[65woodbridge]

I recently yelled at a female co worker and her reaction was so extremely stressfull that I became very concerned. Upon discussing this with another employee who has known her for years, I learned that she was mentally and physically abused years ago by her x-husband. I am afraid that she has emotionally attached me to her x. she no longer will talk to me, except about business we must discuss for work. Last week she has begun to even turn away from me every time I pass her desk.
what can I do to stop this problem from getting worse and I care about her - what should I do to support her?

additional facts:
1. I take full responsibility for yelling, however it was not in anger or criticism, nor was there anyone else there.
I had become an "unwanted admirer" of hers, although she had said nothing to me about it, I noticed something was wrong.
I asked her to discuss it with me "later" if I was really bothering her. she came to my desk after everyone had left the building and as I began to apologize, she suddenly bolted for the door and I yelled at her to come back and talk to me. I was frustrated and felt helpless - I knew I had lost a friend of 6 years by her reaction.
2. the other employee told me about her past -I have mentioned this to no one else.
3.I think I really frightened her and feel terrible about this.


Cat1864,
Thanks for the great advice, I'm trying to not make a big deal out of it and stay businesslike and professional. Do you think I may have self control issues? I feel guilty and can't seem to put this incident out of my mind. She is the main receptionist and transfers calls to me through out the day. When she talks to me on the phone now, she is very nice, but when I pass by her desk she still turns away and won't talk to me or say good morning. we have been friends for over 6 years - could it be possible that she just doesn't like me anymore? maybe I tried to get too close to her and she is just rejecting me in her own way. I want to talk to her badly, but I'm afraid if I persist she could claim sexual harassment. I know I need to leave her alone, but it's painful when someone you know won't even look at you.

[Precious7]

I am not sure but may be if u give her a space, and deal with her I kindness and also, if you can apologies for the way you said or whatever u think u can, may be with a note on her desk or a card which shows that you want to have peace with her! Just try may be it works! And let her know that it was just a stressed mind bcos of the work, and don't take it personally.(say this only if its true otherwise skip it).

Let us know if that worked. All the best.

[Cat1864]

I would not try to apologize any more than you already have (if you have.) Abusers are notorious for physically, mentally and emotionally abusive and then making excuses such as "I was stressed." You would sound like her ex trying to rationalize his behavior.

Treat her like you would any other co-worker. Keep things professional and business-like. Do not make a big deal out of it. Let her work through the issues in her own mind.

Now, was there a reason you lost your temper? Does this happen very often? If so, do you need to work on your own issues?

[talaniman]

Leave her alone except for work related business and what reaction did you expect from yelling at a co worker? You are lucky she didn't report you instead of ignoring you for your bad behavior.

Let her deal with her issues, and you deal with yours. Hope you learned a valuable lesson.

[CravenMorhead]

I recently yelled at a female co worker...

Unless you're in a position of authority over her you have NO right to yell at her. Even if you're her supervisor, manager, or boss, you have NO right to yell at her. If you're having anger management issue I would, as others have, suggest you get treatment for that. I am not sure her reaction has anything to do with Battered wife syndrome. I think you probably crossed a line in your reaction and she's treating you as a coworker. Goodness knows I would be a little cold toward a person who'd yelled at me at work, even after they apologized. Who knows when and what will set you off next. Keep it work related so if you do it again than she can go to HR with it.

Honestly what do you expect to happen if you can't control your temper. You're going to have to earn the right to be friends with her again. That's going to take time.

[Jake2008]

You yell at her, and turn this all around on your co-worker?

Then you gossip about her behind her back, and you're told a second hand story about her experiences with an abusive ex from years ago, from another co-worker.

Then you think that she has emotionally attached you to her ex-husband.

And further, you want the 'problem' not getting any worse. Even your heading: "Battered Wife Syndrome- Co-Worker"

And what is a 'stressful reaction'? And was that 'stressful reaction' you, or her.

How about you. What did YOU do, and why, to bring about this big blame game- on the victim.

1. She may have a history of being abused by an ex husband- ex husband. She has obviously overcome that ancient history, so why are you looking to find proof that her reaction is related in any way to her past life with an abusive man?

2. What makes you think that it wasn't YOU who was so abusive toward her, that is 'causing this problem'?

3. Do you think she is unaware of your continued involvement through gossip and innuendo after the fact?

4. What qualifies you to say she has ANY syndrome at all.

5. You want to 'help' her? You think she needs your 'help'? Why would she need anything from a co-worker who was out of control in the work place, and yelled at her to such an extent that she had an equally strong reaction toward you?

Everybody is an expert, even you. You have this all figured out, and it's all her fault. What a nice little package you put together, to justify what you did.

Why did YOU yell at her, and was there any gossip that you have an anger problem because of an ex girlfriend that causes you to over react to people who trigger bad memories of the past?

Why can't you leave the woman alone?

I assume you apologized- right? Have you also apologized for not letting this go? Maybe an apology for talking behind her back about her personal life, or maybe a possible connection between your behavior, and how it has affected her without justification from you and your co-worker(s) about her past?

That she continues to work in that workplace, with all the drama, and probably knowing that you and your big mouth has blown it all out of proportion (her reaction- you didn't mention your behavior at all).

You yelling in the workplace, and then causing continued and unwarranted harassment of this woman, should see you fired. Either of those infractions should cost you your job.

But, here you are, wondering how you can carry on bothering this woman, with a diagnosis of 'batter wife syndrome' diagnosis, and expect a new audience to offer you up some suggestions.

I think you need to leave this woman alone. Do your job. Stop gossiping, and grow up.

[Cat1864]

To other posters: Please note the op has added information to his question.

665woodbridge, you can reply to the thread. That way we get notifications that the thread has been updated.

I think you may have crossed her comfort boundary line even before you yelled. From what you said she has been showing signs that something was bothering her even before the yelling incident. She may be trying to deal with thoughts and feelings that she isn't ready for. It seems you went from being a safe co-worker/friend to a threat to her stability. I don't think you actually did anything. She may be trying to figure out how to handle the situation. That is something she will have to decide for herself.

Be yourself and keep things on a business footing. She may become friendly again or she may not, but that is on her. All you can do at this moment is back off and wait.