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Stevieb143 · Jul 12, 2014, 01:25 PM

I started dating a girl around 6 months ago, generally everything seems to be going well. WE have spent a lot of time together and have practically moved in together.

But since we have moved in there has been 1 problem that has caused so many bad thoughts in my head.

Her Ex has been messaging her saying he wants her back, so far my GF has said that she is not interested in him anymore, which I do believe. But her ex has been sending me messages and photos about my GF past. This wouldn't usually bother me but she lied to me about him and there relationship.

We ask the typical questions of each others past when we got together, when did last relationship end, how many relationships, one night stands etc. She originally told me that her relationship ended over 12 months ago but with a different guy. In addition she went on holiday last year with some work friends. I did ask a few times about the holiday as there were inconsistencies in the story.

The truth has now came out that she was in a relationship with a guy until 3 months before we got together, was living with him and they went on holiday together. I do not know why she decided not to tell me about him.

The stuff I am getting from her ex is killing me inside and being honest is starting make me doubt her and not trust her.

The Messages have included
* Details about GF past
* FB Posts on exes wall showing that they went out for lunch or dinner near her work, after our relationship started.

Now more recently my GF has changed her messaging app away from FB messenger to another one, but when I see her looking at messages it is is locked with a passcode. Acting like there is something to hide and she doesn't want me to see.

I love her so much, but these things are just eating away at me inside. When I try to discuss these things with her it just descends into a argument that I do not trust her and then I get ignored for over a day. It is making me think how honest has my girlfriend been. Are there other secrets she is trying to keep away from me and how can I rebuild the trust that I once had in her.

DoulaLC · Jul 12, 2014, 03:37 PM

First mistake was asking so many details about each others' pasts. But I suppose if you both were in agreement on it then you also have to be willing to accept what you might hear. An easy fix would have been to eliminate all ways for her ex to contact the two of you. Might be something to consider, for yourself anyway so that you don't have to see anymore of his messages.

Did you ask her why she wasn't completely honest with you? Perhaps she didn't want you to know how serious the previous relationship had been so as not to cause you worry. However, that has obviously backfired.

What does she say about her ex sending you these messages? Your talks end in arguments about not trusting her... well, that's the truth! You don't trust her and she needs to understand why.

So now you are left with three options:

1) block any way for her ex to contact you, stop bringing up the past, and try to put it behind you... which will take time
2) find a time to talk to her and see if the two of you can be completely honest with each other... which will still take time for you to trust that she is indeed being honest
3) end the relationship since this has caused you to not trust her and you are left wondering what else she could be keeping secret

talaniman · Jul 12, 2014, 05:00 PM

Lots of drama for just 6 months and the more you learn the worse it seems to get. Time to back off, and make sure the ex can no longer contact you and poison your mind. It's his goal to poison the relationship, and he is doing great so far. You help him greatly by worrying about the past so much.

I don't think you can handle this and unless you can it was a great 6 months, but appears to be rushing to an end. I really don't think she trust you enough to handle all she could tell and he is finding that out. I really know few people who want to share everything about themselves after just 6 months, and maybe you two have been moving way too fast for your own good.

Regardless you are pushing too hard, and need to back way off, or the poison will work. Whatever the truth is, this has gotten too messy to understand, and the fun may be over. Nobody can know everything in 6 months and the whole point of dating should be having fun getting to know each other, and this doesn't sound like fun dating to me at all.

Typical when exes are around to throw crap in the game to get you out of the way and you fall for it.

Stevieb143 · Jul 12, 2014, 08:20 PM

Thank you for the replies.the thing is I didn't really want to know much detail at all. Our questions about our past was pretty simple. When did your last relationship end and if you have had any one night stands. This was done and the past subject was dropped. Conversation was short and directly to the point.we both have history, I'm divorced out of a 12 yr marriage with kids. She has had 2 shorter relationships after a 9 yr relationship. But she was never married or had kids.We we talked a bit about our travels, holiday etcThe only reason the past came up was because he contacted her and then me on FB. I never wanted to know anything. He was posting pictures of them on holiday and other things. She did tell me what happened between them and the reason why they split. One thing that sticks in my head is that she said it wasn't a proper relationship, but they were living together.. Which confused me. But then so did her vagueness over her times. I am aware the got together in April, holiday in June, moved in together and then split in September. But no matter what problem I bring up it always ends up with me being ignored. Seems to be her way of dealing with confrontation. The more time that goes by, I am just not sure where her feelings are. 1 day she is so open about her feelings then the next the barriers comedown and just really cold. I love her a lot, but my instinct is giving me loads of warning signs. She has refused to go on holiday with me, which has annoyed me. As I want to build new memories with her.

talaniman · Jul 13, 2014, 05:25 AM

Maybe she sees warning signs in you too, my friend, and isn't ready to build those memories you want. Maybe she has tried those holiday fling things and they didn't work for her. Lots of maybe's here, too many to be comfortable about, and one wonders how deep this thing really is. Clearly not as deep as you want, and to be quite frank the fun part seems to be over.

Backoff and slowdown. The honeymoon is over. Makes no sense to keep pushing against a brick wall.

Stevieb143 · Jul 13, 2014, 08:55 PM

We had a short chat last night to clear a few things. Some things about the past were cleared up. Didn't push to hard for things just seeing how she reacted rather than the answer.

I am just going to take things as they happen for a while. If it doesn't work then so be it.

Jake2008 · Jul 14, 2014, 07:14 AM

The ironing out of details, in the process of getting to know someone, is something to be done, BEFORE you move in together. That you said she is practically living with you means there is still time to simply back off, until you are comfortable.

Don't live together. Maintain your independence from her to a comfortable degree, because, you do not yet know her.

That being said, with this relationship being so new, and regardless of all the sorted details, there is enough of a question mark about this woman, that trust isn't going to happen easily, because she is not trustworthy. Simple as that.

Starting a new relationship based on half-truths, hidden or part information, outright lies, deception, and the cloak and dagger stuff, is not what establishing trust and a lasting relationship you can build on toward a future with, is all about.

Nobody owes any person their personal history by the way, and it's better not to 'go there' if you decide to, and then aren't honest. It creates what is commonly known as drama. And who needs that. The kind of information you have now, on her, doesn't read well for establishing even a friendship, let alone a committed relationship as a couple.

You'd likely drop a new friend like her, and see right away that she is not good friendship material.

Be careful, keep your distance, and don't live together. And make sure you protect yourself from becoming a father.

talaniman · Jul 14, 2014, 07:20 AM

You waste a lot of effort to keep someone around you don't believe, and don't trust. Is the sex that GOOD?

cmeeks · Jul 14, 2014, 11:17 AM

The fact is you no longer trust her. In reality there is probably nothing she can do to gain your trust back and if she did you would probably never trust her fully again. This is the nature of human relationships. Unless you can forgive her for any real or perceived transgressions and truly trust here your relationship will be based on suspension and will not be healthy and enjoyable. The problem is as much your perception of her possible infidelity as it is anything she actually did. Unless you can come to terms with this any action on her part would not be a long term solution to your relationships problems.
Remember a rebellious possessive ex on Facebook can say and post whatever they want even old photos. The real question is dose she reply to his text and if so is she willing to stop communicating with the ex to further your relationship.

Stevieb143 · Jul 14, 2014, 08:35 PM

Ok. Advice for keeping distance? What would u suggest?

Above all she is a great person to be with, but these issues are tough to deal with.

I know getting over her past is my issue to deal with. That is fine. But there are things in the past that raise so many questions.

DoulaLC · Jul 15, 2014, 04:06 AM

You could tell her just that... you are working on dealing with these issues and, for now anyway, you need time to sort it out. She may end the relationship, or she may give you that time, perhaps even want to help you or clear the air and try to start fresh. Obviously, if she wants to help the situation, contact with her ex would have to end.

If you are wanting to actually end the relationship, then best to let her know why, and go your separate ways. No mutual friends on Facebook, no more contact.

Either way, you'll have to decide if 6 months is investment enough to make it worth working on, or if you would rather move on if you feel there has been too much drama. For some people, lies early on would be a deal breaker, for others they decide the relationship is worth working on.