[Triysle]

Hi everyone.

As the title states, I'm single again after almost five years. I came to this site after my last breakup and the community here really helped me heal. In reading my old posts I've come to realize that the best thing I can do is take my own advice, but there are a few new issues that I'm not sure how to deal with. I'm hoping some of you can share your perspectives and maybe help me muddle through.

We met in 2006, but we didn't start dating until 2009 (about 9 months after my previous relationship had ended). We decided to move in together in 2010, and I ended up getting a job in California and moved out in 2011. We stayed together through this and she ended up getting a job out here as well and moving in with me in 2012.

When we lived together on the east coast, I was in pretty good shape. I was regularly participating in physical activities like hockey, martial arts, and swimming. I was also still in the military so I trained as most soldiers do plus I was working physically demanding jobs. Though I considered her a beautiful woman, she was not happy with her physical appearance and started working out and training as well. However, I was in a terrible financial state, and for most of our time together on the east coast she supported me.

This financial trouble put a huge strain on the relationship, but when I moved to California and took a much better job, I decided to return the favor and covered her share of the rent for the first year. Unfortunately, I had ceased all of my physical activity upon arriving in Cali, plus my new job was a desk job. I had gained nearly 70 lbs since she'd seen me last, and she confessed to me about a year later that she didn't even recognize me and was no longer attracted to me. This issue was exacerbated by the fact that she was much more physically active and had made significant progress in her goals.

Our previous big issue was the financial dependence and since I was stable in that regard we decided to stick it out because she had faith in me that I could return to a healthier lifestyle. Time and time again I would try a new workout plan, or a new diet, sometimes with her and sometimes on my own. Nothing stuck. I stopped gaining weight and even lost about 20 lbs, but I hit a plateau and stopped seeing results around 250. This continued up until about a month ago when I got a new job and finally started feeling better about myself, but the damage was done.

She told me that even if I do start seeing results now, she won't be able to believe that I did it for myself instead of doing it to save the relationship. She wants to be with someone that she didn't have to "fix" and motivates himself independently. It hurts, but I understand her reasoning and respect her for it. One of the best parts of our relationship was our honesty - we always talked about how we felt, even if it hurt, because we wanted to give each other a fair shot at dealing with our problems. She certainly gave me plenty of chances in this regard, and I squandered them.

We ended things amicably enough, and this is really the crux of where I'm looking for your feedback and advice. We currently have no alternative housing options - we're already in the cheapest part of the area and we can't afford to move out right now. We're in a 2-bedroom so we can at least have separate rooms, and I'm hoping this will give us the space we need to heal. As for NC, we're doing what we can. I'm in the process of getting a new phone (since it's the only bill we still share besides rent) and we're both busy enough with jobs and hobbies that we won't see much of each other. We also agreed that if we decide to start seeing other people we won't bring them home, at least for now.

My main concern is that after all we've been through, I won't be able to give myself enough distance to sufficiently heal. She's my best friend and she's the only person I have out here that I feel I can really rely on (a sentiment she shares with me). I'm still going to the gym regularly and I haven't lost any productivity at work. I think part of the reason I'm not as much of a wreck is that we both saw this coming for awhile and we'd been emotionally dealing with it for this long already. Still, the finality of it is difficult.

She did say that she wants to stay friends and that she doesn't want me out of her life, but I know that I need the space to heal right now. And primarily, I've acknowledged that while part of me still holds out hope that we'll end up together again, I can't allow that feeling to cloud my motivation or judgment. As much as I want to deny it, it's still present and I'd be foolish to lie to myself about it.

Do any of you have a similar experience or lessons you can share, especially regarding the housing situation? Thanks for reading and letting me share my story, regardless.

PS - We don't have children but we do have a dog. We agreed that when we move out, she will take him. I'll really miss him but she's in a better place financially and schedule-wise to give him the care and attention he needs.

[talaniman]

Get your own place and on your feet ASAP, even if you have to struggle. Be friends later maybe but get your life in order PDQ. It was a great ride while it lasted but when its over get off it.

Even a guy roommate for now while you regroup, and recoup. She may be nice about it, and thats cool, but no doubt wants you gone.

[Triysle]

Thanks Tal. I talked to some co-workers and a few friends but the soonest I could make anything work with those guys is at least 2 months. Last we talked she was also looking but didn't give me a time frame. Next step is to start checking craigslist to see if anyone wants a roommate.

[talaniman]

I'm old school, the classified ads in the newspaper are a great source of possibilities.

[Triysle]

Wanted to give a quick update.

I'm keeping the place and have a lot of roommate options lined up thanks to Craigslist. She'll be moving out by the first of November, and until then we've been giving each other enough space to heal and figure out our lives apart.

I've gotten music back into my life, even got a gig for the first time in three years! It felt amazing to have an audience again, and I have another one set for next week.

I've hit all of my fitness and food goals for three weeks running now. I started these before the breakup, but as much as it hurt I refuse to let it get in the way of my own success.

I also had a pretty big realization - I really have been unhappy in this relationship for the past two years. I had been measuring myself by her standards instead of living my own life and finding happiness for my own sake. The breakup has been a cold dose of reality, forcing me to face my life on my own and acting as the catalyst for me to discover my own self-worth again.

It's also been great to discover how much my family and friends really do care about me and have been there for me when I needed someone to talk to or just a shoulder to cry on.

I won't pretend that I'm completely over her. It hasn't even been two weeks. I will recognize that I'm moving in the right direction, and if nothing else the accomplishments and pride I've recently found in myself only further prove that she and I were not a good fit as a couple.

I appreciate your advice, as always, Tal. I'm looking forward to checking into these forums every week or so and hopefully helping others deal with the struggles we all face during these times in our lives.

[Fr_Chuck]

First, I hope you get back to being fit.

But I will say this. If she lost her romantic feeling for you, because of looks, be glad you got rid of her, She would be superficial and not a real love. A person who is really in love with you. Would not care if you gained 100 lbs, would not care I you lost a let, would not care if you got disabled in a wheel chair.

So, the fact your weight gain, bothered her, to the point of not wanting to be a couple, is a obvious sign, that there was not real feelings to start with

[Triysle]

Thanks Chuck. In fairness to her, she communicated her concerns on this to me years ago, and I chose to stick around and try and make it work. I believed it wasn't just an attraction issue but a lifestyle issue. She wanted someone that could keep up with her on backpacking trips and other physically demanding activities.

Maybe that was it, maybe there was more, I don't know. I do know that I've spent way too much time already trying to analyze it and figure it out. All I want to do at this point is focus on my own life and my personal goals. I know that my future self will thank me for the work I'm putting in now.

[Triysle]

Another update. I've secured a roommate and my ex found a new place to live. We've remained amicable throughout the process and are both looking forward to having our own spaces to heal and move on.

The past month has been a real eye opener for me. After my last relationship, I swore to myself that I wouldn't let another person become my entire focus on my life. I suppose it's human to make mistakes, and even repeat them, but this whole experience has shown me that I still have a lot to learn about myself and my own goals in life.

As the move out date draws nearer I find myself conflicted between a sense of relief to get my own space again and the sadness of the finality of the situation. Logically, I'm aware that the healing will take time and the pain will only fade slowly. Emotionally... well, I can at least remain productive and focused at work and with my music.

It's just the alone time, you know? To be honest, I've never truly been alone. Before I moved out west, I had my family and friends as a safety net in case things got too overwhelming. My ex moved out just a few months after I left that all behind, and I've grown to rely on her to always have my back. It's definitely scary to know that the only person I have now is myself. I tell myself that I'm confident, and I rationally I know that I have a lot of things going for me - a steady job, a solid social life, hobbies, etc. But I always had her to talk to when I felt down, and I'll miss that the most, I think.

Anyway, I'm muddling through. One last habit I need to break - listening to sad breakup songs on Youtube, lol.

Thanks for reading :)

[talaniman]

It's just the alone time, you know? To be honest, I've never truly been alone.

If you see this as a challenge and OPPORTUNITY I have no doubt you will grow immensely from the experience, and emerge better for it. Hard to see NOW, but later understanding of yourself will be richly rewarded.

Can't do anything about your CHOICE of entertainment though, but you get tired of crying though, trust me.

Making adjustments suck at first.

[mmresd]

Use your own legs to stand on as soon as possible, if you cannot do so now, make a plan on how you can go about improving your logistics and work towards that.

PS. I have been in your shoes and have also felt what you said about coming back to this site and realizing that you just needed to follow your own advice. :)

[Triysle]

Update time! I've lost almost 50 lbs, my pants are falling off my ever-shrinking butt, and I'm happier than I've been in years. Not just with my progress, but with my life overall. My job just keeps getting better, I started volunteering again at food pantries/homeless shelters. Even tested the waters and went a few dates, and some of them actually went pretty well :)

I do highly recommend seeking out volunteer opportunities if you find yourself with a bunch of free time and think you're bored, because there's always someone out there who truly needs help (food/shelter/clothing). You might not have the extra supplies or cash, but you probably have the time (especially if the alternative is sitting on your couch watching sad movies and feeling sorry for yourself).

Thanks again to everyone here for posting advice and reading my story. Wish you all the best :)

[Alty]

Great update, and so happy to read your post, you sound so upbeat, and so positive, and well on your way to bigger and better things.

I hope you stick around, give other people advice on how to handle what you've been through. Pay it forward! :)