[Fr_Chuck]

I have to agree, if you are 19 and this is the first time a man has just asked you for sex ( assuming that is what he asked for) you need to grow up. This may just be someone you just meet. My exwife has someone ask her about twice a year.

If you are 13, then you should be freaked out.

[superstar18]

It is the first time an older man has asked me and it's not someone I just met I said it was my friends dad. Things have happened to me in the past and so now I'm more aware. If you all were my age then maybe you would understand but you guys are probably older. So if that happened to you, you would still want to go over to your friends house still? And tell me how I need to grow up just because a man asked me to have sex? That has nothing to deal with it. You guys weren't their so you really don't know. I was just asking for advice on what I should do. I didn't write this to be dogged on. There was only one person who gave me good advice on here.

[superstar18]

And it doesn't matter what age I am anybody could be freaked out by this situation. It's a scary world we live in and you never know if a person will just go psycho. I even know a lady in her 70's who that happened to and she was still scared that's why she is more protective. Age doesn't matter. So really it's nothing to joke about.

[Cat1864]

I am not 'dogging' on you. I want you to be a strong and independent female. I don't want you to think that every shadow holds a threat.

It is your choice. You can be a victim and let your life fall apart or you can learn to deal with the fear.

This isn't about him and the inappropriate proposition. It is about the way you are allowing it to take over your life.

By your own admission you haven't been back since this occurred. You have stayed away. You have talked to your friend. She has talked to her father. Supposedly, he has apologized. You haven't said if it was through her or if he contacted you. You are still acting like he tried to rape you and that he will pounce on you if you are within arms reach. You are giving this more importance that it deserves.

Yes, you felt uncomfortable. I don't think you were as terrified in the moment as you think you were. I think you have sat and thought about it and allowed yourself to build up the negative feelings. You are creating the monster in your own mind. You can get rid of it or you can keep feeding it.

[Jake2008]

I have read your other posts, and it seems there is a pattern here, to you being a victim.

Also, I thought you were much younger.

There is a pattern here, put simply, that you have created (by being a victim), where you don't get ahead, you don't find happiness anywhere. Your boss, your past relationships, you feeling you need justice (union involvement), not getting the grades you expect because of the way other people in your life control you, and keep you down.

There is fault upon fault upon fault, that you find in others, and blame others, for you being in this vortex of failure. And you expect to fail, therefore you do.

I think you are around 20 years old? Which puts the 'uncomfortable' situation you found yourself in with your friend's dad in a different light.

It seems you have not learned from past experiences, how to protect yourself. I'm not saying you did the wrong thing by speaking to your friend, and staying away from your friends father. I'm saying that you should have put your big girl panties on, and told this man yourself, that you didn't appreciate what he said, yourself. At your age (to me you sounded around 14), you should have been able to handle it.

But again, you were the victim, and you are 'suffering' consequences of another person's actions.

I don't know if you can see this pattern yourself. Maybe if you were able to even go through your own history of posts here, and make points about how other's have done you wrong, and see if you can't figure out WHY you continue to repeat the victim pattern, and then take that knowledge, and learn how to take responsibility for changing.

Have you ever been in counseling? I think that would be helpful to help you identify how it is you see yourself in the world, and how you see everybody else as being responsible for the situation you seem to always end up in, which is wanting a quick fix to make your life better. And that would be better, without doing the work yourself, to make it better.

I think you also create problems, in order to feed the need you have, to live the life you live. While being a victim, you can set your expectations so low you'll never achieve them, you can excuse away your own behviour, as being caused by somebody else, and your life gets full of half-truths, over-reactions and dangerous accusations against others, that don't warrant them.

You can't just put a bandage on your problem of the day, and expect that the next problem won't happen. I don't see that you deal with adversity or disappointment or your own short-comings very well, and that is what is keeping you spinning in this uncomfortable place you are in emotionally.

Please consider getting help.

You need help in identifying your problems, which are caused by the way you react to your problems. And then you need to learn, how to better deal with life, so that you aren't here posting again about a crisis, which wasn't a crisis at all.

[smoothy]

Seek professional help... you are freaking out over absolutely nothing... if you can't handle someone showing you the slightest bit of interest ( you don't get to choose who might might show an interest, you only get to choose if you take them up on the offer)... how are you going to be able to cope with everything life is going to throw at you when you have to move out of your parents house?

An alternative... is become a nun and except for the odd priest or lesbian nun thats not following their vow of abstinance... nobody will approach you in that way if its so hard to deal with.

[superstar18]

No he didn't come up to me and apologize he did it through my friend. And this doesn't have to deal with anything about my older posts. Those are all done with and I have learned from them and moved on. You learn from experience. Not everyone has the answers right away. I didn't know what to say at the time it happened so quick and I was about to leave before he came up to me. And the situation was scary I called my friend right after and I was very upset about it. People deal with things differently not everyone is like you. I don't know somebody who wouldn't be freaked out by this kind of situation.

[smoothy]

Why should he appologize for asking you something you weren't interested in? He has no such obligation... he didn't spill something on you.

Sorry... but MOST people are like me when it comes to this... I know LOTS of people... I'm 53, I can say I've known thousands of people very well over my life so far (meaning not just casually)... I've even known more than a few disturbed people too... and NONE of them were ever freaked out just because someone actually had the nerve to show some interest in them... I mean how dare they... people should never show interst in another. (I'm being sarcastic there).

If people didn't show others some interest.. the human race would have died out eons ago.

If you know ANY (much less LOTS of) other people who get freaked out by that... you really, really need to start hanging out with different people.

If you can't see a problem with how you are reacting and refuse to get counseling about it... you are going to have a very sad and lonely life ahead of you.

[superstar18]

Ok well showing interest to someone who is 30 or so years younger then them is gross and pathetic. And people who think that way are disturbing. And no I'm not I'll find someone my own age thank you very much. That's just wrong. I think I really don't need to change my friends maybe you need to change your attitude before judging me. I didn't come on here for people like you to be rude to me I came on here again for advice. Clearly you didn't understand my question.

[Wondergirl]

Ok well showing interest to someone who is 30 or so years younger then them is gross and pathetic. And people who think that way are disturbing.

Read some history books. This is what men have been doing for ages, looking at females years (decades!) younger than they are -- to flirt with, to romance, to marry. It's still being done as a regular, accepted thing in many countries.

maybe you need to change your attitude before judging me.

You're being judged on what you have written.

I didn't come on here for people like you to be rude to me I came on here again for advice.

No one has been rude (except for you). And you have gotten scads of good advice. If you truly are 20 and a halfway-decent-looking woman, realize that men are going to hit on you for the rest of your life, even when you're 85 (and older). Get used to it and figure out how to respond and how to walk away.

[smoothy]

Ok well showing interest to someone who is 30 or so years younger then them is gross and pathetic. And people who think that way are disturbing. And no I'm not I'll find someone my own age thank you very much. That's just wrong. I think I really don't need to change my friends maybe you need to change your attitude before judging me. I didn't come on here for people like you to be rude to me I came on here again for advice. Clearly you didn't understand my question.

Nobody has been rude... except you. YOU asked us what we think... we told you want we think. You apparently for some reason think you are the only person that's right about anything... sorry but that's just wrong and we are trying to get you to see it too.

Its your life... We will not lose any sleep over this... but until you listen to what we are telling you... its obvious you are going to.

And as Wondergirl has said... while YOU don't see it, its really not at all that unusual for there to be more than a few years gap between ages... if you try and argue its not... Look at Jennifer Lopez, Demi Moore, And Madonna as three very high profile fairly recent cases where there is a significant age differnce... then you have Anna Nicole Smith, where both are now deceased... and the list goes on and on. And its been happening throughout recorded history.

You don't have to agree its for you, I don't believe it would be for me either, but its not something to get "freaked out " over. Being "freaked out" is an unreasonable over the top reaction... not unlike someone freaking out if someone wore white shoes after labor day, wore red to a funeral... or many, many other examples.

If you are just looking for people to agree with you (then you are looking in the wrong place)... if you wanted honest opinions, then you came to the right place and we gave them to you.

You need the attitude change... and when you ask these questions, act in the manner you have... then we have every reason and every right to "judge you" as you say.

Exactly what right to you have to tell ANYONE else that THEY need to change THEIR attitude... then you get condescending and rude... then you blame everyone else for being rude when all they did was give you matter of fact advice? That if I'm not mistaking, YOU came here asking for.

Seriously... if you really want to be miserable and overreact to everything... I hope you succeed at it. Speaking as someone who manages to get along quite well will all sorts of people every day, you will find it hard to maintain friendships, and even keep your job. You are an adult now... not a child... and you alone are responsible for your actions (or in this case OVER reactions). Not everyone else.

You apparently don't see it yet....or just don't want to....but we are trying to get you to see things the way MOST people see them.

[superstar18]

Ok telling me I need to change friends, saying I need to grow up, saying I need help you don't think that's rude at all? Hmmm I think it is and I didn't say anything rude at all. Yes you have been rude. Maybe if you used better wording than maybe it wouldn't sound so rude. And those are actors your comparing this too. And it's not a "few" years apart it's way more than that. And I'm not a freaked out as I was before. And it's not an over the top reaction. There are people out in this world that threaten people, rape, and kill. Not saying that he would do any of that but you have to think about the what ifs. My friend is even more understanding and that's her dad. You weren't their so you can't judge the situation. And if your not going to lose any sleep over this then why are you commenting on here and trying to prove a point? And your not giving advice at all you are just dogging at me and your just trying to prove something which clearly you aren't proving anything. Only one person gave me helpful adivice and that was jake and I appreciated it from him because it was actually helpful.

And saying I'm going to have a sad and lonely life that's rude as well. Oh well I'm done "arguing" with you everyone else I talked to in person sees as it is something wrongful. I just wanted to get some more advice but clearly it's not working.

[talaniman]

That's the beauty of forums like this, you can go back and reread all the opinions and suggestion and follow the one you think is best. Like you said, everybody handles things differently.

[smoothy]

Ok telling me I need to change friends, saying I need to grow up, saying I need help you don't think that's rude at all? Hmmm I think it is and I didn't say anything rude at all. Yes you have been rude. Maybe if you used better wording than maybe it wouldn't sound so rude. And those are actors your comparing this too. And it's not a "few" years apart it's way more than that. And I'm not a freaked out as I was before. And it's not an over the top reaction. There are people out in this world that threaten people, rape, and kill. Not saying that he would do any of that but you have to think about the what ifs. My friend is even more understanding and that's her dad. You weren't their so you can't judge the situation. And if your not going to lose any sleep over this then why are you commenting on here and trying to prove a point? And your not giving advice at all you are just dogging at me and your just trying to prove something which clearly you aren't proving anything. Only one person gave me helpful adivice and that was jake and I appreciated it from him because it was actually helpful.

And saying I'm going to have a sad and lonely life that's rude as well. Oh well I'm done "arguing" with you everyone else I talked to in person sees as it is something wrongful. I just wanted to get some more advice but clearly it's not working.

It may fail to register with you......actors are real people too....they have real lives beyond what most will see, they just happen to be a lot bettter known than the average person, They aren't the characters in their films or shows you know them by.

Be happy wallowing in your misery, now and in the future... there will come a time you will see you are wrong, and you will have wasted all the time before then.

Your problem is your own arrogance and refusal to accept the fact in you vast life experience living under your parents roof on their dime... that you are wrong. But you will learn otherwise soon enough. Most teens think they have all the answers, before they actually have to support themselves. THey all learn the realities of life soon enough.

I suppose all these other people that agree with your also live with their parents and have as much real life experience as you do? Well, that's another lesson you will have to learn the hard way... listening to the wrong people will get you in a world of trouble.

Some people have to learn things the hard way... and you are apparently one of them. But don't fear... I'm not going to lose a minutes sleep, nor is anyone else here going to... in fact, I know what you have coming ahead... and well... don't say nobody ever told you so.

You have to live with the consequences of your decisions... as bad as they might be.

Just don't go around blaming everyone else for them when it happens. It was your choice and as an adult... you insisted on them despite advice to the contrary, so now you own the results of the choices you make, good or bad.

If you didn't want to listen to anyones advice...why did you bother asking anyone else for it and then arguing about how they are wrong....and you are right.


Hate to tell you..but .NOBODY your age group has it all figured out.....they only think they do. Everyone more than a few years older than you are will tell you this because everyone learns this for themselves. If they are lucky they don't make any mistakes that will follow them the rest of their lives. There isn't a person here except you...that will disagree with that. Because we've all lived through it.

[Cat1864]

Ok telling me I need to change friends, saying I need to grow up, saying I need help you don't think that's rude at all? Hmmm I think it is and I didn't say anything rude at all. Yes you have been rude. Maybe if you used better wording than maybe it wouldn't sound so rude. And those are actors your comparing this too. And it's not a "few" years apart it's way more than that. And I'm not a freaked out as I was before. And it's not an over the top reaction. There are people out in this world that threaten people, rape, and kill. Not saying that he would do any of that but you have to think about the what ifs. My friend is even more understanding and that's her dad. You weren't their so you can't judge the situation. And if your not going to lose any sleep over this then why are you commenting on here and trying to prove a point? And your not giving advice at all you are just dogging at me and your just trying to prove something which clearly you aren't proving anything. Only one person gave me helpful adivice and that was jake and I appreciated it from him because it was actually helpful.

Jake is female. Did you read all of her advice?

Yes, you are saying that is what you think he would do. Your allowing this one incident to affect your life to the extent it has shows that on some level you think this man will attack you. You are building 'what-ifs' up into a monster.

I don't know how understanding your friend was/is about this. But she knows you and probably knows how to handle your moods (everyone has moods, both up and down, and good friends learn how to handle them.) She knows her father and if she was comfortable talking to him about this incident then he isn't the monster you want to turn him into. Does your friend know how much of a monster you still think her father is or does she think the situation has ben resolved?

There are enough real monsters in the world that you do not need to make another one. You need to learn how to deal with the monsters you are creating. If that is rude to you then so be it.

You can complain to your parents, get them worked up enough to demand you never see your close friend and allow them to 'protect' you from the big bad world. But you will be back asking why your parents won't allow you to date and why they don't trust you to make decisions about your life. Is that what you want?

As a mother of a daughter about your age, I am going to say that I have tried to raise her to be able to handle her issues. I know that I will not always be around to slay the monsters for her. I am there if she needs me or wants to talk, but it is her life to live. Do I worry about her? Of course, I am a mother. What-ifs are everywhere. Some are positive, some aren't. I have tried to teach her that being aware of them does not mean she has to let them control her life. Take precautions where needed and be prepared. That is what I want for you. What do you want for yourself?

[superstar18]

I haven't even told my parents I was thinking about it but now I'm not going to. Actually some of the people I have told don't live with their parents they are much older. And yes I was worked up for a little bit I don't know who wouldn't be but I am better now. It's not like I'm hiding out in my room terrified if that's what you guys think I'm doing. I'm still going on with my life. And smoothy you really don't have to be so rude. Also you can't predict the future unless you're a psychic which you probably think you are because you seem to know everything.

I don't think god would think it's right what he did smoothy. So how am I in the wrong?

[Wondergirl]

I don't think god would think it's right what he did smoothy. So how am I in the wrong?

We still don't know what he said and did. Maybe he figured, since you're an adult and he knows you (??), he could get away with some flirting or teasing. Or had he never seen you before this?

[talaniman]

Most of the responders here are 50/60 years old and have seen much, done much, and been through much. We understand your shock, and inexperience dealing with it, so just curious what you want done about it, and what do you think you should do now?

Surely you have some ideas about what you should do next. How will you handle yourself next time with others, not just this particular fellow. Have you learned from this incident as your shock ad terror dies down?

[smoothy]

I haven't even told my parents I was thinking about it but now I'm not going to. Actually some of the people I have told don't live with their parents they are much older. And yes I was worked up for a little bit I don't know who wouldn't be but I am better now. It's not like I'm hiding out in my room terrified if that's what you guys think I'm doing. I'm still going on with my life. And smoothy you really don't have to be so rude. Also you can't predict the future unless you're a psychic which you probably think you are because you seem to know everything.

I don't think god would think it's right what he did smoothy. So how am I in the wrong?

Try telling us what he said... leave out any names so we can get a better idea then.

I'm not psychic... I've got a LOT of experience with people. I've lived and worked and have property in countries on two opposite sides of the Atlantic... My inlaws are in a different country than where I reside with my wife... I've spent over 25 years working with people in 95% of the countries on the planet at one time or other. And I speak 4 languages.

I know people... I know the people of quite a number of different cultures quite well.

I haven't lived with my parents since I graduated college 33 years ago.

SO you see... I am not someone who doesn't have a clue about people, or what many, many other people think. I an offering you the benefit of my experience much of which I have earned long, long before forums like this ever existed.

All all the people in all the coutries I have known over all of those years... not ONE of them reacts like you do... and I seriously doubt you really know anyone else that thinks that way much less many of them.

But as I've said... its your choice to make... ignore what we are trying to tell you to save yourself a lot of future grief... or learn the hard way for yourself.

After all, you will be living with the results of your mistakes... we were only trying to keep you from making some that are easily avoided.

And I hate to tell you... but other members of your peer group really don't have very much figured out for themselves yet because they really don't have the life experience yet to understand the long term results of actions and choices they make, they only THINK they do. We've all been there...thats how we know this to be a fact.

And every choice you make, good or bad... will affect the options avilible to you for the rest of your life. Make a wrong one now and you really will pay for it for many, many years... There isn't one other poster in this thread that will disagree with me there. We've all been through it, we've all learned that lesson a long time ago.

And yes... we actually can predict the future sometimes with great accuracy... people that have certain traits, and make certain mistakes always do things that limit their options in life. It really is predictible. We've been watching people for two and some cases three times the amount of time you've been alive so far. You've been out of high school how long now? Maybe two years... you haven't experienced the real world yet. You haven't lived with the reality if you say the rwrong thing to a boss or customer you could be fired... if you get fired you don't have money for the rent, if you can't pay the rent you get evicted, same with food, don't have money you don't eat, don't pay your utility bills they get turned off.

We aren't talking some drunk, mentally ill person or drug addict on the street that walked up to you and did this... it was someone you know, You know their family.. you know where they live... there is no real danger there... and you've never presented any evidence there ever would be.

If it was random weird person on the street, at night that walked up then, Ok, that would be a good reason to be afraid... but not the situation as you explained it.

[smearcase]

" I came here to get some help not to be dogged on."

I don't see any "dogging " going on here. If Cat hadn't done appropriate research, this post could be 4 pages long by now with legitimately concerned members here, trying to help what they thought was a very young lady, in a very bad situation.
If it happened exactly as you say and if you took his words the way the words seem to imply, he is a leech. Don't go there any more. Meet with your friend in different locations. She certainly shouldn't have any doubts about why it has to be that way.