[CarolinaP81]

Thank you. I'm just hoping he doesn't change his mind about marriage. I have been giving him his space just that it's been 3-4 days already!

[DoulaLC]

It's hard not to want to push him to talk about it, but now it's best to just give him the time and space. That he will text you now and then is good. All you can do at this point is respond positively when he sends a text, and wait.

Try to focus on other things... go out with friends, catch up on things around the house, go for walks or other exercise, read, watch movies, go shopping, etc.

[CarolinaP81]

It's hard not to want to push him to talk about it, but now it's best to just give him the time and space. That he will text you now and then is good. All you can do at this point is respond positively when he sends a text, and wait.

Try to focus on other things... go out with friends, catch up on things around the house, go for walks or other exercise, read, watch movies, go shopping, etc.

Thank you DoulaLC, he told me today that he is worried and scared that this is going to happen while were married that he feels like he walks on egg shells because I get easily mad at him and am rude to him. I don't blame him. I wasn't like this w him it's just that I began to get frustrated because I didn't feel wanted I know I pushed him away. I again apologized to him he said it was both our faults and that he was staying away because he needed time to think because he was confused and not happy w how id been acting. That he did miss me and loved me but that he was just upset. I told him I'd give him his space and that I loved him. I feel bad because I feel like I caused most of this w nagging and being demanding of him and trying to control what he said 😔

[CravenMorhead]

The hard bit of advice: Sometimes love isn't enough and when someone decides it is over there is no way that you can convince them otherwise. I know this from experience. Sometimes things can be fixed and become better, but most times not so much and if this is the death knell of your relationship than know that you did your best. Learn and continue on.

The hardest part, and you're doing a fine job of it, is owning up to this. No one is blameless and it isn't only bad if you don't learn and move on. Our spouses, married or not, take a bunch of our crap because we're so comfortable with them. It takes strength to know when your transferring your frustrations out on spouse.

Good luck.

[DoulaLC]

Thank you DoulaLC, he told me today that he is worried and scared that this is going to happen while were married that he feels like he walks on egg shells because I get easily mad at him and am rude to him. I don't blame him. I wasn't like this w him it's just that I began to get frustrated because I didn't feel wanted I know I pushed him away. I again apologized to him he said it was both our faults and that he was staying away because he needed time to think because he was confused and not happy w how id been acting. That he did miss me and loved me but that he was just upset. I told him I'd give him his space and that I loved him. I feel bad because I feel like I caused most of this w nagging and being demanding of him and trying to control what he said ��

I think it can be pretty common, maybe more so for women, to get upset when our partners don't follow the script that we have in our heads. We hope for, expect, whatever, a certain type of response to something we say, do, ask, (or it can even be a nonverbal clue that we think is pretty obvious), and when we don't get it, we sometimes see it as evidence that our partner doesn't appreciate us or isn't as interested in us as much as we think that they should be. The vast majority of the time, however, that isn't the case. While a part of us does already know this, sometimes it takes time to actually believe it!

The result is often that we continue to press for the type of response that we are hoping for, sometimes focusing far too much on it and maybe even getting more worried and then angry about it, and they retreat from the pressure and constant "nagging" or need for validation/reassurance. What would have been a very simple exchange if communicated differently turns into an ongoing cycle. The more you push, the more he will retreat.

When things come back around, and you both have had time to reflect, do talk about how communication can be changed so that you both get your needs across to the other person in simple terms. If it doesn't seem as though either of you are able to get across what you want or need from the other, do consider couples counseling to help you learn new ways of communicating.

Think of it as a wise investment for your future marriage.

[CarolinaP81]

Thank you. I wish I would've known all of this before I got into this huge mess. I spoke to him face to face today. He told me he loved me, I was his best friend, that he missed me and wanted to be with me but that he was scared that this would happen again while we were married. And he doesn't want to divorce. He said he needed 1-2 days to sort things out in his head. I said are you going to break up with me? He said no but I just need to sort things out.. . I don't understand what this means. He says he doesn't want to break up yet he needs to sort things out? Sort what out?

[CravenMorhead]

He probably just needs some space to gather his thoughts and make sure this is what he wants. Him saying that he isn't going to break up with you is probably going to describe the outcome, but it is also a white lie. He laid it all out for you. He loves you, but you know that love isn't enough, he doesn't want this to happen again so he needs to be REALLY sure this is what he wants. One thing about a person's behaviour and habits is that they don't change unless the person wants them to change and the desire to change usually follows a monumental shift in their world view. For example, a person might say they'll quit drinking, but until they have that close call of almost dying because they couldn't say no is usually what spurns them onto a AA program. So while this has been a BIG shake up for you has it been it enough for you to take a moment and examine your behaviour? What path you walked down to get here? It is important to know that so you can recognize when you start treading that path again. You will tread that path again.

What will probably happen is that he'll take a few days and come back to you. It is up to you as a couple to figure out how things go from there. I REALLY recommend couple's counselling.

[talaniman]

If he won't go to counseling then it's a good idea for you to go without him. He is probably trying to understand you as much as you are trying to understand him, so when he comes back just be good to each other until you both are ready to talk. Sometimes our own fears or the zeal to fix things overwhelms our partners. Sometimes it's best to talk things out with another trusted friend before you bring it to a partner.

In any event, getting ourselves under control to make adjustments to our partners is the whole key to gaining that understanding you so desperately want. That's why making it about sex or porn is utterly a big distraction, and sinks into fear and frustration and unfairly becomes about negative emotions and actions instead of an open mind. Consider your feelings and reckon maybe he is distracted too, by his own feelings.

Be good too each other until you can understand each other better, which may take years.

[CarolinaP81]

If he won't go to counseling then it's a good idea for you to go without him. He is probably trying to understand you as much as you are trying to understand him, so when he comes back just be good to each other until you both are ready to talk. Sometimes our own fears or the zeal to fix things overwhelms our partners. Sometimes it's best to talk things out with another trusted friend before you bring it to a partner.

In any event, getting ourselves under control to make adjustments to our partners is the whole key to gaining that understanding you so desperately want. That's why making it about sex or porn is utterly a big distraction, and sinks into fear and frustration and unfairly becomes about negative emotions and actions instead of an open mind. Consider your feelings and reckon maybe he is distracted too, by his own feelings.

Be good too each other until you can understand each other better, which may take years.

We went out for dinner last night. We had a nice dinner - I heard everything he had to say I actually sat in silence and listened without rebuttals he said that I have been very nasty to him like a different person these past two months. That he felt like a robot making sure that he said the right thing and did the right thing because if not I'd get upset and ruin a good day/evening. He doesn't want to feel like he has to overthink his every move and his every word being cautious not to get me upset/angry. Feeling not good enough for me. Feeling that he isn't a good enough man for me. He said he felt terrible and never wants to feel like that. He doesn't want to feel like that especially being married. We agreed that our communication is very poor and he agreed that it was a cause and effect I pursue and he distances and that we would work on it. I asked him about possibly going to the counselor he said he may go for me but he doesn't think it's useful because they try to brainwash you or so he has heard. I did go to a premarital counselor on Friday by myself. I did not mention it to my fiancé because I didn't want him to say that he felt pressured to go, the counselor suggested I invite him next week and tell him that it would really help me if he came along. The counselor helped me see things clearer and that I have a few things to work on for my own well being. My fiancé said he didn't really want to go but maybe that well see. I appreciate everyone's advice you guys are all very kind. Thank you. This experience was enough for me to change I don't want us to be unhappy and I don't want to lose him and he feels the same about me we will both work on the relationship as we continue our wedding plans.

[CravenMorhead]

I am happy to hear that things are moving forward and it sounds like positively.

Good luck. It is a hard road, but the journey is worth it.

[DoulaLC]

Well done to both of you! Anything that gets you talking, and working on better communication, is a step in the right direction.

There are many couples already married who probably wished that they had learned better communication skills prior to marriage instead of learning the hard way that it doesn't come naturally for many, and has to be worked at.

[CarolinaP81]

I am happy to hear that things are moving forward and it sounds like positively.

Good luck. It is a hard road, but the journey is worth it.

The counselor I went to suggested we read "Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix. It is a very interesting book! Has changed my view on a lot of things. I have been reading out loud at night for my fiancé to hear. He also finds it very interesting. Again thank you for your advice and help CravenMorhead- you hit home with a lot of things you said. I appreciate you! Hope you have a wonderful day!

Well done to both of you! Anything that gets you talking, and working on better communication, is a step in the right direction.

There are many couples already married who probably wished that they had learned better communication skills prior to marriage instead of learning the hard way that it doesn't come naturally for many, and has to be worked at.

Thank you so much DoulaLc! I am happy that we are aware that there is a disconnect and that we are a work in progress. A willing work in progress. I am more at ease and less insecure (working on it!) and he sees it/feels it and even though it's only been about 4-5 days... I feel and see that he is himself. Thank you again for your amazing advice!