[_init_]

I only have about one minute to talk to her, because of the way the classes/sermons are placed(I work in the A/V, so I have to be there/leave at a certain time).

[talaniman]

You think too much. The flaw in your plan is NO direct interaction that creates its own opportunity. An even bigger flaw is that you know so little about her, there is no natural flow of one on one conversation and the OPPORTUNITY or idea of direction. That's how people get to know each other through interaction.

This is NO GAME that requires a plan. A plan has to include the input from her too. Hi, and bye, and limited chit chat before is for acquaintances and your plan squanders time and opportunities. I never said you were scared, but you spend way too much time planning and assuming and presuming when you could already know if you even needed a plan in the first place.

You think too much and act too little.

[smoothy]

Let me clarify, I have absolutely ZERO fear of talking to her(yes, the same girl), and we have talked about various topics many times. However, I only have about one minute to talk every week, so I was looking for very compact topics, that have large influence. However, talisman suggested asking her number, and I think I may ask her email next time I see her, so that we can talk more consistently.
And to answer Cat1864, no, asking her out is not an option, at least not on a 1-on-1 date, but inviting her to a group activity is fine.

For some reason, you guys think that my planning/waiting comes from fear, but trust me, it does not. It comes from me just wanting to maximize whatever conversation topic, and the implementation of that topic.
I'm guessing some things just don't follow those criteria, and I'll have to take yet another step, without knowing whether that step is forwards, or backwards...

For some reason we all managed to get through life... have many dates and eventually meet enough people to date to find that perfect one for us. None of us made a huge production out of a simple act of just talking to her.

If it takes you 4 or 5 months of planning to just talk to her.. is it going to take 4 or 5 years more to ask her on a date? Do you think she's going to wait on you? Sorry to rain on your parade... but while you are screwing around... someone else is going to be talking to her, asking her out for dates... and will probably have her all to themselves long before you actually do anything.

Sorry dude. but speaking as a guy... you are setting yourself up for certain failure the way you are approaching this. Quiet guys are invisible... very, very few women gravitate to the quiet guy in the corner who has trouble walking up to someone and expressing what's on his mind. Even the quiet girls like a guy with enough confidence to talk to her, ask her out or whatever.

Now you can take our word for it and save yourself from a lot of disappointment in the coming years ... or learn it the hard way.

I actually know people know more than a few people that asked a woman to marry them... planned the wedding and actually married in less time than you have spend worrying about how to talk to her in any meaningful way in a minute a week.


And seriously.. if all you can possibly get is one minute a week... exactly what kind of relationship do you think is possible in one minute a week? Relationship heck... what kind of friendship can you possibly have in one minute a week. Give up on her and find someone you see more than one minute a week. You stand more of a chance of getting a date before you turn 50 that way.

Sorry if that comes across as being a bit blunt... but geeze dude... talking to a girl isn't rocket science. You just go up and do it. Its not a mission to Mars.

[_init_]

Smoothy, I'll take your word for it, feelings can't be planned. I guess, since my entire life, I have been evaluating, and categorizing, it just felt natural to do the same in this situation. Yes, I know that another guy may come in to the picture, and I know that I'm being too cautious; however, I find this part of me extremely hard to control, and I will work on it till I am satisfactorily "spontaneous".And to you saying that it's going nowhere and never will, just because of limited time to talk!! What, do you live in the 20th century man? I'm getting her contact information, one way or another, so I wouldn't be too worried about that part of it.

Oh, and who says I'm "quiet"? Just because I'm analytical in nature, doesn't make me shy, I'm actually very bold and outgoing, even with girls, just not when that girl is perfect, then my cautious side takes over.

[smoothy]

Smoothy, I'll take your word for it, feelings can't be planned. I guess, since my entire life, I have been evaluating, and categorizing, it just felt natural to do the same in this situation. Yes, I know that another guy may come in to the picture, and I know that I'm being too cautious; however, I find this part of me extremely hard to control, and I will work on it till I am satisfactorily "spontaneous".And to you saying that it's going nowhere and never will, just because of limited time to talk!! What, do you live in the 20th century man? I'm getting her contact information, one way or another, so I wouldn't be too worried about that part of it.

Trust me... I won't say what.. or how... but I'm one of a very small group of people responsible for something that's an indispensable part of everyday life in the modern world. I've been in various aspects of the high tech world for over 30 years....Most things I've been working with for years before people tend to find out about them.

Just don't sit there and whine about it when some other guy comes in and takes the girl... its going to happen... in fact its guaranteed to happen.

Woman don't like guys that over analyze everything to the upteenth degree. People that do that are painfully boring (man or women) I've known both... they share something in common... lots of free time alone. Women like people who can be spontanious and live in the moment... not that has to plan bowel movements months in advbance (thats a bit of sarcastic humor to get a point across). Actually most guys preffer that too.

There is also another quote that is very relative to this topic. "He who hesitates is lost." HEsitate at an auction... you lose, hesitate of asking the girl out... you lose. Hesitate to take the last doughnut on the plate... you lose. Hesitate applying for that Dream job, you lose.

See the trend I'm getting at? Waste time with senseless planning and someone that doesn't need to will swoop in and take everything before you get off your butt almost every time.

Oh, and who says I'm "quiet"? Just because I'm analytical in nature, doesn't make me shy, I'm actually very bold and outgoing, even with girls, just not when that girl is perfect, then my cautious side takes over.

THen find someone not so "perfect".

Actually if you really was as bold and outgoing as you think... you wouldn't hesitate asking the best ones out. I also guarantee you have built her up so much in your own mind... she would never be able to live up to your fantasy of her.

And yes I can infer that by what you have written in this thread... because I've seen it happen... and I have even done it myself... many, many years ago a few times. That's how I can recognise it when I see it.

[catonsville]

25 Posts over a "one minute" so called problem. Init, "do it your way" like Frank S.
Good Luck

[tickle]

25 Posts over a "one minute" so called problem. Init, "do it your way" like Frank S.
Good Luck

Amen to that !

[_init_]

I think you're missing the point here smoothy. I'm NOT asking her out, it just will not happen. I am doing the best I can with the circumstances provided, and no, I haven't built her up in my mind. I did that once before, and it was the worst mistake of my life. Back when I was 10 years old, I had known this girl(in a different state), for my whole life. We were, in the truest sense of the word, "best friends". I, however, didn't want to be just best friends, so, I built her up in my mind, until she was a goddess, and then started loving her(or so I was convinced). For 3 years I kept by her side, more faithful than some husbands, in that I never was even attracted, in any way at all, to a girl in real life. I was so completely consumed and awestruck by her perfection, that I bought her earrings and rings(notice, I'm only 10-12 here). I knew that I wanted to marry her, and spend the rest of my life with her, and I told her every time I could.

Then, the day came when we were to part for good, and I said that I just wanted to hug her goodbye, that's all that I wanted. I was literally in tears, and she just shrugged and kind of just stood there limp and pulled away after half a second. When that happened, my world ended for a good month, and I didn't start looking at other girls for a good 6. We're now on a "friend" basis over emails, as it always should have been.

So trust me, I don't want to screw this up by waiting, but I don't want to screw this up by liking a girl without her liking me. That's why I'm so cautious. I don't want to get involved, unless I am at least half-way sure that she at least likes me a little bit. If she doesn't, then I will move on, because the last thing I want is a repeat of what happened before.

So, in conclusion, I will try to personalize the conversation more, asking about her favorite foods, complimenting her, until I think the time is right to ask for her email, for further correspondence. That is where my plan ends, if I can get there successfully, then there will be no need for further plans.

Oh, and smoothy, my name '__init__', is used in a programming language. I've made Graphical Interfaces, and even a 2D RPG game, all by myself, no tutorials needed, written in OO. I'm working on a mini-OS in x86 assembly right now, so I can assure you, I am a VERY, VERY boring person, so you're right in that sense.

[smoothy]

I think you're missing the point here smoothy.
I'm NOT asking her out, it just will not happen. I am doing the best I can with the circumstances provided, and no, I haven't built her up in my mind. I did that once before, and it was the worst mistake of my life. Back when I was 10 years old, I had known this girl(in a different state), for my whole life. We were, in the truest sense of the word, "best friends". I, however, didn't want to be just best friends, so, I built her up in my mind, until she was a goddess, and then started loving her(or so I was convinced). For 3 years I kept by her side, more faithful than some husbands, in that I never was even attracted, in any way at all, to a girl in real life. I was so completely consumed and awestruck by her perfection, that I bought her earrings and rings(notice, I'm only 10-12 here). I knew that I wanted to marry her, and spend the rest of my life with her, and I told her every time I could.
Then, the day came when we were to part for good, and I said that I just wanted to hug her goodbye, that's all that I wanted. I was literally in tears, and she just shrugged and kind of just stood there limp and pulled away after half a second. When that happened, my world ended for a good month, and I didn't start looking at other girls for a good 6. We're now on a "friend" basis over emails, as it always should have been.


So trust me, I don't want to screw this up by waiting, but I don't want to screw this up by liking a girl without her liking me. That's why I'm so cautious. I don't want to get involved, unless I am at least half-way sure that she at least likes me a little bit. If she doesn't, then I will move on, because the last thing I want is a repeat of what happened before.
So, in conclusion, I will try to personalize the conversation more, asking about her favorite foods, complimenting her, until I think the time is right to ask for her email, for further correspondence. That is where my plan ends, if I can get there successfully, then there will be no need for further plans.

I think you are trying to ignore the obvious here... because even the rest of us can see it.

If you have absolutely no intention of ever asking her out... then why exactly are you making such a huge deal about talking with her for a minute a week? Its easier to just ignore her.

What exactly is the goal here? You say you don't plan for that... but everything else you have said points preciesly to that.

You are making mountains out of molehills here... you walk up and ask her for her email... just say you want to ask her something... it really is that simple... it requires zero planning... it requires no thought...

YOu are dooming your entire future social life as long as you insist everything must be carefully planned.

Have you by chance ever been diagnosed with OCD, or perhaps Aspergers, or Autism... there must be a reason behind your pathological NEED to plan every little thing out to the most minute detail. If you have one of those... its going to be a lot more difficult than the average person to break this habit... which is a major hindrance to any social activities you might want to be involved in.

The guys who are most successful with women... are the guys who put the least thought behind every little thing. The least successful are the guys that think every litle things has to be planned out... yet they can't seem to understand why their plans almost never work out. Most guys fall somewhere in between with corresponding levels of success depending on which side they are more like.

As far as repeating what happens... well... if you want to avoid any level of intimacy, and caring... thats your choice... because you can't have them without having the possibility of things falling apart. Fact is you will have many that fall apart before you learn what you are doing wrong... and eventually meet there right woman.

You will never find the right woman if you don't take your chances and learn from them. And few women want a guy that's emotionally unavailable because he doesn't want "to get hurt".

Dude... we ALL go through that...facing rejection of losing someone...or having someone move away, man and woman... it builds character... and enables you to learn more about yourself. Yeah it hurts for a little bit...but it makes you a stronger person having gone through it than you were before.

You can't win the Lottery if you don't buy a ticket... and if you won't buy a ticket because you fear losing??

[Cat1864]

I am going to be harsh.

You are acting like a fool. She can't get 'to know you' if you are asking about 'her' likes and dislikes. It all about 'her' with very little, from what you have told us, about who you are as a person.

You are coming across as creepy and rude. You ignore her friend. You keep asking questions about her. You have no time for a conversation and refuse to ask for her contact information because you want to make certain she likes you. This has been going on for at least three months.

You have a history of over-reacting to a female. You either let the insecurity that event created go or you will be doing this for the rest of your life.

Is there a youth group at your church? Do you both belong?

You ask for advice but don't want to hear it. If you don't want advice this thread will be closed.

[_init_]

It's not that I don't have time for conversation, it's just that there is a different class directly after, and she leaves before that one.

I started this thread for the sole purpose of finding good things to talk about with a girl I like. Can't you see that? I'm trying to talk to her, I'm not afraid of talking to her, I just don't know what to talk ABOUT. Fine, you want to know who I am as a person? I'm a 14 year old perfectionist. I strive for perfection in everything I do, whether that be grades, or programming, or video-gaming, or girls. I'm an A student, I enjoy programming(software development), and I also enjoy playing FPS games in my free time, I dabble in high-level mathematics for FUN, and I'm reading up on semantic networks and using a lexicon for AI development. I like to socialize with people I know, and occasionally do random acts of socialization(walking up to a complete stranger, and pretending to know them, and being shocked that they don't remember you, it's a great ice-breaker). There, so, you know about me a little bit.

And no smoothy, I'm not OCD, not autistic, and I don't have aspergers.
And again, I don't NEED to plan everything, I just want to find a suitable topic for discussion with a girl I'm fond of!

[Wondergirl]

I just want to find a suitable topic for discussion with a girl I'm fond of!

Next meeting on Sunday -- "Hey, Suzy, please give me your email address (or phone number). I'd love to get to know you better." (Have a pen and paper handy.) If she says, "No way, Jose!" then you'll know where this stands.

[smoothy]

It's not that I don't have time for conversation, it's just that there is a different class directly after, and she leaves before that one.

I started this thread for the sole purpose of finding good things to talk about with a girl I like. Can't you see that? I'm trying to talk to her, I'm not afraid of talking to her, I just don't know what to talk ABOUT. Fine, you want to know who I am as a person? I'm a 14 year old perfectionist. I strive for perfection in everything I do, whether that be grades, or programming, or video-gaming, or girls. I'm an A student, I enjoy programming(software development), and I also enjoy playing FPS games in my free time, I dabble in high-level mathematics for FUN, and I'm reading up on semantic networks and using a lexicon for AI development. I like to socialize with people I know, and occasionally do random acts of socialization(walking up to a complete stranger, and pretending to know them, and being shocked that they don't remember you, it's a great ice-breaker). There, so, you know about me a little bit.

And no smoothy, I'm not OCD, not autistic, and I don't have aspergers.
And again, I don't NEED to plan everything, I just want to find a suitable topic for discussion with a girl I'm fond of!

OK.. wanted to eliminate those three things. People that have them would have had more of an excuse.

You aren't going to have a conversation on something you know nothing about... so you simply pick one you do. Its really that simple.

You simply do it, you talk about whatever pops in your mind at the moment otherwise its not going to sound natural.

I've been married for almost 23 years... I could walk out the front door of my office right now... wearing a wedding ring... strike up conversations with women I never met even once... and get a date inside the next hour if I wanted... yes I know for a fact I could, because I've had enough women hit on me, a few actually bold enough to flat out ask me for a lot more... and I've had a couple lady friends comment to me pointing out the women in the area that have been giving me "the look"... some of them a lot younger than I am... but not all.

I'm an average looking guy... in average shape for my age.. I " COULD" if I was so inclined... but I don't have to, besides being grossly unfair to my wife. But its nice knowing I "still got it". I'd have gotten it a lot sooner if someone had pointed out what I was doing wrong when I was really young... as it was I figured it out on my own. People didn't have home computers then (nobody did) and the internet was known to a few working in specific job fields back then. Yes I had my first email address in 1981. I've been a computer geek since before the first IBM PC was designed or built.

Take our advice or disregard it and be the odd guy who never gets a date... its your life... and your choice.

Yes I've known guys that made it into their 40's and one into his 50's... who were not gay (yes I knew them well enoug to know they weren't)... and never managed to find dates despite lots of available women being around. Because they couldn't walk up to a woman and talk to them...and overthought things.

[talaniman]

Next meeting on Sunday -- "Hey, Suzy, please give me your email address (or phone number). I'd love to get to know you better."

BINGO!! Then you can expand into a real conversation instead of just hi and bye in a rather limited time frame. If she gives it to you then you can tell her you are a computer nerd, but admire her athletics and ask about other sports. Not only does that show interest, give you better options and opportunities, but you get what's on her mind about you, and if you need a better plan or NOT!

People, especially young people seldom can be related to by elaborate plans, and procedures. You have to navigate with more gut and confidence if you plan to succeed with people, especially girls. This isn't 1,2,3 push button. You have to attract with honest interest.

You big scaredy cat!!!!! Afraid to find out if she is interested in you enough to give you a chance to talk to her??? Of course you are, else you would have done it already, so drop the excuses my young friend, you fool no one but yourself.

[_init_]

Yea, I'm going to give that a try, I don't want to be sucked into a hole of my own creation, from what I've read here, doing that will only make things more difficult.

[Cat1864]

Fine, you want to know who I am as a person?

I don't need to know who you are. She does.

You are already stuck in a hole of your own making. There are several ropes and ladders available as well as a lot of helping hands. Time to climb out.

Good luck.

[_init_]

I don't need to know who you are. She does.

You are already stuck in a hole of your own making. There are several ropes and ladders available as well as a lot of helping hands. Time to climb out.

Good luck.

What do you think, do you think it would be acceptable to just straight out ask for her email?
You know what, scratch that. I'm just going to do it, enough questions for crying out loud!
^Directed at self.

[Cat1864]

What do you think, do you think it would be acceptable to just straight out ask for her email?
You know what, scratch that. I'm just going to do it, enough questions for crying out loud!
^Directed at self.

YAY!!!!!