had made some mistakes in the past... has he learned from them? Is he working at doing better?
If you are looking for stability, and he isn't in a place in his life to help provide that for you, and unfortunately makes it even more difficult for you to attain that, then move on.

Sometimes timing is everything.

[smoothy]

I'm a guy and I'm saying he's a moocher. At some point you will break up and kiss all that money goodbye. Unless you loaned it to him with promisary notes in writing... it will be impossible to get back.

I'd never support or give more than $20 to someone I wasn't married to. Relationsships are far too fleeting and the debt will usually outlast the relationship. And you will never get it back.

After only 3 months....I wouldn't even give someone $20 without expecting it to be paid back the next day.

[joypulv]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with anything you said.
Countless people are in this situation after the romance has calmed down enough to actually see what you are living with.
Finances, studies have routinely shown, are the number one cause of dissension between the two people of a couple.
You are the only one who knows the little daily nuances of just how he depends on your support. Someone really getting his life back together would deprive himself of everything, and I mean every beer and coffee out and cigarette and gas for his car, and would live on bread and water while he pounds the pavement or sends out resumes.

The question is how to say so? Do you say 'Contribute equally or else?' Do you soften it, saying that you just aren't happy with the unequal contribution and don't feel like waiting for his life to work out? That's pretty much what I would say, and if he says that he just needs a little more time, I'd say that you have been silently waiting longer than you wanted to already.
How well do you know his past? It's possible that this is a pattern.

[anim31401]

I'm supporting him financially and emotionally. I know I'm not ready to financially support someone right now even though I loaned it out to him. He said I shouldn't stress about his business but then if I'm helping him out financially and doesn't that mean I'm already in too deep. He has a job now but I don't know how long he can keep the job because of his record. He wants to go to school in January but is still going to the process of applying. He could go to court to get his record clean but he doesn't have money for that right now.

I would say I'm not happy because of the unequal contribution and I don't want to wait. I've been waiting for my mother to get stable and I don't have energy to add another person into that equation.

[smoothy]

If you don't have one now... get him to sign a promissory note specifying how much you have loaned him. Otherwise you won't have a snowballs chance in hell to win a lawsuit to get it back when it comes to that. (I say when not if because every situation I've known like this has ended badly)

[DoulaLC]

What would happen if you just told him that you really can't afford to help him out anymore? Are the two of you living together? What did he do before he met you for his money? Are you helping him out because he asks you to or are you feeling obligated for some reason, such as you being his girlfriend somehow makes it partly your responsibility?

Youve taken on quite a bit for only being together a few months.

[mmresd]

Tell him that you want someone in your life who promotes it and not someone who doesn't fight for their own stability and much less both of you guys' stability. Also, maybe it's time for you guys to make some space between you two and try to stand on your own feet, so that he can learn how to take care of himself. You have been a supportive girlfriend, it's a thing line between that and a girlfriend he gets used to take advantage of.

[talaniman]

Yet another fizzled relationship? Cut your losses as you are repeating a pattern of picking flawed boyfriends. Can't you just date for fun while living a good life, and not getting o deeply involved so fast?