I really like him

anushkapatel · Aug 21, 2014, 11:01 PM

I have a friend in my college and I like him a lot but he has a very close friend who is a girl. That girl already has a boyfriend outside our college. She is fooling both the boys. All our friends know about the girl but the boy whom I like probably doesn't know because she lies to him all the time. I really like him and want to be with him but I don't know how to separate them. He is not understanding and is seen with her all the time. I feel bad about it and get hurt. I tried talking to him about it but he says she is just a friend and nothing else, I respect their friendship but it seems they are more than friends. I really love him a lot and I expressed my feelings for him. I want to know how do I get close to him?

Alty · Aug 21, 2014, 11:50 PM

You say you expressed your feelings for him. What did he say when you did?

anushkapatel · Aug 22, 2014, 12:04 AM

Long back he said he likes to spend time with me and when I expressed my feeling he just said "okay"

anushkapatel · Aug 22, 2014, 01:41 AM

We even spent a lot of time together and became intimate at times and nobody in the college knows about it.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 22, 2014, 08:18 AM

It does not seem this guy is in any way liking you outside of occasional sex. In fact he may think this is all you are about.
Stay out of his business about this girl. I'd say you're jealous and that is ugly.

smoothy · Aug 22, 2014, 08:34 AM

THis is what we call a "Booty call" You are his personal sex toy... and not much more.

talaniman · Aug 22, 2014, 09:15 AM

Just because you like someone doesn't mean they like you the same way, and it's a mistake to think they are good for you. You are one of many, and should end this intimate stuff, and leave him alone. He probably won't care, but its not all his fault. You are helping him hurt you, because you give more, and he takes what you give, and goes about his business.

If you want more than secret intimacy, stop being INTIMATE until YOU get what YOU want. I doubt you get what you want from him anyway. Stop being his booty call, or friend with benefits.

anushkapatel · Aug 22, 2014, 09:44 PM

In the beginning he wanted people in college to know about us and I had refused saying "let's keep it to us"
And he doesn't approach for sex. We became intimate as in we only kissed at times. We went out for coffee at times and he behaved decently that is what I like in him.
And about that girl, I think its best to stay out of that business. He will know as time passes.

anushkapatel · Aug 23, 2014, 01:09 AM

He never shared any dirty joke or never passed any offending comment on me. He acts very decent. Gives advices in studies and career.I don't know why he is with that girl we fought a lot about it. Sometimes my ego came in between and sometimes his. But I care a lot for him and feel the same other way that even he cares.I really need an advice over this. I think I really love him and in future would even think of spending the rest of my life with him.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 23, 2014, 01:21 AM

Sorry, you must be from some culture other than western. Intimate in the west, means you are sexually active. Kissing is very causal and often has little meaning to many people.

But you started it, really by not allowing him to be public about spending time together, so he moved to someone, who would be public.

Your chance may be gone, you can not make him change his mind.

anushkapatel · Aug 23, 2014, 05:43 AM

Yes, I am from India. Is there anyway I can get him back? Because that girl already has a boyfriend with whom she says she will get married to and keeps telling lies to the guy I like, people in our college say that she is only using him for her requirements.

talaniman · Aug 23, 2014, 06:35 AM

I misunderstood the intimacy part also. I am still confused as to why you keep this such a secret? That makes no sense if you are serious, and sends a mixed signal. Please explain.

I think you get further along by controlling your own jealousy, and concern for his actions, with this other girl and letting him decide if he is being used or not. It doesn't sound like romance between them at all to me,and fighting over him helping her with studies is rather petty and immature and needs to stop. That probably would change the way you relate to each other and give more positive things to build on once you get over the SECRET nature of this relationship.

That leads us back to why does this have to be a secret in the first place. Again, please explain. From what you have written, it seems you are the one stopping this relationship, NOT him. Your actions are showing your shame of him and rejection with this arguing nonsense, when being open and honest and sweet would probably attract him more.

anushkapatel · Aug 23, 2014, 07:08 AM

I think you are right. I made a mistake by telling him that we should keep it a secret. But I just want to sort out things with him.
How shall I go ahead?

I asked him that we should go public and now he is refusing to do so. I know it was my fault. But now I want to keep things clear.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 23, 2014, 07:56 AM

Give him his space. If he wants you, he will approach you.
Be nice when you see him and don't talk to him about this girl.

anushkapatel · Aug 23, 2014, 08:35 AM

We were chatting casually for 2 days now. There is a new lounge opened in town and he said he is going there with some friends. I told him that I had already been there twice and never told him about it before. Now he got a little angry because I didn't tell him that I had been there with my friends. I didn't tell him because we had a fight at that time.
I just don't get it at times he is so much concerned about me and at times he is very rude. He wants me to tell him everything that is going on in my life. I don't mind because of course if I dream of spending my life with him it he should know. What is troubling me within is his aggressiveness that he displays at times. Sometimes he cares a lot and sometimes he is very rude! He feels that I lie to him at times.
I will be patient. I can wait. I won't trouble him by constantly texting or calling. I just want a good way to attract him and pull him towards me emotionally.
And for him, looks and being very sexy doesn't matter. Is there anyway to get closer to his heart?
(I made cards for him before and he loved those, I send funny, positive messages occasionally and he reverts back with smileys)

Homegirl 50 · Aug 23, 2014, 09:33 AM

Do you want someone in your life who is like this? There is not enough love to put up with some who is nice one minute and rude the next.
Back off. Live your life. If he likes you and is wanting to be nice and not rude, let him make the move. You don't need to be telling him you're dreaming of him and wanting to spend your life with him. You are in a sense telling him he can treat you any way he chooses. He can be nice when he wants and rude when he wants and that's OK with you. You need to care more about yourself.

anushkapatel · Aug 23, 2014, 09:48 AM

Yes, I think I should wait for him to make the move.
Thank you for the help. :)

talaniman · Aug 23, 2014, 10:10 AM

That would be wise since you seem to be way more smitten by him than he is you to be honest. Seems you overlook his bad points and only THINK he is a great guy. You should be careful following just your heart, or giving your heart away so easily.

You should never get so carried away by your own feelings, you ignore obviou warning signs about a guy. You should never have to play games, or resort to tricks to attract someone who HONESTLY likes you and cares for you. That's rather foolish, and makes you available for some dumb stuff.

Just be cool and see what happens and protect your heart. Don't just give it away.

anushkapatel · Aug 23, 2014, 10:13 AM

Thank you for your help :D

Precious7 · Aug 23, 2014, 02:23 PM

I just don't get it at times he is so much concerned about me and at times he is very rude. He wants me to tell him everything that is going on in my life. I don't mind because of course if I dream of spending my life with him it he should know. What is troubling me within is his aggressiveness that he displays at times. Sometimes he cares a lot and sometimes he is very rude! He feels that I lie to him at times.

Hi, I agree with tal! Just want to add one thing,
As a person who understand your culture! He already has a close friend who is girl, and as your post shows that he is a good looking guy or whatever. He knows you like or love him, and you both even had become intimate (kissed each other), which itself is very Big thing in that culture, and sometimes he shows his care and sometime he is rude and aggressive as you've said. It looks like he knows that you are always there for him, and what is your feeling towards him and I think he is confused or want's both relationship, and when you've told him to keep secret about your relationship, may be he would have doubted or got confused, that whether you are serious or not. So he is kind of cool and slow. You even yourself know that there are few group of or kind of people there who don't like girls who are easily available, even though it is the boy who had persuaded her or led that girl. So, may be he is also thinking like that! But I am just saying it can be anything. So, I would say, do whatever you want but don't be available for him so easily until or unless he shows that he loves you, I am not taking about the cares he shows but I am talking about that until he tells you that he loves you too and want to have serious relationship with you. Till then, treat him as a good friend.

Add your answer here.