[cyfi]

I had a falling out with a guy I met in university almost 2 years ago. (He basically pushed hard to get my attention and and be my friend. He stared to the point where I was very uncomfortable and flirted a lot (although I was in denial at the time that he or anyone for that matter could like someone like me). It was when I tried to reciprocate his interest in the only ways I knew how, as I have no dating experience and have trouble (and fear) expressing my feelings, did he start paying less attention to me, and flirted with girls online. When I found out I was so hurt that I went cold turkey on him: stopped responding to his text messages, didn't go to his bday party (he had invited me) and didn't wish him a 'happy birthday' either. In addition I erased his phone number and "unfriended" him on facebook, and ignored him once when I saw him in public. Looking back I realize this sounds harsh or mean, but you wouldn't believe how badly his actions hurt me. I suffer from anxiety and endure terrible bouts of depression and thanks to him I was under a depression episode for a long time (crying, hating myself, blaming myself for him treating me badly by convincing myself I was unlikable and didn't deserve anyone). There were many times when I wanted so badly to kill myself, only the fear of pain stopped me from trying.
Earlier this year in February, a mutual friend invited us both to a party. She didn't know about our falling out so she kept pushing me to talk to him, and was a little too drunk to notice my hesitance. Eventually I caved and tried to wave at him when I saw him in the room, but he just stared and looked angry. And we didn't speak that night. Not that I had expected/wanted us to at the time.


FAST FORWARD TO YESTERDAY, I was at a convention on business and my ex-crush happens to walk up to my booth. In the past (when he was interested in me) he would come to my booth to say hi 3 times during the convention. This time he just stared around my booth. I had to do a double take since I couldn't believe he was there, as our booth was in a different location than it was last year. Then walked over to where I was sitting with my sister and just stared directly over my head like he couldn't see me. (Maybe he couldn't) Immediately, my reaction was to pretend I couldn't see him. Ignore him like we tended to do to each other these days but I decided against it and said "hey!"


He greeted me back, seemingly surprised and asked how the convention was going, why we moved locations and how I'd been. Awkwardly I just said 'I'm good.' I wished I had more to say to him but I couldn't think of anything out of nervousness/awkwardness. He said he still spoke to our mutual friend and they still hang sometimes. He asked if I kept in touch with her as well. I said "on facebook sometimes but I haven't seen her recently." Maybe I sounded sad since he asked how I was 2-3 more times. After that he said "I'll tell [our mutual] friend you said hi." As if it was an after thought he added "... I don't wanna put words in your mouth tho."


This confused me because I adore our mutual friend, despite our lack of communication recently. (She even wished me a happy birthday this summer and told me she missed me and we should catch up with I'm in her city again. They both used to tell me they'd talk about me and missed me, and wanted to hang out again. (That was over a year ago when we were all on better terms.


So I said "No. It's fine. Tell her I said hi."


He said okay, and then "bye." We waved at each other and he quickly left.


Some things have been bothering me since yesterday. I just need someone else's opinion on what happened, if this is normal, and what it all could have meant. Thank you.

[joypulv]

3 little bits of this stand out for me:

"thanks to him I was under a depression episode for a long time." ---- That is the kind of thinking that is the basis of many, many a person's inability to see themselves as anything other than victims. He did not cause your depression. It was the result of a lifetime of who you are. The day you realize that will be a momentous day.

".. did it sound almost like he had almost invited me to hang out with him and our mutual friend but stopped himself?" No. Plus, we weren't there, and there's no way to know what was in his mind. I wonder if you read too much into everything.

"Anyway is his behaviour typical of ex-crushes/ex-acquaintances?" This follows on the last sentence. There is no typical, and even if some behavior might be common, so what? If he fits in the uncommon group, it does you no good at all. The point of all this is to try to STOP READING into people, and don't look for generalizations either.

I get the overall impression that it is very hard for you to be natural, to hear what is being said, to say what you mean, to take each encounter for just what it is. I also get the impression that it is hard for you to act instead of just react (what did he mean, what is he thinking, what does he want?). The great relief in life comes when the two are about even: sometimes you set the pace, the tone, what goes on and is felt, and other times the other person does. Friends, lovers, family, strangers, everybody. And with love interests, the great relief comes when you realize that they are just as unsure and bumbling at first as you are.
That is difficult to overcome. Practice on close friends, and ask them to be very honest each step of the way.

[cyfi]

3 little bits of this stand out for me:

"thanks to him I was under a depression episode for a long time." ---- That is the kind of thinking that is the basis of many, many a person's inability to see themselves as anything other than victims. He did not cause your depression. It was the result of a lifetime of who you are. The day you realize that will be a momentous day.

Actually I've had a lot of time to contemplate this situation, and therapy helped as well. I didn't mean he "gave" me those feelings, rather the situation with him triggered my feelings.

".. did it sound almost like he had almost invited me to hang out with him and our mutual friend but stopped himself?" No. Plus, we weren't there, and there's no way to know what was in his mind. I wonder if you read too much into everything.

I didn't mean to pose that as a question. It was more of a statement. He and my mutual friend would often tell me that they talked about our time together in uni and wanted to hang out (the three of us) at some point. They'd say it a lot. I thought he was trying to hint at those past convos.

The point of all this is to try to STOP READING into people, and don't look for generalizations either.

I've been to CBT therapy, so I've learned about some of my habits like 'mind-reading' and 'predicting the future.' I'm trying to stop doing these, and counter them with other thoughts that are less negative and more realistic, however I don't think I'll ever 'stop' thinking about encounters. Especially ones that impacted me so profoundly, that's nearly impossible for me. Thanks for your reply though.

I get the overall impression that it is very hard for you to be natural, to hear what is being said, to say what you mean, to take each encounter for just what it is. I also get the impression that it is hard for you to act instead of just react (what did he mean, what is he thinking, what does he want?). The great relief in life comes when the two are about even: sometimes you set the pace, the tone, what goes on and is felt, and other times the other person does. Friends, lovers, family, strangers, everybody. And with love interests, the great relief comes when you realize that they are just as unsure and bumbling at first as you are.
That is difficult to overcome. Practice on close friends, and ask them to be very honest each step of the way.

You're right, it is hard for me. I'm not sure why, but it's been like this long as I can remember. I know it's a mixture of low self-esteem/self-confidence, severe anxiety, and lack of skills when it comes to socializing with potential partners and interests. I don't flirt, and don't know how. I've never been kissed, or even held hands with someone I felt a connection with. And I can barely recognize when others show an interest, and can rarely understand why they like me in the first place.

I'd like to feel more in charge of my life, my interactions. I'd like to act more instead of reacting (maybe why I initiated the convo with my ex-crush). I've never had a lover, and don't even feel in control of who my friends are, I don't have many these days mind you. I don't have close friends. But what exactly did you think I should practice? Thanks.

[joypulv]

I was hoping you could ask your friends (or family, if you are close) for honest appraisals of how you act in everyday situations. Leave the possible love interests out of it for now - just ask maybe two people to give you critiques and impressions and even advice.

Just listen to what they say! Don't try to respond. You aren't in court being charged with a crime; you are looking for help. Just say 'OK, tell me more tomorrow, and thanks.' You don't want to drive them away.

You responded to my first 2 comments with 'I didn't mean.' You also used therapy words like 'trigger.' While I'm all in favor of therapy and have had some myself, I know all too well how easy it is to slither behind words like trigger. I think you still blame others for how you feel and act, which is the other side of the coin of waiting to see what others do so that you can try to figure out how to act.

Good luck. Work on finding friends, maybe renewing some old ones? Or keep talking here. Live is better.

[cyfi]

I was hoping you could ask your friends (or family, if you are close) for honest appraisals of how you act in everyday situations. Leave the possible love interests out of it for now - just ask maybe two people to give you critiques and impressions and even advice.

Just listen to what they say! Don't try to respond. You aren't in court being charged with a crime; you are looking for help. Just say 'OK, tell me more tomorrow, and thanks.' You don't want to drive them away.

You responded to my first 2 comments with 'I didn't mean.' You also used therapy words like 'trigger.' While I'm all in favor of therapy and have had some myself, I know all too well how easy it is to slither behind words like trigger. I think you still blame others for how you feel and act, which is the other side of the coin of waiting to see what others do so that you can try to figure out how to act.

Good luck. Work on finding friends, maybe renewing some old ones? Or keep talking here. Live is better.

Thanks once again for your reply. I guess I'll consider asking my sister how I am in social situations as she's the closest person to me and I don't have any close friends. I hope she'll be honest and not worry about my feelings.

I used 'trigger' because I don't know a better way of describing it. There are truly situations that remind me of and verify negative views I have about myself. Ex. If I'm rejected somehow by someone, I feel unlikeable and unlovable. It coincides with my deep inner thought that I'm unworthy of love, that I'm not good enough for it. I've learned a way of challenging this thought, but it's still hard and rejection will always 'trigger' it.
Admittedly, I've thought a fair bit about being trying to reconnect and be friends. Sometimes I regret having gone 'no contact' like I did, but I was in so much pain and in such a bad place. I truly didn't have (or know) any healthy ways of getting over him and feeling better. I felt at the time that it was probably my only option short of self-harm.


I'm no good at expressing my feelings but I do wonder what he would say if I told him I was going through a hard time and didn't handle things well in the past. I wonder if I'd be forgiven, and fear if he'd reject me again. I don't know if it's worth the risk at this point.


I erased him from Facebook so I feel like it'd be so awkward to message him there, but would it be crazy if I hypothetically sent him a quick 'I know this is random but just wanted to say it was nice running into you last weekend' text? If that's strange/awkward/ and a bad idea please let me know. I'm not sure if this is something I should risk doing or if I should just leave this alone.
What are your thoughts? Should I follow my heart and text him or is that just weird, creepy and pointless?

Anyway, I hope it's all right if I ask your opinion on something else.

[Curlyben]

This is the SAME question you asked back in Feb..
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...re-783131.html

[talaniman]

Leave him alone and move on. Better yet reread your other post, and then move on.

[cyfi]

@Curlyben NO this isn't. It's the same guy in both stories, but different situations entirely. Did you read it? In Feb he ignored me, this time we actually spoke. How is it the SAME question?

[cyfi]

I don't plan to message him anything at this point, despite the fact I'm sure he was going to ask me to hang out with our mutual friend and him but stopped. I think I'll just make plans to see her in the future and she can invite him if she wants. Alternatively, when/if I see him in the future and we speak again, I'll try to either say how I fee face to face or text him straight after the encounter. (I'm afraid too much time has passed now since we saw each other last week at this point.)

[talaniman]

Leave it alone, let it go. Make no plans whatsoever. Why make this such a big deal? Move beyond it.

[joypulv]

When I suggest that you avoid words like trigger, it's because I know personally how easy it is for an intelligent, aware person to talk circles around herself.

You DID say 'thanks to him' you had a bad bout of depression. Why try to re-explain? Triggers or not, that is the key to your behavior. You blame others for what you feel and do, and in the same vein, you don't know what to feel and do except as a reaction to others.

The day that sinks in and becomes fully realized within you, you will be much, much freer of all this grief. It's not all or nothing, and everyone of course 'reacts' to others, but it's a matter of degree. You have it bad.

[cyfi]

You blame others for what you feel and do

I can't agree with this statement at all considering my whole life I've blamed myself for how others treated me. I blamed myself when my father left my family, I blamed myself when kids in school didn't accept me, I blame myself when I meet guys who mistreat me or lose interest. I ALWAYS blame me. Am I somehow not blaming myself enough for when people hurt me? I'm not even interested in finding more ways to blame myself.

One thing I learned in therapy is that how people treat you has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with them. That is the new mantra I'm trying to adopt. That said, I'm still grateful you took the time to respond to me once more and I understand the danger you speak of. That's why I reworded my sentence, old habits die hard, but I know my depression wasn't given to me by him. It returned as a response to my own negative feelings that came about after he seemed less interested. It returned because I was telling myself "you see, know one likes you. Not as a friend, or anything more. Not for long anyway. People will always leave you. You'll always be alone." He didn't plant those thoughts in my mind, they were always there being strengthened by situations where I experienced rejection. (Or just felt I was, social anxiety has ways of making you believe no one likes you when that isn't even true).

You mention that I'd be 'freer of all this grief' if it sunk in that I

don't know what to feel and do except as a reaction to others.

But I am already aware of my social ineptness. It's what makes me feel so unconfident in social situations, it's part of the reason I have socially anxiety. I never know what to say or do, or how to act 'properly' or 'normally.' (Which are just concepts in themselves. Who decided what is proper and normal for a given situation anyway?) I'm an observant person but these are things I just never got. Last year I actually took a test to find out if I have acute Asperger's because I knew I wasn't normal and felt no one else felt as lost as me.

Anyway how, in your opinion, do I learn to act and feel as a normal human being should in social settings? I think it's important to note that I was the one who said 'hi' to my ex-crush first last weekend. We usually just ignored each other prior, and it took a lot of guts on my end so I think I am slowly improving and learning to be more active instead of just reactive to situations. Males still scare the heck of me though, especially attractive peers, so I know I have a long way to go and wish I could get more practice.

You have it bad.

Comments like this are unnecessary, and can be hurtful. I'm okay, or at least I'm going to be. I'm not a hopeless case. My therapist was so proud of my progress. She said I'm too hard on myself and other people she made me talk to couldn't believe I had anxiety. She said I perceive myself 'much differently than others do.' I need to remind myself of this. I don't have anything 'bad.' There's nothing 'bad' about me.

[cyfi]

Leave it alone, let it go. Make no plans whatsoever. Why make this such a big deal? Move beyond it.

Because as far as I know we will continue to meet randomly and being the worrier that I am, I want to be and feel prepared. Anyway, this particular situation is over.

[joypulv]

Blaming yourself is just the other side of the coin of blaming others. It's all wrapped up in the same things.

I spent most of my 67 years blaming my mother for everything. Literally everything. I still do to some extent, and she died 8 years ago. Friends can decide to drop us. Acquaintances can decide not to be friends. Romantic interests can change their minds. They are in varying degrees pretty much like you and I and everyone else, buffeted about by fathers who abandoned them, mothers who controlled them, strings of lovers who hurt them, on and on in all the infinite ways we mold ourselves into today's self. I know that my mother's harsh words 50, 60 years ago still run through me. I could be your friend, and you might say something that triggers those words, and I could say similar words to you. The point is that we are all bozos on this bus. We wound, we are wounded, we regroup, we try again. A guy hurts you? Maybe you did something completely innocent that hurt him. No one knows. He might not know. As you get older I think you will get bolder and ask and tell.
Whoa, what did I say?
Ouch, that hurt.
'Openness' takes practice.