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brianbekken · Sep 9, 2014, 04:52 AM

My girlfriend after two months of dating told me she loved me and wanted to be my wife. That was the happiest day of my life. I fell hopelessly in love with her after she said that. But then over the next ten months, she cheated on me with her ex, with whom she has a child with. I took her thousands of miles away, but that didn't get her over him, even after another year. How do I get her to love me like she's afraid to lose me?

J_9 · Sep 9, 2014, 04:58 AM

You can't make someone love you. Have you communicated your feelings to her?

Oliver2011 · Sep 9, 2014, 04:59 AM

Just based on what you wrote, which wasn't much, it sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. You sound as if you are dependent on her for happiness, which is not a healthy start to a relationship. Cheaters cheat and will always cheat. Where is your self worth? You haven't devoted a great deal of time to her, so I would give her the boot. But that is just me...

smoothy · Sep 9, 2014, 05:02 AM

2 whole months... wow, that's almost a lifetime. I spend longer than that deciding what pair of shoes to buy sometimes.

No with that said... 2 months... neither of you are in love with the other... you might be seriously in lust... but absolutely no possible way is it love... you barely know each other at 2 months... hell you barely know each other after 2 YEARS.

And basically everything you said about her tells me you should be GLAD she took off..no sane man wants or needs someone like that complicating their lives.

How old are you both? You sound like teenagers.

J_9 · Sep 9, 2014, 05:11 AM

Smoothy, it appears they have been together for about 10 whole months. She started cheating on him after 2 months.

J_9 · Sep 9, 2014, 05:19 AM

Okay, I was wrong, blame it on my all nighter shift. She wanted to be his wife after 2 months.

I should learn to get some sleep before I post.

smoothy · Sep 9, 2014, 05:21 AM

Yeah... I did see that... they only had two good months (with 10 bad ones after)... I should have phrased my response differently. It does appear like I missed that part in my answer with how I wrote it.

He should be glad he found this out this soon... why would he want anyone back that treated him like this anyway? If she did it now... she'd have been been doing it again, and again and again later too.

Would he have been happier if he had been raising someone else's baby thinking it was his and then find out it wasn't later?

He NEEDS to write this one off and consider it a HUGE mistake... and move on. For a number of reasons.

Cat1864 · Sep 9, 2014, 06:23 AM

Originally Posted by brianbekken

My girlfriend after two months of dating told me she loved me and wanted to be my wife. That was the happiest day of my life. I fell hopelessly in love with her after she said that. But then over the next ten months, she cheated on me with her ex, with whom she has a child with. I took her thousands of miles away, but that didn't get her over him, even after another year. How do I get her to love me like she's afraid to lose me?

So you have been together for two years. The last year included moving and trying to recover from the cheating. After the cheating did you make it to where she felt like she had to prove that she loves you? Have you forgiven and moved forward or did you just move away?

Does she love you? Does she say it or show it in her own way? Do you believe it?

"I took her thousands of miles away..." This almost sounds like kidnapping. Did she want to move with you? Is her child with her or her ex?

You cannot make a person feel the way you want them to feel.

You cannot make her stop having feelings for her ex. They have a child together who will always be a reminder of the other person who helped bring him/her into the world. How do you know how she feels about him? Are you constantly asking her or accusing her?

If you coerced her into moving far away from an area where she was happy and comfortable and perhaps has friends and family, you might have encouraged resentment and other negative feelings. Even if she originally moved because she wanted to be with you, if she isn't happy where she is then she won't be happy with herself and who she is with. Is she happy where she is currently living? Does she have friends, interests, hobbies, a job, etc.?

It may be time to sit down together and have an honest discussion about the relationship. Make certain you both want the same things and are working together to build a life together. If feelings have changed, be prepared to let her go. Trying to hold on to something that isn't there only makes negative emotions stronger.

Fear is a negative emotion. When people fear something they either push it away or they try to take complete control over all aspects of it. Neither reaction helps build a healthy relationship.

talaniman · Sep 9, 2014, 07:59 AM

Maybe she will have to lose you to appreciate what she has. Maybe you will have to appreciate their shared bond of a child to understand the ex will be an important part of her life for a long time to come as a co parent.

Exactly what do you mean by her cheating? Lets define that. Why did you ignore so easily the HUGE red flag of her declaring her love after only two months? How long were they apart before the two of you got together?

smoothy · Sep 9, 2014, 08:26 AM

So 2 months of bliss followed by 22 months of hell. Why do you even want it like it was at first (something thats ALWAYS very unrealistic). If it was me I'd be upset that she still lived in the same hemisphere.

dontknownuthin · Sep 9, 2014, 04:05 PM

I wish more young people understood the point of dating. You met someone you are attracted to, or who seems like a good fit in some way. You start spending time together. The point is discernment. You should have an idea of what you want in a wife. The list can't be ,"she's pretty and I know her and she puts up with me". What is important for your whole life?

Is it important to know that your wife is loyal to you? How about honest? Do you want a wife who uses foul language, or drinks until she is drunk? How about nurturing - do you want a wife who is sweet and caring? Talkative? Fearless and confident? Should she care about God? Do you want someone who you have to wait for, or chase, or convince to love you back?

When you figure out why you want your family to be like, you can start dating with intention to find someone you can love for life. Infatuation and lust are fleeting. So you have been dating for two months and learned two things. She is a dishonest cheater, and she is not into you. So dating worked - you discerned she's not the one. So you keep it nice and wish her well and go back out there and look some more. Don't see it as a failed relationship - it is successful dating. Most of dating is figuring out who isn't the one. Move on.

Who you choose as a partner is the most important decision you will ever make. It is not often a flash of lightening. You have a lot of power not to choose the wrong person, and that's most of the battle. Leave the wrong ones behind so they aren't in the way.this may be a nice girl,but she's not the one for you.