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realestate1 · Apr 3, 2007, 12:37 PM

Is sexual addiction a real thing, or is it just something to do? I'm starting to wonder if my husband is addicted to sex. He has mounds of porno mags, and a pile of movies. On the computer, under the mattres, like a 13 year old, in the bathroom, everywhere. He is overly sexual when it comes to me, that it is now a turn off to even be around him. If I turn him down he goes into a rage, and tells me that he's not going to pursue me anymore, or if I'm not going to give it up to move on. I questioned a mood he was in the other day, as to why he was so mad at me, just because one night I didn't want to do it, he said well if you give it to me every night, I won't have to worry about it. He keeps trying to get me to do things that I'm not comfortable with. He can't just sit next to me without doing something to me or grabbing me. I can't ask him what he wants for dinner without something sexual coming out of his mouth. Its empty anymore, just what you do, no meaning behind it. I mean understand that there are peaks and vallies when it comes to sex, and sex drives, but I'm am completely turned off by him. Am I the problem, or can a person really be addicted to sex. What makes a person be addiced to sex. He blames all the problems we have on the fact that I never pursue him, and initiate it. That we don't have sex enough, well its almost every night, because I don't feel like fighting about it so I just do it. I dread the weekends when he's home all day. I don't know how to even talk to him about it. I have tried telling him lightly that women are not like men, can just get in the mood, and that I think he has a problem, or even telling him I think he's addiced to sex. I try to keep it as light as possible, but nothing gets through. So, is it me? Or can this be a real problem. Any ideas?

apple_bee · Apr 3, 2007, 01:24 PM

The problem isn't you, I have a boyfriend kind of like that, and just like you I give in because I don't want to start fights, and I don't want to put up with his bad moods just because of "me" but it isn't your fault or mine, its theirs. And he probably is addicted to sex. You should tell him this straight up and tell him that you don't feel comfertable having sex all the time, that you want to save it so that it means more when it does happen ( this is what I did and it worked)

nindzha · Apr 3, 2007, 01:49 PM

Yes sex addiction exists. You can find more info on it here.
Sex Addicts Anonymous

About your problem I can only say that the best way to keep your relationship is that your husband recognizes his "illnes" and gets some help.

phillysteakandcheese · Apr 3, 2007, 02:22 PM

You do not seem to be the problem...

Your husband is obviously addicted to porn. That addiction feeds an un-realistic image of what, when, why, and how, sex fits into a relationship. Like an alcoholic that doesn't realize alcohol is a problem for them, your husband probably doesn't recognize that porn is a problem for him.

Talk to your husband about this. Ask him to "make love" to you, not just demand sex of you.

Honestly though, if he is as far into porn as you describe, he may not be able to "make love" anymore. His whole ability to get sexual satifaction may revolve around the "fantasy woman" he imagines from the porn... No matter what you do, it won't fulfill his porn fantasy of the moment anyway.

Is he addicted to sex? Maybe.
Is he addicted to porn? Yes - based on what you've posted.

Either way - he needs to realize there is a problem, and seek help.

insummer · May 17, 2007, 09:02 PM

I've just posted a similar question and thought there should be some sort of support group for us women with sex-crazed men in our lives. Like you, I'm at a complete loss at what to do. There is no porn in our house though. My boyfriend insists that all he needs is me. I wish he'd get porn sometimes to take the pressure off me. I also submit to sex when I don't want it, just to keep him happy even if only for a while. But it makes me feel cheap, takes away the depth and meaning of the act and makes me resent him. He will not ease off at all, even though I've asked countless times. He backs off for an hour or two and then comes back saying now I've had my hour or two of peace it's his turn. I love him but cannot take much more. Is there a group out there for us? Is there a group for our partners?

AltaVista · May 19, 2007, 09:51 PM

You bet it's an addiction! And 'phillysteakandcheese' Really said it right. I like/love sex as much as anyone, but putting that kind of pressure on your lover will only make them feel the way you and 'insummer' have described. Then there's no emotional link left - only physical lust. And that is so shallow that it becomes just like watching a video or magazine. One other point about the porn addiction... if someone is into it that much, it will often come into where they work. They have to see it and it will show up on a computer - and then the boss finds out, and then the even bigger problems begin.

bushg · May 21, 2007, 04:37 PM

I once heard a doctor say that people, mostly men who behave like this is trying to over compensate for feeling less that manly.. this could be that they were molested when they had no control over their lives... or because another person ridiculed their sexual performance or lack of it. They may have heard their fathers badger their female partners. Basically it boils down to lack of self esteem. Do a little digging you will be surprised at what you come up with. Good luck

robertsqueen · May 21, 2007, 04:49 PM

It is real. When he pressures you do sexual things that you aren't comfortable with, how does he act afterwards? If you say no? He may also be a sexual sadist... What kind of porn does he have? Is it violent, or demeaning to weman? How does he talk to you in bed?

Greg Quinn · May 27, 2007, 10:29 PM

Wow... You and him are on different courses for your sex drives! You started with him and it was all the time? Then you died down and he stayed hard at it? And do you see yourself together with him forever? I wonder how long you have been together?

wiggitywackiraq · May 28, 2007, 03:47 AM

Well, what you described is pretty much me in a nutshell, except for the porn. I own no porn. I do however freak out my wife sometimes with my words, and my actions just sitting on the couch. The main difference between your man and me is that I constantly fantasize about my wife. We have been together since the sandbox in essence, and she knows I only have affections for her. I do see other women around that may be sexy, but none of them are beautiful to me, like my wife. In terms of your man though I would say that the porn is an addiction, and his fantasizing about other women who are the perverbial sluts is unrealistic. I mean everyone has to have a epiphany a couple of times in their life to re-recognize reality. You guys could do some marital counseling, and help him rediscover making love, instead of fu**ing. I mean the occasional sportfu** isn't bad but he seems to want it a couple of times a day. You as his wife must MAKE him realize he's driving you away, and he will never have his little porno slut girl. And even if he got one shot it would only be that one time. You are supposed to be his lifetime partner, and he has to be shown that. That's your responsibility, otherwise this will continue and you feelings of being a whore to nonconfrontation will continue.

morgan93 · Jul 7, 2009, 04:23 PM

Sweety you are definitely not the problem don't think that at all your right if anything that women aren't like men and men harder to talk to when it comes down to things like this but you do need to talk to him let him know how you feel and ask him how he feels be careful how you do it though its good to be lite but too lite has no effect but too hard gives the wrong idea you don't want him angry but if the talk doesn't work than you might want to talk to a professional about it

N0help4u · Aug 21, 2009, 05:00 AM

I am sorry but I don't think he is a sex addict, he sounds more like he falls more in the pervert category.
How much porn of 13 yr olds does he have? Or are you saying he is like a 13 yr old??

How much do you really know about him?
He could be deeper in the porn than you realize.
Are you sure what he does on the computer?
Is he chatting with teens?
Is he coming off as a preditor on the internet?

I would start noticing more to determine if it is worse than you realize.