[countrystud1986]

My girlfriend broke up with me after 2 years, and I realize how I hadn't given her the time or affection that she wanted in the relationship; I work a lot but there was no excuse for not giving her the time she wanted; we got along great when together. It ended quite badly because of a situation involving buying a house and land (which we couldn't quite afford yet, and even without living together first which I wanted to do; plus I'm taking my master's degree which is expensive for 2 more years) but the lack of time was the biggest issue; it was tough given we live an hour apart from each other but we never had an issue the first year. I still think about her a lot (broke up 4 months ago); 3 texts sent over those 4 months and tried calling her once, that's it. I never apologized fully for my part (since it's taken so long to realize it) and I want to send a text to ask her if we could meet up (or talk on the phone) so I could apologize for what I know I did wrong. Is this a legitimate thing to do? Or not? I realize it's close to never being able to recover from (but not saying 'never' because obviously then I wouldn't be asking this) and that I am the one who screwed up. We never had any big issues at all when we were together, even during the last few months, it was all about my selfishness and work obsession. What do you think? I'm 28, she's 24 and we both make decent, but not great income.

[smoothy]

The damage is done... you both need to move on, nothing that can be said or done by either party can change anything. Learn from your mistakes, do your best to not repeat them with a new, untainted relationship.

Sometimes apologies just rub salt in the wound when what it needs is to be left alone to heal. This really is about selfishness and what you want... you are trying to exonerate yourself in your own consciousness, when what's been done can't be undone. Apologies only have value if they are made immediately... the longer you wait the less value they have until they actually become harmful after a certain length of time. It only reopens old wounds.

[joypulv]

Three texts and a phone call? Call me old fashioned for being disgusted. You write a LETTER on PAPER, describing how you feel and why you are apologizing. You put some real effort and time into it. Then you wait. Maybe she will read it over several days or even weeks, maybe she will rip it up, maybe she won't even open it. You won't know unless she responds.

If you had texted me, you bet I would ignore it. It might be too late, but if you have the attitude that you can't work on this without some sign from her that it's worth it, then you definitely aren't worth it. Get it?

[talaniman]

Many people keep trying to show exes that they have changed, and deserve another chance to try again after they get dumped, and sometimes it works, and most times it doesn't. But if she hasn't given you any return to your texts, and calls in 4 months, then she probably has no intentions of hearing anything you have to say, and you may have to get your closure another way.

Guilt or shame about what you did, or didn't do does you no good, so regrets, and apologies are way too late now. She is leaving you alone, so leave her alone. In time you will get over this, and learn after a proper healing, and do better in the future.

I agree with Joy though, if all you want is to apologize, write a letter and be done with it. No begging for another chance, or expecting any response from her. I doubt you would get one anyway.

[Jake2008]

I see nothing wrong with asking to meet, but be specific! Offer to meet her at a coffee shop, just for coffee, and to talk.

Offer up a time, and say you will be there. You hope that she will be as well.

If she shows up, you can clear the air with your apology, and leave it at that. Or, it may open up the possibility of another coffee date. See how it goes.

If she doesn't show up, consider any chance to talk to her seriously, over.

Then you will know for sure, it is time to move on.

[Luck0rN0t]

I am in favor of writing a letter, on paper. The thing about apologizing that I have learned over the past year is that it is usually to make the person who is making the apology feel better. It is still a selfish act, unless it is an act of making amends... identifying your part and how you failed to do what you should have done, how you would do things differently, be specific, identify your part and leave out what she did or didn't do the way you think she should have. And, more importantly, what, if anything you can do now to rectify the past situation, regardless of the outcome or the future. Selfishness is really hard to "overcome" without actively practicing...

I feel like I can say that because selfishness and self-centered is how I have lived too many years of my life and I have to remind myself every day, sometimes, multiple times a day, that I need to be humble and think about other people. Sometimes co-workers, sometimes strangers, sometimes people I care about. It is a long and ongoing process...

Do you think about her just because she was the last girlfriend you had? Have you dated since then? Was it something "really special" or was it just comfortable and you miss the company?

I wish you luck with whatever path you choose.

[countrystud1986]

I'd like to thank everyone for their advice and opinions. I have written a letter and yes, it's completely written with the intent of addressing the mistakes I had made specifically, I genuinely know that it's my fault and am quite sure of what I did wrong. Though I suppose it's still a bit selfish, since I always hope for that tiny chance that it will have her consider it and respond; I must be honest and admit that. As far as it being 'special' well I certainly think so, though even though I'm 28 this was the first relationship of any substantial length I've had so that may play a part in it; I'm not that young anymore and that also adds to the stress, but that's not nearly as impactful as realizing what I had is lost. But yes thanks, I think I'll follow through with the handwritten letter. I know it's simple cause and effect; I screwed it up so it's likely ended with that, but it's still tough to accept and deal with, so I think this'll be at least an act of closure.

[mmresd]

This depends... the relationship is over. If you are going to apologize about it and move on I don't see a problem with it, but if you were over it then I would see no reason as to why you would want to apologize. If you are using this apology in hopes that she will want to pursue something with you I highly recommend against it.