[boblawblaw]

Me and my ex have a lot of history together. 12 years. We broke up about 4 years ago and have been off and on. My ex recently met someone about a month ago but says she will always have feelings for me and will never stop caring for me or wanting to know how I am doing. She said she still wants to be in each others lives and admitted that its hard and confusing but does not want to just cut each other out as we have been in each others lives for so long and have too much history to just forget about each other. I asked her if this guy she met is who she wants to be with and what she really wants and she told me that it was not fair that I asked her that and it that it was new but right now she can yes. I wished her luck and told her that I have feelings for her that are more than a friend and that I am not going to pretend to be just her friend when I still have those feelings and think we should be and belong together. I don't think it would be a very healthy friendship. Do you think a friendship could work in this situation? I would love her in my life but think it will be to painful and not healthy as I want more than friendship. Should I go nc and try to move on or try the friend thing? Can one be friends with a ex they still love and have had so much history together?

[odinn7]

Would it work in this situation? Sure, for her it would. Not for you.

These kind of things bother me because here she is wanting to be friends without caring how it affects you...is it to alleviate her guilt? Is it to keep you around in case she changes her mind? Who cares....She is stringing you along as a "friend" while you are hurting. I had a girl do this to me and I finally got wise to it and cut her out of my life completely. It's just too much to deal with if you have feelings and they want to keep you around as a "friend" when you sit there and they tell you how wonderful everything is going for them and tell you about their new guy or whatever. Why do you need to hear that? You don't.

Tell her you need to save yourself and the only way to do that is to cut yourselves apart and go your own way.

EDIT- I see you have been through this with her before. She broke up, wanted to stay friends, you tried NC but broke down and got back together with her. Where did that get you? Now you are here again, going through the same thing all over again. Starting fresh with new pain to deal with. I hope you learned from this last time what you went through so you won't need to experience it again in a few years.

Also...I might be wrong but it seems to me that she finds someone else, goes to them and then when that doesn't work out, comes back to you. At least that is what I got from your last question here....This explains why she wants to keep you around as a friend. Do you really want to be a part of this game? Isn't that too much to put yourself through? Get some self respect and move on. There are other women out there that will treat you right and will make you forget about this confused loser. Yes, I called her that.

[smoothy]

Avoid her like the plague. Sure you can be nice, and cordial, just explain you can't deal with being just friends and that you need to move on out of respect to her (and for your own mental health).

[CravenMorhead]

In my experience it is VERY rare that long term romantic relationship can turned back into a friendship. There is too much intimacy, crossed lines, grey areas that could and will cause big problems. It is also where each one views the relationship, she might see it as a friendship, but you will see it as a opportunity to do it again and better. She doesn't see a romantic future and you do. The boundaries here are different and it will cause a LOT of drama.

What I see here is that you're being strung along. I was initially thinking of a backup plan or something but I am thinking more that she's enjoying emotionally manipulating you. You're invested in this in a way that makes you easy to control, and she is really taking delight in this. You can see it when you ask about her current boyfriend. It is almost as if she's still a little emotionally attached, at a level severely lower than yours, but still wants to have fun with other men. I don't know exactly but it has bad news written all over it. You're emotionally committing to someone who isn't doing the same to you, and taking yourself off the market when you're single.

From personal experience, and it took a failed marriage for me to figure this out, when you break up with a person the relationship is over. Even if you get back together with them the relationship is over and is just on a zombie life support until it eventually fails. My ex-wife and I had a "break" in the middle of our courtship, before marriage, and got back together. Two years after that, and less than 18 months of marriage, she left me by saying that she was never really in love with me; in fact she only got married to me because she felt bad. She kept be stringed along while she was "figuring things out" going to a shrink and all but all she was doing was parroting back what she had said beforehand. I got fed up and realized what she was doing. She was still using me and I wasn't getting anything in return, emotionally, physically, or financially. In fact I was losing out in all three. That's when I cut the cord and set her free. She never came back. The divorce was finalized I never spoke to her since. I never plan on it.

I know the situation isn't the same. My advice to you is to cut off ALL contact with her. Delete and block her phone number, Facebook, twitter, tumblr, and all that. Move and never look back. You're not getting back together with her and all you're doing is emotionally damaging yourself.

Run. Don't look back. Emotionally dump her and all her baggage.

[boblawblaw]

Thank you for the fast reply and advice. Odinn I think you may be right in it working for her and not me. I think You are a little bit right about the not working out and coming back but my believe is that we could never really let go of one another and I am starting to think that is because we remained in each others lives and had so much history like she tried to move on and date but nothing was serious or lasted more than a few weeks or a month and I did the same as well. I never had a girlfriend in five years and she never had a boyfriend in five years. I found that strange in thinking about it. Now it is different though as it seems with this guy as she is ready to try and actually be in a relationship. Craven thanks you for the advice. It is sad but I think that is proving to be 100 percent true regarding your first paragraph. In thinking about everything I think maybe she just wants to keep me around for a security blanket. I mean that much time together I am pretty much her comfort zone and I think she likes that fact that if I am in her life I will be there for her when she needs me or needs someone to talk to or confined in. It is all pretty confusing.

[talaniman]

You say security blanket, I say emotional tampon. That's why you leave exes alone, and get a life that you enjoy without them, so you won't be confused about your own feelings, or their actions, or have to wait for them to FINALLY give you what you want.

I call that false hope.

[smoothy]

I agree with Talaniman... you can't move on while you are chained on to the boat anchor in your life. Right now, that's your EX. Some things you really CAN'T have both ways for your own good.