[CarolinaP81]

My fiancé 35 and I 33 have sex once a month if I'm lucky it's twice. This has been going on for 6 months now. We are saving for our wedding in 6 months. I spoke to him three times already telling him I felt hurt and that I didn't feel sexually desired by him and he first told me he felt tired/stressed/pressured to have sex. The second time I brought it up to him and said you have to be watching porn and jerking off because it can't be that you're stressed tired to not jerk off. He said that he felt pressured like sex was a job that he felt turned off because of the pressure I gave him. I said we can watch porn together, he said no. I have not said anything to pressure him for about a month now. And nothing.

This morning he woke up earlier than usual and I woke up as well. I stayed in bed he went to the bathroom. I hear a girl moan and he pushed the door closed. He was def watching porn. So I said "hey you okay in there" he said "yeah I'm okay" he came out of the bathroom asked me what was wrong. I said Joseph we haven't had sex and I hear a girl moan?? I'm right here! We could've had sex? He flipped out said that I stress him out that he was watching a movie on Netflix. I do not believe him. He said that it's always something with me and left angry.

I don't understand what's going on. I'm scared that this is what it's going to be married?? How do I stop pressuring him I'm not even sure what I'm doing wrong!

[smoothy]

He's upset about some stuff... and its not about what you are assuming. Him not wanting sex with you is what results from the anger he has about something... It could be alost anything... so its impossible to venture a guess.

And guys just like women... don't respond positively if they are made to feel like they are being forced into having sex. Its all about presentation and do it in a confrontational way... its a HUGE mood killer...


You could simplly lay there if you REALLY weren't in the mood... and he could do it... but you certainly would not enjoy it for very good reason... but tick him off enough... the last thing that's going to happen is an erection... and its mechanically impossible for him to have intercourse with you if he doesn't have an erection. Popcicle sticks and duct tape might result in splinters if you see the point..

So... I'm betting there is a lot of other stuff going on the rest of the time... along the lines of, do this, do that, get off the couch and do that... possibly toss in a lot of complaining about (fill in the blank) and you have a guy that's going to emotionally shut down.


If he's learned to ignore it well enough... he might not get upset enough to pack his bags and leave... or tell you its over and tell you to leave.

Basically... those are just possible reasons based on reading between the lines... and I believe you haven't even begun to scratch the tip of the iceberg yet... because you are focused on the wrong thing and the wrong causes.


Nag a guy long enough and masturbation can quickly become the more favorable means of release.

Don't take any of that personally... its meant to get you thinking... and maybe see something you have been missing. Since apparently he's either not told you, or you haven't heard him when he did.

If you both can't communicate better... and comunicating isn't this tit for tat stuff... but actually talking... then getting married is a huge mistake.

[CarolinaP81]

Thank you so much for your advice. I appreciate it. I'm just wondering what I should do? Keep myself busy so I don't "pressure" him. I don't ask him to do much around the house. I bought a dresser 2 weeks ago he still didn't build it I asked once and don't nah. They only thing I have spoken to him about is sex. Should I never bring it up? It's crazy to me. But I try to see it from his perspective and I just don't get it.

[smoothy]

One time when he's not upset about anything, pick the moment carefully... if you can ask him, and it IS very important HOW you ask... ask himif anything has been bothering him lately. Do not be confrontational, or you put him on the defensive and lose the chance of him being honest.

Try not bringing up sex specifically because that appears to already be a sore spot that might trigger putting him on the defensive. Dodge around that topic... maybe he might be a bit more forthcoming. A lot of guys will bottle things up... rather than openly complaining about them. Its just what is considered masculine to many guys....you quietly deal with it and tough it out.

I think this really isn't about sex... but there might be one thing or a combination of things in play here.

[CravenMorhead]

I am of two minds about this, but I need to get some facts before I go much farther. You're engaged, I got that, but how long have you two been together? What is your intimacy like outside the bedroom? Hugging? Kissing? Casual stuff you don't really notice.

I agree with Smoothy on two points, one that there is something here going on and it probably isn't the sex, and second that the only way to truly figure it out is to talk with him. Since sex is sort of the taboo and not talked about part of a relationship, as well as being the most intimate connection between two people, it is often the place where some things can go wrong first. If there is something that is royally angering you, it could affect your desire to have sex with the person. There will be other tell tail signs about this too. You said that this started about six months back? Was there a specific incident that stands out that could have caused some ill feelings? It could be a death in the family, it could be a slight, or anything like that? The best way to find this out if something doesn't pop to mind is to talk to him. Non confrontational and just ask him what's going on outside the bedroom.

The other thought I had is that he's checked out of the relationship. I get the feeling that he's subtly trying to get you to end the relationship with you. I am not sure that he knows this or not. Every relationship has a half life, whether it is a friendship, romance, or true love. Kind of like a jug of milk a relationship will sour and need to be gotten rid of and for the same reasons. He could have checked out and if that's the fact than there is precious little you can do about it. I get this feeling because of the way he's turning the lack of intimacy back at you by telling you it is stressing him out and it seems like a chore.

This also brings another thought, how is he physically? Does he smoke a lot? Substance abuse? Drugs? Alcohol? The reason I ask this is that he could be suffering from a ED or reduce libido. That kind of stuff doesn't really affect masturbation but will affect intimate encounters. If you can't get it up you'll feel embarrassed and weak and really won't want to continue and might even stop. That could be an option but it is a long shot.

Don't expect him to be open with his porn consumption. We all do it, but we would rather think that you don't know about it. I know how hurtful it can bee when you think about it, why doesn't he use you as a C*M-dumpster instead of his red right hand? It is a personal moment to himself where he can take care of business without being concerned with another person. There is a lot of overhead to intimate encounter and it is worth every minute but when you got to clear the tubes, you don't want that.

In the end you need to figure this out and lay it all out on the line. Remember to do what is good for you and sex isn't a bad reason to leave a relationship. Intimacy is part of a healthy relationship and it is missed when it is gone.

Good luck

[CarolinaP81]

Thank you Craven Morhead. I appreciate you taking your time to help me. To answer your questions: we have been together for 4.5 years now. Just about 2-3 days we were cuddling in bed and he said "I love you so much more then you'll ever know. Well always be together" and he is romantic like that. We always kiss, cuddle in bed every night, hold hands, he slaps my butt, calls me sexy/beautiful/pretty. And I reciprocate I call him smart/handsome/hot/sexy. We flirt w each other. We go on dinner dates.
About six months ago two significant things happened: his grandma fell down the stairs was in the hospital for a few days but thank God she didn't break anything. His mom made him feel guilty for not staying with them and helping out (we live together about 20 minutes from his mom) the other thing was that on Instagram he began to follow a bikini model and I felt uncomfortable w it and told him so. He got angry and said that married men and men in general followed bikini models. It was a huge fight. I told him that there was so much skin/naked/porn girls online that he didn't need to specifically follow a random Bikini model (I felt insecure because around that time sex started dwindling and my insecurities made me feel not good enough and I'm no bikini model and it hurt me. He does not drink or do drugs. However, he has a torn rotated cuff, his back hurts and his foot hurts therefore making him feel depressed he says he is always feeling tired. But what bothered me is that he is on a softball team and on a basketball team one day before his game I tried to give him a blowjob and he said "babe my back and I have to focus for the game" it made me feels so bad- because his back hurts yet he is going to play and I was trying to please him. I did also make a comment I said I'll make you right you would've came right. And he got upset about that. It's like I cannot say anything about sex. Last week we had sex- I was tired I didn't tell him that but I had sex w him and I enjoyed it and so did he. I don't understand. I know he is not happy w me because I bring up the sex topic and prob make him feel like less of a man but I want to help and see what we can do to right this but maybe I'm just pushing him away I don't know I really don't know

[smoothy]

You do realize the bikini model on instagram could literally be anywhere in the world... and is unlikely to be in your town. That was really a very bad reason to instigate a fight. Insecurities are your issue to deal with... making him jump through hoops doesn't change it.

Do you watch movies with actors like George Clooney, Brad Pitt, (fill in your favorite)? That's really no different at all.

I've had a partially torn rotator cuff (about 50% cut from a bone spur)... let me tell you that was one of the most intense pains I have experienced. and I've got a 12 inch surgical scare on my leg that had hundreds of sutures and over 14 staples, THAT was pretty close post op. WITHOUT pain medications that I couldn't tollerate due to side effects. Feels like someone stuck a hot knife in your back between the shoulder blabes. Almost takes your breath away. If it was all the way torn... he wouldn't be playng basketball at all, let me tell you. I was in agony much of the time until mine was operated on several days later. So somethng is a bit fishy with the my back aches and yet he's still playing basketball story. Same deal with the foot hurts thing... the moves in basketball is runnig jumping and a lot of abrupt direction changes. All very hard to do if you have foot pain.

I was willing to withhold the part of thinking he might not be happy with the relationship and is looking for a way to make you walk out at first, but it was always an option I saw... but the more you say... the more I think it might be possible. I'm not completely sold on it yet... but I'm not convinced its not the case either.


Now I do understand people respond differently to pain....but i've got a VERY high threshold for it ( one of the reasons most pain meds are useless for me)...and it was still that bad. And I'd have to believe his was far more minor than mine because its debilitating.

[Jake2008]

I think enough time has passed, that you can conclude that there is a problem with intimacy.

Communication is about needs and wants, and sometimes one partner or the other, blames the other for their lack of talking about the actual problem.

To say he is pressured and that is causing his disinterest in sex with you, doesn't add up when he prefers porn. It also doesn't add up when his excuse is physical problems, because he plays baseball and softball.

Consider what is going on now, as more than just the lack of sex. It is the lack of him communicating with you, despite you making attempts to communicate with him. Arguing is a perfectly legitimate way to communicate, if there is both talking and listening- not accusing and demanding.

If porn, or porn addiction, or bikini models is his preference, consider that too. Some women don't mind their boyfriends/husbands having these needs, and finding ways to satisfy them, but when a partner is negatively affected by those activities, that too, needs to be talked about. Particularly when there is no direct sex, with you.

Please consider couples counseling. In my opinion, you need to learn more about this man before you marry him.

[smearcase]

Postpone the wedding for 6 months and see where you are at the next step before making a decision about the future. Something is definitely wrong. You do not have a normal relationship by most definitions. If you think it is bad now, wait until you are locked into it by marriage. If you just continue on with your present plans, without becoming more satisfied with your proposed mate, you will look back for the rest of your life, regretting your decision to just hope for the best and expecting conditions to change. Good luck to you both.

[talaniman]

Lack of sex in your relationship, and the conflicts it causes, is but a symptom of a greater problem in the relationship. I understand your frustration at rejection, and being hurt by it, and lets be clear, many bedrooms are disrupted by illness, and injury, for extended periods. Resentments build and maybe your problem is he doesn't tell you what's on his mind, nor seem to want too. This happen more than you know and solid couples work through it. How, by knowing when to press, and knowing when not too, and HOW.

Your challenge at this time is to reconnect your minds and resolve the issues, known or unknown in a calm manner that works for you both. Lack of sex isn't the problem, it's the results of the problem not being identified or addressed. Honest communications has been lacking for whatever reason. Don't talk about lack of sex, talk about lack of honest communications. No its NOT just you, he is equally at fault, maybe more so.

Maybe his selfishness is in season, and his common sense and compassion is out of season. Or maybe he too is distracted by his own frustrations. What's telling is he has a life that he enjoys besides you. Can you say the same? Be honest.

[Andrew1101]

I agree that this is just a symptom on a much larger problem. Getting to the root of that will help alleviate the situation. However, have the two of you ever tried new things in the bedroom? Perhaps role playing, sex toys? This two can help reignite the spark in the bedroom once you've addressed the root of the problem

[Alty]

You've gotten great advice. Smoothy and Craven have both hit it on the head.

I'm female. I've been married for 19 years, been with my husband for 24 years, since we were both 19. Sex has had it's ups and downs. Most times it's because of me, what I'm going through, the way I see things as a female.

I have yet to truly understand the male thinking when it comes to sex. I see patterns with men, and with people that post about the same issues you're having. I do understand porn, and why men use it, but neglect their partners. But men in general. I understand them about as much as they understand women.

I do know one thing. If you can't talk to your partner about everything, it's not a good relationship. Yes, talking may lead to disagreement, may lead to a fight, but you and your partner should be able to talk about anything that's bothering you, and reach some sort of solution, or at least an understanding about what's going on, even if you don't agree.

The most troubling part of your post is the fact that he won't talk about it. He won't tell you what's wrong. Instead, he blames you, and now you're afraid to talk to him about how you feel. That's a recipe for disaster.

If you can't talk to each other, there's no relationship. You should be able to talk about everything and anything. That doesn't mean you have to agree on everything. But you should be able to talk about it.

If he's not willing to talk, has actually made you afraid to talk about it, then this relationship seems to be doomed.

[CarolinaP81]

Thank you Talaniman. Your advice is very good. He has told me several times that I seem to demand sex from him and the way I say it is very harsh. He also has said that he has felt very tired and feels depressed because he cannot pitch in softba how he used to and it depresses him. He also has apologized numerous times while we cuddle that he is tired but if he wasn't we would be having sex and several minutes later he is out cold. I do have an enjoyable life and don't seek him to keep me entertained I play softball and do Crossfit 5 times a week. He says that he feels like he walks on eggshells w me because he tries to do everything right but someway somehow I'm always upset w him and that we will talk about the same thing 2-3 times and that all of that is a turn off. I have told him how I feel - I feel rejected, hurt and not sexually desired by him. He then got angry and said sorry I'm always tired sorry I don't F$&k you every night sorry for everything. I don't know when the right time or right way to say things would be? Maybe I should just drop it and not say anything anymore at all about it and he'll come around and feel okay not turned off by what I say or nag about sex?. As far as being spicy in the bedroom last year we were so spicy w toys and hot experiences. I continue to be at a loss. I know it's not all my fault he also said it "I don't want you to think that this is all your fault bc I'm at fault too but we have to stop rehashing and work or way foward" he said that on Friday but then I heard the sound of a girl moaning in the bathroom today (he had his iPad in the bathroom) and I got so upset! Maybe I shouldn't have said anything today because the weekend and no day were such great days that we had he also said "we have 2-3 great days now this again!? Will it ever stop!!! It's always something!!"

[Andrew1101]

Could it be possible that he is cheating on you? A good friend of mine had a similar experience with her husband. As it turns out, she found out that he was cheating on her with one of his students that he had back in the day. He would make up all the tired excuses. If he is so tired and injured, he would not be playing sports. If he was turned on by you, he wouldn't be jerking off in the bathroom. This sounds very fishy.

[CarolinaP81]

I guess you never know. But I don't think so. We spend a lot of time together when were not working. And when were not together he wants me to meet him wherever he is, usually w his family.

[Andrew1101]

Ok, so we've ruled out cheating. What else do you think it could be?

[CarolinaP81]

From gather everyone's advice- I think it's because I make him feel like less of a man when I ask him when well have sex. And the way I say it and when I say it is bad. I have also brought it up many times. He claims that he was watching a movie in the bathroom and I'm not sure what to believe if he was or wasn't. I wanted to watch "don Jon" coworkers were talking about it said it was funny/dumb/a guy movie so on Friday we searched it on netflix and the opening scene is the guy is looking at porn on the computer and ready to jerk off and my fiancé said "babe I don't want to watch this movie bc then you'll get ideas in your head about me and get upset please shut it off" and I said no it's a movie let's watch it. He said no because your going to imagine all these crazy things and get upset/angry w me and I omg am I that bad that you can't even watch a movie about sex w me he said "you can be". So he claims that that's the movie he was watching in the bathroom and not porn.

[Andrew1101]

Could it be possible that he resents you for something? In these hot experience that you mentioned, has there ever been the introduction of someone else, which is causing him to resent and/or no longer respect you sexually? I've heard of this happening as well. One partner pushed for a threesome, and when it finally happens, that partner is unable to handle seeing his or her significant with someone else.

[CarolinaP81]

I kind of believe him but then it bothers me that he couldn't watch w me but he is hiding the fact that he is watching it??

[Andrew1101]

That sounds silly... to me at least. I just think he is making an excuse for something.