[Moogaman93]

Not too long ago I posted a question up in the relationship forum regarding my ex girlfriend, an au pair from Poland who had to leave the united states and go home for school, its been a month since she's left and even though we had contact we cut ties do to some indiscretions, my indiscretions. I'm not so sure I want to write about what I've been up to since she left, it puts me in a bad light and in my opinion how I've been coping is fairly pathetic, but it wouldn't help the reader at all in helping me if I kept every detail to myself. I've a history with depression and I guess also due to my ADD I've somewhat of an addictive personality, I really don't want to come off as someone who's fixating on these two things, the depression and ADD, because I'm not, I'm in my 20's and I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 10 through actual, expensive, testing, and then diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 14, again, through actual testing and blah blah blah, both not big deals to me anymore really, they only seem to rear up once in a blue moon, and I'm really not trying to excuse my behavior by mentioning these things, the reality of it is, because of these factors I guess my brain is wired in a way that makes it easier to develop addictions, but I know most of it is my fault, I've been careless, I'm an adult and I take full responsibility for my stupidity.
As of July 17th, the day I drove my ex girlfriend to the airport and we said our good byes, I've been drinking, its August 19th as I write this, and yeah, there have been days where I wasn't drinking, of course, but I've been drinking an unhealthy amount. Other than drinking I've been partying, and taking drugs, this has interfered with my studies and as a result I've failed my medical national registry for my EMT certification and I'm having to take a refresher course, which in turn has increased this emptiness I have inside. I feel really pathetic, she was only a girl and I've seen 5 girls since she left, I'm not going to waste anyone's time by writing how special I think she is and how important she was to me, the details are there, but they don't factor into this. I guess since she left, and a little before I've been depressed, take it how you will, and I agree with everyone and anyone who says that getting depressed over something like this is stupid, but it's there, I feel empty and the only happiness I get is through parties and drinking and sex, things I used to love, like writing and even my studies do little to nothing to me anymore.
With that being said, and the point being made of my depression and, maybe, chemical dependence, I'd have to say lately I'm doing better, emotionally I guess, I've still been drinking a lot and yeah, I'm still taking drugs(which will later come to play in this) but I've also started seeing this girl. Now, I've seen a few girls since my ex left, and if I'm being nice, these girls were boring, and if I'm not being nice, they were uninteresting chicks who thought to high of themselves and wouldn't shut up about how cool they were and how avant garde they were, an issue I guess when you date college graduates around the DC area, but anyway, I meet this girl, how is not important, and we go out, we have fun, things get heavy, like bed room heavy, not sex heavy, but bed room heavy, and we just essentially talk the whole time, like about life, and its really cerebral and really interesting and for the time I was with her I forgot about my ex, I forgot about how sad I was, and I don't know, I guess I focus on how cool and cute this girl is. So I drop her off at home and we don't see each other again for about a week, but in between we text, and on our date she had already been like,"I have stuff going on in my life," and to what level I'm not going to put out there because that's her business, but we're texting about it, and its kind of heavy. So we see each other again and I take her out and we go back to my place and again things get heavy, but two nights before the date I had rolled on MDMA at a party and I was coming down, hard, and we had to stop what we were doing, and I guess it would scare a lot of people away but I was shivering and seizing and she was holding me and kissing me and stroking my hair, and it was really nice, I told her that if she didn't want to see me it was cool, she deserved better than what I could give her right now, but she kept holding me and we talked.
Now I guess the reason I'm putting all this out there is because, even though I didn't go as far as to mention my girlfriend(?)'s personal business, its heavy, and I really want to be with her, she's a beautiful person, but because of this I feel like I'm bad for her, yeah, I'm willing to quit everything, its much easier said then done, yeah, but for her I'd do it, but I still feel like I'm bad for her, I'm not ready for someone yet, I'm very empty on the inside and I feel like if things get committed with this girl I'll still be distanced and I'll hurt her. I'm not entirely sure what I should do, I want to be with her, she makes me happy, but I don't want to hurt her with my drinking and the drugs, I don't want her to be there to see me try and go through quitting. I guess I need some advice.

[Homegirl 50]

You need to get off drugs and alcohol. Not for her but for you. You are not in any shape to be in a relationship.

[talaniman]

Guy, given your medical history, and present activities, you are supposed to be empty inside. You are ODing on depressants which you should never be taking. Alcohol is a DEPRESSANT. Forget the outside influences and feel good solutions of chemical and people dependency and clean yourself up, and then take a second look at yourself before you look around at the rest of the world.

Keep it simple. Stop drinking, and leave the world alone except for people who can help you stop drinking, and drugging. Love and romance and fun are NOT the priority. Cleaning your damaged brain/body and healing IS!

Good health and a clear mind is EXACTLY what your soul needs. At least be willing to try since what you are doing now is NOT working very well. Go to NA or AA and beg for your life and dedicate the next year to doing what you are told.

What you need is a sponsor. The right friend(S) to guide you from where you have allowed yourself to be dumped, and get your mind, body, heart, and soul back to good health. Help yourself by getting the right help.

The only question is do you want it? Are you WILLING to check yourself into REHAB tomorrow? You need DETOXING NOW. Up to you.

Fair WARNING- Doing the right thing for yourself is going to hurt like hell, before it gets better.

[joypulv]

You are young, and presumably in good physical health, but if you weren't you could easily drop dead any day now, mixing what you are mixing. I can't tell if you are trying to kill yourself or if this is your style anyway.

Your title says that you are dating someone with depression. You clearly are depressed too, putting all the burden of a meaning of life on love relationships. (I used to do that do, as do countless people. I'm just old enough now to have gotten past it. Wish it had happened a lot sooner!)

I'm sure that you realize that you feed off each other in all the wrong ways. It's best to back off and be 'friends.' You call her your girlfriend with a? but still, it's way too soon to even use the word at all. Get your sobriety in order and let her work on her problems, and meet at coffee shops for now. Be glad you have a TALK-mate. Very valuable. Don't ruin a good thing.

[Moogaman93]

Sorry for the late reply, but I guess due to uncanny circumstance the night I posted this, this girl tried to kill herself using prescription medication, so her and I aren't really talking, we're talking but in short instances.
I think a break between her and I is a good idea, but I'm an impulsive guy, so I tend to say and do whatever comes to my mind, I'm worried I'm going to mess things up with her because I like her, I don't know.