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Green Eyes · Apr 7, 2007, 02:08 PM

I graduate on a Saturday in June and someone who I thought was my best friend decided to get married on this same Saturday. I informed her that the time of my graduation was at 12:00 and politely told her I would like to attend her wedding so would she mind having it later in the day. She told me she planned to have the wedding at 12:30. She then told me I could come to the wedding late.

She was supposed to be in my wedding in April but backed out several months before the event (she backed out of my wedding by sending me an email telling me she didn't want to be in it). We haven't spoken or seen each other since her email to me. However, she just mailed me a wedding invitation with a new time of 3:30 pm (after my graduation is over). She apparently changed the time after we stopped speaking. Would it be rude of me to go? Was it rude of her to send me an invitation?

Clough · Apr 7, 2007, 03:08 PM

She invited you and she did change the time. I would go. She evidently wants the friendship to continue. I don't think that it was rude of her to send you an invitation.

Her backing out of your wedding by sending you an email and the fact that both of you have not been speaking with each other tells me that she might have some issues with telling people things in person and by being upfront with them. Is she really shy?

Part of the problem with all of this instant messaging and emailing is that we lose the necessary personal element of having to look people in the eyes when discussing something. It is hard to "read" what a person is meaning unless you do that.

If I were you, and if you want to the friendship to be renewed and continue, I would set an example for her by thanking her in person for the invitation and changing the time. I would also let her know, in person, how you feel about the way that she has acted.

You can start by saying something like this: "Hi, (name)! I have a problem, and I'm wondering if you would help me with it?" She says, "Sure." (Puts the ball in her court. Makes her feel good that she can be a part of helping you to solve "your" problem.) You say, "Thanks for the invitation to your wedding and for changing the time!" I have missed seeing you. What I'd like to know is if you can help me with ways you and I could communicate better. Do you know of some ways that we could do this? Then, suggest ways that you have thought of and ask her what she thinks of them.

It is a way to discuss your communication issue without you coming on as being aggressive or intimidating by blaming her.

I hope that this is helpful to you.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 7, 2007, 05:49 PM

Yes you should go,

Green Eyes · Apr 7, 2007, 06:46 PM

Maybe I should have mentioned that she sent the invitation to my parents house addressed as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. Parents of Green Eyes
Green Eyes & Her New Husband
Green Eyes Younger Brother

She didn't even bother to find out our new address after our wedding nor did she have the decency to send us our own invitation.

iscorpio · Apr 7, 2007, 07:17 PM

Originally Posted by Green Eyes

I graduate on a Saturday in June and someone who I thought was my best friend decided to get married on this same Saturday. I informed her that the time of my graduation was at 12:00 and politely told her I would like to attend her wedding so would she mind having it later in the day. She told me she planned to have the wedding at 12:30. She then told me I could come to the wedding late.

She was supposed to be in my wedding in April but backed out several months before the event (she backed out of my wedding by sending me an email telling me she didn't want to be in it). We haven't spoken or seen each other since her email to me. However, she just mailed me a wedding invitation with a new time of 3:30 pm (after my graduation is over). She apparently changed the time after we stopped speaking. Would it be rude of me to go? Was it rude of her to send me an invitation?

Is not about rudeness, is about whether they are a true friend or not, whether you want them as a friend, examine your feelings and follow what your inner self tells you. Take care, love and peace anne x

RubyPitbull · Apr 8, 2007, 04:37 PM

Originally Posted by Green Eyes

Would it be rude of me to go? Was it rude of her to send me an invitation?

No, to both questions. Why would it be rude of you to go, or rude of her to send you an invite? Sorry Green Eyes, but those questions just don't make sense to me. There is something deeper going on here with you, and I am afraid you are not going to like what I have to say. Please understand that I am doing this to get you to think this through properly. I will explain below.

Originally Posted by Green Eyes

She didn't even bother to find out our new address after our wedding nor did she have the decency to send us our own invitation.

Green Eyes, it sounds like you are still upset over the way she backed out of your wedding. Obviously, what your friend did was very rude. Non-communication for all this time made the situation even worse. Did she solely back out of being in the wedding party? Did she attend your wedding as a guest?

I am wondering if you possibly were a wee bit demanding of her time or said something that you don't realize you said, that might have upset or hurt her. After all, you state you are best friends. It doesn't make sense that she would back out of your wedding the way she did without speaking to you about it unless something happened and she couldn't handle talking to you directly about it.

The other thought that comes to my mind is, are you absolutely positive that she was aware of the date of your graduation when she set her wedding date? The fact that she pushed the time of the wedding back to accommodate you and your graduation should tell you that she cares enough about you to go out of her way to do this for you. If she didn't want you there, she would not have done this. So, she does want you to attend her wedding.

Please stop picking this apart psychologically and looking for excuses to be angry with her (such as where the invitation was sent), to find a valid reason for you not to attend her wedding. Because that is what appears to be happening. It seems to me that you are still angry with her for backing out of your wedding the way she did. Yes, it was not kind. But the only way you are going to get down to the bottom of all of this is to stop looking for hidden meanings and questioning everyone around you except for the one person who can give you the answers you are looking for. Clough suggested you speak with your friend and have a straightforward discussion with her. That is a very good idea if you are at all interested in clearing the air, and you want to find out why she chose to back out of your wedding.

Is it possible for you to find it in your heart to be the bigger person here?

The bottom line is, if you don't want to speak with her and you don't want to go to the wedding, don't go. Stop driving yourself nuts looking for excuses. If you do want to try to salvage your friendship, then go to her wedding.

If you want to salvage your friendship, speak to her about how hurt you were when you feel the timing is right. The "timing" being either now, or after she returns from her honeymoon. Do not bring this up during the period between a month before the wedding through to the end of the wedding reception. That would be in poor taste, and it drive a wedge further between the two of you.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

lacuran8626 · Apr 14, 2007, 03:22 PM

I would go to the wedding and focus on why you were friends to start with. When all the wedding stuff is over and things have settled down, meet her for lunch and share that you value the friendship enough to have wanted to be there for her wedding, and to have missed her at your own but that you feel hurt and confused. Leave anger and irritation out of it and see if you can patch things up - if you can't, given your current feelings, you haven't lost anything. I say wait until the wedding stuff is over simply because it's a crazy time and everything gets blown out of proportion surrounding a wedding. The bride may often feel very emotional or pressured, and may have a bit of an attitude of entitlement for people to treat her in a special way - some take it further than others. By waiting until the wedding is over, she can't accuse you of trying to ruin her wedding and you'll avoid a lot of drama.

shygrneyzs · Apr 14, 2007, 03:29 PM

Sometimes we have to be the better person when we do not want to be. We want to hold on to some anger, some hurt, some resentment and dish it back. But that was in grade school. So it is really time for you to swallow whatever bile is still in your throat concerning your girlfriend and overcome your ill feelings.

Be content in your own marriage, be tickled pink to be graduating college and looking forward to a new career, and be happy (for real) that your friend is getting married and that she did change the time of the ceremony. She obviously wants you there. There is a fence to mend and going to the wedding and being a part of a joyous occasion is part of that mending. You can tend to the rest later, when you both can sit down and talk like adults.

Good luck to you and to your friend. Have a great life and share that with your friend.

Lillian42 · Apr 15, 2007, 08:08 PM

If you want to go then I would go. She would not have sent you an invation if she would not have wanted you to come. Maybe she had to have the wedding on that day do to many things maybe it was the only day the priest was available or the reception hall was open. As far as her sending it to your parents maybe she just didn't know your address and where you were she is prob busy planning a wedding and just wanted to invite you and make sure you got the invitation so she sent it to your parents.

NowWhat · Apr 16, 2007, 06:47 AM

I think she just wants another wedding present.

ScottGem · Apr 16, 2007, 07:10 AM

Boy are you self centered girl! To think someone can and will just up and change their wedding time for one guest is really conceited!

I don't know about your area, but chapels and halls are generally booked way in advance. Its entirely possible that she had little choice as to the date and time of the wedding. As for finding your address, did you send it to her? Did you send a change of address when you moved into your own place? Maybe she was just trying to save a bit of postage.

You need to put your ego aside a bit and decide whether you want this friendship to continue or not. If you do, then swallow that pride and go to the wedding.

Green Eyes · Apr 16, 2007, 09:45 AM

ATTN SCOTT GEM: How dare you call me conceited. I was best friends with this person since I was 11 years old. She is being married at her church where her grandfather is the minister. Trust me, this church would not have been booked in advance. I would dare to say that hers is the only wedding there this summer. As far as the reception, she was intitially planning to have it at the church fellowship hall but instead opted for a dining hall at a NURSING HOME (at the last minute). My graduation date has been planned for over 4 years. Her wedding has only been planned for 1.5 years. I would have thought that someone who was my best friend would want to attend my grad. Ceremony. I would never have considered having my wedding on the day that one of my best friends graduates from college.

BY THE WAY, A STAMP IS $0.39!!

NowWhat · Apr 16, 2007, 09:52 AM

Green Eyes, I don't think you are conceited either.
Judging by some of the things you have stated this person doesn't sound like a friend to me. She misses your wedding and then plans hers the same day as your graduation - in hopes that you won't come?
She could have gotten your new address for the invitation - if she has your parents address and having your email address.

Graduating from college is a big deal - enjoy your day and send your regrets to your "friend"

ScottGem · Apr 16, 2007, 10:17 AM

Try reading what I said and you will see why I dare to call you conceited. Its my opinion and I'll stand by it based on what you initially told us. I know, I would never think of asking someone to change the time or date of their wedding just to accommodate me. No matter how good a friend I thought they were.

I notice you never answered whether you sent her a change of address. If you want to resort to name calling, feel free. I call them as I see them, and from where I sit you are being self-centered.

NowWhat · Apr 16, 2007, 10:19 AM

ScottGem, would you not ask someone to change a date if your event was planned first? And had been for 3 years?
Just asking.

Synnen · Apr 16, 2007, 10:27 AM

I don't know what school you attend, but I worked at a large university. We planned graduation events a year in advance, when we had a head count of seniors intending to graduate. Because there were so many students, and so many departments, you knew a general week when you'd be graduating, but not the time until about 3 months ahead of time.

How you could possibly know the exact date and time of your graduation 4 years in advance when the truth is that you couldn't possibly know if you would be able to graduate in 4 years (most people take 5 years for a bachelor now) and even if you could... that must be a pretty tiny university.

Sounds to me like you and your "best friend" have drifted apart over the years, and that's okay... it happens to the best of people. But... either go and be gracious about it, or don't go and write off the friendship. Don't assume you know the reasons for anyone's actions besides your own.

Hate to tell you this... but when I was planning MY wedding, stamps were $0.32, and I STILL tried to save them when I could. Weddings are expensive, as you should know, just having had your own.

ScottGem · Apr 16, 2007, 10:36 AM

Originally Posted by NowWhat

ScottGem, would you not ask someone to change a date if your event was planned first? and had been for 3 years?
Just asking.

First, see what Synnen said about graduation dates. A graduation may be envisioned for 4 years, but the actual date isn't generally known for more than a year. I wasn't going to comment on that part of it, but as long as Synnen did...

But, no. I would not ask someone to change such a wedding date just for me. I would tell them, that I was sorry the scheduled their event when I couldn't attend, but I wouldn't ask them to change it.

Green Eyes · Apr 16, 2007, 10:47 AM

I do attend a tiny college - we have about 600 students. I know for a fact that our graduation date was planned for well over 3 years. I went to the registrar at the beginning of sophomore year and asked when graduation was. I had to know because I was planning my wedding for sometime during the 2006-2007 school year. I knew in August of 2004 when graduation would be. She didn't get engaged until January 2006. At my very small college, graduation is a huge deal - 99% of us graduation in 4 years and the graduation date is set when we arrive as freshman. I should know - I'm a student there.

NowWhat · Apr 16, 2007, 10:52 AM

Green Eyes, if you feel that she did this on purpose - planning her wedding the same time/date as your graduation - then I would just send my regrets and be done with it.
Your friendship may have ran it's course as you both are entering a new phase of your life. Enjoy your memories and just move on.

froggy7 · Apr 16, 2007, 07:09 PM

Originally Posted by Green Eyes

ATTN SCOTT GEM: How dare you call me conceited. I was best friends with this person since I was 11 years old. She is being married at her church where her grandfather is the minister. Trust me, this church would not have been booked in advance. I would dare to say that hers is the only wedding there this summer. As far as the reception, she was intitially planning to have it at the church fellowship hall but instead opted for a dining hall at a NURSING HOME (at the last minute). My graduation date has been planned for over 4 years. Her wedding has only been planned for 1.5 years. I would have thought that someone who was my best friend would want to attend my grad. ceremony. I would never have considered having my wedding on the day that one of my best friends graduates from college.

I hate to break this to you, but graduations are just not that exciting. I didn't even bother going to mine... just asked them to send me my diploma. Also, most graduation ceremonies have limited room, so the only people who tend to be invited are close relatives. And at the Universities I went to, there wasn't even enough room for all of those.. each graduate got two tickets for guests, period. So no, I don't really expect people to arrange their lives around graduations. And weddings will generally trump them.

Furthermore, SHE CHANGED THE TIME SO THAT YOU COULD GO... and you are still trying to see it as an insult! So yeah, you are sounding just a tad bit self-centered.