[superstar18]

My friends dad said something inappropriate to me. I'm not sure what to do. I told my friend about it and she told him and he said he apologizes for what he said. I'm still scared though. I can't concentrate at all and my mind is running with thoughts. I'm not sure what to do about this. I didn't tell my parents because they would not want me to go over to my friends house anymore and my friend and I are close. I don't want our friendship ruined. But now I'm scared to even go over to her house because of it. What should I do?

[tickle]

Tell us what he said. You may be making a mountain out of a molehill.

[Cat1864]

I have just looked over several of your past threads. This may seem harsh, especially to those who haven't read them, but you are at least 19/20 years old unless you have lied to us in the past.

You need to grow up emotionally. A friend's father made a comment that you deemed 'inappropriate' or did he do more than say something? All you had to do was politely explain to him that it was inappropriate and request he refrain from making such comments again. No need to involve your friend and definitely no need to involve your parents. You should be able to handle this without all the over-emotional reactions. If he tried to get physical that is a different matter, but that isn't what you say he did.

If you are uncomfortable going over there, don't go. Your friend should understand if you are that traumatized by this.

[superstar18]

Ok well what would you do if he asked you if you wanted to stay over and have him play with you? You don't think that's inappropriate? I walked out of the house freaked out. I gave him a weird look and went home. People react differently and I don't know what kind of person wouldn't be freaked out by that. I came here to get some help not to be dogged on.

[Wondergirl]

Maybe he wanted to play Scrabble.

Like Cat said, if you are as old as you say you are, you should have handled that on the spot without dragging in anyone else.

[superstar18]

Ok I'll just go with that then. Wow.

[Cat1864]

If it had been someone your own age, how would you have handled it?

You found it inappropriate. You should have handled it. While you may have been flustered when he said it, after you calmed down and thought through what you could have said, you should have explained to him that you found it objectionable. It doesn't sound like a threat or like he was going to pounce on you. You are over the age of majority and can turn down or accept an offer as you choose. You do not have to turn it into more than it was.

It is your behavior of allowing this comment to take over your life and thought process that is more damaging than his ill attempt at humor or a pick up line. You can either allow this to consume you and affect your work and school or you can chalk it up to him being a dirty old man and letting it go.

I know this seems harsh, but you are not a child or a teen. You are in the eyes of society a grown woman. Males will say inappropriate things. Sometimes it will be the males you least suspect or want to who say outlandish things. You have to learn how to handle it without freaking out. It is a part of being a woman.

[smoothy]

If you are as old as you say... then you are legally an adult... then another adult asking such things isn't "inappropriate"... it might very well be unwelcome, or unwanted... but you deal with it then like an adult and say thanks but no thanks in a nice way.

As was mentioned... your reaction is one a child would have... and if you were a child then it would have been inappropriate for that reason. Age differences doesn't make it "inappropriate" as long as you are both over 18. Unless it was your boss.

[superstar18]

There isn't a right or wrong way to handle this. People react differently and I have been in a situation sort of like this so I was freaked out. This guy is married I don't think it's appropriate to say something like that at all. It's not right. So you wouldn't be afraid if you were my age and a 50 something old man came up to you and said that? Hmmmm there must be something wrong if you don't think that's wrong. I was scared what else was I supposed to do he said it in a creepy way. Even if it was a person my age I still would be freaked out because that has happened to me before with a person my age.

[Wondergirl]

I was your age and cleaned house for a recent widower in his 60s. He wanted me to take a break from cleaning and "play." Before I walked out the door, I told him firmly and politely that he would have to find someone else to clean house for him. I've never regretted or second-guessed how I handled that.

[superstar18]

I'm just saying not everybody handles things that way. People react differently. I bet you were freaked out still. I gave him a weird look and said no and walked out. It was disturbing.

[Jake2008]

The first thing to realize is that you aren't imagining things. You felt uncomfortable, you felt uncomfortable because something said was inappropriate, and bothered you enough, that you left.

Trust your instinct. Had you been in a situation where you were unable to just leave and go home, what could have happened. What if you had been camping with this man and his family, and had nowhere to go.

In my opinion it is never the right thing to do, to brush of unwanted attention from a man and talk yourself into thinking it was 'nothing'. It was something to you, and that is what the whole point is.

Instinct is also probably telling you to stay clear of this man, and you should heed that warning. You do not have to justify your behavior- it is enough you are uncomfortable and don't want to be anywhere near him.

Why would he apologize through his daughter, and not you directly. I find that admission of guilt meaningless.

Assuming what you say is truthful, and I see no reason not to believe you, it is up to you to take steps in order to not be in a situation that could repeat itself. Have your friend go to your home, and stay away from hers.

I don't know why you haven't told your parents, but you should. I don't know how old you are, but if anything else were to happen, and he knows you are keeping this a secret, the first thing your parents or police would ask is, why didn't you tell someone, and why did you go back. (other than your friend)

Predators are abundant in our society, no matter how old you are. Secrets are kept, and the predatory behavior goes on.

I don't think he deserves a 'get out of jail free' card, but it is up to you to speak to your parents/police.

Otherwise, stay clear.

[superstar18]

Yeah I haven't gone back since then and I will tell my friend I don't feel comfortable going over their anymore. It's kind of hard because I'm going to be apart of a big family event of theirs and I'm pretty sure her dad is going to be apart of it. I'm going to tell my parents though about what happened. I have been so overprotected ever since this happened to me and I'm frightened by the situation. It's probably best that I do tell my parents but I don't think I should go to authorities yet unless he does it some more.

[smoothy]

What are you going to go to the authorities about anyway... you said you are a legal adult... he's an adult... its not a crime for someone you aren't interested in to ask you to sleep with them... or whatever it was they asked. And nothing you stated would remotely qualify as stalking.

Why does it look like you are 14 (when it would be far different) rather than someone as old as you have said you were?

There is a massive differnce between what's morally wrong, and legally wrong.

You said no and walked out? As you had every right to do... I fail to see how anything illegal happened. What exactly do you think you can go to the authorities about? I'm not defending anyone... I'm just saying how this looks and sounds based on what you have said.

[superstar18]

I said I wasn't going to the authorities unless it becomes worse like stalking. What if this happened to one of you children around my age? Would it be any different? I'm sure you would be concerned if it was your daughter? You would still want to protect her in anyway.

Is a 20 year old not supposed to be frightened or scared about this? Am I supposed to try and act like it never happened and go on with life thinking that it was just all a big nightmare? I don't think so. This is reality and I was frightened by it. I can't just sit around and act like it doesn't bother me when it does. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I shouldn't be terrified .

[J_9]

Are you always this melodramatic?

The man made a pass at you, he didn't attack you. I can understand feeling uncomfortable, but terrified? Considering contacting the authorities? Is you life always filled with such drama?

Simply telling him "I'm flattered, but I'm certain your wife wouldn't appreciate it" would have sufficed.

[Cat1864]

Is a 20 year old not supposed to be frightened or scared about this? Am I supposed to try and act like it never happened and go on with life thinking that it was just all a big nightmare? I don't think so. This is reality and I was frightened by it. I can't just sit around and act like it doesn't bother me when it does. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I shouldn't be terrified .

Why are you terrified? Did he say anything else? Try to touch you? Has he said anything in the past? Did he try to block your leaving?

Is there more that you haven't told us?

What bothers me is that you are turning yourself into a victim. You are turning him into a predator based on one incident that I don't know if it was serious or joking. I wasn't there and do not know what preceded his comment. If it was out of the blue or there was conversation that was playful and flirty. I don't know if the stress from work and school are affecting your judgment in other areas.

I do know that if you can't handle his comment and it scares you this much then you will have issues in all other areas of your life where you are on your own. You need to work through this and build up your self-confidence. If you allow this to continue to consume you, you will get to the point where you can't even walk down the street or into a store because you will be too afraid.

I know I probably seem harsh. But after reading how reacted with male who you like (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lp-793261.html ) and your work issues (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...lp-793029.html ), I think there is a lot more going on than this male making a pass.

[smoothy]

Is a 20 year old not supposed to be frightened or scared about this? Am I supposed to try and act like it never happened and go on with life thinking that it was just all a big nightmare? I don't think so. This is reality and I was frightened by it. I can't just sit around and act like it doesn't bother me when it does. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I shouldn't be terrified .

I agree with J_9... your reaction to this is not what one considers normal or average.

Do you freak out like this every time anyone makes a pass at you? So he asked you out? So what if he was married... believe it or not... this happens quite often, and its not always a married guy that's doing it... married women do to.

Exactly why would anyone that shows the slightest interest in you become a stalker? Are you aware of how rarely that actually happens? And when it does its always someone with an obsession... not most normal people that shows an interest.

It's a HUGE leap to make a mental connection with making a pass at you to an obsession to wanting to stalk you.

At 20 (which you again claim to be) you aren't a child... not in the eyes of any except your parents, not in the eyes of the law. Not to anyone else.

Cripes... if you REALLY are this disturbed by someone showing you a little interest... and aren't just being overly dramatic like a 16 year old girl tends to be... perhaps its time to get professional counseling because you really are not ready or equipped to be in the real world on your own yet, unlike most young adults your age. I was already graduated from college and living on my own over 200 miles from my parents when I was your age.

[J_9]

Is a 20 year old not supposed to be frightened or scared about this? Am I supposed to try and act like it never happened and go on with life thinking that it was just all a big nightmare? I don't think so. This is reality and I was frightened by it. I can't just sit around and act like it doesn't bother me when it does. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I shouldn't be terrified .

My daughter is a 20 year old who experienced something similar about 6 months ago. She wasn't terrified, frightened or scared. She came home and told her father and I about it. It's now a family joke.

[talaniman]

If you had been as assertive of yourself in dealing with this fellow as you defend your terror to the posters here, you would have no reason to be terrified. I cannot figure why you hold on to your terror for so long, let it go and stop being terrified. These events that scare you and stress you will continue to happen until YOU learn to deal with them and let them go and go about your business and DWELL on them no more. Then your terror will not control you and you can control yourself.

Simply put, you have to appropriately deal with your own feelings much better and not be carried away by them. In time you will. Takes experience to build confidence in yourself in the real world. Its an adjustment we all make when we transition from being a child in a protected world to the adult world of real people and strangers, and the strange things they do.

Stop terrifying yourself.