[gloomday]

Hi, I am a 19 year old boy, but most of the time I have fears like a girl. I always feel unsafe when I travel at night and in dark places. I am scared of tall men. I start stammering while talking to them. I have no confidence most of time.

When I was 13 years old, I got an infection near my genitals & thighs. I was rubbing my genitals for many days. My sisters complained to my mom. Mom thought that I have grown up and was masturbating. She warned me not do this in-front of sisters, but due to itch I did it many times.

My mom took me to a quack. He asked me to remove my clothes, but there was only a small room, so I didn't want to strip in-front of mom and sisters, but I was forced to strip. He checked me and found no disease. He told my mom that I was misbehaving as I did not have any problem. Mom got very angry.

He suggested a punishment. He told my sisters to count 1 2 3 up-to 10, as he is going to pull my penis 10 times as a punishment. Hearing this, all started laughing, at beginning mom was not sure but later my sister's insisted and my mom gave her consent for this punishment. Then he suddenly grabbed my tiny penis and started pulling it. He was not pulling it very hard, still it was painful and embarrassing.

When I returned home, my sisters told this to everyone and since then I have lost all my confidence when it was happened I was very young, just 12-13 years old and I could not do anything against them. What can I do now against them all?

Yes, I am from a Asian country .

[J_9]

You should start with counseling to get this all sorted out.

[Alty]

Who is it you want to go after, your sisters, your mother, the doctor? I'm assuming you mean that you want them to pay legally for what was done to you?

Was that the only time this punishment happened, or did it occur multiple times? Did your mother continue this punishment at home?

There's very little you can do legally to your sisters. They were children too, and they didn't physically abuse you.

As for your mother, she didn't actually abuse you either. She did give her consent, on the advice of a doctor.

You may have a case against the doctor, depending on what the statute of limitations is where you live, but you'd have to be able to prove that this happened.

All in all I think it would be better for you to get counseling to help deal with this, and leave the rest in the past.

Good luck.

[joypulv]

gloomday, you have been on this site before with the very same question, haven't you? If I recall, you got many suggestions. Why do you feel a need to start from the beginning each time?
The typical response to any childhood trauma that results in chronic problems adjusting to life is to find a GOOD therapist. It may be difficult in your country, especially in your part of your country. But you can shop around, asking for a 20 minute interview in order to find someone you like. You need to condense your story even more, however, in order to have time for a response and a sense of the therapist. Something like "I have many fears and no confidence because of a doctor who gave a punishment of pulling my penis by him and my sisters, who told everyone." That story isn't as important as is what your fears are now.

As for getting back at everyone? The best way to get revenge is to live without fear. As it is, you are just extending the punishment on yourself. You need to start by telling yourself that you WANT to be confident and unafraid.

[Alty]

Joy, I wish I could greenie you twice. Best post on this thread in my opinion.

[gloomday]

Thank you, joy for reply, yes, I got some suggestions, like a thearpy, but probably you forgot which country I belong to, I tried to access some thearpist, but here either they are very greedy for money or they are very bussy. So still result was nothing very better, I have been going through this all for last 6 years, when I was very young, I felt embarrased and scared, after 5-6 years, I also feel like that they should be punished for this. I have been disapointed with my family, particularly from my mom and dad. They both have spoilt everything in my life.

Alty- I also thankful for your reply, and I have sent a message to you, if you get time you can check it.

[talaniman]

Have you tried a teacher, or spiritual leader?

[gloomday]

Joy- if you remember, I am from a south-Asian country, here due to high work pressure and poverty, people don't have time to listen the whole story, and when it comes to a good and expensive doctor, he even want to listen everything in short. As you said, I can condense my story but who will listen so long when people have no time ? If I had written a 3 page long question, probably no one would have read or replied.

Talaniman- no, I didn't try anything spiritual, I don't believe much on god -goddess.

[talaniman]

Is there no one you trust, or are close too? No friends? I understand how anger and humiliation and isolation can be a very desperate thing, so have you sought out a life away from your family, or employment/training elsewhere? Do you live on a farm or away from a large city. Please explain.

Have you thought of a journal or diary as a way of expression? Do you have to travel to a job? Are you formally educated? You write well and obviously computer literate.

The way to overcome any dark place is to shed light on it and change it. Not through revenge but guidance. Emulating one you respect and look up too. Why is that not your father? Uncle, or another elder?

[Fr_Chuck]

First, there are a lot of Asian cultures... I will narrow you down to India, since, China or Japan culture is much different, and issue like this, would not have much effect, since nudity and human body has little issue here.

Nothing is going to happen to the parents, you have to deal with the issue, that aer happening now,

[gloomday]

Fr Chuck- I don't know about china or japan, but things in this country now getting worst, But for me it has never been easy to deal with this for last 6 years.

[talaniman]

Be patient. As you said you are in a better place and your healing process has just really begun. Its okay to be angry and dissatisfied, and though you cannot share now, you will in the future as you progress further. Act not out of revenge, or anger, but channel it into motivating you to become better by bettering yourself and rising above the dysfunction, and ignorance you come from. This will for now make you meet the CHALLENGE of looking forward, and NOT backward at the past hurts.

We all face this challenge really no matter what the crap of the past is and we must strive to rise above it or drown in our past crap. You have survived it, and find strength and hope in that fact. Despite the anger, it has made you stronger, to move forward, so don't look back for petty revenge on the flawed ignorant dysfunctional humans you came from, pity them not yourself, forgive them, and forgive yourself for not knowing you are surviving and thriving while they forever remain stuck on stupid.

YOU will not. You will grow, and be better, and escape their hell. Pity them and save your anger for fuel to succeed. Don't waste it on silly revenge on some doomed dumba$$s. Be better than them.

[Alty]

I did get your PM. I suggest you post that info on this page. It's against site rules to give advice via PM, and there's a good reason for that. On the public boards all the experts and others with expertise, can read what you wrote. If I post advice that isn't good, they can correct it. Relying on one person to give you advice, is not beneficial. It puts you in a bad spot, and it especially puts me in a bad spot.

So please, you can PM me to say hi, or to chat, but you cannot PM me more info on your question and ask me to help you privately. All issues concerning this thread should be posted here.

Thank you.

[gloomday]

I am from a Asian country, India, and i lived in Bihar and Nepal. most of the time of my childhood i spent in my Maternal-grandfather/grand-mother's home over there.

My father did not have good relationship with my mother and my family, however he had not left my family but he used to come at home rarely, he was a driver, so when i was 9-10 year old i came back from my maternal-grandfather's home to my home, where i started living with my mom, uncle. aunt, my sisters, and cousins but the environment was very dirty there and my house was situated in a shabby part of the town, financial condition was also not good in my family, my father was not earning very much and he used to come to home very rarely.

As i told you when i grew up there, my uncle, aunt, mom or other relatives, used to punish us ( children s )....and in my joint family, i had one male cousin and 2 female cousins, so often time me and my male cousin got spanked sometime bare bottom or nude.

That quack whom about i told you, was almost a neighbor of us, and probably he had an affair with my mom, i mean at that time he had an IL-legal physical relationship with mom, and he used to come to my home often time. i didn't like him since very starting, he was tall, black, surly and arrogant guy.and the way he used to talk with mom like he was her husband and even sometime touching her...this was the reason i didn't want to see him and probably my sister's also. one or two time when he behaved with me rudely, in anger i also replied him rudely. i was 11-12 yrs then but because of mom's liking to him, i could't stop his coming to my home.

At that day when mom took me to his clinic, he checked me up and didn't find any rash, So he got a chance to bully me, humiliate me, and scare me. probably that's why he asked my sister's to count number's as he is going to pull on my penis 10 time as a punishment, when i heard this, i got scared and embarrassed but at the same time my sister's started instigating mom by saying that, i don't have any problem and for last 2-3 days i was rubbing my genitals in-front them, so i should be punished like this, i kept calling mom no, for this but finally my sister's convinced mom and she gave her permission to that quack for this,then that quack grabbed my penis and started pulling and tugging on it roughly, my sister's were counting number's and he was doing this to me, i tried to resist & protest, but i couldn't do anything. when he did this to me, i got some sort of erections ( however i didn't get pubity then ) and that quack started shaking my erect penis loudly & he was moving it round and round, he was doing this to make my sister's laugh and humiliate me more, he made total fun of my genitals, and because my sister's had never seen such things, they were laughing madly, even mom was laughing too. what all he did to me, was not much painful but it was so much shameful and humiliating that no one would ever like to go through this.

When i returned back to my home, i was feeling so much shame and embarrassment that i couldn't face rest of the people of my family, my sister's who were still laughing told this to my aunt, cousins, uncle and other peoples, even they told this to there school friends and neighboring friends, and after this incident whenever i did any mistake or displease my mom, aunt,or another family member, they used to threaten me that they would call that quack again, and he would again pull my penis as a punishment, it always made me very scared of him,for me that quack had become like a Demon or devil, who could eat me up anytime. ALL OF MY FAMILY TOOK THIS A FUNNY INCIDENT AND DIDN'T UNDERSTAND MY PAIN.

but this incident broke me badly, at that day, that quack not only molested me but he also killed self-esteem and dignity of a 13 years old boy. and as i told you he used to come to my home often time, so his presence always reminded me what was he had done to me. and because of this i became afraid of him. and same time i started fearing to go out in nights, in alone places, even i started fearing of group of boys.

luckily, after 2 years of this incident, i got a chance to move to another city for my better schooling because my dad arranged it for me. and since then i focused on my study, but i couldn't overcome from this completely, this thing teased in my mind that he had an affair with my mom, he used my mom, he molested me badly, he used to come to my home, and even after 6 years has been passed, i couldn't do anything against them.

I want to send that guy in jail, and i want my sister's to apologize to me, and simply i hate my mom more than " that quack/doctor" who had molested me.but i am not sure what i can do against her, she is like a witch, because she did like that, she had an affair with that quack, she didn't care for my family and probably my father as well, she let him punish and molest like this, and it could have damaged my genitals permanently, luckily i got saved.

As i told you after 2 year of that incident i got a chance to get out from my shabby and small home-town, so i moved to a metro city, where i had to struggle because of lack of confidence and fear, when i joined a good school and class over there, i used to seat quietly and scared, i was not even able to speak in-front Class. once a new female teacher came in my school, and she was our new class teacher she came in the class and asked from everyone to give introduction, and every one of class did this, but when it came my turn, i became so much nervous and scared that i almost forgot my own name, when i was introducing myself to her. and for next 3-4 years i faced many many problems which other boys were not facing.

[Alty]

I wouldn't say that other boys weren't facing the extreme shyness and fear of public speaking that you were. My son is terrified to speak in public. When he's given an assignment at school which requires speaking in front of the class, he takes a failing grade because he can't do it. He has never been molested. He's 15, and has been loved and treated very well all his life.

Sh*t happens. I was molested at the age of 5, for many years, by my cousin who used to babysit me. I was raped when I was 18. Those were both very traumatic events. They didn't stop me from becoming someone. Why? Because I didn't allow those two incidents to rule my life.

You need to learn to let the past go and focus on the future. If you can't find counseling to help you do this, then you need to do it on your own, and yes, you can do it. Many have. Many that have been through far worse than you.

[gloomday]

I feel sorry for you, I didn't know and I didn't want to remind you your worst days, I know girls & females do suffer more than boys and males. They can tolerate it and still are strong enough to over power it. In my county ( India ) females has been given a very decent and respective place in culture and society but now a days things are getting worst, and thousands of rape and molestation has been happening here per year.

Here in my country, boys and males are suppose to be strong than females in every mean, what I feel worst about it. Being a boy I way molested and nobody actually took it seriously or like a offence.and for last 5-6 years I have been suffering with the same thought, that no one has ever been apologetic to me, who was there and know all the things.

[talaniman]

You have no control over your society, or the action of others, only your own thoughts and actions and the lust for apologies, or revenge keeps you stuck in the past and makes you refeel your abuses of the past over and over.

You are no longer that helpless kid who was abused, so stop acting like it. Take control of your own thought and actions and move forward. Blaming idiots for their actions is a good way to feed your own self pity, and keep your mind stuck on past BS. Don't go there. Don't make excuses for your own lack of elf control, or responsibility for your own thoughts and actions going FORWARD to succeed.

[Alty]

I feel sorry for you, I didn't know and I didn't want to remind you your worst days, I know girls & females do suffer more than boys and males. They can tolerate it and still are strong enough to over power it. In my county ( India ) females has been given a very decent and respective place in culture and society but now a days things are getting worst, and thousands of rape and molestation has been happening here per year.

Here in my country, boys and males are suppose to be strong than females in every mean, what I feel worst about it. Being a boy I way molested and nobody actually took it seriously or like a offence.and for last 5-6 years I have been suffering with the same thought, that no one has ever been apologetic to me, who was there and know all the things.

I take your molestation and abuse very seriously. The thing is, if you're waiting for an apology from those that did this to you, you'll waste your life waiting.

There's an old saying. Holding on to anger about someone else, is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die from it. It does no good. Your anger won't hurt them, it will only hurt you. It is hurting you.

I would suggest writing a letter to your mother, the doctor, and your sisters. Say what you need to say. Pour your heart out in that letter. Shed the tears you need to shed, let all that anger out. Then burn the letter. Never send it. Burn it, and let it be a sign of a new beginning for you.

Every day you get a chance to make yourself who you want to be. It took a lot of courage to talk about your abuse, so I know you have enough courage to heal and move on. You can do this. You really can!

[gloomday]

Thank you Alty, for at lest you said and realized that they were wrong, I know they will not accept their fault because of their ego. I may forgive my sister's or cousin brother-sister, they all were of my age and was not very mature then. And I also did't feel humiliated just because I was nude, because at that time I was 13 yrs, and until before 1 year, when I was 12, I used to bath nude many time in side my home or in the pound or river, my sister's, aunt, cousins, uncle, neighbors all had seen this, but at that age of 12, it was OK to a boy to bath nude. But at that day when that doctor forcefully made me nude and then molested me, then I really felt very humiliated and offended, and my all relatives took it as simple as it was OK and funny. It was happened in 2008, now it is 2014, when I was a bit younger, it hurt me less but with time I grew up and I felt more and more offended by this.And as you said to me to write a letter to my mom but not give her but 1-2 times, I had tried to talk to mom about this , it was very embarrassing to me, but she is quite stubborn and rigid women, instead of saying sorry or showing any sympathy,she kept saying that what was done to me was right, she always thought that I was misbehaving and masturbating when my sister's caught me and then that quack didn't find any decease,so I was punished like that. Even my other family member's like aunt,uncle, my father's sister they also believed that I had learnt this bad things and that's why I was punished like this. So in home, I was feeling double humiliated, I was molested, degraded for what WHICH I HAD NEVER DONE. Anyway thank you again for you all people who replied to my thread.

[Alty]

Sadly in the country you live in, masturbation is considered bad. Where I live it's a natural part of growing up, learning to explore your body. Sadly there are still people, even where I live, that think masturbation is a sin, and they do unspeakable things to their children to prevent them from self exploration. There's even a device you can buy, it's a board that looks like a cross, it has straps for the arms and legs, and a head strap. If the child is caught touching themselves, they're put in this device. It sickens me that people can do this to their children because they believe it's sinful.

There were other even more horrific devices back in the day. A metal "underwear" that the child was forced to wear so that he couldn't touch himself.

You're not the first to have gone through something like this, and sadly you won't be the last.

What you have to do now is forget that day. Don't make that one day count for every other day you have in this life. Don't give the people that did this, the power to ruin your life. Only you can find the strength to move on. Only you can leave this in the past and despite them, have a good healthy life.