[faithinmyself]

I have been married for a long time. My marriage has been OK but after 20 years I feel I missed out on life and have settled and now I want out. After telling him I want a divorce he is being so nice and trying so hard to do more of what I want. But I feel it is to late and he tells me everyday he loves me etc... Couldn't live without me... ect... I feel so bad I'm not sure how to tell him I'm leaving. He wants me to reassure him everyday and tell him I love him. It's easy and just word so I tell him because I feel so bad for him. Then he is also worried about himself when I asked for the divorce he states he knows I get half of everything and he would have to sell the house etc. And he has no where to go. I know I should leave and be happy but it is hard when I know he is trying everything he can to have me stay. Please tell me what to do... I have thought of a divorce almost 2 years now. Guilt has set in... Thanks

[RubyPitbull]

We can tell you what to do, but ultimately, you will do what you want to do.

However, I can give you my opinion. Find a good divorce attorney and speak with him/her.

Guilt is not a reason to stay in a relationship. If you are unhappy, get out. Do not let him manipulate you, which it appears he is doing. Thus, your guilt. Okay, maybe he does love you as much as he states. What does that mean? Without change, without trying to effectively figure out a way together, what will save your marriage and make you happy in it, love is never enough. If you are saying "I love you" to him and not feeling it, stop saying it. Not being truthful is much more damaging then allowing him to believe that you still have these feelings for him.

Do you want to save your marriage?

If you have no interest, get out of it and stop emotionally torturing yourselves by hanging in this limbo you both have created.

If you want to make a go of it, seek out a marriage counselor for help in finding a constructive way to communicate with each other to save your marriage.

[RubyPitbull]

I need to add something here faith and I am doing it this way, rather than editing my post because I want you to get another notice that someone has responded.

I just read your previous posting from the other day, which I did not see when I responded to this one. I am very sorry about your father's illness. From reading both postings of yours, I can see that you are terribly unhappy and quite miserable. I do not know where you live so I cannot provide an easy link for you. So, I am going to give you some constructive advice here and I hope you will consider doing this. The pressure of your father's illness and the fact that you feel trapped in your marriage, is doing a major tap dance on your emotional health and well being. You need to be proactive here instead of "treading water" and remaining trapped in the confusion of your life.

Please take a look at your regional yellow pages directory. In the front of the directory there should be a listing called "Helpful numbers" or something to that effect. There should be multiple listings for Family Support Services. Take a look through everything and find the counseling centers. Please call them. Tell them what is going on and ask if there is someone there that you can make an appointment to see. Forget about your husband right now. YOU need to seek the advice of an objective 3rd party, for yourself right now. A counselor will help you to think things through and figure out how to make the break you are so desperately in search of. They will help you find the strength within yourself to start reclaiming your life back.

You need to stop allowing your husband to manipulate you into doing solely what he wants. You need to do what YOU want. You need to start placing YOUR OWN needs ahead of anyone else's right now. Please, please, please, carefully consider what I am saying here.

[LadyLuck1269]

26 Years is a long time to give up without going to Marriage Counseling or talking with a Professtional of some kind.With all these other problems you are having you might get out into the world and find out, it was not him that was making you so unhappy. Let me ask you this, what have you done to try to make yourself happy outside your marriage and family? It just sounds to me like you have given yourself to your family all your life and might have forgotten who YOU really are. And if you really just want to leave, and that is the only thing that will make you happy, then you've got to tell him. And if you fear for your life or something like that, then write him a letter and just go.

[Fr_Chuck]

I would strongly suggest marriage counseling also, and at the end, if it is not working, both will see that it is not, and know that everyone tried.

Often we get caught up in life, and start to only look at the bad and never think of the good that happens. And the old "grass is always greener" and TV gives us such false ideas of what to expect out of life.

[talaniman]

You really should seek help in working out your personal issues. I think you've gone to long without the support and guidance you need.

[Guest32]

Have not read the other posting, just responding to: "I have been married for a long time. My marriage has been ok but after 20 years I feel I missed out on life and have settled and now I want out. After telling him I want a divorce he is being so nice and trying so hard to do more of what I want. But I feel it is to late and he tells me everyday he loves me ect.......Couldn't live without me....ect........I feel so bad I'm not sure how to tell him I'm leaving. He wants me to reassure him everyday and tell him I love him. It's easy and just word so I tell him because I feel so bad for him. Then he is also worried about himself when I asked for the divorce he states he knows I get half of everything and he would have to sell the house ect. And he has no where to go. I know I should leave and be happy but it is hard when I know he is trying everything he can to have me stay. Please tell me what to do.....I have thought of a divorce almost 2 years now. Guilt has set in.....Thanks"

I disagree with anyone, esp. one not having ALL the details a professional would need to effectively help people, telling one person in a marriage to place their needs ahead of their partner's, to do what they want and need without consideration of the person they made a lifelong commitment to.

Yes, there are times when equilibrium is so off for one person that it may be necessary to immediately place a lot of focus on personal issues -- but not to the exclusion of your spouse. Sorry if guilt is uncomfortable, but you have been married for 20 years and you did make a commitment to him, and it is up you to take care of yourself to be able to be a full partner, and to seek unbiased third party help to do what it takes to take care of yourself and try to do everything you can to be happy within the marriage, to find ways with your spouse to make it work, to make it healthier. Your spouse has the same responsibility. A third party seems absolutely necessary here, both with marriage counselling, and very much with personal counselling.

Not telling you to subjugate yourself to someone else's needs: you need to be happy.

I just get the sense that you need to deal with some very difficult personal issues, and you could benefit from perspective that's difficult to get where you are right now, and in response you have unilaterally decided to discard your marriage as a means to an end. In the end maybe it will have led to more satisfaction with life, or maybe less (and possibly much, much less), but you can't know now and if there are other issues you are dealing with you especially need to deal with them, and get some perspective, so you can make the best possible decision now. I REALLY think before going any further down that mental/emotional -- and legal road (of accepting divorce as a possible sol'n.), which builds upon itself, you REALLY, REALLY need to see a marriage counsellor and speak to someone individually. Not just out of guilt, to be fair to your spouse (and not done in any degree of a superficial way to assuage guilt), BUT VERY, VERY MUCH FOR YOU (done with brutal honesty).

Maybe temporary separation (without mentally closing the door on the marriage just yet -- keeping that option open and focusing on the other issues in your life), with the specific goal of dealing with your own stuff, might help.

Maybe you were hoping for messages supporting what brings you the most comfort right now, but if you are looking for someone else's experience and opinion, I have to say: get counselling.

Counselling is worth the financial sacrifice and investment in your well being if you can possibly do it. Sliding scale or free counselling might be obtained through organizations like Catholic Charities (they hire non-Catholics and don't push their religion, I know someone who worked for them) if money is a problem.