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joypulv · Sep 30, 2014, 04:10 PM

Let us know how it goes?

DoulaLC · Sep 30, 2014, 04:44 PM

Also, contact the Pregnancy Resource Center, it is right in your town. Your school counselor should be able to help you with making a connection. You can also find out about alternative schooling as a possibility during your pregnancy.

ScottGem · Sep 30, 2014, 05:39 PM

I'm sorry what down syndrome. And why did say if he stays during the pregnancy I'm lucky

I hate to sound like a broken record, but this is more evidence of how unprepared, naïve and clueless you are. I'm not trying to put you down, but get you to face the realities of your situation. At 13, it would not be expected that you would be capable of caring for a baby full time. As noted Down's Syndrome is a birth defect that is more common when the mother doesn't get proper care during pregnancy. I'm sure you have seem children with Down's Syndrome on TV. Did you ever watch Glee? The girl who plays Coach Sue's assistant has Down's Syndrome.

And really your boyfriend clearly wants to have fun, which is why he pressured you for sex. Do you really think he's ready to be a father? If he did stick by you, it would be most unusual.

While you can and should go after him for child support, until he has a job, how is he going to pay any? His parents might be forced to pay, but that's not for sure. He's looking at at least 4 years more like 8-10 before he can start giving meaningful contributions to raising your child. And what do you think you are going to do for money until then? Do you have any clue what it costs to raise a child? I can cost $10-$15K just for the costs of pre-natal care and childbirth. Then it will cost $15-$20K a year for food, clothing, medical care, etc. Where do you think this money will come from? Even if you do want to keep the child, there is a possibility Social Services will take the child anyway because you really are not fit to raise the child yourself. Better to try and make a favorable adoption.

musiclover217 · Sep 30, 2014, 05:50 PM

I know trying to be helpful but you make feel like an idiot I understand all of this my mom was a single teen mom I understand all of it!

Alty · Sep 30, 2014, 05:58 PM

You're 13. When it comes to being a parent, sorry, but you are an idiot. All kids are, and that's what you are, a kid!

So you want to keep this baby, and the 14 year old boy that got you pregnant is going to help. Great. How? No place will hire either of you, you're both too young to work. So, how are you going to care for this baby? How are you going to pay rent, pay for diapers, formula, doctors visits, crib, stroller, car seat, clothes, and the list goes on and on.

It takes more than wanting to play mommy to take care of a baby. It takes money! So show me the money! Where's it coming from?

ScottGem · Sep 30, 2014, 06:16 PM

I know trying to be helpful but you make feel like an idiot I understand all of this my mom was a single teen mom I understand all of it!

You aren't an idiot. What you are is young, inexperienced and you think you know a lot more than you actually do. Think about it! Your mom was a teen mom, Do you think she planned for you. It sounds like your mom resents you and what you did to her life. And you don't think you aren't going to feel the same way towards your child? You really need to think this through a lot more.

Alty · Sep 30, 2014, 06:37 PM

Okay, I'm going to be brutally honest here, no hold barred, no sugar coating, no trying to get you to see the light by hinting at things.

Bottom line, you're 13. You may be a great babysitter, but you're not cut out to be a mom, no matter how smart you are, how kind you are, how much you want to take care of a living doll. You're just not ready. No 13 year old is.

Having said that, you're like every other 13 year old I know, and trust me, I know, I have a 12 year old and a 16 year old and once, a long time ago, I was 13. I knew everything when I was 13, until I actually grew up and realized I didn't know squat!

So, for just a second stop thinking about how you feel, and start thinking about this baby. You don't want to give it up because you want it to be loved, and cared for. Um... sorry, but love doesn't fill your belly, love doesn't put a roof over your head, love doesn't change your diapers, love doesn't pay doctor bills. Love is great, I love it. But love doesn't solve everything.

This baby doesn't know you, not yet. You don't even know enough to know you need to see a doctor for testing, and prenatal care. Love doesn't fix downs, it doesn't fix a cleft lip, it doesn't fix spina bifida (which is easily prevented with prenatal care).

It's not your fault that you don't know these things. You're 13, you're not old enough to know how to be a mom, and how to take care of a fetus growing inside of you.

You say you won't give the baby up for adoption because you know how it feels to be unloved etc. So you want a baby to suffer the same way you did? That's what this amounts to. You can't give this baby the life it deserves because of your age. You just can't. It's not possible. You're not thinking about the baby, you're thinking like a 13 year old child that wants to play with her dolly. Being a parent isn't easy, not even for adult. You're dooming yourself and worst of all, you're dooming this baby, and this baby didn't choose any of this.

Talk to a counselor about adoption. It's too late for an abortion if you're 3 months along. But keeping this baby. Sorry, but in my opinion, that's very selfish of you. Then again, I expect nothing less of a child.

J_9 · Sep 30, 2014, 06:44 PM

To clear something up, Down's Syndrome has nothing to do with lack of prenatal care. It is a chromosomal disorder of the 21st chromosome otherwise known as Trisomy 21. Very young mothers, as well as those of advanced maternal age, risk passing this disorder on to their unborn babies. Mental retardation is associated with Down's Syndrome.

it's either going to happen or it's not. The best prenatal care can't prevent it.

Alty · Sep 30, 2014, 07:47 PM

Very true J9, and if I made it sound like Down's happened because of lack of prenatal care, that wasn't intentional.

But prenatal care is very important in preventing other issues that can be avoided with proper prenatal care. The fact that this OP doesn't understand that, but thinks she can be a mother to this child, is scary. Then again, she's only 13, so it's not at all alarming that she has no idea how to properly care for this baby, not while she's carrying it, and not after it's born. It's just not something a 13 year old child can handle.

No child is ready or able to properly care for a child. That's just the way it is, and I have yet to see a teen parent that breaks the mold and actually gives a child a good life once she decides to keep it.

Also want to point out, you'll be raising this baby on your own. No 14 year old boy is going to stick around and help care for a baby. There's no way he can do it any more than you can. It just won't happen. He's 14. Whatever feelings he may think he has for you, are the feelings of a child. Infatuation at best. That fades, and quickly. Once there's a screaming baby in the mix it will be even harder. So plan on raising this baby alone, and don't expect support in the way of money, at least not for many many years. He can't even get a job at his age, so there's no money for him to give you to help with the baby.

You can't sign a lease so you can't move out on your own even if you had the money to do it. You can't work because you're not legally allowed to. So how are you going to raise this child? Mommy kicked you out. So what now?

J_9 · Sep 30, 2014, 08:20 PM

Alty, it was actually something Scott said in post #43..

As noted Down's Syndrome is a birth defect that is more common when the mother doesn't get proper care during pregnancy.

joypulv · Oct 1, 2014, 01:20 AM

I'm willing to play good cop here. Someone has to, so as to not scare you into leaving the site.
Let's just get you to the school nurse today (it's 4 am your time and mine - I get up early in my old age). Then please let us know how it went.

I was thinking about you last night while watching TV. 3 daughters of horribly dysfunctional parents were talking. One was 11, and to me she looked 16 and sounded wiser than both her parents put together. (Not really comparing you to them, just somehow made me think of you.) You do sound very naive, but that's to be expected, and there's no blame, no shame.

DoulaLC · Oct 1, 2014, 02:48 AM

Do you have any other adult family members that you could confide in as well? It's quite possible that your mom will become supportive once she has had time for the initial shock and disappointment to wear off, but if not, you will need a trusted adult to help you through all of this.

You will have many decisions to make along the way that you'll want to be able to discuss with someone that you trust to help you understand what your options might be.

As was said, first step is contact someone at school, nurse or school counselor, to help you get set up with the resource center. You will have the pregnancy confirmed there and if it is confirmed that you are indeed pregnant , they can help you get many things sorted from that point.

Please keep us posted on how things go.

Synnen · Oct 1, 2014, 09:44 AM

I want to be VERY clear on something: Choosing adoption is the highest form of love there is for a baby sometimes. It's hard to be a mom at your age. It's even harder to let go of a child that you will grow to love as he/she grows inside of you. You have to be really strong, and really loving, to even consider adoption.

There are many kinds of adoption--the most common right now is an open adoption, where you get to have contact with your child and his/her parents as he/she grows up. That doesn't mean you become a member of their family, but it does mean that you have at least some access to your child and you can make sure that the child is okay---and you can make sure the child knows you made you choice out of LOVE, and not abandonment.

I chose adoption 22 years ago, when I was a scared, pregnant teenager. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my entire life. The absolute hardest. And it was the best thing for both the baby and for me, because she got love and care that I couldn't give her when I was too young to even really take care of myself.

Talk to your school counselor. Tell them exactly what's going on, and ask for a referral to someplace that can help you decide --by yourself--what is best for you and what is best for your baby.

It's so hard to make any steps right now--I know that. Talking to someone about it is going to make it really REAL, and that's so scary, and so hard, and honestly--I know that what you really want is for all of this to just go away. It's not going to, and you need some counseling, and you need medical attention. Your mom is not responsible for taking care of your child, but she IS responsible for taking care of you. If she can't do that, then your school counselor or school nurse can help you find someone who CAN take care of you.

Deep breaths. You can do this.

DoulaLC · Oct 1, 2014, 01:56 PM

Just a few questions for you:

1) When you took the pregnancy tests, did you follow the directions carefully?

2) How long did it take for a positive to show up?

3) How are you feeling... anything going on other than a lack of periods?

musiclover217 · Oct 1, 2014, 03:17 PM

To Alty: I went to the office to see the nurse but she wasn't there. Our nurse works at the elementary and middle school so she switch's from school to school each day ill ask tomorrow

musiclover217 · Oct 1, 2014, 03:36 PM

No. Most of my family is in south Carolina or Delaware

Fr_Chuck · Oct 1, 2014, 04:02 PM

Ok, real life.

You are 13, you can not legally just move out, and mom is liable for your medical bills. So, if she is kicking you out, you call Children services ( who will be involved at some point anyway) and get into a group home or a foster care.

Just living with a friend is not a real option.

A 14 year old boy can not help and even thinking that, is useless.

While not a fan of abortion, at 13, it should be considered seriously, since health issues for you, is possible,

Alty · Oct 1, 2014, 04:46 PM

While not a fan of abortion, at 13, it should be considered seriously, since health issues for you, is possible,

Chuck, while I do agree, if the OP's post is correct and she just found out that she's 3 months pregnant a few weeks ago, that would put her at closer to 4 months gestation. That's way past the legal 12 week limit for an abortion.

DoulaLC · Oct 1, 2014, 04:53 PM

Musiclover... do have the pregnancy confirmed as, depending on the circumstances of your testing, you may be worrying unnecessarily. At 13, confirmation of a suspected pregnancy would be the first step.

joypulv · Oct 2, 2014, 05:54 AM

Musiclover - you're a good kid.
You'd be amazed at how many 13 year olds come here with questions and just get all defensive and nasty, and have an excuse for not doing anything that's suggested.
And we are putting a LOT of weight on you.
I think I speak for a lot if not all of us that we really want the best for you and hope that this all turns out OK.